Right now

I'm typing my first post with a purring cat in my lap. I don't know if he'll be much help, but at least he's warm on my cold legs. I don't really know why I'm starting this blog. I'm not even good at writing in my personal journal anymore. But here I am. We'll see where this goes.
I'm a hypochondriac and have always worried about getting some deadly disease. Or even just a bad one that wasn't deadly. I've also always wanted to be a mom. So, when my fears about infertility started proving that they might come true this last year, I wasn't at all sure what to feel. I know I worry too much and let things build up inside of me to where I can't stop thinking about them. I was hoping I was just reading too much into the fact that my cycles were messed up and we still weren't pregnant after a year of trying. The doctor confirmed several weeks ago that I am not ovulating. She put me on Clomid, one of the things I NEVER wanted to do. I had heard horror stories of what it did to other women who took it, including giving them depression. Since that particular disease runs in my family, I had to be extra scared of doing anything to make the chances higher of me becoming depressed as well. But, it was the option she gave me and she was optimistic. So, we took Clomid.
Now, we're in the waiting part. This is the hardest part to me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time don't want to think about the fact that it might not have worked. It was only the first month of us taking it and it does take some women longer than a month to conceive on fertility drugs. But I want to hold on to the hope. I want to think there is someone growing inside of me right now, days old. It's a terrifying and wonderful thought all at once.
So, instead of not thinking about it, like I probably should be, I am blogging about it. I'm throwing it out for all the world to see. A bit scary. A bit crazy. But maybe it will help me get through the waiting part -- and help me get to the part where I know for sure if it worked.
Okay, so I'm only throwing it out for certain people to see right now . . . but maybe eventually I'll get up the nerve to open my blog up to the whole world. We'll see.