Luke 1:37

I teach second grade on Sunday mornings and this was our memory verse for last week.  Don't want to look it up?  Let me quote it to you:  "For nothing will be impossible with God."
We had used it as our memory verse for the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, DO go look that one up because it's one of my favorite Elijah stories -- I Kings 18.
BUT, as I'm doing my Bible reading this morning, I'm using the English Standard version of The One Year Bible.  I like the way it's arranged because it has for every day, a snippet of the old testament, a snippet of the new testament, and a psalm and a proverb.  Today's new testament snippet was from Luke 1 where we're getting into what some people refer to as the Christmas story.  The angel is telling Mary that she's going to have a baby and she asks how since she is a virgin.  The proof he offers is that her cousin, Elizabeth, who is older, is now six months pregnant, and he says, "For nothing is impossible with God."  I've heard that verse my whole life, but I think that's the first time it dawned on me that it refers to two different women getting pregnant miraculously.  And I know that every pregnancy is miraculous in its own way because it's creating a new life, a new soul.  But sometimes, it is more miraculous than others.  Like, in having Elizabeth, who could not get pregnant, get pregnant.  And the day I discover that I'm pregnant, this verse will echo in my mind, because of the miracle of it all.

To Move a Mountain . . .

From my Bible reading this morning:

Mark 11:22-24

"And Jesus answered them, 'Have faith in God.  Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, "Be taken up and thrown into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him.  Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.'"

I really need to remember this  more often.

Granola

I have quite a few friends who refer to themselves as "crunchy."  When I use that term while talking to my husband I have to explain it, so for those of you who may not know, they call themselves that because they're a bit like granola -- a bit hippy.  I have no problem with them being this way.  Everyone is allowed to have their own style of beliefs and living, even if I don't agree with all of the things they think.  And I don't.
They are gung-ho for cloth diapering.  I'm okay with that.  If we decide that it will save us money, I'm willing to look into that.  I just get tired of hearing about it ALL the TIME.
They like to talk about breast-feeding.  Okay.  Nothing wrong with breast-feeding.  I plan to participate in that if God blesses me with kids.  I don't want to make a spectacle of myself doing it, though.  I don't want it to make me think that I am more important than another woman who doesn't breast-feed or that it means I should be given priviledges that other people don't have.  Sorry, but women have been breast-feeding for years and not required any extra help or attention before now.  What makes us so entitled?
They are against Disney princesses.  Quite honestly, I feel sorry for the Disney princesses.  I understand that they don't want their daughters to grow up being helpless or feel like they can only marry a prince, but haven't they ever heard of moderation?  Yes, let your daughters be who they are without making them wear ONLY pink or tiaras or whatever, but what if they want to wear pink?  Isn't that okay, too?  I love fairy tales.  I love pink.  I love being girly.  Does that make me not as good as girls who don't like that stuff?  No.  So, why not give your daughter the option of it?
This post is not to complain about my crunchy friends.  It's not even to say they're wrong.  I have just discovered that lately I have seen so many posts on blogs and facebook that I just skim over the post to see if it's one of "those" posts and then roll my eyes and go on with my life, saying I want to be nothing like them.  I've actually started praying that God keep me from wanting so much to be unlike them that I go too far in the opposite direction.  I guess I just want to be able to make up my own mind and make my own decisions.  So, I appreciate that they are making their own decisions.  I just hope that when I have kids, my decisions won't wear on my friends' nerves because I feel like I need to speak of nothing else.  And I hope they can see where I'm coming from and respect me and my decisions, too.

Things I Don't Understand

These are just a few things that perplex me lately.

• Why it's so hard to believe that not only have I never had a drink, I don't want one.
• Why some people have such a hard time getting along with their family, and even seem to like to fight with them.
• Why everything seems to quit working and/or need to be replaced at the same time.
• Why it's 80 degrees in February.
• Why I can change four diapers in the time it takes for my preschool "aide" to change one.
• Why I don't keep my kitchen clean all the time instead of letting it build up so that it takes even more effort to clean it when I do finally get around to it.
• Why I want so desperately for my husband to get a job, even if it means moving, but am still afraid to move again.
• Why I want so desperately to be pregnant but am also afraid of all that comes with it.
• Why I can't forgive someone for something that wasn't even really their fault.
• Why I'm tired until it's time to go to bed and then can't sleep.
• Why I say yes to things and then really don't want to do them even if they do mean extra money.
• Why we owe taxes when we don't make enough money to be able to afford to pay them (this actually may have changed since the last time I looked at it since the laws passed at the end of last year kicked in after the 14th of this  month and I haven't had time to look at it since).
• Why I'm facebook friends with some people.
• Why I don't do something about some of my great ideas.
• Why I'm taking the time to make a list of things I don't understand.
• Why I can't remember the rest of them.

Back in the Mean Reds

I knew it had been a while since I had posted anything, but I really didn't think it had been a month.  I've got to tell the truth . . . I've been stuck in the Mean Reds as Holly Golightly would say in Breakfast at Tiffany's.  It's sort of like saying I'm depressed.  A lot of it is due to money issues of late.  I just can't seem to make our ends meet neatly lately and it's driving me crazy.  Really, things haven't slowed down that much, work-wise.  But I think Jeremy's not getting paid quite as much right now as he was for a while because their numbers weren't quite what the company thought they should be (he works in returns and they're supposed to "save" most of the sales).  Anyway, money is a major stresser in my life and neither one of our cars is as good as it should as it should be.  It just feels like we're caught in the quagmire of debt right now.
On a good note, Jeremy has applied for a job or two that is looking more like a possibility of something better for the next school year.  On the downside, I guess I need to start thinking about how to bring in extra money this summer when my after-school care and preschool jobs will not be paying me.  And we still have to get him hired.  Please, God, please give my husband a better job, one in education.
The other reason I've been down is because of the usual . . . really wanting to be a mommy.  I had had so many days of having tender breasts that I had started to think maybe . . . maybe this time.  And then a new cycle started again.  Back to wondering, wishing, hoping, praying, crying, wanting it more than anything else in the world.
I'm fighting the mean reds.  I don't want to be depressed.  But I'm still there at least a little bit.  The hardest part is making sure I don't take them out on those around me.  And I'm not sure I've been doing a wonderful job of that, either.  Say a prayer for me.  Maybe I need to go eat breakfast at Tiffany's.

Exhausted

This has been a sort of rough week for me.  I'm tired.  Not just physically because of working extra hours and trying to keep up with everything I'm supposed to keep up with, but spiritually, emotionally tired.
I was talking to one of my friends and telling her about what the chiropractor said about giving up gluten.  She's been down a lot of the road we're travelling right now (and has two beautiful children, by the way), and she asked me if we'd ever been tested.  And it was like a light bulb went on in my head.  We haven't had any tests really except some bloodwork and a simple look at Jeremy's swimmers.  Really not even scratched the surface.  I have no idea what's causing my infertility even though I have a name for it -- PCOS.  But that tells me the symptoms and not the cause.  She pointed out that a lot of the tests are fairly inexpensive and if they test for something like tube blockage or endometriosis, my insurance should cover part of it as it is a health concern outside of just infertility.  It was like a cloud had lifted off of me when she said that.  Of course, right now we still can't afford even a "cheap" test, but maybe sometime in the nearer than later future we can.  And then  maybe we can get some answers besides just PCOS.
I'm just tired of thinking about it all, though.  I'm tired of it taking up so much of my life, inserting itself into so many of my thoughts and worries and prayers.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a holding pattern and unable to do anything about it.  I'm tired of the emotional ups and downs.  I'm tired of overanalyzing everything my body does, every pimple, every twinge, every secretion.  Every munchy attack.
And to make matters worse, I'm making myself paranoid now.  After having two ruptured cysts two cycles in a row . . . and knowing that they ruptured while having sex (sorry if I offended you, but you know this is a blog about infertility and that you can't get pregnant without having sex), I'm afraid to have sex during the last week or so (give or take a week, considering that I never really know when the last week of my cycle is) of my cycle for fear that it will happen again.  Sigh.  Can you see how tired I am?  I'm exhausted.

But I LOVE Bread . . .

We had dinner with our friends last night, one of which is a chiropractor.  He had agreed to talk to us about some options he might be able to help us with in the future.  I loved how he talked about treating not only the symptoms but the whole body.  He wants to run a lot of tests on basically anything and everything to try and figure out what is causing my PCOS.  And I love the thought of working on not only the symptoms but the cause.
Here's the struggles I see about going through this:

• We can't afford the tests right now, and definitely can't afford them all at once.
• He wants me to give up gluten.

I have said several times to Jeremy that I hoped our kids would not have a gluten allergy because I wasn't sure how I'd deal with having to do all the gluten-free stuff.  According to our chiropractor-friend, about 80 percent of people in the world are allergic to gluten.  Jeremy says that it's because there aren't as many varities of wheat and rye and barley anymore.  But it's still weird to me to think about it.  I know that you can make bread with other things . . . and brownies and cakes and cookies.  But I'm still not sure about it.  It's a lot to think about.  As much as I want to be pregnant, why am I even hesitating at this suggestion?