Monday, April 1, 2013

It's Been a While

In case you're wondering, yes I'm still alive. Yes, I'm still not pregnant. It seems like it's taken over my thoughts more and more lately, even though I'm staying busy doing other things as well. I made myself a new dress for Easter . . . and then embroidered it . . . because I could. I've been commissioned to make a baseball baby quilt from my etsy shop so I'm busy starting to applique and embroider that. I'm helping host two wedding showers for girls at church and making baby things for the million and two people it seems like have wound up pregnant lately. Think they'd sell me some of their water?
By the way, my sister is having a girl so now I have to decide how many cute little things I can make for her before it's called spoiling. My sister is having a rough time of it, still dealing with morning sickness. But I know she wouldn't change it for the world. I would deal with it happily if it meant I was pregnant.
I'm on my fifth cycle. The doctor said six before we get sent to a reproductive endocrinologist. Meanwhile, my Grandma has had a dream about me that I'll have twin girls. Yeah. Not really wanting to think about that either.
This post is sort of meandering, but I really just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know I'm still muddling through. I'm taking Pregnitude along with doing the Clomid and I don't know if it's doing any good or not. It can't hurt, though.
I noticed that my prayers changed toward the middle of the last cycle. I had been praying -- let's change that to begging and pleading -- for God to let me have a baby. It seemed for a while like that's all my prayers were. Then, as I got more toward the middle of the cycle, I noticed I was praying more like this: please let me not be jealous of the girls who are pregnant and bless them with healthy safe pregnancies, please give me your strength and peace no matter what comes, and please help my unbelief.
I'm not saying I'm super-Christian now. Far from it. I'm still struggling with jealousy and doubt and I still beg God for what I want. But maybe I'm one step closer to where I want to be in my walk with God.

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