Overall, I guess this hasn't been a horrible Halloween. I love the holiday. It's probably my favorite. The fall air, the candy, the dressing up and overall fun of it!
And it was pay day. Always good.
But the biggest trick of all that happened to me, was that I went from being on day 29 of my cycle back to day 1. Guess all those hopes get to start again. It hit me hard yesterday. I think the combination of hormones and stress didn't help. I had a slight breakdown -- for 20 minutes. I had gotten on Facebook to check statuses one more time before work and saw that one of my friends who has been married for only a couple of months is expecting. For some reason, that sent me over the edge. I sobbed and thought about not going to work. I'd been cramping and spotting for two days and my test confirmed that I was not pregnant. It just seemed so unfair that she could get what I had been wanting for years in just a few months. I did make it in to work, but it took a bit for me to really get control of myself and keep my tearducts dry.
Jeremy points out that we just get to try some more. And I know it was just the first cycle of Clomid and it's very rare for things like this to work on the first try . . . but it would have been perfect timing in my mind. I know. God's timing is different. I'm so sick of hearing about God's perfect timing and God's perfect plan for me. I know He has one and He's looking out for me, but that doesn't make it easier to live with right now. I know I'll look back on this and really appreciate my child more because it took so much extra work to get him/her. But that doesn't really help either.
I'm not giving up on God, mind you. I'm just . . . frustrated with Him. And that's a scary place to be.
Hope I didn't ruin anyone's Halloween with this news. I really do love this day. And thanks to all my friends who are helping me through it!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Poly C
When the doctor looked at my test results, she told me I probably have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I had sort of figured that out by myself and given that diagnosis to Jeremy and some friends, but it was pretty scary to hear it from someone who KNOWS way more than I do. I had just been reading article after article trying to figure out why my periods were so messed up. I came across this one (http://www.babyzone.com/mom_dad/womens_health/pcos/article/living-with-pcos-pg2#bm4) and here are the symptoms they list for PCOS.
Common PCOS Symptoms:
Irregular periods
Heavy/prolonged periods
Absent periods
Ovarian cysts
Irregular or absent ovulation
Hirsutism (excess facial/body hair)
Alopecia (male-pattern hair loss)
Insulin resistance
Weight problems
Adult acne
Skin tags
Acanthosis nigricans (brown skin patches, often found on the nape of the neck)
High cholesterol levels
High blood pressure
Exhaustion and/or lack of mental alertness (especially at end of day)
Decreased sex drive
High levels of "male" hormones such as androgens, DHEAS, or testosterone
Infertility
Decreased breast size
Enlarged clitoris (considered rare)
Enlarged ovaries
Enlarged uterus
Migraines (less recognized, not well studied)
Depression (may be caused by hormonal imbalances or as a result of suffering symptoms which adversely affect self-esteem)
I've highlighted the ones in red that were most noticable in me. And the ones in green are the ones I have a little bit. Obviously, I don't have excess weight gain or high blood pressure or anything. And the usual people with this "disease" are usually more overweight. I don't think I've even had a cyst before. But you can't deny the first three. As to the excess facial hair . . . that's the part I hate most. I'd always had one or two little coarse black hairs on my chin that I just keep plucked. But since getting off of birth control, I've noticed a few more above my lip, too. And I'm not the only one who's noticed. Several of the kids at school look at me and say, "Why do you have a mustache?" I'm totally embarrassed and totally upset by it. It doesn't bother Jeremy, but I guess my self-esteem is lower than it should be. I know it's silly to worry about a little hair -- and lots of women have hair above their lips. But that's the part I hate the most about having Poly C.
Common PCOS Symptoms:
Irregular periods
Heavy/prolonged periods
Absent periods
Ovarian cysts
Irregular or absent ovulation
Hirsutism (excess facial/body hair)
Alopecia (male-pattern hair loss)
Insulin resistance
Weight problems
Adult acne
Skin tags
Acanthosis nigricans (brown skin patches, often found on the nape of the neck)
High cholesterol levels
High blood pressure
Exhaustion and/or lack of mental alertness (especially at end of day)
Decreased sex drive
High levels of "male" hormones such as androgens, DHEAS, or testosterone
Infertility
Decreased breast size
Enlarged clitoris (considered rare)
Enlarged ovaries
Enlarged uterus
Migraines (less recognized, not well studied)
Depression (may be caused by hormonal imbalances or as a result of suffering symptoms which adversely affect self-esteem)
I've highlighted the ones in red that were most noticable in me. And the ones in green are the ones I have a little bit. Obviously, I don't have excess weight gain or high blood pressure or anything. And the usual people with this "disease" are usually more overweight. I don't think I've even had a cyst before. But you can't deny the first three. As to the excess facial hair . . . that's the part I hate most. I'd always had one or two little coarse black hairs on my chin that I just keep plucked. But since getting off of birth control, I've noticed a few more above my lip, too. And I'm not the only one who's noticed. Several of the kids at school look at me and say, "Why do you have a mustache?" I'm totally embarrassed and totally upset by it. It doesn't bother Jeremy, but I guess my self-esteem is lower than it should be. I know it's silly to worry about a little hair -- and lots of women have hair above their lips. But that's the part I hate the most about having Poly C.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
A Day in the Life
Not many people understand what I do every afternoon when I become the Extended Care Enrichment Aide at Brentwood Christian School in Austin, TX. Here's a "typical" day (although this might not have all happened on the same day, quite often we have more or less these scenarios, and I'm using situations that really did happen).
I get to work a little before two and collect my thoughts and breath before exiting my car to walk in Building B. Walking down the hallway, I catch snippets of third grade Bible and social studies as I pass their classrooms to get to ours. When I get in, I place my stuff beside the hamster cage and Miss Lilly pokes her head up to look at me before burrowing back under her bedding. Amber says "hi" and Arin says, "Hey, Mrs. Anguish." Even though Arin really is one of our aides, he isn't supposed to be there until 8th period and it's seventh. He's skipping Mr. Anguish's study hall again. I gather supplies and make sure I have everything ready for the K-2nd enrichment activity of the week. Since it's a run-around game outside this week, they're liking it better than the leaf wreath we made last week. I don't get as many "Do we have to?"s. Then, I make sure I have everything for my 3rd-6th grade club. Since it's Tuesday, I'm doing scrapbooking today. This club takes a lot of patience and endurance as it's pure chaos. Someone over the years has donated miscellaneous bits and pieces until we have three boxes full of scrapbooking supplies. The girls in the club are chatterboxes and talk about the Jonas brothers more than they work. Oh well. That's later. I have to get through my "little kids" first.
At 2:23, Kendra and I head over to Building A, the lower elementary. I unlock the door and we split up to each hall. I poke my head in Mrs. Troutman's door to warn her I'll be right back for her curbside kids and then go collect the kids from Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Allen down the hall. "Did you get your jacket?" "Zip your backpack up." "Shh. You need to be quiet in the hallway." We herd our way back down to get Mrs. Troutman's kids and we're out the door. We get up to our curbside corner and I start getting kids in cars while we wait for the 1st and 2nd graders. They're usually out about the same time we are, racing up the hill, knocking people over as they go. The bell rings and I finally see them coming so we can get these impatient parents out of here. "Adelle! Come on! Your mom is right here!" "Please stay off the sidewalk so no one runs you over." "Hello, Mrs. Weed!" At 2:40 the first chaos of the day is over. I take the "leftover" kids and walk to Extended Care in the Family Life Center (FLC).
I walk past the gym part of the FLC to the tables in the cafeteria to help Mr. Allen finish checking kids in. He's usually almost done by the time I get there. I gather my Palm Trees (the Volcanoes had their turn yesterday) and we line up at the back door to go play a game. I bring two long jump ropes to work as our lines and we head down the hill to play beside the gazebo. I place my lines at a pretty good distance and explain the rules of "Run, Rabbit, Run" to the few kindergarterners who have not had a chance to play the game before. Everyone is so excited, I give up on rules and let them line up to play with two being the taggers. After three passes (one skip, one gallop, and one run), all but two have been tagged and are sitting down, so we take the two left and they are the new taggers. Eventually, I don't have any winners who haven't been taggers before, so I start picking kids from the middle until everyone has had a turn. Rats! I have an odd number. I let one kid go twice. Of course, on the last play of the game, two kids collide and Andrew gets a bloody nose. I mean, it's gushing. I hate bloody noses. I send him inside to Mr. Allen while I gather everyone else up ("Stay away from the blood! Come on!") and bring them back inside with the others for a few minutes before snack. I can see the trail of blood as we walk inside and all the kids say "Ew!" as they tiptoe around it, like it's going to attack them!
Mr. Allen has given up on getting Andrew's nose to stop, so I'm starting him across campus to the nurse while he starts the kids on snack. We catch Amber as she comes in to give Cayden his ADHD pill and she has us wait for her. Drip, drip. More red spots on the floor. I feel sorry for the cleaning crew. Amber comes back and looks more closely at Andrew to see that he's still gushing so she picks up this little kindergartener (I swear they start out smaller every year) and we hightail it across campus. The crossing guards wave us across with their yellow flags and everyone who sees us whispers "What happened to him?" We get him to Nancy (our nurse) who knows just what to do, and I head back to help Mr. Allen finish up snack. He's already got them lined up and heading out the door so I tag on at the end, behind Cayden and Keri. I hear what they're saying. "Cayden, you're going to marry me, right?" "Yeah." "Why are you going to marry me, Cayden?" "I don't know." They're in first grade. I hide my laughter as I try to get them to catch up to the rest of the line and get to the playground.
I have a few moments to catch my breath on the playground while I wait for Paige to get out there. I enjoy sitting on the bench with Mr. Allen while the cool fall breeze blows by and I can hear the kids laughing as they swing upside down (I probably shouldn't be letting them do that, but they're short enough they won't graze the ground). Several girls bring their drama over "Jordan took her beads back from Zoe after she promised Zoe could have them." I hear Zoe crying. We always have some kind of drama. Mr. Allen calls it our own little Peyton Place.
Paige comes and I head inside to deal with 3rd-6th graders. I get back to the room in Building B, grab a snack (Animal Crackers, but I'm starving), and get the girls to help me carry the boxes. They plop into the chairs in the teacher's workroom and talk excitedly about the pictures they brought to put in their books today. I pass out the scrapbooks gently as they have stuffed items inside they wanted to use but didn't get to last time inside. "Mrs. Anguish, I need help," Samantha whines. "Claudya, why aren't you working?" I ask. "I don't know what to do." I try to help three girls at once and it isn't easy as scrapbooking is a detailed process. The girls end up leaving part-way through and I only have two left to help clean up at 4:55. They talk about everything they're going to do next time as we go back to the classroom. I spend a few moments straightening up and then it's time to leave.
The best part of the day: meeting Jeremy at the car to go home together.
I get to work a little before two and collect my thoughts and breath before exiting my car to walk in Building B. Walking down the hallway, I catch snippets of third grade Bible and social studies as I pass their classrooms to get to ours. When I get in, I place my stuff beside the hamster cage and Miss Lilly pokes her head up to look at me before burrowing back under her bedding. Amber says "hi" and Arin says, "Hey, Mrs. Anguish." Even though Arin really is one of our aides, he isn't supposed to be there until 8th period and it's seventh. He's skipping Mr. Anguish's study hall again. I gather supplies and make sure I have everything ready for the K-2nd enrichment activity of the week. Since it's a run-around game outside this week, they're liking it better than the leaf wreath we made last week. I don't get as many "Do we have to?"s. Then, I make sure I have everything for my 3rd-6th grade club. Since it's Tuesday, I'm doing scrapbooking today. This club takes a lot of patience and endurance as it's pure chaos. Someone over the years has donated miscellaneous bits and pieces until we have three boxes full of scrapbooking supplies. The girls in the club are chatterboxes and talk about the Jonas brothers more than they work. Oh well. That's later. I have to get through my "little kids" first.
At 2:23, Kendra and I head over to Building A, the lower elementary. I unlock the door and we split up to each hall. I poke my head in Mrs. Troutman's door to warn her I'll be right back for her curbside kids and then go collect the kids from Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Allen down the hall. "Did you get your jacket?" "Zip your backpack up." "Shh. You need to be quiet in the hallway." We herd our way back down to get Mrs. Troutman's kids and we're out the door. We get up to our curbside corner and I start getting kids in cars while we wait for the 1st and 2nd graders. They're usually out about the same time we are, racing up the hill, knocking people over as they go. The bell rings and I finally see them coming so we can get these impatient parents out of here. "Adelle! Come on! Your mom is right here!" "Please stay off the sidewalk so no one runs you over." "Hello, Mrs. Weed!" At 2:40 the first chaos of the day is over. I take the "leftover" kids and walk to Extended Care in the Family Life Center (FLC).
I walk past the gym part of the FLC to the tables in the cafeteria to help Mr. Allen finish checking kids in. He's usually almost done by the time I get there. I gather my Palm Trees (the Volcanoes had their turn yesterday) and we line up at the back door to go play a game. I bring two long jump ropes to work as our lines and we head down the hill to play beside the gazebo. I place my lines at a pretty good distance and explain the rules of "Run, Rabbit, Run" to the few kindergarterners who have not had a chance to play the game before. Everyone is so excited, I give up on rules and let them line up to play with two being the taggers. After three passes (one skip, one gallop, and one run), all but two have been tagged and are sitting down, so we take the two left and they are the new taggers. Eventually, I don't have any winners who haven't been taggers before, so I start picking kids from the middle until everyone has had a turn. Rats! I have an odd number. I let one kid go twice. Of course, on the last play of the game, two kids collide and Andrew gets a bloody nose. I mean, it's gushing. I hate bloody noses. I send him inside to Mr. Allen while I gather everyone else up ("Stay away from the blood! Come on!") and bring them back inside with the others for a few minutes before snack. I can see the trail of blood as we walk inside and all the kids say "Ew!" as they tiptoe around it, like it's going to attack them!
Mr. Allen has given up on getting Andrew's nose to stop, so I'm starting him across campus to the nurse while he starts the kids on snack. We catch Amber as she comes in to give Cayden his ADHD pill and she has us wait for her. Drip, drip. More red spots on the floor. I feel sorry for the cleaning crew. Amber comes back and looks more closely at Andrew to see that he's still gushing so she picks up this little kindergartener (I swear they start out smaller every year) and we hightail it across campus. The crossing guards wave us across with their yellow flags and everyone who sees us whispers "What happened to him?" We get him to Nancy (our nurse) who knows just what to do, and I head back to help Mr. Allen finish up snack. He's already got them lined up and heading out the door so I tag on at the end, behind Cayden and Keri. I hear what they're saying. "Cayden, you're going to marry me, right?" "Yeah." "Why are you going to marry me, Cayden?" "I don't know." They're in first grade. I hide my laughter as I try to get them to catch up to the rest of the line and get to the playground.
I have a few moments to catch my breath on the playground while I wait for Paige to get out there. I enjoy sitting on the bench with Mr. Allen while the cool fall breeze blows by and I can hear the kids laughing as they swing upside down (I probably shouldn't be letting them do that, but they're short enough they won't graze the ground). Several girls bring their drama over "Jordan took her beads back from Zoe after she promised Zoe could have them." I hear Zoe crying. We always have some kind of drama. Mr. Allen calls it our own little Peyton Place.
Paige comes and I head inside to deal with 3rd-6th graders. I get back to the room in Building B, grab a snack (Animal Crackers, but I'm starving), and get the girls to help me carry the boxes. They plop into the chairs in the teacher's workroom and talk excitedly about the pictures they brought to put in their books today. I pass out the scrapbooks gently as they have stuffed items inside they wanted to use but didn't get to last time inside. "Mrs. Anguish, I need help," Samantha whines. "Claudya, why aren't you working?" I ask. "I don't know what to do." I try to help three girls at once and it isn't easy as scrapbooking is a detailed process. The girls end up leaving part-way through and I only have two left to help clean up at 4:55. They talk about everything they're going to do next time as we go back to the classroom. I spend a few moments straightening up and then it's time to leave.
The best part of the day: meeting Jeremy at the car to go home together.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Ups and Downs
I've been tracking my basal body temperature and other "signs" since February of this year. That was about five or six months into our trying to conceive. That's how the doctor knew with one look that I wasn't ovulating. Normal cycles are supposed to have a pattern. You're supposed to have fairly low temperatures before you ovulate and high after. I was having temperatures all over the chart with no pattern whatsoever. And my cycles were more like seasons in length. My periods were all over the place in length, too. I had one that was 56 days long. That's when I called the doctor, too. She ran some tests and determined that I probably have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). This syndrome comes with many side-effects, some of which are more annoying than others. The thing is, I'm not a typical PCOS person as I'm not overweight and most women with the . . . I guess it's a disease . . . are. Anyway, she put me on Clomid as you know. We declared the day I got the pills to be day 5 of my cycle as I had no idea when the real day 5 was. I started taking it and kept taking my temperatures. Last week my temperature spiked. And it's been up for days. I'm practically willing myself to have high temperatures (in the upper 97s and 98s) every morning as I stick the thermometer between my teeth and wait for the beep. So far, it's up. 98.2 this morning. It was 97.5 yesterday. 98.6 the day before. I hardly ever register as 98.6. Jeremy and I keep looking at each other and saying, "Maybe . . ." "What if?" What if I really am? These are my daily ups and downs. Ups of hope. Ups of temperature. Downs of trying to keep myself from hoping too much.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
This Weekend
We often look at each other and wonder aloud if we'll get a weekend off anytime soon. This weekend was not one. We did take Friday night to veg and do nothing, though. Saturday, however, was packed. We got up early (you have to realize that 8:00 a.m. is early for people who don't have kids on a Saturday morning) to go get our Angel Food box. Angel Food is a really neat program we do where we pay $30 every month and get a box FULL of meat and vegetables. I couldn't get all the meat (or the variety) at a grocery store for any less. It help us supplement our grocery bills and it's not bad. If you want to check it out, go to www.angelfoodministries.org.
We brought our box of food home and unpacked it, ate breakfast and got ready to go again. This time, we headed to the church building to move furniture. As preachers' kids we are both so used to moving furniture at the church building that when help is asked for, it's ingrained in us to go. I'm thinking that probably makes our parents happy. So, we helped set up and straighten the lines of folding chairs under the huge tent in the church parking lot, decorate the lunch tables in the auditorium (I think it's hilarious that we ate inside and worshipped outside), and did other various odd jobs to get ready for today. More about today later.
The afternoon was spent quietly. I watched a movie on TV while Jeremy slept off a sinus headache he's had all week. Then, we loaded up again to head back to the church building for Trunk'n'Treat. I adore Halloween and everything that goes with it. Even though we don't have a child to take to get candy, I love being there to help out with this fun event. The costumes are always wonderful. One family of friends dressed up with just a letter across their chest. His was an E and hers and the son's were P's. He was email, she was chickpea, the boy was sweetpea. I love it. I saw Charlie Brown, several Hannah Montanas and East High cheerleaders (which amuses me as the stars of the movies aren't even cheerleaders), the inevitable Disney princesses and dinosaurs and pumpkins . . . Love it. I got to stand behind the cookies with another lady to try and keep the kids from touching every one as they made up their minds which one they wanted. Whew. We got home about 8:30.
We were back at the church building at 8:30 this morning. Normally, that would be late for us, as we tend to go to the early service starting at 8, but today was Friends' Day. It started with Bible Class at 9:30. This is the reason for the tent. Jeremy was helping park cars so were there extra early. They were hoping for 1200 people (our congregation is somewhere over 700 normally). I don't think they made it as we had set up about 1100 chairs and still had empty. Oh well. We did have a fairly good crowd, maybe 1000. Lunch was catered by Jason's Deli as one of our members is an owner of a local one. Then, we had 1:00 singing and a short message and were out by 2. We would normally stay to clean up, but Jeremy was up most the night regretting the three corn dogs he had eaten at Trunk'n'Treat, so we came home to nap. Now, I'm collecting my thoughts and anticipating the rest of the week. We have to make it through to Friday without money and that's going to be interesting. Maybe Jeremy will get a late birthday card with a few dollars to hold us over. At least the weather is fabulous! I love the chilly mornings and nights with the warm days. It almost feels like fall finally. If only it didn't make the kids twice as crazy . . .
We brought our box of food home and unpacked it, ate breakfast and got ready to go again. This time, we headed to the church building to move furniture. As preachers' kids we are both so used to moving furniture at the church building that when help is asked for, it's ingrained in us to go. I'm thinking that probably makes our parents happy. So, we helped set up and straighten the lines of folding chairs under the huge tent in the church parking lot, decorate the lunch tables in the auditorium (I think it's hilarious that we ate inside and worshipped outside), and did other various odd jobs to get ready for today. More about today later.
The afternoon was spent quietly. I watched a movie on TV while Jeremy slept off a sinus headache he's had all week. Then, we loaded up again to head back to the church building for Trunk'n'Treat. I adore Halloween and everything that goes with it. Even though we don't have a child to take to get candy, I love being there to help out with this fun event. The costumes are always wonderful. One family of friends dressed up with just a letter across their chest. His was an E and hers and the son's were P's. He was email, she was chickpea, the boy was sweetpea. I love it. I saw Charlie Brown, several Hannah Montanas and East High cheerleaders (which amuses me as the stars of the movies aren't even cheerleaders), the inevitable Disney princesses and dinosaurs and pumpkins . . . Love it. I got to stand behind the cookies with another lady to try and keep the kids from touching every one as they made up their minds which one they wanted. Whew. We got home about 8:30.
We were back at the church building at 8:30 this morning. Normally, that would be late for us, as we tend to go to the early service starting at 8, but today was Friends' Day. It started with Bible Class at 9:30. This is the reason for the tent. Jeremy was helping park cars so were there extra early. They were hoping for 1200 people (our congregation is somewhere over 700 normally). I don't think they made it as we had set up about 1100 chairs and still had empty. Oh well. We did have a fairly good crowd, maybe 1000. Lunch was catered by Jason's Deli as one of our members is an owner of a local one. Then, we had 1:00 singing and a short message and were out by 2. We would normally stay to clean up, but Jeremy was up most the night regretting the three corn dogs he had eaten at Trunk'n'Treat, so we came home to nap. Now, I'm collecting my thoughts and anticipating the rest of the week. We have to make it through to Friday without money and that's going to be interesting. Maybe Jeremy will get a late birthday card with a few dollars to hold us over. At least the weather is fabulous! I love the chilly mornings and nights with the warm days. It almost feels like fall finally. If only it didn't make the kids twice as crazy . . .
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Right now
I'm typing my first post with a purring cat in my lap. I don't know if he'll be much help, but at least he's warm on my cold legs. I don't really know why I'm starting this blog. I'm not even good at writing in my personal journal anymore. But here I am. We'll see where this goes.
I'm a hypochondriac and have always worried about getting some deadly disease. Or even just a bad one that wasn't deadly. I've also always wanted to be a mom. So, when my fears about infertility started proving that they might come true this last year, I wasn't at all sure what to feel. I know I worry too much and let things build up inside of me to where I can't stop thinking about them. I was hoping I was just reading too much into the fact that my cycles were messed up and we still weren't pregnant after a year of trying. The doctor confirmed several weeks ago that I am not ovulating. She put me on Clomid, one of the things I NEVER wanted to do. I had heard horror stories of what it did to other women who took it, including giving them depression. Since that particular disease runs in my family, I had to be extra scared of doing anything to make the chances higher of me becoming depressed as well. But, it was the option she gave me and she was optimistic. So, we took Clomid.
Now, we're in the waiting part. This is the hardest part to me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time don't want to think about the fact that it might not have worked. It was only the first month of us taking it and it does take some women longer than a month to conceive on fertility drugs. But I want to hold on to the hope. I want to think there is someone growing inside of me right now, days old. It's a terrifying and wonderful thought all at once.
So, instead of not thinking about it, like I probably should be, I am blogging about it. I'm throwing it out for all the world to see. A bit scary. A bit crazy. But maybe it will help me get through the waiting part -- and help me get to the part where I know for sure if it worked.
Okay, so I'm only throwing it out for certain people to see right now . . . but maybe eventually I'll get up the nerve to open my blog up to the whole world. We'll see.
I'm a hypochondriac and have always worried about getting some deadly disease. Or even just a bad one that wasn't deadly. I've also always wanted to be a mom. So, when my fears about infertility started proving that they might come true this last year, I wasn't at all sure what to feel. I know I worry too much and let things build up inside of me to where I can't stop thinking about them. I was hoping I was just reading too much into the fact that my cycles were messed up and we still weren't pregnant after a year of trying. The doctor confirmed several weeks ago that I am not ovulating. She put me on Clomid, one of the things I NEVER wanted to do. I had heard horror stories of what it did to other women who took it, including giving them depression. Since that particular disease runs in my family, I had to be extra scared of doing anything to make the chances higher of me becoming depressed as well. But, it was the option she gave me and she was optimistic. So, we took Clomid.
Now, we're in the waiting part. This is the hardest part to me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time don't want to think about the fact that it might not have worked. It was only the first month of us taking it and it does take some women longer than a month to conceive on fertility drugs. But I want to hold on to the hope. I want to think there is someone growing inside of me right now, days old. It's a terrifying and wonderful thought all at once.
So, instead of not thinking about it, like I probably should be, I am blogging about it. I'm throwing it out for all the world to see. A bit scary. A bit crazy. But maybe it will help me get through the waiting part -- and help me get to the part where I know for sure if it worked.
Okay, so I'm only throwing it out for certain people to see right now . . . but maybe eventually I'll get up the nerve to open my blog up to the whole world. We'll see.
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