This weekend was ladies' retreat. Beth Brown from Katy, TX spoke for us on "Journey to Joy." I needed to hear everything she said, even though some of it hurt to admit. I am using this blog post (my 50th one, I noticed) to confess my sins and ask for forgiveness from the few of you who still read this.
I have put my focus on the wrong thing lately. Even though having a baby is a great thing, and I still want one, that's not where the main focus of my life needs to be. I was saying something about hoping God would come soon and Jeremy mentioned that if He did, I would never get to have a child. And I actually caught myself wishing He'd put it off until after that. That's not the way my life needs to be. I can touch other lives without having a child -- maybe even better. I just know that having my focus so much on having a baby and getting pregnant and going through all that I don't have, I have forgotten how wonderful my life really is, how blessed I am. I've forgotten that joy is a choice and I have to choose to look for joy. Beth said, "We're not going to get there faster than God takes us." Even though it feels like God is taking a REALLY long time, I know that if He gives me a child, it will be at the perfec time.
I have never had my faith tested like this before. My life, even though I thought it was horrible at times, has been wonderful. My parents are still together, I have wonderful siblings, I'm talented (maybe too much so), I'm healthy, have a great husband who has put up with me through all of this . . . I'm blessed way more than I deserve. When you focus only on what you don't have, you forget all the good things. I think my friend Whitney was hinting at that to me the other day (although I could just think that was directed at me because I still consider the world to revolve around me sometimes). Anyway, this is a really big struggle for me. My faith has waivered and I'm not proud of that. Even though I believed in God, I couldn't believe He would actually answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to. I'm still growing. The kids at school were singing "He's still working on me" the other day and I think that fits not only kids' lives, but ours as well.
So, I'm singing "I Need Thee Every Hour," "Be With Me, Lord," "Lord, Be There For Me," etc. I'm changing the way I pray, too. For years and years, I've always started my prayers asking God to forgive me of my sins. I think I figured that if He didn't forgive me first, He wouldn't hear the rest of my prayer, either. Now, I'm moving my "thank you" section to the first. I need to move it to the front so I can pay more attention to it. Because when you recognize how much God has given you, it's hard to ask for lots and lots more.
I'm not saying this is going to automatically get easier just because I've realized this. I'm not saying I'm going to change overnight. But I am going to try. Pray for this. It still hurts to see others with their newborns, but I'm working through it and thinking about other things that ARE happy in my life. Like my inch-high green bean plants and the cooler weather this week and my fun bunny craft this week and and and . . . . I hope I can share more good news with you soon. Because this blog has been way too depressing lately. God has blessed me with friends who pray for me daily and I appreciate each and every one of you more than you will ever know.
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