Announcement

I haven't been allowed to say anything since Christmas because they wanted to keep it a secret for a while, but my sister is pregnant. She's due August 20th. They've been married for less years than Jeremy and I have been trying to get pregnant. I knew before-hand that they were talking about starting to try sometime in the near future. But I had no idea that they had actually started trying until our family get-together at Christmas when she hands both me and my brother a card we have to open at the same time. It was her, standing in front of a sign in London, that says something about seats being reserved for disabled or pregnant people. It was a huge shock. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a minute. Somewhere, way deep down around my toenails, I was really happy for her. Unfortunately, that feeling didn't make it to my face. I didn't give her the reaction I wanted to be able to give her. I didn't cry . . . much . . . right then. But it was about the same time that I was having to take my clomid so I was already frustrated with everything and all I could think about was that it was supposed to be me. I'm the older sister. I've been married longer. I've been TTC longer. Why couldn't it be me, too? It would have been so much fun to be pregnant at the same time as my sister.
Jeremy didn't pick up on what was going on right away so it didn't hit him as quickly. And then I think he was trying to be strong for me, but not sure what to do. My sister-in-law didn't realize the whole struggle Jeremy and I have been through so she was gushing and asking questions. We were at my brother's townhouse and I had nowhere to go. I had to sit there and hold it in.
Jeremy and I cried for ourselves that night, trying to figure out exactly what we were thinking and feeling. We drove home the next day and so had lots of time to hash it out as we made the journey west from TN to TX. Somewhere around the middle of Arkansas, I started to come to grips with it. I do like the name Aunt Amy. And I have all sorts of cute ideas of things I can make for this niece or nephew. I'm just sad for myself.
I called my sister several days later and apologized for not giving her the reaction I wanted to be able to give her. I wanted to jump up and hug her neck and squeal with joy and gush like my sister-in-law did, but I physically couldn't. I told her a lot of the things I was feeling and going through. She had been a little worried about how I would take it and had even asked Mom and Dad how she should tell me. They reassured her that I would be happy for her, but would also be sad.
Most days I'm doing okay with the thought of it. But I still have down days. And with her making the public announcement on facebook yesterday, today was sort of hard. It doesn't help that I'm exhausted because I work all the time and don't stop to rest . . . and was up early this morning. And I'm hormonal . . . because I'm hormonal all the time!
My bittersweet announcement. Wasn't what you were expecting, was it? Me, either.