So, I've been to a couple of baby showers lately and gotten the "question": "When are you going to have kids?"
Silence ensues while I think about how to put it nicely.
"When God wants me to," has become one of my favorite answers. This usually brings about a laugh from the questioner.
"No, seriously. It's not up to me," I state. That usually clues them in to the fact that there is more going on than just me not wanting to say when we'll start trying. This is good, considering we've been "trying" for almost three years now.
I take a deep breath later that night and talk to God some more. He knows what I want. He knows how much it hurts sometimes.
Although I have to admit that my secret struggle with infertility is becoming less and less of a secret. I've given up hiding it from everyone. Why not let them share my troubles? An extra prayer never hurts.
My sister got married last summer and I am so excited for her because I know she's happy. She and I talk fairly regularly despite the three state difference (isn't it a three-state difference from Alabama to Texas?). Lately, she keeps mentioning babies. I finally asked her if she was thinking about starting to try.
NO!
She's not ready. Secretly (although I guess it's not much of a secret now that it's on the internet for all to see) I still hope I can have a child first. Guess it's oldest child sydrome or something.
I'm also the oldest grandchild on my dad's side and I keep waiting to hear if my cousin will beat me to this or not. Is that a weird way to look at life? I know it's not a race, not really. But there's just something special about giving your grandparents their first great-grandchild. And it's way too late for me to be able to do that on my mom's side of the family. At least I'm not the oldest grandchild there --- fifth oldest to be exact.
Something I've realized lately that I wish I had realized sooner is this -- we haven't taken advantage of these years where it was still just the two of us. We have been so caught up in trying to have a baby that our time of just us has sort of fallen into the background.
We don't have to get up early or go to bed early or pack a diaper bag for everywhere we go. We can sit in church and pay attention without having to shush someone. We don't have to buy diapers or change diapers or do anything with diapers. And if we want to eat dinner with no vegetables in front of the TV at eight o'clock at night, we can. (We don't do that very often, but it's possible).
I'm hoping I can focus more on just enjoying each day as it comes along instead of focusing so much on what I want to happen in the future that the present isn't enjoyed at all. This won't be easy, but it's my goal. And God will help me because it's His goal for my life, too. Remember Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sort of a New Beginning
So, I've sadly neglected my blog for about a year now. I guess life just got so discouraging that I didn't even want to think about sharing it with everyone.
However, I've come to the conclusion that I want to blog again . . . and even publicly. Most everyone has found out that I'm . . . well, not really infertile, but not really fertile, either. Let me catch you up on the last year, short version.
At the end of last school year, my husband found out that the economy was forcing the school to let some teachers go . . . and he was one of them. So, that was a major blow to us. We found that out the same day my OBGYN told me our next step was to see fertility specialists. Needless to say, it's been a crazy year. Jeremy did not find another teaching job (you don't have to be certified to teach at a Christian school, but you do at others) so he ended up working for a local electronic store down here. Needless to say, he's learned a lot about TVs that I'm not sure I wanted him to know. It's not paid as well, and the hours have been crazy, but God blessed us with the job and we've somehow had enought to make it.
Our church family has been a huge blessing to us and I cannot say that enough. There's no way we could have made it through the last year without them. We had to get a second car for the first time in three years with Jeremy's new job, so we found a used 2001 Jeep Liberty. It was a compromise as Jeremy wanted a truck. We thought we had a found a good thing but it died right before Christmas break. We had to replace the whole engine. After donations from lots of people, we found a way to pay for it and got it back shortly after Christmas break. Good thing I didn't work those two and a half weeks!
While in the past, my posts (and I'll leave them as they are because that's how I really did feel) have not been the most cheering or heartening, if you will. I want to change that. I, myself, have changed this last year. I've grown stronger, more patient, more trusting towards God. My faith is back and stronger where it had been waivering for sure for a while. I can see now that if we had had a child, or been pregnant, this last year would have been much harder than it has been. It's still hard to not have that child. We're coming up on three years of "trying" to get pregnant and I keep thinking, if it had happened as we planned, we'd have a two-year-old now, and maybe another on the way. A lot of my friends do. But I can honestly say I feel like I'm in a good place right now. I've been able to go to baby showers and be okay, even answering the question, "When are you going to have babies?" That, in itself, is a huge improvement from a year ago.
So, here's my blog starting again, hopefully with a brighter outlook.
My husband is working on his certification right now, and has started applying for teaching jobs for this fall. He's also planning to work and finish up his masters (YAY!). I have a summer job lined up and have it already scheduled for us to go see his family in July, something we haven't gotten to do since last June. This school year is almost over and we have survived. God is helping us through and we can make it, no matter what comes. That's hard to believe, but it's true.
I hope this blog shows that that fact is started to be embedded deep in my heart. Because I want it to radiate from me in every way. God is good -- ALL THE TIME.
However, I've come to the conclusion that I want to blog again . . . and even publicly. Most everyone has found out that I'm . . . well, not really infertile, but not really fertile, either. Let me catch you up on the last year, short version.
At the end of last school year, my husband found out that the economy was forcing the school to let some teachers go . . . and he was one of them. So, that was a major blow to us. We found that out the same day my OBGYN told me our next step was to see fertility specialists. Needless to say, it's been a crazy year. Jeremy did not find another teaching job (you don't have to be certified to teach at a Christian school, but you do at others) so he ended up working for a local electronic store down here. Needless to say, he's learned a lot about TVs that I'm not sure I wanted him to know. It's not paid as well, and the hours have been crazy, but God blessed us with the job and we've somehow had enought to make it.
Our church family has been a huge blessing to us and I cannot say that enough. There's no way we could have made it through the last year without them. We had to get a second car for the first time in three years with Jeremy's new job, so we found a used 2001 Jeep Liberty. It was a compromise as Jeremy wanted a truck. We thought we had a found a good thing but it died right before Christmas break. We had to replace the whole engine. After donations from lots of people, we found a way to pay for it and got it back shortly after Christmas break. Good thing I didn't work those two and a half weeks!
While in the past, my posts (and I'll leave them as they are because that's how I really did feel) have not been the most cheering or heartening, if you will. I want to change that. I, myself, have changed this last year. I've grown stronger, more patient, more trusting towards God. My faith is back and stronger where it had been waivering for sure for a while. I can see now that if we had had a child, or been pregnant, this last year would have been much harder than it has been. It's still hard to not have that child. We're coming up on three years of "trying" to get pregnant and I keep thinking, if it had happened as we planned, we'd have a two-year-old now, and maybe another on the way. A lot of my friends do. But I can honestly say I feel like I'm in a good place right now. I've been able to go to baby showers and be okay, even answering the question, "When are you going to have babies?" That, in itself, is a huge improvement from a year ago.
So, here's my blog starting again, hopefully with a brighter outlook.
My husband is working on his certification right now, and has started applying for teaching jobs for this fall. He's also planning to work and finish up his masters (YAY!). I have a summer job lined up and have it already scheduled for us to go see his family in July, something we haven't gotten to do since last June. This school year is almost over and we have survived. God is helping us through and we can make it, no matter what comes. That's hard to believe, but it's true.
I hope this blog shows that that fact is started to be embedded deep in my heart. Because I want it to radiate from me in every way. God is good -- ALL THE TIME.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)