Thankful

We interrupt this Christmas season which gets longer every year to bring you a little holiday we call Thanksgiving. So, for a few days out of this week, please, drop your shopping bags, turn off the holiday music, forget about untangling the lights, and just spend time with the people you are thankful for.
We're headed to my mom and dad's house Wednesday and I'm practically floating with happiness. I haven't seen them since Spring Break. My sister and brother are there now. I haven't seen them since last Christmas. I'm thankful to get to see them.
I'm thankful for our traditions. I love Thanksgiving. We watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade that morning (one day I'm going to be there in person!). We have a late lunch of turkey and dressing and rolls. And who can't be thankful for pumpkin pie? Then, the annual craft. My mom and I have gotten to where we do some sort of craft -- usually a holiday one -- every Thanksgiving. My sister and any other female relatives usually join in if they are there. It's our own little family traditions.
I'm thankful for my husband who keeps looking at me and saying, "I'll love you anyway," when I say, "What if . . ." I'm thankful for our own home, where we can paint walls and rip up carpet and plant gardens and have room to grow. I'm thankful for a good job where I can help kids see God through my actions and attitudes. I'm thankful for our friends who care so much that they pray for us and ask if we need anything. I'm thankful for our church family, who keep us sane while we're so far away from "home."
Most of all, I'm thankful for God and his love for me. It's been a hard year to remember that. I let the problems of my life (which really aren't that big compared to problems other people have) settle around me like a blanket and I just hold on to them so tightly that it's hard for the good things to get in, too.
This week, I'm going to try and do better to remember how blessed I am. But I don't want to limit it to this week only. This needs to be something I do everyday. I hope I'm inspiring you to do the same.

A Bad Person

I guess I must be a bad person. Round Rock schools has recently removed a book from their shelves. It's the book TTYL. I actually heard the author speak at the book festival several weekends ago and she was talking about how this book was a good one to read WITH your kids to discuss the matters covered in it. Round Rock has not banned the book. They removed it from their shelves because they don't want the younger middle schoolers reading it even thought it might be okay for older ones. They aren't allowed to have shelves for certain ages for some reason. Anyway, the point of all this is to say, I now really, really want to read the book. I want to know why it's taken off the shelf and why people have a problem with it. I want to know why my child should not read this book. I felt the same way about The Golden Compass when everyone was throwing their fit about it. I haven't gotten around to reading it yet, but I probably will. I have to know why.
I have decided to let Jeremy be in charge of taking my temperature and writing it down everyday. I don't want to see it anymore because I'm tired of worrying about it. So, this morning he took it and wrote it down. So far, I haven't peeked. But it's about to kill me to know if my temp spiked yet or not. It supposedly should have spiked last week and still hadn't as of yesterday which means I'm like a week late for ovulating. Sigh. I hate my body.

Last Week

Last week was sort of an up-and-down week. I mean temperatures, emotions, everything. I feel like I have very little control over my emotions right now and poor Jeremy is getting the brunt of it. He had to live with crazy emotions all those years I was on birth control and I think we've both been enjoying the last year and a half when I could actually decide how I was going to feel and feel that way instead of being led one way or another by hormones. I guess it's not a good thing I wasn't having any hormonal stuff over the last year and a half, but I did enjoy having my emotions back in check. I go through days now when I feel like crying but can't, then get really angry and just yell at Jeremy no matter what he says, which makes me feel guilty so I'm back to feeling like crying to laughing my head off at absolutely nothing. I think we're both ready for me to be back in more control.
It doesn't help my life that I try to cram so much into it. Last week, Grandma and Grandpa left Monday, I tried to get some writing done on my nanowrimo (and am just under 21,000 instead of where I need to be), went to the play Friday night, had two Pampered Chef shows Saturday, and then had tried to plan a Ladies' Craft Day for Sunday afternoon which fell through. I feel like I haven't stopped. In the midst of all that, I did this craft (http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/special/feature/famf1103_mgi_salad/) for my K-2 kids everyday which was really cute, but not so easy as they all had to wait their turn.
I know I bring much of this on myself, but what do I do when people look at me and ask if I'm going to have a baby or WHEN I'm going to have a baby. After all, everyone else is. I think I'm doing good, getting my priorities straightened out, knowing that I'm blessed even if God doesn't give me this opportunity. And then, I'm back down on my knees begging Him to let it have happened this time. Satan definitely knows my weaknesses.

This week

Isn't it funny how when you're told you HAVE to do something and WHEN you HAVE to do it, that you don't want to do it, even though it's something you usually enjoy?

To Cassie

This post is completely about my friend, Cassie. She decided that I was too wonderful to have just a normal blog and came up with this, despite my indecisiveness! Isn't it lovely? She's so great. I love her to death and very much miss her now that she has moved to Dallas. She's talented and creative and a great mom to her little Caleb.
So, Cassie, thanks for the new look. You're fabulous!

The Holiday Craze

Grandpa helped me so much. Sometimes, it's just nice to have someone say it's really not as bad as we had been told it was and can wait for later. Of course, with Grandpa here, we went to several stores, including Walmart for various things we needed to fix ceiling fans and tail-lights. Walmart. That wonderful world of retail. Want to know what music you'll hear in there right now? Christmas music. I kid you not. Halloween is over so bring on Christmas! I want to know what happened to Thanksgiving? Not to mention Veterans day! Of course, we'll have our Veterans day sales tomorrow as the only way to celebrate anything is with a sale and no mail, obviously. Do I sound frustrated to you? This culture is turning completely to buying things non-stop and I'm sick of the materialism here. I've been seeing KMart commercials (Heaven only knows why as we have no KMart around here) for layaway for Christmas and I think, that's how we got into the economic mess we're in now. Everyone had to have more than they could afford and they had to have it now. So, bring on the credit cards, adjustable mortgages, layaway plans. Ick. I hate money. Trust me. I use it -- a lot. But I still hate it. And I hate what it does to this country.
And I hate that Walmart is already playing Christmas music. I want my turkey and pumpkin pie!

A little bit of everything. . .

It's been an absolutely crazy week. In case you don't know already, my husband is a politics freak. I love Jeremy. I can't stand politics right now. I was naive in my hopes that after the election, the talk would die down. Silly me. I'm sort of mad at both sides of it right now because even though the man I voted for didn't win, I still know God is going to take care of us through the next four years. Yes. It would have been great to have a president who would install a more conservative judge on the Supreme Court so we could have taken another step towards the illegalization of baby murder (abortion), but we'll survive for now. Obviously, God has other plans and we need to trust Him. So, let's quit fighting about it, accept it, and move on with our lives!
Yesterday was a mess. Mr. Allen, one of the Extended Care Aides, has PTSD and sometimes suffers with it. His psychiatrist has decided that he doesn't need to work EC on the days he also makes burgers for the cafeteria. So, we were without him. We were also without two of our high school aides because of a play and sickness. We had one sub. You do the math. We made it through, though. Then, I went over to be with Jeremy while he did his class sponsor thing at the spaghetti dinner the Juniors were having before the concert. The food and company was good, but I was so tired by the time it was over. We totally have not made it to any of the school concerts this year -- we're such bad teachers!
I'm back on Clomid this week and that brings extra tiredness and some dizziness, too. Doesn't that sound like fun? It makes me want to sleep all the time but I can't.
My grandparents are coming today to stay the weekend with us in our house. Yay! Ever since we bought this house, Grandpa has wanted to come check it out and help us fix a few things on it and now he's coming! The interior decorator in me really wants to paint and peel wallpaper and find the perfect curtains and replace the dingy carpet. The realist knows we need to fix the short in the light socket and do something about the rotting post in our garage. So, for now, realism wins and my Grandpa is coming to help. Hooray for grandparents!

A Reminder

I think God likes to put reminders in our life right when we need them. I've been hearing a lot about the movie, "Facing the Giants" since "Fireproof" came out. It was made by the same people and I'd not seen it before I saw Kirk Cameron's movie. Since KXAN took a break from Time Warner for a while, they supplemented us with Starz Kidz and Family network. I really thought that was way better than KXAN, but oh well. Anyway, I caught a lot of movies I'd been meaning to see while we were in that interim, and one was "Facing the Giants." I DVRed it and watched it yesterday while folding laundry. It is REALLY good. Just what I needed. It's about a small Christian academy in Georgia and their football team as they try to win state championship. And it's about their coach and his struggle to get through his "giants" of fear and doubt and things like that. He has a sort of epiphany and comes to a new "game plan". He tells his team, "If we win, we praise God. And if we lose, we praise God." Wow. One moment in the movie, he asks his wife if she'll still love God if they can't have a child (I'm telling you I really needed this!) and she has to struggle to find out if she will or not. Do you know what that feels like? It's horrible! It's like you feel absolutely horrible. About as tall as a snake. I've gone through that in small bouts in the past year and there are some days I'm so mad at God! But I know deep, deep, deep down inside I'm still going to love God even if we can't have a baby. And I need to take on the game plan of the coach and praise God in the wins . . . and the losses.

Sunday Blues

I've been struggling in worship. I don't really want to be there. I sing the songs, but for the most part don't listen to what I'm saying. I don't pay much attention to the sermon at all. I'd like to blame it all on the fact that our preacher doesn't dig very deep when he preaches and I like more "meat" in my sermons. I'd like to blame on the distractions around me. But I came to the conclusion yesterday that it's my fault. I finally looked at some of the words I'd been singing for years. I listened to what I was saying and realized that I hadn't been meaning it in my life. Instead of thanking God for the blessings He gives me over and over again . . . more than I'll ever need . . . I'm focusing on the one thing I don't have.
I was talking with Jeremy about it last night and told him that. He glanced at me (he was driving and couldn't give me a full look) and said, "Sometimes I wonder if you really need me to be your spiritual leader. You seem to do a good job of it by yourself."
So, I guess I'm going to start trying to take care of the problem. I know I have it and that's the next step, right? I need to thank God for my blessings. I have plenty. And I need to give the rest to Him. That's the hardest part for me. The very hardest. I'm not good at letting go and letting God.
***
I was a hostess at a baby shower yesterday and sat next to the happy couple to write down their gifts for them. We all oohed and ahhed over the cute little clothes and toys. And I was asked again if Jeremy and I were thinking of having kids. That's a hard question for me. If I say "yes" they want details. If I say "no" I lie. I think I just gave them a crooked smile.
Someone else noticed my "blues." She sent me an email today saying she had noticed I seemed to be in a sad place and wondered if it was about wanting a baby. Do I need to try harder to look happy? Or just go ahead and admit to the rest of the world the struggles we're going through right now? I'm obviously not hiding my emotions very well lately.
I'm not trying to make anyone sad with my posts. I'm sort of just thinking out loud.

Nanowrimo Begins

It's Nanowrimo. National Novel Writing Month. Check out details at http://www.nanowrimo.org/. This is probably the third or fourth time I'm trying it and we'll see how far I get this year. I did get a "complete" story the last time I did it, although it wasn't quite to 50,000 words. Just over 40, actually. And I've since rewritten about half of it and am still working on finishing that rewrite as well as finishing fleshing it out. I'm hoping to get farther this time. Here's an excerpt from the story of the year.

Maybe it had been the romance of the moment or the starry sky or the fact that it was prom night, but when he dropped her off that night, she had lingered before going inside, enjoying the warm night and the boy leaning on the car next to her. And when he had asked her what she would be doing in ten years—if she would remember this night—she had just shrugged. Then, on a whim, she had suggested something: if they were both unmarried at their ten year high school reunion, they would marry each other. It was something right out of the movies. She had thought twenty-eight would make her an old maid and couldn’t imagine not being married by then. Yet, here she was, 28 today and still single. Was he still single, too? He had agreed those many years ago to her spontaneous plan and had even sealed it with the gentlest of kisses on her cheek.

As of today, I'm at 1,585 words and counting. Encourage me!