Less than a Month

It's less than a month to my birthday. Three decades is a long time. A lot can happen in 30 years, but I'm not sure how much I've actually accomplished in my time. I've graduated with a BA and gotten married. I've stayed married longer than several of my friends, sadly. (I say sadly not because I've stayed married for 8 years, but because it's such a short time to have friends who have already ended theirs.) I'm not a mom yet. I'm I'm not rich. I'm not even out of debt. And as far as I know, I haven't helped anyone come to Christ. So, have I wasted my first 30 years? I'm not sure. But I know I want to do better in my second 30 years.

Strange Times

So, normally in the middle of my cycle, I'm more hopeful and positive-thinking, but this time just seems like it's going the opposite direction. I know I've said we're planning to look into fertility treatments this fall, but a girl can still hope a miracle happens before then. Anyway, while I've been trying to hope, it's almost like I'm trying not to hope at the same time.
We're heading to Austin this weekend for the Bible Teacher's Workshop there and to see friends. I'm looking forward to seeing friends from the five years we lived in that area except for one thing. . . a bunch of them are pregnant or have newborns. And while I love my friends and am (somewhere deep inside of me) happy for them, it's also hard for me, especially since most of them this is three or four kids for them. We're staying with friends who went through infertility and I've been missing them majorly. They were a huge support while we lived there and I have definitely missed having her around to talk it through. Not that I couldn't pick up a phone and call her, mind you. It's just not the same. And I never seem to get around to calling people like I should. I don't even email or facebook message people very well anymore.
Another thing . . . I keep seeing this preview for a movie about a couple who can't have kids and then, bam, a boy shows up in their home out of the garden. I sort of want to watch it. And I sort of don't. I think I'll cry if I do. Because a boy isn't going to just show up out of our garden (that would consist of one planter and a sad little tomato plant on my front porch right now).
See? I'm just not in an optimistic mood right now. Not sure why I'm feeling so down when so many things seem to be going right, but I am.

Unexpected Mentoring

Remember several Christmases ago when I decided to write a book to help other people who were going through the same thing I'm going through? Well, just in case you were wondering, no, I've never gotten it written. Anyway, when I decided to do that, I really wanted God to use me and this bad situation for good. Instead, I've gotten caught up in my life and not gone in that direction I really wanted to go in.
Anyway, I had a friend call the other day who I haven't gotten to talk to in a while. I was in her wedding and have counseled her through various relationships and other things over the years since college. When she called to talk and started out by telling me that she and her husband have started trying to have kids, I wasn't sure where the conversation would go. I thought maybe she was going to tell me they had succeeded since she said she wanted to tell me instead of posting it on facebook.
Instead, she said she was dealing with disappointment because it had been three months and she had just started a new cycle. I completely understood since I had just started, too. And while I know three months isn't long, it can feel really long when each week brings more and more worries and wondering. For me, it's been almost five years. And while I talked her through some things rather calmly, inside I was struggling. For some reason, even though I want to be a mentor and help others through this struggle, I guess I'm not really ready inside yet. I'm still needing mentors myself.
It was just unexpected.