Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Would You?
I was watching "Facing the Giants" again the other day. I just couldn't help myself. I saw it on tv and thought, I need to watch it again and remind myself. And I sat there with tears running down my face as he asked his wife, "If God never gave us a child, would you still love Him?" She doesn't answer at that moment. I can understand why. It's so hard to accept that it's a possibility, that we might not have kids. At least not physically. And I love to think I'd love a child born by another woman as much as one born by me after I adopted him/her, but I still feel like I'd be missing something. If it comes down to it, and we find out we can't have kids physically, will I still love God? I want to say yes, but there's this little part of me that rebels and yells, "NO!" If you were in my situation, would it be easy for you to say "yes"? Oh for a faith that lets me shout, "YES" to the ends of the earth and the heights of the sky with no hesitation and no doubt!
Waiting Again Still
My husband and I don't always find much time to talk, but when we do, I seem to always learn something new about him. You'd think after dating/being married for eleven years now that I'd know just about all there is to know about this wonderful man. Ha! Of course, I guess we've both been growing a lot over the last few years and therefore have new things to learn about each other . . .
Anyway, we were talking yesterday about how we're waiting to hear back from a school Jeremy has contacted. We've both agreed that while this school is okay, it doesn't pay enough for us to be able to do what we want to do (fertility treatments and/or adoption). So, he's been keeping his ears to the ground for something better. One of the schools he's worked at before has a history position coming open, we heard, so he's emailed the proper person and now we wait. Waiting seems to be the whole of our lives.
He mentioned that he's trying to convince himself that if he doesn't get that job, he'll be okay. Even if we stay here at this school another year, we'll be okay. He pointed out that he had sort of put all his hopes and dreams on getting a teaching job ANYWHERE last year that this year was doomed to be a let-down in many ways because his expectations were so high to begin with. I think that's what I'm feeling, too. And while this has been a good year in many ways (I now know several jobs I don't want to have and he will be certified to teach and have finished his masters), we were also disappointed with how things just didn't seem to work out quite like we had thought they would.
So, we're trying to convince ourselves that it's not the end of the world to stay here another year. And we're waiting to hear back from a school . . . again.
Anyway, we were talking yesterday about how we're waiting to hear back from a school Jeremy has contacted. We've both agreed that while this school is okay, it doesn't pay enough for us to be able to do what we want to do (fertility treatments and/or adoption). So, he's been keeping his ears to the ground for something better. One of the schools he's worked at before has a history position coming open, we heard, so he's emailed the proper person and now we wait. Waiting seems to be the whole of our lives.
He mentioned that he's trying to convince himself that if he doesn't get that job, he'll be okay. Even if we stay here at this school another year, we'll be okay. He pointed out that he had sort of put all his hopes and dreams on getting a teaching job ANYWHERE last year that this year was doomed to be a let-down in many ways because his expectations were so high to begin with. I think that's what I'm feeling, too. And while this has been a good year in many ways (I now know several jobs I don't want to have and he will be certified to teach and have finished his masters), we were also disappointed with how things just didn't seem to work out quite like we had thought they would.
So, we're trying to convince ourselves that it's not the end of the world to stay here another year. And we're waiting to hear back from a school . . . again.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
A Tough Week
So, this last week didn't start out so bad. I started it with a job interview on Monday afternoon for an assistant director position for a daycare. I thought the interview went really well, I liked the girl I'd be working with, the hours were perfect. She said she'd talk to the owner and get back with me with a time to meet the owner. I waited all week and still haven't heard from her again.
I seriously thought I had finally found a "perfect" job for me. I don't know if I was wrong or if the timing was just off, but I'm frustrated that I haven't at least heard back from her. And I realize I still could, but my pessimism is kicking in full-time, I guess.
Jeremy is growing unhappy with the school he works at. He loves the kids. He loves teaching. He just is frustrated by some of the things the board of directors are doing, including letting some of the students take over the planning of chapel and letting those students bring in instruments for the worship part.
I'm also struggling with money stuff. We're paying taxes this week and paid H&R Block last week. That means most of our "extra" money for this month that I could have used for a million other things is going to the taxes. I have known my car has a problem for like four or five months now and we still haven't fixed it. My computer is dying. I'd LOVE to pay off some of this stupid debt! I'm so sick and tired of worrying about all the credit cards we've gotten ourselves into. And it just seems neither of us has a way to control our spending even when we know we don't have much money in the bank. Every time I go to the store, I pick up at least one thing not on my list. I'm so bad when it comes to things like that. Sigh.
All of this has grown in my discontent to make this week just seem really bad. I know there are lots of great things in my life. Jeremy is almost finished with his graduate degree and his certification program. He's had a teaching job this year which has made him a lot happier even when he's not as happy as I'd like him to be. He's still much happier than last year and the year before. We have a great church family who don't want us to ever leave because they want to use us up for God, which is what I had prayed for when we were moving up here. We have great families who we keep up with on fairly regular basis and who loves us so much. And my husband loves me even when we don't always have as much time for each other lately as I'd like for us to.
I just have this bad habit of letting the bad stuff come to the front of my brain instead of the good stuff.
Also, please pray for my friend Alyson. She lost her baby this week and my heart is broken over that, too.
I seriously thought I had finally found a "perfect" job for me. I don't know if I was wrong or if the timing was just off, but I'm frustrated that I haven't at least heard back from her. And I realize I still could, but my pessimism is kicking in full-time, I guess.
Jeremy is growing unhappy with the school he works at. He loves the kids. He loves teaching. He just is frustrated by some of the things the board of directors are doing, including letting some of the students take over the planning of chapel and letting those students bring in instruments for the worship part.
I'm also struggling with money stuff. We're paying taxes this week and paid H&R Block last week. That means most of our "extra" money for this month that I could have used for a million other things is going to the taxes. I have known my car has a problem for like four or five months now and we still haven't fixed it. My computer is dying. I'd LOVE to pay off some of this stupid debt! I'm so sick and tired of worrying about all the credit cards we've gotten ourselves into. And it just seems neither of us has a way to control our spending even when we know we don't have much money in the bank. Every time I go to the store, I pick up at least one thing not on my list. I'm so bad when it comes to things like that. Sigh.
All of this has grown in my discontent to make this week just seem really bad. I know there are lots of great things in my life. Jeremy is almost finished with his graduate degree and his certification program. He's had a teaching job this year which has made him a lot happier even when he's not as happy as I'd like him to be. He's still much happier than last year and the year before. We have a great church family who don't want us to ever leave because they want to use us up for God, which is what I had prayed for when we were moving up here. We have great families who we keep up with on fairly regular basis and who loves us so much. And my husband loves me even when we don't always have as much time for each other lately as I'd like for us to.
I just have this bad habit of letting the bad stuff come to the front of my brain instead of the good stuff.
Also, please pray for my friend Alyson. She lost her baby this week and my heart is broken over that, too.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
My Hero Has Cancer
You know how you know that the people you love in life are not always going to be in your life, but you don't really think about the fact that they could leave this life ANY TIME? I'm dealing with the fact that my eyes have been opened again to how short life really is and how we must treasure each and every moment we've been given.
My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer last summer. It is in his lungs, but not necessarily what they call lung cancer. He went through chemo and radiation last fall and winter. Then, we waited several months before they could do the tests to see if they had gotten it all. Through all of this, they acted encouraging and like they were going to knock it out, no problem. It was shrinking.
When we got the test results back last week, it was still there. Two spots. One in each lung. My aunt informed me yesterday that the doctor says it's uncurable. This doesn't mean it can't be cured, just that it never has been. She asked him why they were going to make him go through poison again (chemo) if it's uncurable, and the doctor says it is to keep it from spreading.
Grandpa is my hero. He is 86 years old. I know we've had him a lot longer than most people have been blessed to have a grandparent. He is an elder in the church where he has lived in Oklahoma for the last fifty or so years. He's been married to my grandmother for almost 65 years (their anniversary is in June). He is amazing in his capabilities to go out in his garage and make or fix things, out of wood, pvc pipe, glue, nails, metal, etc. He's fixed my car several times and I know he's done the same for pretty much everyone else in our family. He's the father to four kids, four kids-in-law, grandfather to thirteen grandkids, nine grandkids-in-law, and great-grandfather to eleven great-grandkids. None of us have been divorced. Almost all of us are still faithful in our Christianity. I want to be at least half as good a person as he is when I "grow up."
I'm strugging right now. I don't like the thought that there's something inside of him "unfixable." He's who we go to when something needs to be fixed. He helped us buy our first house . . . and sell it. He's just always there when we need him.
He emailed me a while back after I had loaned him a copy of one of my stories so he could read it and asked where he could buy it so he could send copies to his cousins and brag on me. I wish I had been braver and tried harder to get published before now so he could have already done that. Guess I better step up my plans and goals. I wish I could have given him another great-grandchild. I want to go and eat another apple with him, something I used to do when I was growing up. I want to hear him pray again, his deep voice humming up and down as he breathes in and out while speaking. I want to hold his rough, large hands and laugh with him as he teases me.
I know he's not dead yet. But it feels closer than it ever has before. And I'm selfish and not ready to let him go.
My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer last summer. It is in his lungs, but not necessarily what they call lung cancer. He went through chemo and radiation last fall and winter. Then, we waited several months before they could do the tests to see if they had gotten it all. Through all of this, they acted encouraging and like they were going to knock it out, no problem. It was shrinking.
When we got the test results back last week, it was still there. Two spots. One in each lung. My aunt informed me yesterday that the doctor says it's uncurable. This doesn't mean it can't be cured, just that it never has been. She asked him why they were going to make him go through poison again (chemo) if it's uncurable, and the doctor says it is to keep it from spreading.
Grandpa is my hero. He is 86 years old. I know we've had him a lot longer than most people have been blessed to have a grandparent. He is an elder in the church where he has lived in Oklahoma for the last fifty or so years. He's been married to my grandmother for almost 65 years (their anniversary is in June). He is amazing in his capabilities to go out in his garage and make or fix things, out of wood, pvc pipe, glue, nails, metal, etc. He's fixed my car several times and I know he's done the same for pretty much everyone else in our family. He's the father to four kids, four kids-in-law, grandfather to thirteen grandkids, nine grandkids-in-law, and great-grandfather to eleven great-grandkids. None of us have been divorced. Almost all of us are still faithful in our Christianity. I want to be at least half as good a person as he is when I "grow up."
I'm strugging right now. I don't like the thought that there's something inside of him "unfixable." He's who we go to when something needs to be fixed. He helped us buy our first house . . . and sell it. He's just always there when we need him.
He emailed me a while back after I had loaned him a copy of one of my stories so he could read it and asked where he could buy it so he could send copies to his cousins and brag on me. I wish I had been braver and tried harder to get published before now so he could have already done that. Guess I better step up my plans and goals. I wish I could have given him another great-grandchild. I want to go and eat another apple with him, something I used to do when I was growing up. I want to hear him pray again, his deep voice humming up and down as he breathes in and out while speaking. I want to hold his rough, large hands and laugh with him as he teases me.
I know he's not dead yet. But it feels closer than it ever has before. And I'm selfish and not ready to let him go.
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