Little Things

So, I've been to a couple of baby showers lately and gotten the "question": "When are you going to have kids?"
Silence ensues while I think about how to put it nicely.
"When God wants me to," has become one of my favorite answers. This usually brings about a laugh from the questioner.
"No, seriously. It's not up to me," I state. That usually clues them in to the fact that there is more going on than just me not wanting to say when we'll start trying. This is good, considering we've been "trying" for almost three years now.
I take a deep breath later that night and talk to God some more. He knows what I want. He knows how much it hurts sometimes.
Although I have to admit that my secret struggle with infertility is becoming less and less of a secret. I've given up hiding it from everyone. Why not let them share my troubles? An extra prayer never hurts.

My sister got married last summer and I am so excited for her because I know she's happy. She and I talk fairly regularly despite the three state difference (isn't it a three-state difference from Alabama to Texas?). Lately, she keeps mentioning babies. I finally asked her if she was thinking about starting to try.
NO!
She's not ready. Secretly (although I guess it's not much of a secret now that it's on the internet for all to see) I still hope I can have a child first. Guess it's oldest child sydrome or something.
I'm also the oldest grandchild on my dad's side and I keep waiting to hear if my cousin will beat me to this or not. Is that a weird way to look at life? I know it's not a race, not really. But there's just something special about giving your grandparents their first great-grandchild. And it's way too late for me to be able to do that on my mom's side of the family. At least I'm not the oldest grandchild there --- fifth oldest to be exact.

Something I've realized lately that I wish I had realized sooner is this -- we haven't taken advantage of these years where it was still just the two of us. We have been so caught up in trying to have a baby that our time of just us has sort of fallen into the background.
We don't have to get up early or go to bed early or pack a diaper bag for everywhere we go. We can sit in church and pay attention without having to shush someone. We don't have to buy diapers or change diapers or do anything with diapers. And if we want to eat dinner with no vegetables in front of the TV at eight o'clock at night, we can. (We don't do that very often, but it's possible).
I'm hoping I can focus more on just enjoying each day as it comes along instead of focusing so much on what I want to happen in the future that the present isn't enjoyed at all. This won't be easy, but it's my goal. And God will help me because it's His goal for my life, too. Remember Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."