A plan

So, it's been a while since I posted anything on here. The last month hasn't gone exactly to plan. We made it through cycle six and still no pregnancy. Yesterday, we drove to the Dallas area to visit with a reproductive endocrinologist. He was very straight-forward with us, no icing on the cake. He pointed out that obviously the clomid wasn't working just by itself. I'm going in tomorrow for an HSG Screening to find out if I have any blockages. If everything is clear, we'll start something new this next cycle. He has me on birth control until then to keep me regulated. Once the new cycle starts, I'll go in for a sonogram between days 1 and 5 to make sure there are no cysts or anything. I'll start clomid again (it was working a little so we'll keep it in the plan for now). Then, days 7, 9 and 11, I'll get to inject another drug into my belly. This drug will help grow more and larger eggs. On day 12, we'll head back for another sonogram to make sure everything is working. If it is, they'll inject one more drug in me which will actually force my ovaries to release the egg(s) so that we won't have to wonder when I'm ovulating. The next day, we'll do IUI (intrauterine insemination). Then, he wants me on progesterone after that to help make everything keep working like it should. Whew!
I keep reminding myself that I wanted a more aggressive plan than what we had been doing, but I wasn't really anxious to start injectables. This sort of takes all the fun out of making a baby, but we're just hoping it will work. There is only one more step between this plan and IVF, and I don't want to go down that road (that's another post I haven't written yet). So, that's where we are right now. If you want to know how I'm doing mentally, I honestly am not sure. I think I'm a little overwhelmed, but slightly heartened, too, because it feels like we're not just sitting still anymore. And, this is sort of the plan that got put on hold when Jeremy lost his job four years ago, so we're really just catching up with ourselves.
Now, one foot in front of the other and get through the rest of tonight (hoping I sleep despite thinking about what I'll have to do tomorrow), and tomorrow morning. And then go from there.

It's Been a While

In case you're wondering, yes I'm still alive. Yes, I'm still not pregnant. It seems like it's taken over my thoughts more and more lately, even though I'm staying busy doing other things as well. I made myself a new dress for Easter . . . and then embroidered it . . . because I could. I've been commissioned to make a baseball baby quilt from my etsy shop so I'm busy starting to applique and embroider that. I'm helping host two wedding showers for girls at church and making baby things for the million and two people it seems like have wound up pregnant lately. Think they'd sell me some of their water?
By the way, my sister is having a girl so now I have to decide how many cute little things I can make for her before it's called spoiling. My sister is having a rough time of it, still dealing with morning sickness. But I know she wouldn't change it for the world. I would deal with it happily if it meant I was pregnant.
I'm on my fifth cycle. The doctor said six before we get sent to a reproductive endocrinologist. Meanwhile, my Grandma has had a dream about me that I'll have twin girls. Yeah. Not really wanting to think about that either.
This post is sort of meandering, but I really just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know I'm still muddling through. I'm taking Pregnitude along with doing the Clomid and I don't know if it's doing any good or not. It can't hurt, though.
I noticed that my prayers changed toward the middle of the last cycle. I had been praying -- let's change that to begging and pleading -- for God to let me have a baby. It seemed for a while like that's all my prayers were. Then, as I got more toward the middle of the cycle, I noticed I was praying more like this: please let me not be jealous of the girls who are pregnant and bless them with healthy safe pregnancies, please give me your strength and peace no matter what comes, and please help my unbelief.
I'm not saying I'm super-Christian now. Far from it. I'm still struggling with jealousy and doubt and I still beg God for what I want. But maybe I'm one step closer to where I want to be in my walk with God.

Announcement

I haven't been allowed to say anything since Christmas because they wanted to keep it a secret for a while, but my sister is pregnant. She's due August 20th. They've been married for less years than Jeremy and I have been trying to get pregnant. I knew before-hand that they were talking about starting to try sometime in the near future. But I had no idea that they had actually started trying until our family get-together at Christmas when she hands both me and my brother a card we have to open at the same time. It was her, standing in front of a sign in London, that says something about seats being reserved for disabled or pregnant people. It was a huge shock. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a minute. Somewhere, way deep down around my toenails, I was really happy for her. Unfortunately, that feeling didn't make it to my face. I didn't give her the reaction I wanted to be able to give her. I didn't cry . . . much . . . right then. But it was about the same time that I was having to take my clomid so I was already frustrated with everything and all I could think about was that it was supposed to be me. I'm the older sister. I've been married longer. I've been TTC longer. Why couldn't it be me, too? It would have been so much fun to be pregnant at the same time as my sister.
Jeremy didn't pick up on what was going on right away so it didn't hit him as quickly. And then I think he was trying to be strong for me, but not sure what to do. My sister-in-law didn't realize the whole struggle Jeremy and I have been through so she was gushing and asking questions. We were at my brother's townhouse and I had nowhere to go. I had to sit there and hold it in.
Jeremy and I cried for ourselves that night, trying to figure out exactly what we were thinking and feeling. We drove home the next day and so had lots of time to hash it out as we made the journey west from TN to TX. Somewhere around the middle of Arkansas, I started to come to grips with it. I do like the name Aunt Amy. And I have all sorts of cute ideas of things I can make for this niece or nephew. I'm just sad for myself.
I called my sister several days later and apologized for not giving her the reaction I wanted to be able to give her. I wanted to jump up and hug her neck and squeal with joy and gush like my sister-in-law did, but I physically couldn't. I told her a lot of the things I was feeling and going through. She had been a little worried about how I would take it and had even asked Mom and Dad how she should tell me. They reassured her that I would be happy for her, but would also be sad.
Most days I'm doing okay with the thought of it. But I still have down days. And with her making the public announcement on facebook yesterday, today was sort of hard. It doesn't help that I'm exhausted because I work all the time and don't stop to rest . . . and was up early this morning. And I'm hormonal . . . because I'm hormonal all the time!
My bittersweet announcement. Wasn't what you were expecting, was it? Me, either.

Lost

Do you ever just feel lost? It's not so much that you don't know exactly where you are, but more a case of you don't really know how you got there? That's the way I feel.
I know where I am. I'm working full-time for a job I don't hate but don't necessarily love either. I'm sitting on about three manuscripts I want to get published, but not sure how to get them that way. I'm 5 years past when I wanted to start having children. I'm living in a tiny apartment where I can usually find what I'm looking for but which we never completely unpacked because we didn't have room . . . and now seem to have less room. I'm married to a great guy, but sometimes it feels like we're just taking turns fighting this battle of infertility. I'm frustrated and down-hearted, but trying to be positive and think "it's only been two months of 100mg clomid. The doctor said we'd try for 6 months before giving up and going to something else." But every month is another heart-ache . . . and I've done the math. Assuming I have about 11 periods a year (this is assuming a lot since I'm not anything close to regular when I'm not on some sort of pill), my heart has been broken over the same thing close to sixty times now. And I keep picking up all the little tiny pieces and fitting them back together, taping them up again, hoping the glue will hold this time. I'm not giving up. I'm just trying to find a reason not to.
I was talking to a friend the other night who went through infertility and ended up adopting. She told me that they started out with the plan of adoption if everything else didn't work out. Their child is perfect for their family. Just what God had planned. And she said it helped her to remind herself that even if they didn't have a child "naturally," she would end up with a child no matter what because she knew she had that other route. Jeremy and I have always talked about adopting a kid or two eventually. We just never really thought it might be more something we needed to do to have kids at all. So, it is an option for us. And I know we'll have a child (or more) eventually. I don't know how or when or anything else that might resemble a detail. But I know that much.
I just need a map to get me from here . . . to there.

Holding Pattern

You know how annoying it is when you're in a plane, flying in circles, waiting for the airport to say you can land? That's sort of how I feel about my whole life right now. Like I'm just flying in circles waiting for the go-ahead. I hate this part of the month, where I can't really do anything else to further my desire for mommy-hood except just wait and pray. And so, right now, every prayer I say starts with, "Please God, please let it have worked this time."

Update

For those of you who are keeping track, we're on to cycle three. I started my pills again last night. Merry Christmas to me. It was really hard to accept this time. With the proof of ovulation a month or so ago, it was like all our excuses for it not working were out the window. Jeremy had a hard time with it, too. He may have had an even harder time than I did although I shed my share of tears. I'm doing better again. After all, even though each new cycle comes with disappointment, it also comes with hope. The doctor said we'd try this for six months/cycles and see what happens. We've got five more shots before we have to move on to another plan. Keep praying. I may need even more peace later this week when we get together with some of my extended family, including a cousin with a baby. It's not that I don't want her to have an extremely cute child. I know somewhere deep down inside I even might want to meet the kid and love on him. But right now it's hard because I don't have one, too. And I did the math the other day . . . I'll now be at least 31 before I get to be a mommy. So much for having kids at 25. Or even around the same time as my mom. She turned 31 several months after I was born. I know there's no real time-frame we're obligated to fill, but it's frustrating to see me getting older year after year with not much to show for it.
Sorry if I've depressed you all on Christmas day, but I know a lot of you are keeping up with me and would want to know. Pray hard!

Second Ultrasound . . . or Third, really, I guess

Second round of clomid is complete. We did 100 mg this time instead of 50. I went in for the ultrasound today. I was around day 17. Nothing in the right ovary. Left ovary showed signs of . . . wait. Doesn't that look like I already ovulated? Yep. Yep, it does. Wahoo! I did something most women take for grated every month!
Now, please pray HARD that everything gets together like it's supposed to. And that I won't count my chickens too much before they hatch. . . . again.