I've titled this "my prayer" although I probably should have titled it what I want my prayer to be. I'm still reading from Jennifer Saake's Hannah's Hope (it's taking me a while to get through because I only read a chapter here, a chapter there due to it being so emotionally involved).
Anyway, she has written down this prayer in the chapter I was reading the other night and it definitely spoke to me. I'm sharing it here so you can help me pray this way for my life.
Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off myself. Take my eyes off the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby -- someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
I have to admit, I cry a bit every time I read this.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Reality Strikes Again
I've had all sorts of posts floating around in my head recently, but haven't gotten them down (or is it up) here yet. I guess you're wondering about the title of this post. There's several points to it, most of which are all from the posts that hadn't been written yet and are now going to be all crammed into one. I apologize for not being more organized than that, but mostly this is me trying to get some of this off of my chest/out of my head so that I can go to bed and sleep instead of lying awake worrying half the night.
I didn't realize when I started working at the car dealership that I was really entering a sort of mission field. But it is. I guess any workplace that's not "Christian" is one, huh? Having never worked for anything that wasn't Christian unless you count those two months one summer when I worked at Fred's during college, this was a bit of an eye-opener for me. It sort of felt like I was back in high school. The thing that fascinated me most, though, were all the "christian" perspectives from the other people who worked with me. Honestly, mostly I was surrounded by Baptists if they went to church. One of them has gone his whole life to the Baptist church, plays trumpet in their band (still blows my mind that there are that many different instruments in their worship service), and is a really great guy. But he told me one day that he quit going to Sunday school because he got tired of it and wasn't getting anything out of it. Another one said he grew up in the Church of Christ, but then started going to the Baptist after his parents got divorced (evidently the Baptists are more accepting or something), but he felt that really it was pretty much just like the CofC except that there was instrumental music. He also cusses a lot and I'm pretty sure he's living with his fiancee' before they're married. I don't know. It just blows my mind that we can all be reading the same Bible which says the same thing and come about such different answers for how we should live our lives/worship our God.
Anyway, I am no longer in that exact mission field because I was laid off last week. Due to financial reasons, they decided to not have a full-time receptionist and instead make the other girls do my duties as well as their own. I feel sorry for them. But I'm also looking at our checkbook and our bills and trying to figure out what to do. I've already called the temp agency and they're on the lookout for something else. I guess reality is just really setting in tonight more than it has over the last few days. I was told Wednesday and worked through Friday so it didn't feel real. And then it was the weekend so I didn't have to think about it much then. But now it's Sunday night and I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning and it's weighing heavily on me. I know I complained a bunch about how people acted there, how I hated having people yell at me on the phone because someone else wouldn't pick up, the smoking, the cussing, etc. But now I have to start all over again when I thought I was actually about to get hired on full-time and actually work for them instead of through my temp agency. Talk about a meeting not going the way you thought it would! I just don't deal with change well. And this is a lot of changes for only one year.
On a good note, I guess, my last two cycles have been normal without the pill. The problem with that for me is that I'm still wondering . . . well, let me explain to you how my cycle goes so you can understand. A normal woman has a period, then knows that she ovulates around day fourteen, then fourteen days later expects another period. I'm more like this: oh, my period is starting, I'm not pregnant; hm, it's around day twelve, wonder if anything is going on, was that a twinge? day fourteen, should we have sex? day sixteen, is it too late or are we right on time? day eighteen, I really need to quit thinking about this; day twenty-six, hm, broken out forehead, tender breasts, tired, moody . . . pregnant or pms? day twenty-eight, is my period going to start today? And then it goes on like that until my period actually does start, usually around day thirty-two or four (ish). So, having a normal twenty-eight day cycle when I'm not on birth control is very abnormal. And it's giving me nothing but more to think about. I have to wonder if I actually ovulated or if I just am still dealing with the leftover effects of being on several months of birth control a couple months ago. Or if I'll ever get pregnant.
And this is all swimming around in my head, bugging me, keeping me awake. I'm not good at letting go and trusting God to take it and make it better, I guess.
Say a prayer for me. I'm stressed out and need all the help I can get.
I didn't realize when I started working at the car dealership that I was really entering a sort of mission field. But it is. I guess any workplace that's not "Christian" is one, huh? Having never worked for anything that wasn't Christian unless you count those two months one summer when I worked at Fred's during college, this was a bit of an eye-opener for me. It sort of felt like I was back in high school. The thing that fascinated me most, though, were all the "christian" perspectives from the other people who worked with me. Honestly, mostly I was surrounded by Baptists if they went to church. One of them has gone his whole life to the Baptist church, plays trumpet in their band (still blows my mind that there are that many different instruments in their worship service), and is a really great guy. But he told me one day that he quit going to Sunday school because he got tired of it and wasn't getting anything out of it. Another one said he grew up in the Church of Christ, but then started going to the Baptist after his parents got divorced (evidently the Baptists are more accepting or something), but he felt that really it was pretty much just like the CofC except that there was instrumental music. He also cusses a lot and I'm pretty sure he's living with his fiancee' before they're married. I don't know. It just blows my mind that we can all be reading the same Bible which says the same thing and come about such different answers for how we should live our lives/worship our God.
Anyway, I am no longer in that exact mission field because I was laid off last week. Due to financial reasons, they decided to not have a full-time receptionist and instead make the other girls do my duties as well as their own. I feel sorry for them. But I'm also looking at our checkbook and our bills and trying to figure out what to do. I've already called the temp agency and they're on the lookout for something else. I guess reality is just really setting in tonight more than it has over the last few days. I was told Wednesday and worked through Friday so it didn't feel real. And then it was the weekend so I didn't have to think about it much then. But now it's Sunday night and I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning and it's weighing heavily on me. I know I complained a bunch about how people acted there, how I hated having people yell at me on the phone because someone else wouldn't pick up, the smoking, the cussing, etc. But now I have to start all over again when I thought I was actually about to get hired on full-time and actually work for them instead of through my temp agency. Talk about a meeting not going the way you thought it would! I just don't deal with change well. And this is a lot of changes for only one year.
On a good note, I guess, my last two cycles have been normal without the pill. The problem with that for me is that I'm still wondering . . . well, let me explain to you how my cycle goes so you can understand. A normal woman has a period, then knows that she ovulates around day fourteen, then fourteen days later expects another period. I'm more like this: oh, my period is starting, I'm not pregnant; hm, it's around day twelve, wonder if anything is going on, was that a twinge? day fourteen, should we have sex? day sixteen, is it too late or are we right on time? day eighteen, I really need to quit thinking about this; day twenty-six, hm, broken out forehead, tender breasts, tired, moody . . . pregnant or pms? day twenty-eight, is my period going to start today? And then it goes on like that until my period actually does start, usually around day thirty-two or four (ish). So, having a normal twenty-eight day cycle when I'm not on birth control is very abnormal. And it's giving me nothing but more to think about. I have to wonder if I actually ovulated or if I just am still dealing with the leftover effects of being on several months of birth control a couple months ago. Or if I'll ever get pregnant.
And this is all swimming around in my head, bugging me, keeping me awake. I'm not good at letting go and trusting God to take it and make it better, I guess.
Say a prayer for me. I'm stressed out and need all the help I can get.
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