Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Update
I have an appointment on Friday to have another ultrasound -- just to see if the medicine is for sure working or not. I think it is just from my charts and the way I feel. Then, the doctor wants to talk to me about IUI -- the next step she thinks we should take. Jeremy is leaving work early to come with me to this appointment. I'm trying not to think about it. Just wanted to let anyone who still reads this know.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Lots of Stuff
So, I really haven't had a lot of time to post things on here since Ladies' Retreat and my revelation. So much has happened.
My sister got engaged and has been on the phone with me several times a week to talk wedding plans. She's getting married June 27th. I'm very excited for her.
We went to LTC last weekend and it was great. I love watching kids succeed at things they've worked so hard for over the last few months. I pretty much had to sit on my hands to keep from signing to my signing kids when they messed up, but they made it through and two got gold and two got silver. Not too bad.
We got back and made it through the first day of school this week. Then, I got sick with what my coworkers had brought to school with them. Started out with a runny nose and stuffy head and sore throat. Moved on to a hugely stuffy head and barely able to lift it off the pillow. Moved on my chest so I've been coughing for two days. Doesn't this sound like fun? The good news is that I'm usually in the final stages of my sickness when it moves to the chest. And I guess it's good for my abs.
The first of the week wasn't great, despite the lack of sickness. I started a new cycle. Jeremy took it harder than I did, but we both suffered a bit. Sunday was hard for me, all the babies dressed up in their Easter finery. And it does seem like there are a lot of babies at church all of a sudden. I made it through and then had to deal with waiting for Jeremy while he dealt with it. He's one of these people who doesn't talk when they're sorting things out in their head so I never know exactly what he's thinking until he's gotten it all arranged and in an order that makes sense to him. That's hard on me because I'm the complete opposite usually. So, I really feel left out as he sorts through things, but it doesn't help for me to bug him about it because he'll tell me when he's ready. It's just hard for me to wait.
Every now and then I dream about being pregnant and it's so real that when I wake up I actually look for a baby bump. And then have to get over it the rest of the day. I have a call in to my doctor right now to see if she wants me to come in for another ultrasound next week. We'll see. I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I need to find other things to focus on. Here I come, cast-aside-all-week projects!
My sister got engaged and has been on the phone with me several times a week to talk wedding plans. She's getting married June 27th. I'm very excited for her.
We went to LTC last weekend and it was great. I love watching kids succeed at things they've worked so hard for over the last few months. I pretty much had to sit on my hands to keep from signing to my signing kids when they messed up, but they made it through and two got gold and two got silver. Not too bad.
We got back and made it through the first day of school this week. Then, I got sick with what my coworkers had brought to school with them. Started out with a runny nose and stuffy head and sore throat. Moved on to a hugely stuffy head and barely able to lift it off the pillow. Moved on my chest so I've been coughing for two days. Doesn't this sound like fun? The good news is that I'm usually in the final stages of my sickness when it moves to the chest. And I guess it's good for my abs.
The first of the week wasn't great, despite the lack of sickness. I started a new cycle. Jeremy took it harder than I did, but we both suffered a bit. Sunday was hard for me, all the babies dressed up in their Easter finery. And it does seem like there are a lot of babies at church all of a sudden. I made it through and then had to deal with waiting for Jeremy while he dealt with it. He's one of these people who doesn't talk when they're sorting things out in their head so I never know exactly what he's thinking until he's gotten it all arranged and in an order that makes sense to him. That's hard on me because I'm the complete opposite usually. So, I really feel left out as he sorts through things, but it doesn't help for me to bug him about it because he'll tell me when he's ready. It's just hard for me to wait.
Every now and then I dream about being pregnant and it's so real that when I wake up I actually look for a baby bump. And then have to get over it the rest of the day. I have a call in to my doctor right now to see if she wants me to come in for another ultrasound next week. We'll see. I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I need to find other things to focus on. Here I come, cast-aside-all-week projects!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Hooray!
My little sister is getting married this summer. I totally wish I lived closer to her. At least I get to be a bridesmaid (matron?). And I'm super-excited to get a new brother-in-law.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A Change of Heart
This weekend was ladies' retreat. Beth Brown from Katy, TX spoke for us on "Journey to Joy." I needed to hear everything she said, even though some of it hurt to admit. I am using this blog post (my 50th one, I noticed) to confess my sins and ask for forgiveness from the few of you who still read this.
I have put my focus on the wrong thing lately. Even though having a baby is a great thing, and I still want one, that's not where the main focus of my life needs to be. I was saying something about hoping God would come soon and Jeremy mentioned that if He did, I would never get to have a child. And I actually caught myself wishing He'd put it off until after that. That's not the way my life needs to be. I can touch other lives without having a child -- maybe even better. I just know that having my focus so much on having a baby and getting pregnant and going through all that I don't have, I have forgotten how wonderful my life really is, how blessed I am. I've forgotten that joy is a choice and I have to choose to look for joy. Beth said, "We're not going to get there faster than God takes us." Even though it feels like God is taking a REALLY long time, I know that if He gives me a child, it will be at the perfec time.
I have never had my faith tested like this before. My life, even though I thought it was horrible at times, has been wonderful. My parents are still together, I have wonderful siblings, I'm talented (maybe too much so), I'm healthy, have a great husband who has put up with me through all of this . . . I'm blessed way more than I deserve. When you focus only on what you don't have, you forget all the good things. I think my friend Whitney was hinting at that to me the other day (although I could just think that was directed at me because I still consider the world to revolve around me sometimes). Anyway, this is a really big struggle for me. My faith has waivered and I'm not proud of that. Even though I believed in God, I couldn't believe He would actually answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to. I'm still growing. The kids at school were singing "He's still working on me" the other day and I think that fits not only kids' lives, but ours as well.
So, I'm singing "I Need Thee Every Hour," "Be With Me, Lord," "Lord, Be There For Me," etc. I'm changing the way I pray, too. For years and years, I've always started my prayers asking God to forgive me of my sins. I think I figured that if He didn't forgive me first, He wouldn't hear the rest of my prayer, either. Now, I'm moving my "thank you" section to the first. I need to move it to the front so I can pay more attention to it. Because when you recognize how much God has given you, it's hard to ask for lots and lots more.
I'm not saying this is going to automatically get easier just because I've realized this. I'm not saying I'm going to change overnight. But I am going to try. Pray for this. It still hurts to see others with their newborns, but I'm working through it and thinking about other things that ARE happy in my life. Like my inch-high green bean plants and the cooler weather this week and my fun bunny craft this week and and and . . . . I hope I can share more good news with you soon. Because this blog has been way too depressing lately. God has blessed me with friends who pray for me daily and I appreciate each and every one of you more than you will ever know.
I have put my focus on the wrong thing lately. Even though having a baby is a great thing, and I still want one, that's not where the main focus of my life needs to be. I was saying something about hoping God would come soon and Jeremy mentioned that if He did, I would never get to have a child. And I actually caught myself wishing He'd put it off until after that. That's not the way my life needs to be. I can touch other lives without having a child -- maybe even better. I just know that having my focus so much on having a baby and getting pregnant and going through all that I don't have, I have forgotten how wonderful my life really is, how blessed I am. I've forgotten that joy is a choice and I have to choose to look for joy. Beth said, "We're not going to get there faster than God takes us." Even though it feels like God is taking a REALLY long time, I know that if He gives me a child, it will be at the perfec time.
I have never had my faith tested like this before. My life, even though I thought it was horrible at times, has been wonderful. My parents are still together, I have wonderful siblings, I'm talented (maybe too much so), I'm healthy, have a great husband who has put up with me through all of this . . . I'm blessed way more than I deserve. When you focus only on what you don't have, you forget all the good things. I think my friend Whitney was hinting at that to me the other day (although I could just think that was directed at me because I still consider the world to revolve around me sometimes). Anyway, this is a really big struggle for me. My faith has waivered and I'm not proud of that. Even though I believed in God, I couldn't believe He would actually answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to. I'm still growing. The kids at school were singing "He's still working on me" the other day and I think that fits not only kids' lives, but ours as well.
So, I'm singing "I Need Thee Every Hour," "Be With Me, Lord," "Lord, Be There For Me," etc. I'm changing the way I pray, too. For years and years, I've always started my prayers asking God to forgive me of my sins. I think I figured that if He didn't forgive me first, He wouldn't hear the rest of my prayer, either. Now, I'm moving my "thank you" section to the first. I need to move it to the front so I can pay more attention to it. Because when you recognize how much God has given you, it's hard to ask for lots and lots more.
I'm not saying this is going to automatically get easier just because I've realized this. I'm not saying I'm going to change overnight. But I am going to try. Pray for this. It still hurts to see others with their newborns, but I'm working through it and thinking about other things that ARE happy in my life. Like my inch-high green bean plants and the cooler weather this week and my fun bunny craft this week and and and . . . . I hope I can share more good news with you soon. Because this blog has been way too depressing lately. God has blessed me with friends who pray for me daily and I appreciate each and every one of you more than you will ever know.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Most
This has to be the most depressing blog ever. I am so tired of being depressed and being depressing. I therefore vow to at least try to post one happy thing a day. Today, it is new plants in my garden. Yay. My squash is several inches long. My green beans and black-eyed peas are peeking up through the clover taking over the garden. And my tomatoes actually have a little flower on them although I'm not expecting tomatoes from them anytime soon since they're still only several inches high. But still . . . isn't that a little less depressing?
Green bean
black-eyed peas
same as above
squash
tomatoes
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