Update

I have an appointment on Friday to have another ultrasound -- just to see if the medicine is for sure working or not. I think it is just from my charts and the way I feel. Then, the doctor wants to talk to me about IUI -- the next step she thinks we should take. Jeremy is leaving work early to come with me to this appointment. I'm trying not to think about it. Just wanted to let anyone who still reads this know.

Lots of Stuff

So, I really haven't had a lot of time to post things on here since Ladies' Retreat and my revelation. So much has happened.
My sister got engaged and has been on the phone with me several times a week to talk wedding plans. She's getting married June 27th. I'm very excited for her.
We went to LTC last weekend and it was great. I love watching kids succeed at things they've worked so hard for over the last few months. I pretty much had to sit on my hands to keep from signing to my signing kids when they messed up, but they made it through and two got gold and two got silver. Not too bad.
We got back and made it through the first day of school this week. Then, I got sick with what my coworkers had brought to school with them. Started out with a runny nose and stuffy head and sore throat. Moved on to a hugely stuffy head and barely able to lift it off the pillow. Moved on my chest so I've been coughing for two days. Doesn't this sound like fun? The good news is that I'm usually in the final stages of my sickness when it moves to the chest. And I guess it's good for my abs.
The first of the week wasn't great, despite the lack of sickness. I started a new cycle. Jeremy took it harder than I did, but we both suffered a bit. Sunday was hard for me, all the babies dressed up in their Easter finery. And it does seem like there are a lot of babies at church all of a sudden. I made it through and then had to deal with waiting for Jeremy while he dealt with it. He's one of these people who doesn't talk when they're sorting things out in their head so I never know exactly what he's thinking until he's gotten it all arranged and in an order that makes sense to him. That's hard on me because I'm the complete opposite usually. So, I really feel left out as he sorts through things, but it doesn't help for me to bug him about it because he'll tell me when he's ready. It's just hard for me to wait.
Every now and then I dream about being pregnant and it's so real that when I wake up I actually look for a baby bump. And then have to get over it the rest of the day. I have a call in to my doctor right now to see if she wants me to come in for another ultrasound next week. We'll see. I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I need to find other things to focus on. Here I come, cast-aside-all-week projects!

Hooray!

My little sister is getting married this summer. I totally wish I lived closer to her. At least I get to be a bridesmaid (matron?). And I'm super-excited to get a new brother-in-law.

A Change of Heart

This weekend was ladies' retreat. Beth Brown from Katy, TX spoke for us on "Journey to Joy." I needed to hear everything she said, even though some of it hurt to admit. I am using this blog post (my 50th one, I noticed) to confess my sins and ask for forgiveness from the few of you who still read this.
I have put my focus on the wrong thing lately. Even though having a baby is a great thing, and I still want one, that's not where the main focus of my life needs to be. I was saying something about hoping God would come soon and Jeremy mentioned that if He did, I would never get to have a child. And I actually caught myself wishing He'd put it off until after that. That's not the way my life needs to be. I can touch other lives without having a child -- maybe even better. I just know that having my focus so much on having a baby and getting pregnant and going through all that I don't have, I have forgotten how wonderful my life really is, how blessed I am. I've forgotten that joy is a choice and I have to choose to look for joy. Beth said, "We're not going to get there faster than God takes us." Even though it feels like God is taking a REALLY long time, I know that if He gives me a child, it will be at the perfec time.
I have never had my faith tested like this before. My life, even though I thought it was horrible at times, has been wonderful. My parents are still together, I have wonderful siblings, I'm talented (maybe too much so), I'm healthy, have a great husband who has put up with me through all of this . . . I'm blessed way more than I deserve. When you focus only on what you don't have, you forget all the good things. I think my friend Whitney was hinting at that to me the other day (although I could just think that was directed at me because I still consider the world to revolve around me sometimes). Anyway, this is a really big struggle for me. My faith has waivered and I'm not proud of that. Even though I believed in God, I couldn't believe He would actually answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to. I'm still growing. The kids at school were singing "He's still working on me" the other day and I think that fits not only kids' lives, but ours as well.
So, I'm singing "I Need Thee Every Hour," "Be With Me, Lord," "Lord, Be There For Me," etc. I'm changing the way I pray, too. For years and years, I've always started my prayers asking God to forgive me of my sins. I think I figured that if He didn't forgive me first, He wouldn't hear the rest of my prayer, either. Now, I'm moving my "thank you" section to the first. I need to move it to the front so I can pay more attention to it. Because when you recognize how much God has given you, it's hard to ask for lots and lots more.
I'm not saying this is going to automatically get easier just because I've realized this. I'm not saying I'm going to change overnight. But I am going to try. Pray for this. It still hurts to see others with their newborns, but I'm working through it and thinking about other things that ARE happy in my life. Like my inch-high green bean plants and the cooler weather this week and my fun bunny craft this week and and and . . . . I hope I can share more good news with you soon. Because this blog has been way too depressing lately. God has blessed me with friends who pray for me daily and I appreciate each and every one of you more than you will ever know.

The Most

This has to be the most depressing blog ever. I am so tired of being depressed and being depressing. I therefore vow to at least try to post one happy thing a day. Today, it is new plants in my garden. Yay. My squash is several inches long. My green beans and black-eyed peas are peeking up through the clover taking over the garden. And my tomatoes actually have a little flower on them although I'm not expecting tomatoes from them anytime soon since they're still only several inches high. But still . . . isn't that a little less depressing?

Green bean

black-eyed peas

same as above

squash

tomatoes

To the Point

I'm to the point of not believing anything will ever get better money-wise. It's not that we're suffering. We totally splurged on fast food on the way home last night. But it's frustrating. We're paying off the car next month -- and it's over a hundred dollars less than I thought it was going to be. We got paid well for Jeremy's gospel meeting so that helped pay of a chunk of our huge credit card bill. I was thinking we'd actually have extra money to go ahead and buy plane tickets for Phillip's graduation next month, but today when I started my laundry, something happened. My washer quit rinsing, spinning and draining. Instead, it just sits there, full of icky water and soaked clothes. Sigh. I was going to traipse the clothes to the shower or sink and rinse them out before drying them, but I gave up when I couldn't even lift the basket. Sigh. Wet clothes are heavy. Jeremy tells me we're going to be okay. And I know that. But it's still frustrating to start thinking everything is going to work out like I wanted it to, only to find out that something else jumps in the way. Grr. Stupid mud washing machines. No. I don't want to go back to the way it was before washing machines. I just want mine to work.

Struggling

So, here's my question: how strong is my faith really? I believe there is a God and I believe He loves me. I even believe He's going to let me in heaven one day.
So, why can't I trust Him with my infertility? Why is it this ever-continuing struggle between me and me to let go and trust Him? I feel like such a bad Christian because I know God is big enough to take care of EVERY problem we have. It's just that every month that goes by, it feels more and more like He doesn't care about this problem. I'm tired of hearing about all these "oops" people who wind up pregnant on accident. I'm tired of having to give smiles to the new babies at church because I'm friends with their parents. I'm tired of everyone else getting a baby shower and not me. I'm tired of wondering every month if it's going to work out. I'm tired of taking my temperature every morning, my pills every evening days 5-9, and having to have sex when I don't feel like it. Sorry if I offended you, but that's the way it is. But I can't give up.

Jeremy has this plan: we wind up pregnant soon and he gets to go in and tell the Juniors we can't go to Europe with them next spring break after all because we'll need to stay home with the baby. I think it's a lovely plan, but it breaks my heart to think it might not work out the way he wants it to. And my heart breaks a little more every time I hear it and wonder if it's going to be an option or not.

My biggest question is "why?" Why am I having to go through this? Why is this happening to me? Why can't I get pregnant? Why? Why? Why?

I know how selfish this all sounds. I know how selfish I feel. How bitter and angry and frustrated and eternally sad.

So, my other biggest question is "How much more of this can I take before I completly break down and go crazy?"

Spring Break Begins

Whew! It's been a full Saturday -- a full week. Mom and Dad were visiting with us Tuesday through Thursday. We enjoyed the short time we had with them -- I never get enough time with them. Mom's always make things better, it seems. Of course, I started the day she left so it was doubly hard on me. I stayed busy yesterday getting things ready for today. Today, we got up, loaded the car, and headed north to Salado where I did a show. Then, we loaded back up and headed north to Okmulgee, OK to my grandparents' home. Jeremy is going to be preaching a gospel meeting here for them on the Restoration Movement in the church. Since it's his topic of his master's degree, I feel like he'll do a good job. My cousin, Michelle (same age as me) and her three kids are here tonight, too, before they head south to Houston to see her family. Darien is 5 going to be 6 in July. Ayden and Aylene are both 2 going to be 3 in June. They are so cute and cuddly and fun. And make me want one of my own even more. Sigh. They're leaving tomorrow, but it's been fun to snuggle with the kids. We don't get to see them very often. I'm looking forward to a week with Grandma and Grandpa. I want to go through her fabric scraps again (maybe) and get some more aloe vera for me to kill. Or for Toby to kill, more like it. I love my cat, but he's really annoying when it comes to plants. I hope everyone has a great Spring Break!

Sadness where you look for it

My cycle is winding down. I can feel it, and I dread it. Blah.
The bluebonnets are blooming. I started seeing them this week, as they peek their purply-blue heads up next to the roads and interstates (and in some yards). It's a big thing down here to take pictures in the bluebonnets. I see families along the roadside, dressed to the nines, avoiding the fire ants and bumblebees to capture the perfect family photo in a field of bluebonnets and black-eyed susans. I really want to have my pregnancy photos taken in bluebonnets because I think it would be so neat. So, it's a happy and sad thing to see them popping their heads up, announcing the true arrival of Spring. Isn't Spring supposed to be when you have a baby? Isn't it the coming of all things new? I'd say maybe next Spring, but I sort of hope it doesn't happen so we can go to Europe with the Seniors next year. Is that limiting God?

Hard Weekend

I don't know why, but this weekend has been hard. Friday I woke up having this sense that my period will start next week. That, together with the leftover upsettedness from Thursday night, made me sort of down all day long and I couldn't shake the depression. I cheered up a bit that night because my sweetheart spent time with me and we watched his brother in Spring Sing (online -- we didn't head to Oklahoma). It was fun to laugh at his brother dressed up like a girl. Saturday I was still down. I puttered around the house, but didn't really convince myself to do anything. Finally, I talked Jeremy into helping me start the garden that evening and that gave me something else to focus on for a while. But this morning in church, they announced that they are about to start looking for more deacons. And I realized that by not having kids, Jeremy is ineligible to be a deacon. And it breaks my heart even more. I know, if we do not have kids, eventually we can adopt and have kids. But right now, it's just hard to accept that. And I'm struggling a lot with all of this. Poor Jeremy has had to step back into the help me through it role instead of the be helped through it role. Pray extra hard this week as I struggle with all this. Evidently, I am not as faithfully strong as I needed to be -- maybe that's why God is letting me struggle right now. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Hermit Crab

I'm not usually a hermit. I love to get out and do things with people. I hate shopping by myself and always wish I had a friend to go with. Needless to say, most of the time, I don't avoid going to things like Bunko or church or showers. However, I'm reconsidering lately.
I sat at Bunko tonight and listened to them all talk about their kids, their pregnancies, how much weight they gained, their C-sections, etc, etc, etc. And I know that only two of them knew anything about what I'm going through. But at the same time, I just wanted to stand up and scream, "Really?! Can't you see I don't want to hear about this right now?" I know they don't know they're bothering me. If I had kids, I'd probably jump right in and swap the horror stories with them. But I don't. It just makes me want to curl up somewhere away from everyone and not come out again until my situation changes.
I'm not really going to do that. But it makes me want to. And I have successfully avoided the last four baby showers (although I did make gifts for them). Just call me a hermit crab.

Pampered Chef blog show beginnings

I have a great friend in Dallas who is doing a show for me right now . . . on her blog. I've never heard of anyone else doing this, so we'll see how it goes. If you want to see how we're doing it, check out her blog. She's super crafty and fun anyway, but I think she's doing a great job on the show, trying to get some more sales for me. If you're interested in doing the same thing, let me know. I'd love to help you earn free stuff.
As for me, I'm not thinking about that other THING. At least, I'm trying not to. Instead, I'm focusing on planting a garden, seeing my parents next week, going to Oklahoma for Spring break(Jeremy's doing a gospel meeting where my grandparents worship), fixing up the bathroom, booking plane tickets for my brother's graduation, selling Pampered Chef, working on a quilt I started in high school, and going to Europe with Jeremy's class at school next spring break. Probably thinking about a few other things, too. Anything but getting pregnant.

Spoke Too Soon

Satan has this fun way of helping you think you have everything under control. I think that while I've had this peace for the last month, he has been trying to find weaknesses and cracks in my wall, to sneak in a finger here or there and break out a chunk so my peace goes away. I won't let him get away with it. But the last couple of days have been harder again. I had forgotten how big the sadness was. I was boasting of how I had finally given it to God, had let Him take over and wasn't going to worry about it anymore. And Satan used my boasting, my overconfidence, to slip in and add some worry and some envy and some sadness. I will give it back to God. And hopefully, this time I won't take it back. He doesn't need my help. I need His.

I'm a couple days behind on my Bible reading, but in the sections I read today, I found this:

Psalm 40:1-5

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie! You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told.

Just thought I'd share those uplifting verses with you.

Strife

This has been coming for a long time. I just can't hold it in anymore. I won't use any names, but some of you will probably know who I'm talking about anyway.
I am 26 1/2 years old. I have quite a few married friends. Unfortunately, I also have some divorced friends. I seriously feel like I'm way too young to have divorced friends. I am also upset because they were Christians and got divorced anyway. I know there were extrenuating circumstances. I even have an idea what some of them were. But you just don't get a divorce!
The thing that is bringing up all this strife inside of me is that she is getting married again. He is already remarried. And everyone is acting so happy for them. And I can't stop thinking about the Spring Break trip several years ago to see them get married to each other and how happy we all were then. It's breaking my heart and I just can't seem to be happy for her. I asked Jeremy if I were a bad person because I didn't want her to remarry. He told me no, but I still feel bad.
I guess the only marriage I can really worry about is my own, but I'm one of these people who worries about her friends (and their actions) even when she can't do anything about it. I'm not going to say anything to her, but I had to let out the frustration I'm feeling over the whole situation. Because I believe marriage should last forever -- and you should only have it once if your spouse isn't dead. Isn't that what the Bible says?

The Great Debate

This is my third year working at Brentwood Christian Extended Care. When we moved down here, I wanted a job with less stress than I had been enjoying as a legal assistant, and I got it with this job. Not much stress comes with a job where you baby-sit hundreds of kids every afternoon, right? *annoying buzzer sound* Wrong! With the wonderfulness of a Christian school also comes the politics of a Christian school. The parents are always right, even when they're wrong. The kids are always perfect even when you want to shake them until their teeth rattle. The crafts are never fun enough for the kids, the activities never what they want to do, the movies never what they want to watch. Then, you have these great days when everything goes smoothly, no one gets a nose bleed or hits anyone, no one complains about the craft, and you even get to enjoy playing with them, peeking into their imaginations and youthfulness.
I'm debating. Do I want to do this a fourth year? Most aides don't make it more than one or two years from what I can figure out. Directors don't do much better. It's a job where we get "stuck" wherever everyone else isn't. Even though we're supposed to have a space for a certain amount of time, if someone else needs it, we move. I feel like we get run over all the time and it frustrates me more than the kids and parents. When I took the job, I didn't really expect to have it for so long because I thought I was going to have kids and stay home with them. When I took my job with the Pampered Chef at the end of last March, I was planning the same thing. I thought the Pampered Chef would be a great way to help me be a stay-at-home mom. I just didn't expect it to take me this long to become a mom. Anyway, my Pampered Chef business does fairly well and it's starting to bring in the same amount as Extended Care. Here's the debate: do I still want to do both next year? Do I want to continue having that certain paycheck every month of the school year? Do I want to plan crafts and activities and deal with kids every day another year? Would I go stark-raving-mad not having those three and a half hours out of the house every day? And what if the medicine finally works and I get pregnant? Would I just quit when I have the baby?
I'm one of these people who likes to be comfortable. I don't like change very much. I'd rather just stay in a miserable job than to go out and find another one. That's why I was a legal assistant for two years instead of just one in Memphis. That's why I'm still working at Extended Care this year. That, and I like having the paycheck. I really stepped out of my comfort zone to be a Pampered Chef consultant, but I feel like it's a great job for me. Now, I just have to figure out if I want to take the final plunge and drop my job that's okay, but not perfect. My dream job is to be a stay-at-home-mom and a writer. But until I get to do that full-time, how many part-time jobs do I want to continue to do? Anyone have any insights?

Battling the Beast

Anyone else ever see Fern Gully? It wasn't that great of a movie, but I saw it. In the movie, there was this big, ugly slime monster who tries to kill the rain forest. Anyway, for some reason, he is who I think of when I think of all the "black" feelings inside of me. When I get angry, sad, depressed, frustrated . . . I picture those feelings looking a lot like him, creeping up inside of me, taking over my actions and words and thoughts. When I feel him taking over, I mentally use all the forces of good inside of me to push him back down. But it's like I can only push him back down to my toes . . . not all the way outside of me.
I've been doing fairly well battling him lately. I've only had one or two outbursts, one or two sad moments. I'm praying fervently everyday for God to help me keep the peace and happiness He has put in my heart lately. I don't want to lose that feeling. The beast keeps creeping up, lurking, waiting for a weak moment to take over. But I keep pushing him back down, with the help of God.

The Conservatory Overcoat Giveaway

I hope I'm doing this right, because this coat is super cute. Go check it out!

The Conservative Overcoat Giveaway

Oh So Good

I try to always keep a box of Bakers chocolate squares in my pantry because of this recipe. I made some tonight. Half a recipe is perfect for two. They whip up quickly and are so good. I love it with chocolate ice cream and milk. This is something to help me through the hard days. I hope you enjoy them, too!

http://www.kraftfoods.com/kf/recipes/molten-chocolate-cakes-69182.aspx

Fragile

Peace and happiness are fragile. They come easily and leave easily. But I'm holding onto mine as hard as I can. I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life and get out of this rut I was in of focusing only on what I did not have. Don't get me wrong: I still want to have a baby. And it's still a little sad that my cycle started again. But I'm okay. And it feels so good to be able to say that. And feel that.
I know it's not my own power that has brought on this peace. It is study and prayer and others' prayers. It is God's power. And it is awesome. I don't use that word lightly. It's like, all of a sudden, inside of me, it doesn't matter when I get pregnant, because something tells me I will. And that I need to stop worrying about it.
I think God has worked it out that when one of us is weak the other is strong (I'm talking about me and Jeremy now). Jeremy was heartbroken again when my cycle restarted. And I feel sadder about him feeling sad than I do about the cycle. Isn't that strange?
It sort of scares me that I can feel this peace when the opposite of what I wanted to happen happened. And I'm dreading starting the pills again in a few days -- they play with my emotions and I have a feeling they will steal at least part of my peace. But I am enjoying it for as long as God helps me keep it. Definitely enjoying it.

As Promised . . .

Our first date fell on Friday, Feburary 9th. Jeremy's car had broken down so we were trying to figure out what to do. I decided my roomie and other friend, Hannah, should go, and bring dates, too. Well, Shyla, my roomie, wasn't going if Hannah wasn't going. And neither one wanted to go really, but I'm a very convincing person. So, we called up Jeremy Smith and Chris Ritch and piled into Shyla's station wagon and headed to Pizza Hut (we were in Henderson, TN -- there's not much else there).
Please remember, everyone knew Jeremy and I were on a date together, but none of them knew we were actually a couple. A couple of what, I'm still figuring out.
While at Pizza Hut, we ran into Jeremy's roommate Andy. He had his girlfriend, Amy, sneak into our picture that he decided to take. This is the fun result. It is framed in our bedroom to remind us of where we started.

We colored on the placemats, ate pizza, and then trudged back through the mud puddles to the car to head to Jackson for a movie. We all planned to see "Save the Last Dance." Jeremy wasn't thrilled about the choice, but that was the plan. Shyla, Jeremy S., and Chris were all in the front of the line with Hannah and Jeremy and me in behind them. They got the last tickets to the movie. Jeremy and I made a quick decision to see "The Wedding Planner," and Hannah, not wanting to be alone, came with us.

She was pretty quick to figure out what was going on between the two of us as we sat there holding hands through the movie. We didn't even get to sit beside each other on the way back to campus. But still . . . it was our first date. The one we had spontaneously planned in December. And I'm pretty sure no one else has a story quite like it!

Romantically Inclined

Even though our first date wasn't until February 9th, we officially decided we were in L-U-V love 8 years ago tomorrow, February 7th. To me, that date is more special than the 14th. Want to hear the story?
I met him when he was dating my friend, Kristen, first semester of my freshman year. She dumped him, by the way. He didn't leave her for me. We informed each other the night of the election that we would never marry someone like the other one. I'm learning to never say never. Anyway, towards the end of the semester, he was sitting in the lobby with Stefanie, and I had moved out there to be with others while I worked on my huge charcoal art project (I don't think I'll ever do charcoal again). He and Stefanie were talking about planning a "spontaneous" date for three months from that day (December 7th). I piped up and said I wanted one, too. We agreed on the Friday closest to two months from that day. I went home over Christmas and didn't think much more of it. I do remember telling my Uncle Tim that I had found a guy that reminded me of him. He told me to beware such boys.
I came back to school and got back into the swing of things. I had our date on the calendar, but didn't really see him much. Then, one night, my suitemate, Erin, came in and told me that boy I was friends with was wandering alone through the Commons. Something inside of me was sad at that thought so I went out and found him and we talked for a while. He started riding to church with my friends because his car died. As we spent more and more time together, I liked having him as a friend, but we were still adamant about staying just that. . . nothing more. I remember someone asking if we were dating because she said we looked alike. We denied it vehemently. That was about February 6th, if I remember correctly.
It was lectureship week and my dad and grandfather were on campus, along with thousands of other people. I remember he skipped Greek to stay through a boring lecture with me -- I think he wanted to skip Greek more than just be with me, but I can imagine what I want. We went to the Wednesday night lecture together and stayed for Pickin' and Singin'. What can be more fun than silly bluegrass? He had his hands on the arm of the chair and for some reason, one slipped off and landed on my knee. I quickly slid my hand under it because I did NOT want someone touching my legs! Instead of him moving his hand, though, he twined his fingers through mine and our hands stayed that way until we left for Clayton Chapel Singing (actually on the tennis courts instead of in Clayton Chapel that night because of how many came). We sat on the cold tennis courts and sang. I scooted closer to him because he had no jacket and I figured he was cold. Right before the prayer, they announced that my dorm mother had had a stroke and had been taken to the emergency room. Jeremy put his arm around me as we bowed our heads to pray and pulled me close to his side. I could hear his heart beating more than I could hear the prayer. When the "amen" was said, we looked at each other and said, "We need to talk."
Outside the lobby of my dorm, he leaned against the wall. We sort of hummed and hahhed. And I think I asked him where this was going. He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't know, either." But we agreed we wanted to find out where it was going. So, we decided maybe we would date each other. We also agreed not to tell anyone for awhile -- except we let ourselves have three people each, just so we wouldn't burst. Silly us. I'll write about our first date later because that's a fun story, too.

Nesting Without an Egg

I don't know if it's the thought of Spring coming or just the fact that a new year has started, but I want to do all these home projects. I want to finish ripping down wallpaper and tearing out the floor in the bathroom so we can paint and replace the tiles. I want to paint the bedroom and get curtains that I actually like. I want to clean out the "Spare 'oom" so that it can be used as a nursery eventually. I want to straighten the sewing room so I can find things. And move the boxes out of the dining room so that I'm not always tripping over them. And trim back the roses. And till up some land to plant a garden. I know it's too early to do the outside things, but still. . . doesn't it sound like I'm mentally getting ready to nest?

Projects

I'm totally the wrong age. Why do I say that? Because I'm at the age where most of my friends are having kids. Anyway, the whole point of this is to show off what I've been making for upcoming baby showers (and previous ones). Check it out!

These blocks I actually like better than the dresses! I'm totally making some of these when I have kids! I left the nail polish bottle in one picture for you to have size reference. They're five by five inches. Very fun.

I have plans to do one more dress and then maybe I can work on other projects for a while. I'm full of ideas right now.

Pooled Faith

I know they always talk about pooled ignorance, but I have been experiencing something else lately: pooled faith. My faith has waivered a bit lately. It's not that I don't believe in God, because how can I not see Him everywhere when I work with kids every day? It's that my faith has waivered in His answering prayers. I cry and pray to Him, asking Him why I have to go through this; why all my friends seem to be able to get pregnant, but not me; why He is allowing this to go on and on. I don't really expect an answer as to the why, at least not yet. But . . . still. I had a long talk with Him the other night and told Him everything about how I was feeling: about how mad I was at Him and the girls who were getting pregnant, about my jealousies and my anger, about my broken heart and the fact that I have trouble finding hope in my life anymore. I didn't yell at Him -- but I "let Him have it," so to speak. He's strong enough to take my anger. And most of it seems to have gone away after that prayer.
Anyway, what do you do for a weak faith? You read your Bible and spend more time talking with God and surround yourself with friends who share a like faith. The friends are what I'm getting to. I have friends who have babies. I have friends who are pregnant. I have friends who never got to physically have a baby, but adopted. I have friends who were told they would never get pregnant and then had two kids. And I love them all. But the last two have helped me more lately than the first two -- they can empathize with my situation, my frustrations, my hatred of the medicine and required sex days. They can empathize with my broken heart which hurts a little more every month. They can empathize with me not wanting to go to all these baby showers, or even church sometimes. And they encourage me to keep my faith. I look at how much they went through and how strong their faith is now. Maybe that's why God is "letting" this happen to me. Maybe He wants me to have a faith as strong as theirs is. Either way, I'm glad I can borrow some of my friends' faith as I struggle with my own right now.

A Little Bit of Daddy

Every time I think, "It's not fair," I hear my Daddy's voice saying, "Who told you life would be fair?" I know I sound really whiny when I say things like that so I try not to very often, but it does run through my head every now and then. And my Daddy's voice is ever there, echoing all the times he said it to me in the past.

A couple in class this morning announced they're expecting twins in July. I know it's not really right for me to think this way, but I can't help but thinking, "but they already have ONE kid and now you're giving them two more?!?" I don't mind them having more kids. I just can't understand why they can have three, when I haven't even been able to have one yet.

Psalm 27:14. It was in the sermon this morning. It's been underlined in my Bible for a long time. That and Isaiah 40:28-31. Look them up. I'm repeating them over and over in my head and heart.

Just a Little Uplift

George sits on my dresser. He's waiting for a baby, too. I put him there to remind me to not give up.

It dawned on me last night that I will be at least 27 when I have a child. When we first got married, my goal was 25. I don't know why, but it just bothered me.

This week/year (I know it hasn't been that long, but still. . .) has been hard for both of us. I've tried to hold back on being too negative, because I know you guys are probably tired of hearing about all these negative things in my life. It's not all bad, I promise. I do usually laugh at least once a day.

Jeremy sat in the faculty meeting Monday and listened to them talk about the teacher who just had their third child -- and about the principal's wife who has preeclampsia, but is at 30 weeks so could have the baby any day now. And he struggled to keep a straight face and not show how much it was bothering him. Both of us seem to feel it harder this time around because we really thought it might have happened this last time.

Every time I get a period, it's not just the annoying "That time of the month" feeling for me. I basically feel like I'm losing a child. Every time. I'm not trying to break anyone's heart, but that's the way it feels. And my heart is broken right now.

It's gotten to the point where I'm asking God in my prayers what I have to do to meet His requirements for me to have a child. I feel like we're the most stable we've ever been and even have a nursery we could get ready at the drop of a hat. Instead, everyone around me is having a child, including teenagers or unwed movie stars (so they aren't really AROUND me, per se, but I still have to hear about it). It's so frustrating and maddening and confusing.

I've finally picked the Bible back up to read through again. I skipped a couple of years and have been missing it. This is my fifth or sixth time to read it all the way through, and every time, I seem to find something I missed the previous times. Anyway, I've been reading through Genesis. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel all had trouble conceiving. Did you know that? I joked to Jeremy last night that Rebekah hadn't been able to conceive, so Isaac prayed for her and she had twins. I told him not to pray that hard. It was a joke, but it felt good to be able to joke about it.

You're probably wondering why I titled this "uplifting". I was in the car with Amber, my co-worker, on Monday while we shopped for craft supplies for Extended Care. I don't think she'll mind me sharing this. We were talking about me starting and how bummed I was. And she said that she was jealous of me -- she with her three beautiful children. I couldn't believe it so I waited to hear why. She got pregnant at 19, unexpectedly, and had easy pregnancies. She took them for granted and didn't really enjoy them like she wishes she had now. She said that I'm trying so hard and long and wanting it so much that when it does happen, I won't be taking any of it for granted. And she is jealous of it.

No one had ever said that to me. No one had ever pointed out that aspect of it. And it did help to hear it. It doesn't change my desire to keep bursting into tears or the fact that I have to start taking stronger medicine tonight. But it does help to know all of you are praying for me, and that you keep my hope alive. Thank you for that. This sounds weird, but I can't wait for morning sickness and swollen feet and a big, fat belly. And I hope she's right and that I won't take it for granted.

I promised a picture of the necklace Jeremy gave me for Christmas, and I'm afraid my camera isn't very good, so hopefully you can see how lovely it is from this picture below. On really bad days, I make sure I'm wearing it so I can remember how much he loves me, too. Because that's one of the best things in my life. And we'll keep working on the next best thing -- an extension of our love, a soul to cherish and bring up to love God, a child to share jokes and talents and interests with, a heritage.

The Waiting is Over

I'm back to Day One.

Waiting

The hardest part is the end of the cycle. That's when all you can really do is wait. I'm not good at waiting.
Jeremy and I are very different when it comes to this. He maintains his optimism all the way through or at least assures me that if it doesn't happen this time, that just means we get to keep trying. I am at the other end of the spectrum. The first part of the cycle, I keep my hopes up, thinking things like, "this is it -- it's going to happen -- today." The end of the cycle, I tell myself it didn't happen. Somehow, I've convinced myself that if I assume it didn't happen, then it won't be as hard when it comes true. I'm not sure that this is really true -- almost positive it isn't. But that's what I do anyway.
So, here I sit, waiting. I keep telling myself that cycle number four will start any day now and I've even got my "upped" prescription ready and waiting for me from when I had a panic moment over Christmas and thought the cycle was starting early. Sigh. Waiting stinks.

Bittersweet

When you don't see someone for several years at a time, it's hard for you to think of them as any different from how they were the last time you were together. When we walked into Jeremy's grandparents' home and saw Grandpa sitting in his chair, it was a huge shock. We expected to see sly, energetic, fun-loving Grandpa and instead saw someone who was trying to be that, but was more dejected and frustrated. Grandpa had hip-replacement surgery (I think for the third time) about six months ago. He's not recovering as fast as he wants. He's always been up doing something and being confined to a chair or bed is not easy for someone like that. He zips around in his chair and runs over everyone's toes, but he also just sits and hangs his head like he's giving up. This is especially hard on Jeremy. Jeremy is a lot like his dad and that side of the family. A LOT. Seeing his role model in that state . . . it's hard. Here's the part that's hard for me, though. Jeremy has to work through things alone before he can let me in on the process. I'm one of these people who just sit down and talk through everything so that I can come to grips with whatever I'm dealing with. He's the opposite. He has to come to grips with it first. Do you see the problem? I feel left out as he deals with his grandfather's condition. And it's breaking my heart. I can't fix it and I'm a fixer, for sure. I hate it when things are out of my control (yes -- I know that everything is really out of my control and that my life would go a lot smoother if I'd give it to God and let Him be in control, but I'm still working on actually putting that into practice). Anyway, I guess this is my way of talking it through until I can talk it through with him. Please pray for Jeremy and his family as we watch our loved ones continue to grow old.