Dread

With the decision to stay here made and the promise of some "extra" money this fall, not only are we talking about paying down our debt . . . something I've been longing for a while now. We're also talking about going to talk to a fertility specialist. I need to know why I'm not ovulating. I need to know why I can't have a baby. More than just "PCOS." And that makes me excited and dreading at the same time.
I was really hoping we'd never have to go through all the fertility treatment stuff. I was hoping against hope that a miracle would occur and I would just end up pregnant on my own instead of forking out thousands of dollars to go through agonizing months of trying while adding chemicals and hormones and needs and ultrasounds and other things I don't even want to think about. I wanted God to answer that prayer so badly. I still do. There's still time.
But at the same time, I'd like to know the reasons anyway. I want to know why I've had to go through these almost five years of hoping and crying and doubting and bitterness and jealousy and wishing and agonizing and negative pregnancy tests and answering questions about why we haven't "started our family yet." What's wrong with my body that it can't do what all the rest of my friends seem to be able to do with no problems . . . again and again and again?
So, I'm looking forward to finally doing something about this problem. I'm not looking forward to any of the treatments. And I don't even know what they are yet. In case you haven't realized this about me in reading this blog, I'm really good at expecting the worst. So, get ready. It could get interesting on here after summer. I'll keep you posted.