I've titled this "my prayer" although I probably should have titled it what I want my prayer to be. I'm still reading from Jennifer Saake's Hannah's Hope (it's taking me a while to get through because I only read a chapter here, a chapter there due to it being so emotionally involved).
Anyway, she has written down this prayer in the chapter I was reading the other night and it definitely spoke to me. I'm sharing it here so you can help me pray this way for my life.
Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off myself. Take my eyes off the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby -- someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
I have to admit, I cry a bit every time I read this.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Reality Strikes Again
I've had all sorts of posts floating around in my head recently, but haven't gotten them down (or is it up) here yet. I guess you're wondering about the title of this post. There's several points to it, most of which are all from the posts that hadn't been written yet and are now going to be all crammed into one. I apologize for not being more organized than that, but mostly this is me trying to get some of this off of my chest/out of my head so that I can go to bed and sleep instead of lying awake worrying half the night.
I didn't realize when I started working at the car dealership that I was really entering a sort of mission field. But it is. I guess any workplace that's not "Christian" is one, huh? Having never worked for anything that wasn't Christian unless you count those two months one summer when I worked at Fred's during college, this was a bit of an eye-opener for me. It sort of felt like I was back in high school. The thing that fascinated me most, though, were all the "christian" perspectives from the other people who worked with me. Honestly, mostly I was surrounded by Baptists if they went to church. One of them has gone his whole life to the Baptist church, plays trumpet in their band (still blows my mind that there are that many different instruments in their worship service), and is a really great guy. But he told me one day that he quit going to Sunday school because he got tired of it and wasn't getting anything out of it. Another one said he grew up in the Church of Christ, but then started going to the Baptist after his parents got divorced (evidently the Baptists are more accepting or something), but he felt that really it was pretty much just like the CofC except that there was instrumental music. He also cusses a lot and I'm pretty sure he's living with his fiancee' before they're married. I don't know. It just blows my mind that we can all be reading the same Bible which says the same thing and come about such different answers for how we should live our lives/worship our God.
Anyway, I am no longer in that exact mission field because I was laid off last week. Due to financial reasons, they decided to not have a full-time receptionist and instead make the other girls do my duties as well as their own. I feel sorry for them. But I'm also looking at our checkbook and our bills and trying to figure out what to do. I've already called the temp agency and they're on the lookout for something else. I guess reality is just really setting in tonight more than it has over the last few days. I was told Wednesday and worked through Friday so it didn't feel real. And then it was the weekend so I didn't have to think about it much then. But now it's Sunday night and I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning and it's weighing heavily on me. I know I complained a bunch about how people acted there, how I hated having people yell at me on the phone because someone else wouldn't pick up, the smoking, the cussing, etc. But now I have to start all over again when I thought I was actually about to get hired on full-time and actually work for them instead of through my temp agency. Talk about a meeting not going the way you thought it would! I just don't deal with change well. And this is a lot of changes for only one year.
On a good note, I guess, my last two cycles have been normal without the pill. The problem with that for me is that I'm still wondering . . . well, let me explain to you how my cycle goes so you can understand. A normal woman has a period, then knows that she ovulates around day fourteen, then fourteen days later expects another period. I'm more like this: oh, my period is starting, I'm not pregnant; hm, it's around day twelve, wonder if anything is going on, was that a twinge? day fourteen, should we have sex? day sixteen, is it too late or are we right on time? day eighteen, I really need to quit thinking about this; day twenty-six, hm, broken out forehead, tender breasts, tired, moody . . . pregnant or pms? day twenty-eight, is my period going to start today? And then it goes on like that until my period actually does start, usually around day thirty-two or four (ish). So, having a normal twenty-eight day cycle when I'm not on birth control is very abnormal. And it's giving me nothing but more to think about. I have to wonder if I actually ovulated or if I just am still dealing with the leftover effects of being on several months of birth control a couple months ago. Or if I'll ever get pregnant.
And this is all swimming around in my head, bugging me, keeping me awake. I'm not good at letting go and trusting God to take it and make it better, I guess.
Say a prayer for me. I'm stressed out and need all the help I can get.
I didn't realize when I started working at the car dealership that I was really entering a sort of mission field. But it is. I guess any workplace that's not "Christian" is one, huh? Having never worked for anything that wasn't Christian unless you count those two months one summer when I worked at Fred's during college, this was a bit of an eye-opener for me. It sort of felt like I was back in high school. The thing that fascinated me most, though, were all the "christian" perspectives from the other people who worked with me. Honestly, mostly I was surrounded by Baptists if they went to church. One of them has gone his whole life to the Baptist church, plays trumpet in their band (still blows my mind that there are that many different instruments in their worship service), and is a really great guy. But he told me one day that he quit going to Sunday school because he got tired of it and wasn't getting anything out of it. Another one said he grew up in the Church of Christ, but then started going to the Baptist after his parents got divorced (evidently the Baptists are more accepting or something), but he felt that really it was pretty much just like the CofC except that there was instrumental music. He also cusses a lot and I'm pretty sure he's living with his fiancee' before they're married. I don't know. It just blows my mind that we can all be reading the same Bible which says the same thing and come about such different answers for how we should live our lives/worship our God.
Anyway, I am no longer in that exact mission field because I was laid off last week. Due to financial reasons, they decided to not have a full-time receptionist and instead make the other girls do my duties as well as their own. I feel sorry for them. But I'm also looking at our checkbook and our bills and trying to figure out what to do. I've already called the temp agency and they're on the lookout for something else. I guess reality is just really setting in tonight more than it has over the last few days. I was told Wednesday and worked through Friday so it didn't feel real. And then it was the weekend so I didn't have to think about it much then. But now it's Sunday night and I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning and it's weighing heavily on me. I know I complained a bunch about how people acted there, how I hated having people yell at me on the phone because someone else wouldn't pick up, the smoking, the cussing, etc. But now I have to start all over again when I thought I was actually about to get hired on full-time and actually work for them instead of through my temp agency. Talk about a meeting not going the way you thought it would! I just don't deal with change well. And this is a lot of changes for only one year.
On a good note, I guess, my last two cycles have been normal without the pill. The problem with that for me is that I'm still wondering . . . well, let me explain to you how my cycle goes so you can understand. A normal woman has a period, then knows that she ovulates around day fourteen, then fourteen days later expects another period. I'm more like this: oh, my period is starting, I'm not pregnant; hm, it's around day twelve, wonder if anything is going on, was that a twinge? day fourteen, should we have sex? day sixteen, is it too late or are we right on time? day eighteen, I really need to quit thinking about this; day twenty-six, hm, broken out forehead, tender breasts, tired, moody . . . pregnant or pms? day twenty-eight, is my period going to start today? And then it goes on like that until my period actually does start, usually around day thirty-two or four (ish). So, having a normal twenty-eight day cycle when I'm not on birth control is very abnormal. And it's giving me nothing but more to think about. I have to wonder if I actually ovulated or if I just am still dealing with the leftover effects of being on several months of birth control a couple months ago. Or if I'll ever get pregnant.
And this is all swimming around in my head, bugging me, keeping me awake. I'm not good at letting go and trusting God to take it and make it better, I guess.
Say a prayer for me. I'm stressed out and need all the help I can get.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Sarah
Jeremy and I are teaching the kids' class on Wednesday nights at church. Because the congregation is so small, we have all the ages of kids, from elementary through the teenagers, stuffed into one classroom. It can be sort of crazy. And it's the first time we've tag-team-taught. Usually, I'm the one who teaches the kids and he's the one who teaches the teenagers, and we're hoping to get the congregation to grow to the point that we can split the class into two classes like that.
Anyway, we're teaching through the story of Abraham right now. Last week, we talked about how God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a child. Abraham was 99 and Sarah was 90. Needless to say, they laughed. After all that time of waiting, God was finally going to give Sarah what she'd been wanting for so long. Back then, if you didn't have children, you didn't have anyone to take care of you in your old age. It was definitely a thing looked down upon and often you were looked at and others wondered what you had done wrong to make God not give you such a blessing. I guess even though I'd heard the story hundreds of times, I was in a more emotional state that night. And I wondered, at what point did Sarah give up? When did she just decide that she wasn't ever going to have a child? I know it was by the time she was in her seventies, because she gave Hagar to Abram so he could have a child that way. But still . . . I guess I just wished I knew more of the story. I wanted the backstory, the details, if you will, of how she dealt with that, not even having the medical advances that we have today to give her extra hope. Because I'm struggling right now with all of it, and I do have the thought that someday we might be able to afford such a thing.
And then, the verse that stabs me in the heart everytime and reminds me that there is still hope, even in a situation that seems hopeless . . . "Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son." Genesis 18:14. I added the emphasis. Because that's the part I need to keep reminding myself. Is anything too hard for the Lord? If He could give a 90 year old woman a son, couldn't he give me a child, too?
Anyway, we're teaching through the story of Abraham right now. Last week, we talked about how God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a child. Abraham was 99 and Sarah was 90. Needless to say, they laughed. After all that time of waiting, God was finally going to give Sarah what she'd been wanting for so long. Back then, if you didn't have children, you didn't have anyone to take care of you in your old age. It was definitely a thing looked down upon and often you were looked at and others wondered what you had done wrong to make God not give you such a blessing. I guess even though I'd heard the story hundreds of times, I was in a more emotional state that night. And I wondered, at what point did Sarah give up? When did she just decide that she wasn't ever going to have a child? I know it was by the time she was in her seventies, because she gave Hagar to Abram so he could have a child that way. But still . . . I guess I just wished I knew more of the story. I wanted the backstory, the details, if you will, of how she dealt with that, not even having the medical advances that we have today to give her extra hope. Because I'm struggling right now with all of it, and I do have the thought that someday we might be able to afford such a thing.
And then, the verse that stabs me in the heart everytime and reminds me that there is still hope, even in a situation that seems hopeless . . . "Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son." Genesis 18:14. I added the emphasis. Because that's the part I need to keep reminding myself. Is anything too hard for the Lord? If He could give a 90 year old woman a son, couldn't he give me a child, too?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Justification
Isn't it "funny" how we justify things?
We justify watching a show with foul language and sex in it because it's really a crime-solving show, not a show about sex. And the language just makes it realistic.
We justify not reading the Bible because we really need those minutes in the morning to do the dishes or straighten the living room before work. And after all, we've read it several years in a row now. It's not going to hurt to skip a year.
We justify not praying before every meal because we don't want to offend the people around us in the breakroom at work, or we just don't think of it as we do our million and two things during breakfast to get our day started.
We justify not saying anything to our co-workers about their language, even though it offends us, because we don't want to offend them or to look like we think we're better than they are.
We justify not sharing our faith more because everyone thinks that just because we're a Christian we think we're going to heaven and know all the answers and that we think they don't know anything.
We justify putting up with some "friends" on facebook who use "OMG" or post pictures that aren't necessarily what we like to see because we're hoping that just by being facebook friends, maybe they'll see us as a good influence and maybe we can rub off on them instead of just saying, "I'm not going to put up with it. I didn't know you that well in high school anyway."
I've been thinking a lot about things like that. About what I allow in my house, what I put up with at work without saying anything. Today was really hard for me. One of the first co-workers who walked in this morning cussed twice in one sentence because they had pranked his office while he was off yesterday since he's a newbie. Then, he messed up the office of the guy he thought it was first and bragged about how he had changed the guy's computer desktop to a picture of a baby flipping a bird. I pointed out that it was rude, and he thought about how a customer might see it so then he changed it to a rainbow joking that the guy was "gay." I said something about how that wasn't funny, either, and that the guy was engaged to a girl. He called me a homophobe. My day went down from there with so many of my co-workers using bad language around me. I've asked one or two of them to at least tone it down when they're close to me, but it still seems to just get worse everyday. What I really hate, though, is that the more I hear it, the more it just appears in my thoughts when something bad happens or things don't go as I wanted them, too. And that makes me mad. I work so hard to be pure and clean and not use language that would offend God, but if it's in my head, then it's just as bad as if it had come out of my mouth, according to the Bible.
So, I'm making it a goal in my life this year to try harder to stop letting so much filth into my life. I might pare down my facebook friends. I will hopefully step up and ask the co-workers to please watch their language around me. I will try to not let things slide by so much on what I let into my home through the television and movies. I want to be more like Christ and less like the world. And the only one who can make that happen, is me.
We justify watching a show with foul language and sex in it because it's really a crime-solving show, not a show about sex. And the language just makes it realistic.
We justify not reading the Bible because we really need those minutes in the morning to do the dishes or straighten the living room before work. And after all, we've read it several years in a row now. It's not going to hurt to skip a year.
We justify not praying before every meal because we don't want to offend the people around us in the breakroom at work, or we just don't think of it as we do our million and two things during breakfast to get our day started.
We justify not saying anything to our co-workers about their language, even though it offends us, because we don't want to offend them or to look like we think we're better than they are.
We justify not sharing our faith more because everyone thinks that just because we're a Christian we think we're going to heaven and know all the answers and that we think they don't know anything.
We justify putting up with some "friends" on facebook who use "OMG" or post pictures that aren't necessarily what we like to see because we're hoping that just by being facebook friends, maybe they'll see us as a good influence and maybe we can rub off on them instead of just saying, "I'm not going to put up with it. I didn't know you that well in high school anyway."
I've been thinking a lot about things like that. About what I allow in my house, what I put up with at work without saying anything. Today was really hard for me. One of the first co-workers who walked in this morning cussed twice in one sentence because they had pranked his office while he was off yesterday since he's a newbie. Then, he messed up the office of the guy he thought it was first and bragged about how he had changed the guy's computer desktop to a picture of a baby flipping a bird. I pointed out that it was rude, and he thought about how a customer might see it so then he changed it to a rainbow joking that the guy was "gay." I said something about how that wasn't funny, either, and that the guy was engaged to a girl. He called me a homophobe. My day went down from there with so many of my co-workers using bad language around me. I've asked one or two of them to at least tone it down when they're close to me, but it still seems to just get worse everyday. What I really hate, though, is that the more I hear it, the more it just appears in my thoughts when something bad happens or things don't go as I wanted them, too. And that makes me mad. I work so hard to be pure and clean and not use language that would offend God, but if it's in my head, then it's just as bad as if it had come out of my mouth, according to the Bible.
So, I'm making it a goal in my life this year to try harder to stop letting so much filth into my life. I might pare down my facebook friends. I will hopefully step up and ask the co-workers to please watch their language around me. I will try to not let things slide by so much on what I let into my home through the television and movies. I want to be more like Christ and less like the world. And the only one who can make that happen, is me.
A Good-bye
Something hit me the other day -- not anything physical, but a thought.
All my life I've said I didn't want to wait until I was 30 to have kids like my mom did. I'm the oldest of three. She was 35 before she had my brother.
And until now, I had a chance to achieve that goal.
I will be 30 in August. August 28, actually.
Unless something happens and I get pregnant in the next month and then have a preemie, I won't have a child until I'm at least 30.
So, we say good-bye to this promise I made to myself forever ago. I know it's silly to think so seriously about something like that. Everyone says I'm young, and I know it's true. But, still. . . it's sad to me.
All my life I've said I didn't want to wait until I was 30 to have kids like my mom did. I'm the oldest of three. She was 35 before she had my brother.
And until now, I had a chance to achieve that goal.
I will be 30 in August. August 28, actually.
Unless something happens and I get pregnant in the next month and then have a preemie, I won't have a child until I'm at least 30.
So, we say good-bye to this promise I made to myself forever ago. I know it's silly to think so seriously about something like that. Everyone says I'm young, and I know it's true. But, still. . . it's sad to me.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
By the Way
For those of you who remember way back when I posted about my writer friend who has been struggling with cancer, she just got this report. :-)
Thoughts on 2011
I meant to do this before 2012 started, but as you can see, it didn't happen. Anyway, here are some thoughts on everything that happened last year.
We didn't start out the best. Jeremy was still working retail and not happy. I was feeling more and more like I was living with a zombie instead of the man I fell in love with. I was still working three or four part-time jobs, including my home-sales job.
As Spring approached, Jeremy searched even more diligently than he already was for a teaching job. He got a couple of interviews and maybes and hopes, but each one turned into nothing. When the one he had really set his hopes on and tried so hard to get let him down, that's when he hit the bookcase and broke the bone in his hand right above his pinky (I thought we had it all paid off, but we got another bill the other day -- go figure). It seemed like nothing was going to go right. He only had one more year to finish his accreditation course and we weren't sure but that it was going to be a waste after all.
I worked summer camp again in the summer, hating the hot weather that didn't seem to give any mercy. All the plans we had made seemed like they would never happen.
However, things took a turn toward the end of the summer. Jeremy got a job interview in July when I was in Chicago for the national conference for my business and he was offered a teaching job at a Christian school in east Texas. He took it and everything changed quickly after that. My Mom and sister spent the week with me to help work on the house and spruce it up. Jeremy went ahead and moved to the new town while I worked a month at my old job and waited on the house to sell. I don't know how I'd do it over if I had the chance, but I would try to not be apart from my husband for so long. That was probably the hardest part of it all.
Finally, late in October, we were both moved along with all our things to a small apartment. We went from having 1300 square feet to having 800. It's definitely been a test to our patience and sanity. Our house finally sold in mid-November and I finally got a job through a temp agency in early November. The only problem with selling our house was that we took a loss. This means, that even though I got the escrow check the other day, I still owe more on the new carpet we had to put into the house. Sigh.
I did achieve my 50,000 words in November for the fourth year in a row, but have not achieved my goal of getting closer to being published. This goal has been moved forward to 2012.
December was almost a blur. It went so fast. I barely had the tree up for long and it just didn't feel the same as it usually does. I don't know if it was because I was working full-time and didn't have as much time to enjoy it, or if it was just that kind of a year. I will say that I enjoyed getting to see our families at Christmas for the first time in three years. That made it the best Christmas in a while. It was hard going back to work last week, though, with Jeremy still off.
So, 2011 wasn't terrible. We're several steps closer to being where we want to be. Still no kids. Still no master's degree for Jeremy, but he got his prospectus approved and is scheduled to finish this semester. Still not sure where we'll be after this school year, but I'm just trying to enjoy the wonderful friends God is giving us here in east Texas. So, thank you God, for a wonderful 2011. Let's do even better in 2012!
We didn't start out the best. Jeremy was still working retail and not happy. I was feeling more and more like I was living with a zombie instead of the man I fell in love with. I was still working three or four part-time jobs, including my home-sales job.
As Spring approached, Jeremy searched even more diligently than he already was for a teaching job. He got a couple of interviews and maybes and hopes, but each one turned into nothing. When the one he had really set his hopes on and tried so hard to get let him down, that's when he hit the bookcase and broke the bone in his hand right above his pinky (I thought we had it all paid off, but we got another bill the other day -- go figure). It seemed like nothing was going to go right. He only had one more year to finish his accreditation course and we weren't sure but that it was going to be a waste after all.
I worked summer camp again in the summer, hating the hot weather that didn't seem to give any mercy. All the plans we had made seemed like they would never happen.
However, things took a turn toward the end of the summer. Jeremy got a job interview in July when I was in Chicago for the national conference for my business and he was offered a teaching job at a Christian school in east Texas. He took it and everything changed quickly after that. My Mom and sister spent the week with me to help work on the house and spruce it up. Jeremy went ahead and moved to the new town while I worked a month at my old job and waited on the house to sell. I don't know how I'd do it over if I had the chance, but I would try to not be apart from my husband for so long. That was probably the hardest part of it all.
Finally, late in October, we were both moved along with all our things to a small apartment. We went from having 1300 square feet to having 800. It's definitely been a test to our patience and sanity. Our house finally sold in mid-November and I finally got a job through a temp agency in early November. The only problem with selling our house was that we took a loss. This means, that even though I got the escrow check the other day, I still owe more on the new carpet we had to put into the house. Sigh.
I did achieve my 50,000 words in November for the fourth year in a row, but have not achieved my goal of getting closer to being published. This goal has been moved forward to 2012.
December was almost a blur. It went so fast. I barely had the tree up for long and it just didn't feel the same as it usually does. I don't know if it was because I was working full-time and didn't have as much time to enjoy it, or if it was just that kind of a year. I will say that I enjoyed getting to see our families at Christmas for the first time in three years. That made it the best Christmas in a while. It was hard going back to work last week, though, with Jeremy still off.
So, 2011 wasn't terrible. We're several steps closer to being where we want to be. Still no kids. Still no master's degree for Jeremy, but he got his prospectus approved and is scheduled to finish this semester. Still not sure where we'll be after this school year, but I'm just trying to enjoy the wonderful friends God is giving us here in east Texas. So, thank you God, for a wonderful 2011. Let's do even better in 2012!
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