I turned 31 around 3:25 this afternoon. I woke up in a terrible funk over it. I don't know why 31 sounded so much worse than 30 did. Although I should probably go back and see how horrible I thought 30 was going to be. And it wasn't all horrible.
I didn't get the two main birthday presents I wanted: to be pregnant and get published. But maybe we're a few steps closer to both.
We started year seven of trying to get pregnant, and round 3 of combo-cycle IUI. Those are both lucky numbers, right?
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
How I'm Doing
I've had several people ask how I am doing lately. I have been meaning to post on here several times over the last few weeks, but just didn't sit down and do it. So, this post may be a little bit of a conglomeration of different things I've been thinking about over the last few weeks. You've been warned.
For those of you who have never been to a fertility clinic, let me try to describe what it feels like to sit in the waiting room. It is quiet, with just a few whispered conversations between couples. There is a mix of hope, despair, last resorts, trepidation, nervousness. You try not to meet anyone's eyes, even though you are going through something similar. There's just something about not wanting people to know you have to go to such a place to accomplish something that is supposed to come naturally. You flip through a magazine you really don't care anything about just so you can be distracted about whatever is about to happen behind the doors. It's not fun.
We're back to waiting again, and the closer we get to knowing whether it worked or not, the more I almost don't want to know. If I don't know for sure, I can hold on to the hope that this was the time. This was the one that stuck. I have a job that allows me way too much time to think, and the last few days of work I've caught myself playing different scenarios in my head. Some of them end with me finding out I'm pregnant. And some don't . . . and I almost cry, even though it's just my imagination at this point. I think of everything we've been through, the waiting every month is really the hardest part. It's a lot like sitting in that waiting room, with all the emotions flowing through you.
The farther into this we get, the more I just tell people what we're going through. It's amazing how much I used to be embarrassed to talk about certain things and now I'm spouting details most people probably didn't want to know in the first place. I have to catch myself and stop before I give too many details. It's amazing how much you change when going through things like this . . . become someone you never imagined you would be, but maybe is better than what you were aiming for in the first place. I'd like to think so anyway.
My faith has really struggled with this cycle. Something I thought I had gotten past. I've really been fighting with being able to trust God with this. How sad is that? He is in charge of everything and I can't even trust Him to bless me with something so "simple." I'm having trouble letting go and giving it to Him. I pray about it, but then I still sit and worry about it some more. And yes, I know, worrying isn't good for someone trying to get pregnant. Yeah. That helps a lot.
Anyway, that's a little bit of how I am right now. I'm a mess. But I'm fighting to not be quite so much of a mess.
For those of you who have never been to a fertility clinic, let me try to describe what it feels like to sit in the waiting room. It is quiet, with just a few whispered conversations between couples. There is a mix of hope, despair, last resorts, trepidation, nervousness. You try not to meet anyone's eyes, even though you are going through something similar. There's just something about not wanting people to know you have to go to such a place to accomplish something that is supposed to come naturally. You flip through a magazine you really don't care anything about just so you can be distracted about whatever is about to happen behind the doors. It's not fun.
We're back to waiting again, and the closer we get to knowing whether it worked or not, the more I almost don't want to know. If I don't know for sure, I can hold on to the hope that this was the time. This was the one that stuck. I have a job that allows me way too much time to think, and the last few days of work I've caught myself playing different scenarios in my head. Some of them end with me finding out I'm pregnant. And some don't . . . and I almost cry, even though it's just my imagination at this point. I think of everything we've been through, the waiting every month is really the hardest part. It's a lot like sitting in that waiting room, with all the emotions flowing through you.
The farther into this we get, the more I just tell people what we're going through. It's amazing how much I used to be embarrassed to talk about certain things and now I'm spouting details most people probably didn't want to know in the first place. I have to catch myself and stop before I give too many details. It's amazing how much you change when going through things like this . . . become someone you never imagined you would be, but maybe is better than what you were aiming for in the first place. I'd like to think so anyway.
My faith has really struggled with this cycle. Something I thought I had gotten past. I've really been fighting with being able to trust God with this. How sad is that? He is in charge of everything and I can't even trust Him to bless me with something so "simple." I'm having trouble letting go and giving it to Him. I pray about it, but then I still sit and worry about it some more. And yes, I know, worrying isn't good for someone trying to get pregnant. Yeah. That helps a lot.
Anyway, that's a little bit of how I am right now. I'm a mess. But I'm fighting to not be quite so much of a mess.
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