tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48049494246617320612024-03-14T07:14:23.997-05:00A Little AnguishThis is a blog about our struggle with infertility, with moving where my husband finally found a job, and about life in general, all from a Christian standpoint.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.comBlogger194125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-77461828463531772962013-08-28T22:12:00.003-05:002013-08-28T22:12:56.848-05:0031I turned 31 around 3:25 this afternoon. I woke up in a terrible funk over it. I don't know why 31 sounded so much worse than 30 did. Although I should probably go back and see how horrible I thought 30 was going to be. And it wasn't all horrible.<br />
I didn't get the two main birthday presents I wanted: to be pregnant and get published. But maybe we're a few steps closer to both.<br />
We started year seven of trying to get pregnant, and round 3 of combo-cycle IUI. Those are both lucky numbers, right?msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-25342905789861706052013-08-18T21:24:00.000-05:002013-08-18T21:24:07.149-05:00How I'm DoingI've had several people ask how I am doing lately. I have been meaning to post on here several times over the last few weeks, but just didn't sit down and do it. So, this post may be a little bit of a conglomeration of different things I've been thinking about over the last few weeks. You've been warned.<br />
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For those of you who have never been to a fertility clinic, let me try to describe what it feels like to sit in the waiting room. It is quiet, with just a few whispered conversations between couples. There is a mix of hope, despair, last resorts, trepidation, nervousness. You try not to meet anyone's eyes, even though you are going through something similar. There's just something about not wanting people to know you have to go to such a place to accomplish something that is supposed to come naturally. You flip through a magazine you really don't care anything about just so you can be distracted about whatever is about to happen behind the doors. It's not fun.<br />
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We're back to waiting again, and the closer we get to knowing whether it worked or not, the more I almost don't want to know. If I don't know for sure, I can hold on to the hope that this was the time. This was the one that stuck. I have a job that allows me way too much time to think, and the last few days of work I've caught myself playing different scenarios in my head. Some of them end with me finding out I'm pregnant. And some don't . . . and I almost cry, even though it's just my imagination at this point. I think of everything we've been through, the waiting every month is really the hardest part. It's a lot like sitting in that waiting room, with all the emotions flowing through you.<br />
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The farther into this we get, the more I just tell people what we're going through. It's amazing how much I used to be embarrassed to talk about certain things and now I'm spouting details most people probably didn't want to know in the first place. I have to catch myself and stop before I give too many details. It's amazing how much you change when going through things like this . . . become someone you never imagined you would be, but maybe is better than what you were aiming for in the first place. I'd like to think so anyway.<br />
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My faith has really struggled with this cycle. Something I thought I had gotten past. I've really been fighting with being able to trust God with this. How sad is that? He is in charge of everything and I can't even trust Him to bless me with something so "simple." I'm having trouble letting go and giving it to Him. I pray about it, but then I still sit and worry about it some more. And yes, I know, worrying isn't good for someone trying to get pregnant. Yeah. That helps a lot.<br />
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Anyway, that's a little bit of how I am right now. I'm a mess. But I'm fighting to not be quite so much of a mess.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-16506010012021415302013-07-28T21:15:00.002-05:002013-07-28T21:15:55.371-05:00What's Been Going OnSo, it's been a while since I last posted. Sorry about that. Life sort of got crazy lately.<br />
We went through our first cycle of IUI. I was able to give myself shots without freaking out or anything. All the sonograms were great and I had a follicle 23mm! That's the biggest I've ever had that I know about. Everything looked good, but it didn't work.<br />
We went to Oklahoma a couple weekends ago to celebrate the life of my grandfather. He passed away peacefully, sleeping in his recliner . . . exactly how I always thought he would. ALL of my cousins and their kids and most of their spouses made it to the funeral so we had 39 of the 41 members of our family crammed into Grandma's house. The funeral was sweet with lots of fun memories shared. He had requested that they play a recording of our family singing and it was weird to sit and listen to myself. But special. And those of us who were still there Saturday sat and sang together once again. Grandpa would have loved it. And we're all going to miss him a bunch!<br />
We headed east on vacation last weekend. We lost the air conditioning in the car a little over halfway across Louisiana. I got the call that I wasn't pregnant shortly after we hit Alabama. I was literally a hot mess when we finally got to my sister's house. We spent several days with her, went to Jeremy's cousin's wedding, headed up to see my other Grandma in middle TN, and then to Memphis a few days to hang out with Jeremy's family. It was sort of a crazy trip that didn't go quite like I had planned, but I don't know what I would have changed except the whole air conditioning debacle.<br />
By the time we got back to Texas, we were thinking we needed to just replace my car since it was going to cost a whopping $1500 to fix the A/C. It wasn't our plan. We were hoping to have the credit card paid off first, but by the time we got the car to the dealership to just see what we could get, it was smoking from another issue and we figured it was time to say good-bye to my very first car. It was my dream car, a Jeep Grand Cherokee we purchased shortly after we got married. We had 206,000 miles on that thing by the time we traded it in.<br />
Now, I have a 2008 Hyundai Santa Fe with moon roof and seat warmers, a CD player, and several other bells and whistles. And a car payment starting in September. Sigh. It's nice, but I am still upset that we had to do it right now.<br />
I went to work Friday and wished the whole day that I had just taken one more day off. Oh well. I survived. Then, Friday night we drove to Dallas again and stayed with my cousin. Then, up early Saturday for the sonogram to get this cycle started. We're still not sure what this next weekend will hold until the nurse can talk to my doctor, but we know we'll be driving back and forth to Dallas at least once this weekend. I really just want to stay home for a few weeks and not go anywhere. So tired!<br />
I'm just feeling really worn down right now. I figure I'm probably slightly depressed and partly catching up still from all the going we've been doing lately. Not much chance to rest this weekend, though, because we have a Gospel Meeting starting Wednesday night and a VBS Saturday (which we will probably miss due to dr appts in Dallas -- a HUGE bummer for me because I LOVE VBS). My faith is dipping and waivering some lately, but I'm clenching onto it with my fingernails, trying to remember all the good things in my life, and trying to work out some other things. I refuse to let Satan take the promise of Heaven from me. Too many people I love are going to be there for me to not aim for it, too.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-87430868756257154112013-06-20T21:42:00.002-05:002013-06-20T21:42:44.945-05:00Reality Sinking InThe FedEx man came today. He brought a box with ice packs . . . and drugs. $425 worth of fertility drugs. Half are in my fridge now, waiting for my new cycle. It makes it a little more real, ya know?<br />
I keep dreaming I'm pregnant. When I mention that, people are usually like, but isn't that good? Sure. Until I wake up. . . and am no longer pregnant. *sigh*<br />
I caught myself thinking, "What if this doesn't work the first cycle? Will be in the middle of our vacation when it's time to be heading back and forth to Dallas again?" I had to stop and force myself to stop thinking about it. What's the point of going through all this if I can't hope it will work? Easier said than done.<br />
On a side note, they've discovered a spot of cancer on my grandfather's brain so now not only will he be doing chemo for the spots he still has on his lungs that won't go away, but he'll add radiation for the spot on his brain. Last time I saw him, he had lost so much weight that his dentures looked too big for his face. My aunt says when she walked in to their house a couple weeks ago, she thought, "Well, there's Dad's shadow, but where is Dad?" I'm trying to brace myself. It's not easy.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-47283955748156871932013-06-15T21:15:00.001-05:002013-06-15T21:15:57.242-05:00I'm Going CrazyHave I ever told you how much I hate birth control? I abhor it. It does bad things to me. I'm emotionally a wreck, have a bad case of the munchies ALL THE TIME, and this time it's keeping me from sleeping well. Serious insomnia. Jeremy keeps asking me how many more days we have to be on the pill (just a few more now). I'm definitely ready to not be so grumpy all the time (and am sure my coworkers feel the same way).<br />
I'm also ready to put our plan into action now that we have one. All the tests have come back normal and fine. Genetics, estrogen, HSG screening, etc. Which also begs the question, "So why isn't it working?" But that question aside, let's get this going and see if it works or not. Also, I need to go ahead and face my fear of stabbing a needle in my belly. Because the more I think about it, the more terrified I am.<br />
I have a huge stack of stuff ready to take to my sister in July for her baby girl she's having in August. I sort of think I've been focusing on getting things like that ready so that I don't focus on the fact that I'm NOT having a baby still.<br />
And tomorrow is Father's day. Another hard one. Because I want so desperately to make Jeremy a daddy. The other day, I woke up to the sound of him getting in the shower and the thought that ran through my head was, "Daddy's up." I don't think I've ever referred to him that way before, but it sounded so right.<br />
So, we'll keep praying and hoping and trucking along as we wait a little longer and put this plan into action over the next few weeks.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-54586461235689703682013-05-30T20:39:00.002-05:002013-05-30T20:39:58.590-05:00A planSo, it's been a while since I posted anything on here. The last month hasn't gone exactly to plan. We made it through cycle six and still no pregnancy. Yesterday, we drove to the Dallas area to visit with a reproductive endocrinologist. He was very straight-forward with us, no icing on the cake. He pointed out that obviously the clomid wasn't working just by itself. I'm going in tomorrow for an HSG Screening to find out if I have any blockages. If everything is clear, we'll start something new this next cycle. He has me on birth control until then to keep me regulated. Once the new cycle starts, I'll go in for a sonogram between days 1 and 5 to make sure there are no cysts or anything. I'll start clomid again (it was working a little so we'll keep it in the plan for now). Then, days 7, 9 and 11, I'll get to inject another drug into my belly. This drug will help grow more and larger eggs. On day 12, we'll head back for another sonogram to make sure everything is working. If it is, they'll inject one more drug in me which will actually force my ovaries to release the egg(s) so that we won't have to wonder when I'm ovulating. The next day, we'll do IUI (intrauterine insemination). Then, he wants me on progesterone after that to help make everything keep working like it should. Whew! <br />
I keep reminding myself that I wanted a more aggressive plan than what we had been doing, but I wasn't really anxious to start injectables. This sort of takes all the fun out of making a baby, but we're just hoping it will work. There is only one more step between this plan and IVF, and I don't want to go down that road (that's another post I haven't written yet). So, that's where we are right now. If you want to know how I'm doing mentally, I honestly am not sure. I think I'm a little overwhelmed, but slightly heartened, too, because it feels like we're not just sitting still anymore. And, this is sort of the plan that got put on hold when Jeremy lost his job four years ago, so we're really just catching up with ourselves.<br />
Now, one foot in front of the other and get through the rest of tonight (hoping I sleep despite thinking about what I'll have to do tomorrow), and tomorrow morning. And then go from there.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-85910350956527548692013-04-01T20:56:00.001-05:002013-04-01T20:56:09.368-05:00It's Been a WhileIn case you're wondering, yes I'm still alive. Yes, I'm still not pregnant. It seems like it's taken over my thoughts more and more lately, even though I'm staying busy doing other things as well. I made myself a new dress for Easter . . . and then embroidered it . . . because I could. I've been commissioned to make a baseball baby quilt from my etsy shop so I'm busy starting to applique and embroider that. I'm helping host two wedding showers for girls at church and making baby things for the million and two people it seems like have wound up pregnant lately. Think they'd sell me some of their water?<br />
By the way, my sister is having a girl so now I have to decide how many cute little things I can make for her before it's called spoiling. My sister is having a rough time of it, still dealing with morning sickness. But I know she wouldn't change it for the world. I would deal with it happily if it meant I was pregnant.<br />
I'm on my fifth cycle. The doctor said six before we get sent to a reproductive endocrinologist. Meanwhile, my Grandma has had a dream about me that I'll have twin girls. Yeah. Not really wanting to think about that either.<br />
This post is sort of meandering, but I really just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know I'm still muddling through. I'm taking Pregnitude along with doing the Clomid and I don't know if it's doing any good or not. It can't hurt, though.<br />
I noticed that my prayers changed toward the middle of the last cycle. I had been praying -- let's change that to begging and pleading -- for God to let me have a baby. It seemed for a while like that's all my prayers were. Then, as I got more toward the middle of the cycle, I noticed I was praying more like this: please let me not be jealous of the girls who are pregnant and bless them with healthy safe pregnancies, please give me your strength and peace no matter what comes, and please help my unbelief.<br />
I'm not saying I'm super-Christian now. Far from it. I'm still struggling with jealousy and doubt and I still beg God for what I want. But maybe I'm one step closer to where I want to be in my walk with God.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-17420259468318216512013-02-15T21:39:00.001-06:002013-02-15T21:39:34.281-06:00AnnouncementI haven't been allowed to say anything since Christmas because they wanted to keep it a secret for a while, but my sister is pregnant. She's due August 20th. They've been married for less years than Jeremy and I have been trying to get pregnant. I knew before-hand that they were talking about starting to try sometime in the near future. But I had no idea that they had actually started trying until our family get-together at Christmas when she hands both me and my brother a card we have to open at the same time. It was her, standing in front of a sign in London, that says something about seats being reserved for disabled or pregnant people. It was a huge shock. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a minute. Somewhere, way deep down around my toenails, I was really happy for her. Unfortunately, that feeling didn't make it to my face. I didn't give her the reaction I wanted to be able to give her. I didn't cry . . . much . . . right then. But it was about the same time that I was having to take my clomid so I was already frustrated with everything and all I could think about was that it was supposed to be me. I'm the older sister. I've been married longer. I've been TTC longer. Why couldn't it be me, too? It would have been so much fun to be pregnant at the same time as my sister.<br />
Jeremy didn't pick up on what was going on right away so it didn't hit him as quickly. And then I think he was trying to be strong for me, but not sure what to do. My sister-in-law didn't realize the whole struggle Jeremy and I have been through so she was gushing and asking questions. We were at my brother's townhouse and I had nowhere to go. I had to sit there and hold it in.<br />
Jeremy and I cried for ourselves that night, trying to figure out exactly what we were thinking and feeling. We drove home the next day and so had lots of time to hash it out as we made the journey west from TN to TX. Somewhere around the middle of Arkansas, I started to come to grips with it. I do like the name Aunt Amy. And I have all sorts of cute ideas of things I can make for this niece or nephew. I'm just sad for myself.<br />
I called my sister several days later and apologized for not giving her the reaction I wanted to be able to give her. I wanted to jump up and hug her neck and squeal with joy and gush like my sister-in-law did, but I physically couldn't. I told her a lot of the things I was feeling and going through. She had been a little worried about how I would take it and had even asked Mom and Dad how she should tell me. They reassured her that I would be happy for her, but would also be sad.<br />
Most days I'm doing okay with the thought of it. But I still have down days. And with her making the public announcement on facebook yesterday, today was sort of hard. It doesn't help that I'm exhausted because I work all the time and don't stop to rest . . . and was up early this morning. And I'm hormonal . . . because I'm hormonal all the time!<br />
My bittersweet announcement. Wasn't what you were expecting, was it? Me, either.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-44069626613522007872013-01-28T22:23:00.003-06:002013-01-28T22:23:37.773-06:00LostDo you ever just feel lost? It's not so much that you don't know exactly where you are, but more a case of you don't really know how you got there? That's the way I feel. <br />
I know where I am. I'm working full-time for a job I don't hate but don't necessarily love either. I'm sitting on about three manuscripts I want to get published, but not sure how to get them that way. I'm 5 years past when I wanted to start having children. I'm living in a tiny apartment where I can usually find what I'm looking for but which we never completely unpacked because we didn't have room . . . and now seem to have less room. I'm married to a great guy, but sometimes it feels like we're just taking turns fighting this battle of infertility. I'm frustrated and down-hearted, but trying to be positive and think "it's only been two months of 100mg clomid. The doctor said we'd try for 6 months before giving up and going to something else." But every month is another heart-ache . . . and I've done the math. Assuming I have about 11 periods a year (this is assuming a lot since I'm not anything close to regular when I'm not on some sort of pill), my heart has been broken over the same thing close to sixty times now. And I keep picking up all the little tiny pieces and fitting them back together, taping them up again, hoping the glue will hold this time. I'm not giving up. I'm just trying to find a reason not to.<br />
I was talking to a friend the other night who went through infertility and ended up adopting. She told me that they started out with the plan of adoption if everything else didn't work out. Their child is perfect for their family. Just what God had planned. And she said it helped her to remind herself that even if they didn't have a child "naturally," she would end up with a child no matter what because she knew she had that other route. Jeremy and I have always talked about adopting a kid or two eventually. We just never really thought it might be more something we needed to do to have kids at all. So, it is an option for us. And I know we'll have a child (or more) eventually. I don't know how or when or anything else that might resemble a detail. But I know that much.<br />
I just need a map to get me from here . . . to there.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-77551153495539870102013-01-10T07:03:00.001-06:002013-01-10T07:03:16.061-06:00Holding PatternYou know how annoying it is when you're in a plane, flying in circles, waiting for the airport to say you can land? That's sort of how I feel about my whole life right now. Like I'm just flying in circles waiting for the go-ahead. I hate this part of the month, where I can't really do anything else to further my desire for mommy-hood except just wait and pray. And so, right now, every prayer I say starts with, "Please God, please let it have worked this time."msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-69493956183553314192012-12-25T13:21:00.003-06:002012-12-25T13:21:53.763-06:00UpdateFor those of you who are keeping track, we're on to cycle three. I started my pills again last night. Merry Christmas to me. It was really hard to accept this time. With the proof of ovulation a month or so ago, it was like all our excuses for it not working were out the window. Jeremy had a hard time with it, too. He may have had an even harder time than I did although I shed my share of tears. I'm doing better again. After all, even though each new cycle comes with disappointment, it also comes with hope. The doctor said we'd try this for six months/cycles and see what happens. We've got five more shots before we have to move on to another plan. Keep praying. I may need even more peace later this week when we get together with some of my extended family, including a cousin with a baby. It's not that I don't want her to have an extremely cute child. I know somewhere deep down inside I even might want to meet the kid and love on him. But right now it's hard because I don't have one, too. And I did the math the other day . . . I'll now be at least 31 before I get to be a mommy. So much for having kids at 25. Or even around the same time as my mom. She turned 31 several months after I was born. I know there's no real time-frame we're obligated to fill, but it's frustrating to see me getting older year after year with not much to show for it.<br />
Sorry if I've depressed you all on Christmas day, but I know a lot of you are keeping up with me and would want to know. Pray hard!msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-68822866818926939922012-12-04T21:20:00.002-06:002012-12-04T21:20:56.524-06:00Second Ultrasound . . . or Third, really, I guessSecond round of clomid is complete. We did 100 mg this time instead of 50. I went in for the ultrasound today. I was around day 17. Nothing in the right ovary. Left ovary showed signs of . . . wait. Doesn't that look like I already ovulated? Yep. Yep, it does. Wahoo! I did something most women take for grated every month!<br />
Now, please pray HARD that everything gets together like it's supposed to. And that I won't count my chickens too much before they hatch. . . . again.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-74048585650162416722012-11-16T21:30:00.002-06:002012-11-16T21:30:39.552-06:00ResultsI took a test tonight. It was negative. I'll call the doctor next week to discuss the next step of the plan. I hate this. I had gotten my hopes up really high this time . . . it just FELT like it worked. And then . . . <br />
It was going to be perfect timing because we could have announced it to the families at Thanksgiving . . . <br />
I was even okay with being pregnant through the summer.<br />
But . . .<br />
It was negative. Only one stripe instead of two. Again.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-13979380263627000262012-11-05T22:01:00.002-06:002012-11-05T22:01:35.378-06:00You would think. . .You would think that with the time change, I'd be asleep already. Instead, I'm up and my brain won't shut off. No. It's not THAT late, but it is getting close to my bedtime.<br />
For those of you who wanted to know, my doctor visit last week was inconclusive. He saw a follicle that was about 16mm, but he really wanted it closer to 20 to prove ovulation. He told me to do the every-other-day sex for a week and then take a test around day 35 if a new cycle didn't start by then. I'm to call him either way. If it doesn't work, we'll do a double nose next cycle.<br />
I have no idea if it worked or not. I'm trying very hard not to over-analyze everything my body is doing or not doing right now. I'm busy and stressed at work because it's payroll week and we had something else dumped on us which means I got some overtime (not always a good thing). I was stressed at home thinking about whether or not the clomid had worked. And I was stressed because I knew I wasn't supposed to be stressed since that makes it harder to get pregnant.<br />
Add to that I've started nanowrimo again. I'm over 10,000 words already, but I'm writing a story of two sisters who have to learn to love each other through their own separate struggles. The older sister struggles with infertility. It's hard to write, and yet not hard at all. It's been building up in me the last year or so and I'm just now to where I feel like I can let it out again.<br />
So, now you're sort of updated on me.<br />
Stressed but blessed. And now I should really go to bed.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-71388022850121702112012-10-30T07:35:00.000-05:002012-10-30T07:35:36.516-05:00In a Few HoursIn a few hours, I'll be at the doctor's office, having another ultrasound. We'll see if the meds are working or not. <br />
Part of me doesn't think it is. I'm trying to not look for signs or work myself up over this. It's only the first month we've been officially trying again.<br />
The other part of me . . . she's seeing signs everywhere.<br />
Say a prayer for me this morning. I'll let you know what he says.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-9753941526059669112012-10-17T21:28:00.000-05:002012-10-17T21:28:06.320-05:00Almost to ActionHad an ultrasound on Monday (a day my doctor wasn't actually in the office -- no idea why they scheduled it that way, but that's another rant), and talked to him today. They found a small fibroid . . . tumor-like thing. I just hate the word tumor. He's not worried about it, says it doesn't appear to have any effect on my fertility and so we're moving on to the next phase of the plan. I'll start Clomid on Sunday (not as soon as I was hoping to, but at least we're getting closer) and then have another ultrasound on the 30th to see if it's working. We're starting again on the lowest dose since it's been so many years since we tried this.<br />
I'm also going to try some herbal tea I found on amazon. It's called Fertilitea and there were quite a few really good reviews on it. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it just seems like there's more action going on this time than the last time we tried anything. I'm hoping that's a good sign.<br />
Say a few extra prayers. Last time I took Clomid, I enjoyed nausea, dizziness and major mood swings. Here we go!msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-53035397661047263042012-10-11T21:14:00.001-05:002012-10-11T21:14:55.537-05:00UpdateMy bloodwork came back normal. It's not my thyroid causing the problems. We'll proceed with the plan we laid out last Monday by going back this Monday for an ultrasound to make sure the ovaries and uterus look fine. Then, on to a new round of Clomid. I re-read my journal entries last night from the last time I was on it. Not fun. Not looking forward to it, but hoping to be pregnant in the next year.<br />
My Grandpa's tumors have been shrinking. Unfortunately, they found a new tumor and it is NOT shrinking with the chemo. So, on to a new drug that costs a LOT of money per pill. Actually thankful for Medicaid right now.<br />
My parents are going to have to move at the end of this month. They stayed at this place for four years. Compared to some of the places my dad preached when I was really little, that's a little better, but still . . . he was hoping to stay here until he retired. Sometimes, I hate how society has affected the church and now a lot of congregations decide that one thing going wrong means they need a new preacher instead of just dealing with what went wrong and supporting the man who is preaching truth to people who don't want to hear it. I'm off my rant now. I know the church is made up of people and no one is perfect, but it seems like shouldn't we be MORE perfect than the rest of the world?msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-31007405435367725142012-10-08T16:29:00.003-05:002012-10-08T16:29:44.783-05:00A Plan of Action<div id="yui_3_2_0_19_134973099539248">
<span id="yui_3_2_0_19_134973099539293">So, today was mostly just a check up and the start of coming up with a plan. My doctor is going to get my records from my past doctor so he can have the whole history. He also took some blood today to test things like my thyroid to see if maybe that's causing it. Next week, I'll go back to review the test results and he wants to do an ultrasound to see if things are the way they're supposed to be. If the tests come back okay, he suggested we just go ahead and start back on clomid to see if we can find a level that will work. Since it's been several years since we tried that, I'm okay with trying it again for a while. If we can't find a dosage that works, then he said I'll probably need to go see a fertility endocrinologist, which would mean going to Dallas as there are no actual fertility specialists here. We're praying that something works with this first plan so that we don't have to make constant trips back and forth between here and Dallas (at least two hours there and two hours back). Anyway, that's the plan right now, and I'll keep you updated. Thanks for any prayers you've offered so far and for those you offer in the future.</span></div>
msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-20477409852620385952012-10-07T15:23:00.001-05:002012-10-07T15:23:09.253-05:00TomorrowThis is the post I need to post and yet don't want to face at all.<br />
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my well-woman visit. And to talk to him about options. I need to know what can be done to get me closer to finding out WHY. And knowing whether or not there is a solution to this problem.<br />
So, tomorrow may start a huge roller coaster we'll be riding for a while, or maybe just another portion of this roller coaster. Maybe the last five years have been the Up, Up, Up, Up part with just a few downs and now we're heading into the loop-the-loops and twists and turns that come with the ups and downs. I'm not really sure. I just know every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat and I feel nervous and unsure and teary.<br />
So, I'm asking anyone and everyone who reads this today and tomorrow, please say a prayer for me . . . and for Jeremy, too, because he's on this ride right beside me. I need peace and strength and the ability to hold on to hope.<br />
I'm struggling lately with everyone saying, "But God will answer your prayers if you pray hard enough." I tell them, "But He doesn't always answer with a 'yes.'" I'm not saying we'll never have kids. I'm just struggling with the fact that we've been praying for this for five years. I know there's power in prayer. And I know our God loves us and that His plans for us are bigger and better than the plans we could make for ourselves. That doesn't always make it easier to live through the parts of waiting.<br />
msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-55571289116643646172012-10-07T15:17:00.003-05:002012-10-07T15:17:43.512-05:00Good ThingsA friend pointed out to me the other day that I hadn't posted on here in a while. It's not that I hadn't had things in mind to post, just that I hadn't really sat down and done it.<br />
So, here are some good things that have happend over the last month and a half. We paid off one credit card and the carpet that we had put in the house to sell it last year! We took the money from Jeremy preaching Labor Day weekend and used it on that first credit card. Then, when his raise kicked in in September, we used the raise and paid off the carpet. It's such a relief to just not have those hanging over us anymore. Now, we're down to two fairly big credit cards, but we're transferring their balances to another account so that we'll get 15 months with no interest. With that, we should be able to pay it off in a year or slightly more. I feel like I can breath again.<br />
Also, health insurance benefits from my job kicked in this month so we are both going to get to go to the doctor. For the first time in a year, my husband is insured again and that is also a huge relief to me.<br />
I'm trying to be grateful and not feel like the floor is about to open up and us fall through into more problems again. After several bad years, it's feeling almost too good to be true that this is working out so well right now. Please do me a favor and say a prayer of thanks for God answering those prayers the way He has and for taking care of us so well!msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-68006752604901696562012-10-07T15:12:00.001-05:002012-10-07T15:12:30.724-05:00HardI came down the hallway to put something up before trekking my bags out to the car and I stopped as I caught sight of my grandmother perched on the arm of Grandpa's chair, leaning over and kissing him, telling him she loved him. Tears sprang to my eyes.<br />
It was Labor day and the weekend that had started out so well had not ended up going as planned. Jeremy and I had gone up on Saturday to spend the weekend. Grandpa had called earlier and asked Jeremy to preach while we were there so even though it was a long weekend, we knew it would still be busy.<br />
We got to see one of my cousin's and her family (one four year old and two 18-month-olds and her husband). It was fun chaos and we all laughed together as my cousin and I made out the rolls for Grandma while she was on the phone with one of our aunts. After all, it was potluck Sunday that weekend and they wouldn't let us in if we didn't bring Grandma's rolls.<br />
Sunday came and we all loaded up and headed to church, made it through class, and enjoyed Jeremy's sermon. We were eating, finishing up lunch in the fellowship room at the church building, when I looked over and noticed my Grandpa holding his head in his hands. Someone mentioned that we needed to finish up quickly because he wasn't feeling well. Next thing I know, he's passed out. His blood pressure dropped and just like that he was unconscious and unresponsive. Grandma hollered at a friend there who is a nurse and she came to check on him while they called 911.<br />
I've never felt more helpless as I sat holding one of the twins and not sure what else to do. I knew he had passed out in the past, but for some reason, I had never pictured it like this. Drool dripped off his chin and his head hung down. The nurse rubbed his neck and checked his pulse, but didn't have her bag with her so couldn't do much more.<br />
Jeremy helped steer the young ones into another room and then flagged down the ambulance as they got there. They came in and quickly moved my grandfather onto a stretcher to take out. Jeremy and I took Grandma to the emergency room while my cousin took her family back to the house for naps. Grandma was fairly calm as she steered Jeremy through the back roads and to where she's spent way too much time over the last year.<br />
We went into the dingy little room and waited with her while she signed him in. Her hands shook as she pressed the black pen to the electronic pad. She kept pulling me close and saying she was glad she wasn't alone when he passed out this time (she had been the past two times). When they let us go back to the room he was in, he was wanting to sit up, but they couldn't let him because it made his blood pressure drop again. He was responsive again, talking to the nurses. He reached through the bars and held onto Grandma's hand, wanting to know everything that had happened. I got to see them do an EKG (I think that's what it's called) and take some blood. He offered the nurse my arm if she couldn't get any from his, so I could tell he was feeling better.<br />
They did several more tests and decided maybe he had pneumonia again. My cousin and husband switched places and I got to catch up with her more than I had in years while we waited. Grandma finally came out and told us they were going to send him on to Tulsa. I watched them wheel him out to another ambulance to go north and then I went back to the house with Jeremy and called my mom and her sister and brothers to let them know.<br />
Jeremy and I got to go get him the next morning before we headed home, but it was a rough weekend for me. It's so hard to see my hero, my Grandpa, so weak and . . . well, looking so old. I know he's old and we probably won't have him for many, many more years. But that doesn't make it any easier.<br />
I thought about that kiss I had caught before we left on Monday and just broke down. Jeremy just held my hand as we headed down the turnpike towards Texas. He understands how hard it is to see our grandparents like that . . . he had done sort of the same trip to his grandparents earlier in the summer.<br />
I'm glad I was there to help my Grandma that weekend. But if I get my choice, I don't want to see my Grandpa like that again.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-33582677215964932052012-08-19T21:21:00.001-05:002012-08-19T21:21:51.919-05:00Great is Thy FaithfulnessThis is one of my favorite hymns. Really pay attention to the words as you read them.<br />
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<li value="1">"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,<br />There is no shadow of turning with Thee;<br />Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not<br />As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.</li>
<ul>
<li class="chorus">"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"<br /> Morning by morning new mercies I see;<br />All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—<br /> "Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!</li>
</ul>
<li value="2">Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,<br />Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,<br />Join with all nature in manifold witness<br />To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.</li>
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"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"<br /> Morning by morning new mercies I see;<br />All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—<br />"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!<br />
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<li value="3">Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,<br />Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;<br />Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,<br />Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!</li>
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"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"<br /> Morning by morning new mercies I see;<br />All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—<br />"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!<br />
<br />
We sang it tonight at church and I started crying as we sang the last verse. God blesses us so richly. Someone had posted something on facebook the other day about how God was blessing them, had finally answered a prayer or something like that. My mom had commented on how God blesses us even when it's not necessarily the blessing we're wanting the most. We're still blessed even if we don't get what we think we need.<br />
I pretty much figured out today that even though I was beginning to believe I was about to get the best birthday present ever (I was two and a half weeks "late"), I'm not. I was dealing with it, but wasn't happy. And then as we were singing that beautiful song, it helped me remember that I am blessed no matter what. Even though I want so badly to be a mommy, and even though I wanted it to happen before 30 (which is next week), I'm going to be blessed even if none of that ever happens. It hurts to think about it not happening, but even if it doesn't, I'm still majorly blessed.<br />
We're waiting on my health insurance from work to kick in before going to any doctors or anything, in case you were wondering. Anyway, it's just been a long day and that song got to me. I still believe it and sing it with all my heart, but together with the sermon tonight (which was on Isaiah 43:1-7, a GREAT verse about how God is with us through every struggle and hardship), I got a good dose of reminding that God will help me through this disappointment just like all the others and that He is good all the time, even when it doesn't feel like anything in this life is going the way we had it planned. <br />
Great is His faithfulness.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-16984618500282323572012-08-12T16:28:00.002-05:002012-08-12T16:28:57.472-05:00Re-examining MindsetsI was raised in a house where nothing was worn on Sunday morning except your nicest. And for me, that meant a dress. Never slacks, even when it was really cold outside. Of course, when I was growing up, there weren't that many women wearing slacks on Sunday morning. I didn't think much about it. <br />
Now that I'm grown up (I guess being almost 30, I am, aren't I?), I still follow that rule. My husband doesn't mind either way, but I know he likes the way I look in a dress. I overheard a couple of ladies talking about shopping after services on Wednesday night so I went over to join their conversation. They were complaining about how hard it is to find anything modest and nice to wear anymore. I, who know how to use a sewing machine, hadn't thought about the fact that someone larger than I am (and I usually wear a 4 or 6, if you must know) would have as hard a time finding something dressy to wear as I do. I mean, they make a LOT of immodest clothing for skinny people and even though I'm not completely in love with my body, I know it's still skinny. I didn't realize that there was as much for people in the bigger sizes, too. I am so blessed because of my sewing abilities and hand-me-downs from friends who decided they'll never fit into these things again after having baby #1/2/3/4 . . . and my ability to be able to find a skirt here and a top there that I can tell is going to go together. And even if it doesn't fit perfectly, I can alter most things to fit better or be more modest if they're too low cut.<br />
This is the first time that I guess I realized a lot of women wear slacks on Sunday mornings now because they can't find anything else that is modest enough for them to feel comfortable in. I always considered the pants side of it, never the modest side. Does that make sense? And please don't think that I judged them harshly for wearing pants. I didn't understand it, as my grandmothers would never dare set foot in a church building in pants on Sunday morning so I didn't realize anyone in the generation between them and my parents would. I was glad they were there, whatever they wore. I just didn't realize that their reason for wearing pants wasn't because they felt themselves liberated enough to do so . . . it was because there's nothing out there that works as well. (And yes, I realize this doesn't cover all women everywhere, but it probably covers more than I ever thought about.)<br />
Who wants to help me start a modest clothing line for older women? I've been thoroughly reminded to stop jumping to conclusions. ;-)msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-18091296450345809712012-07-30T21:21:00.003-05:002012-07-30T21:21:31.061-05:00Less than a MonthIt's less than a month to my birthday. Three decades is a long time. A lot can happen in 30 years, but I'm not sure how much I've actually accomplished in my time. I've graduated with a BA and gotten married. I've stayed married longer than several of my friends, sadly. (I say sadly not because I've stayed married for 8 years, but because it's such a short time to have friends who have already ended theirs.) I'm not a mom yet. I'm I'm not rich. I'm not even out of debt. And as far as I know, I haven't helped anyone come to Christ. So, have I wasted my first 30 years? I'm not sure. But I know I want to do better in my second 30 years.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4804949424661732061.post-9471213591054781402012-07-19T22:45:00.001-05:002012-07-19T22:45:32.316-05:00Strange TimesSo, normally in the middle of my cycle, I'm more hopeful and positive-thinking, but this time just seems like it's going the opposite direction. I know I've said we're planning to look into fertility treatments this fall, but a girl can still hope a miracle happens before then. Anyway, while I've been trying to hope, it's almost like I'm trying not to hope at the same time.<br />
We're heading to Austin this weekend for the Bible Teacher's Workshop there and to see friends. I'm looking forward to seeing friends from the five years we lived in that area except for one thing. . . a bunch of them are pregnant or have newborns. And while I love my friends and am (somewhere deep inside of me) happy for them, it's also hard for me, especially since most of them this is three or four kids for them. We're staying with friends who went through infertility and I've been missing them majorly. They were a huge support while we lived there and I have definitely missed having her around to talk it through. Not that I couldn't pick up a phone and call her, mind you. It's just not the same. And I never seem to get around to calling people like I should. I don't even email or facebook message people very well anymore.<br />
Another thing . . . I keep seeing this preview for a movie about a couple who can't have kids and then, bam, a boy shows up in their home out of the garden. I sort of want to watch it. And I sort of don't. I think I'll cry if I do. Because a boy isn't going to just show up out of our garden (that would consist of one planter and a sad little tomato plant on my front porch right now). <br />
See? I'm just not in an optimistic mood right now. Not sure why I'm feeling so down when so many things seem to be going right, but I am.msguishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10860237718890561436noreply@blogger.com0