One of my Favorites and Self-Awareness

So, this is really two posts in one so get ready.

One of my Favorites:

Francine Rivers is an amazing author.  Let's be honest, I really want to write like she does.  And aside from her Mark of the Lion series (so good), my favorite book of hers is Redeeming Love.  I just reread it.  It's one of those books you can't put down, no matter how hard you try.  Let me give a short synopsis.  Know the story of Hosea in the Bible?  It's loosely based on that.  It's about Angel, a prostitute in gold-rush California, who marries Michael Hosea, but can't let him love her until she finds God's love.
Here's what caught my attention more this time, though.  She can't have kids because of a procedure the guy who "owned" her for years had performed on her to keep her from ever getting pregnant.  As she struggles with the fact that she can't give her husband children, I'm right there with her, in complete empathy.  Just once, though, I'd like to see a book have to get through a hurdle without it magically disappearing at the end.  If you've had a procedure done to keep you from getting pregnant, how can you get pregnant?  These things don't reverse themselves.  I want to read a book where a woman struggles with infertility and finds out it's okay even if she doesn't have children.  Maybe I should write one.  Maybe I will . . . someday.  It's been in the back of my mind to do something like that for a while now, but I still feel like I'm too wrapped up in the reality of it right now.  Does that make sense?

Self-Awareness:

There's nothing that makes you more aware of just how old 27, almost 28 years really is, than hanging out with teenage/early twenties "kids" all weekend as we all train to be camp counselors.  Did I used to have that much energy, that much uncontainable joy in life?  Why don't I still?  Is 27 really that old?  I'm hoping by the end of the summer that maybe I'll feel a little younger even though I'll be 28 in August.  Either that, or I'll remember why I don't want to go back to being 20 years old.  Not that it was a bad year . . . I've just been there, done that.
It does make me look more at my skin, my flabby thighs, the fact that I would never wear shorts that short -- EVER!  It also makes me so glad I'm not in school anymore, so glad I already know who I'm married to, instead of wondering who's out there for me.
Unfortunately, it also makes me very aware of just how unathletic I am, too. 

Hapari Swimsuit Giveaway

With summer coming, and the thought of working at a day camp all summer, I have been wanting a new swimsuit. So, when I found this post this morning, I had to enter. These are so cute. Crossing my fingers that I can win this giveaway!

Unnecessary Rudeness

Isn't it funny how, even though you've been told that the jewelry you make is so cute/pretty/fabulous/etc for four years, one little insult makes all those compliments seem to disappear?

Here's how it went down.

I've been selling on etsy (and buying every now and then) for three years now. I love etsy. Sometimes, it feels like the nicest place on the earth.

In the last year or so, I've fallen in love with chunky rings . . . big flowers, big fun designs, big funky, chunky rings. I love them. I don't go too overboard, but like them to be a little larger than my finger. They're just fun. So, I had a little money in my paypal account from some sales I'd had recently and I decided to shop for rings. Just for fun to see what was available. I found a cute daisy ring and then saw it was only $.20 so I clicked on it. Here's what it said: "*This ring is free with any purchase*"

Does that say to you, "You can't buy this ring unless you buy something else"? Because, it didn't say that to me. It said to me, "You can buy this ring OR get it free when you buy something else." So, I clicked and purchased it, thinking it was a little weird that it was only $.20 and no shipping, but maybe she was destashing or something.

The next morning, I get a message from her saying she is refunding my money because you can only get this ring if you buy something else. I messaged her back asking if I could just pay a bit more and still get the ring since I really didn't want anything else in her shop, but loved the ring. She said no, but gave me a link to another shop that sold a similar ring. I felt sort of "whatever" about the whole thing.

The other day I was on my etsy site looking at something else and noticed I needed to leave feedback for a couple of things so I went to that part of the site and saw that she was listed there as needing feedback. I left a neutral feedback because I really didn't mind that I didn't get the ring even though I liked it, but I felt she should have made her posting clearer. This is the message I got this morning:

"You are as pathetic as the ugly 'jewelry' you make. If you would learn to read you would save yourself the embarrassment of looking like a fool!"

Nice, no?

She also left me neutral feedback that said, "Person did not read the listing correctly or chose not to read it all. That is on her not me."

I'm getting mad all over again just thinking about it. And it's been bugging me all day. I'd love to send a message back to her saying something along the lines of "sorry I missed the line that you didn't put on your posting that said I couldn't buy this ring even though you posted it as an item for sale. From now on, I'll stay away from my shop and just visit shops that post items they are actually willing to sale. And, by the way, you're the only one who doesn't seem to like my 'jewelry.'"

Instead, I emailed the etsy people and asked if we could make this whole thing disappear. I just can't believe she'd email me that my jewelry is ugly (and put "jewelry" as if it wasn't real) just because I didn't give her a positive feedback. So rude. It's like my perfect image of etsy is ruined by one person. I'm hoping etsy will let me just get rid of the whole transaction, feedback included. And then I will avoid her shop like the plague, although I won't tell you who she is. No one else seems to have had problems with her. But you just don't treat people that way.

Worry-wart

All my life I've been a worrier. I like to say I get it from my dad who got it from his mom. It just feels sometimes like if you don't lie awake at night, worrying about worst case scenarios, then you haven't really invested enough of yourself into whatever you're worrying about. However, I've been working on that. The Bible says worry is a sin and I believe it. It's just a hard habit to let go of.
The other night, however, it was not me up worrying, but my sweet husband. You know, the one who always teases me about my worries. He's really stressed out about finding a new job for the fall. With this economy you never know if a job will open up or not so he's applying for every teaching job he can find in the area and checking all the Texas Christian School websites several times a day . . . even on Sundays when there is no way they'd be updated . . . trying to find something. I came out to ask if he was coming to bed anytime soon and could tell we were in for a long night. I don't really remember exactly what all was said, but I told him to stop worrying for the night and get some sleep. He gave me this look like, "YOU are telling ME not to worry?" And I said, "I'm not worried about anything right now."
After I said it, I realized it was true.
What a concept! I've actually given all my worries to God and let Him keep them! I fret a bit about my husband and how stressed he's making himself. I stress a bit when bills come due, or mornings like this morning that force me into getting new glasses earlier than I had planned to (stupid frames that break after only two years of hard wear and tear! :-) ). But I'm really not worried right now. I can finally sing with all my heart, "It is well with my soul." And that's a song I can't always sing with all honesty. Such a nice feeling. Now, to keep up letting God take care of the worries so I can try to be a better Christian everyday . . . and the wife my husband needs as he worries through all this stress.

Epitomy of Inconsiderate

So, my coworker and I have not exactly gotten along well this year. She's about five or six years younger than I am, freshly married, almost new to the world, it seems. We'd been getting along better for the most part lately, but today really pushed my limits of controlling my tongue.
She has been struggling with finding a birth control that works well for her. So, she's on the shot. Except she didn't know that when you first get on the shot, you're supposed to use back-up protection for a while. She thinks she's pregnant. And she told me all about her symptoms and how she wants to announce it to her family and how she is pretty much convinced this test on Friday will say she's pregnant. And I had to sit there and listen to her. She even said something like, "I guess that's the way it goes, huh? People like you and Jeremy who plan to have a baby and can't and then people who don't even want one get pregnant all the time."
Do me a favor. If you know someone who is struggling with infertility issues, don't be like that. We already know that the world is unfair. You don't have to rub it in.

What I Want to Say

So, sometimes it's harder to bite the tongue than others. After a couple years of getting asked "When are you going to have a baby?" it gets old. I usually reply, "When God wants me to," or something along those lines. People usually laugh because they don't realize that that's really what we're waiting on. However, deep inside, are darker, meaner, hateful things wanting to get out:

"When I can afford to go through who knows what kind of infertility treatments and one of them actually works!"

"When my body decides to work like God designed women's bodies to work instead of not ovulating."

"I've been wanting to have a baby for three years now. Any more questions?"

"Why don't you go hurt someone else with your questions?"

I actually had someone come up to me at church one night and sweetly ask, "Is there some news I haven't heard?" She looked pointedly at my stomach. I told her all about Jeremy's schooling and how it was going. She gave me a blank look before asking, "But nothing else?" I wanted to shout, "Do I really look that fat to you?"

Jeremy tells people, "Trust me, when we're pregnant, you'll know. It will be announced loudly and with much gladness."

I'm not really feeling spiteful right now. Just writing these things down. Better than actually letting them slip out of my lips.

On a good note, know that Michael Buble' song where he's talking about "just haven't met you yet?" I know it's probably a guy singing to a girl, but in a lot of ways, I think it fits really well with what my heart is saying to our future children. Here are the words. I love this song.

"I'm not surprised.

Not everything lasts.

I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.

Talk myself in.

I talk myself out.

I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.

I came up with a million excuses.

I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.

You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.

I'll never give up.

I guess it's half timing, And the other half's luck.

Wherever you are.

Whenever it's right.

You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.

And baby your is gonna change me.

And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair

In love and war.

But I won't need to fight it.

We'll get it right and, We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.

And being in your life is gonna change me.

And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.

And I'll work to work it out.

Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get, Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Ohhh! You know it'll all turn out.

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.

Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)

I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet."

New Sister!

This is my sweet, funny brother and his . . . FIANCEE'!
I am so excited. I get a new sister probably next April. Yay for Phillip and Melissa!

Just a Nail

I've never really hurt myself before. In my almost 28 years of existence, I've had no broken bones, no surgeries, nothing really more invasive than a yearly check-up with my "girl doctor." So, when I stepped on a nail in my backyard last night, I knew it hurt and I'd have to get a tetanus shot, but wasn't really expecting more than that. I head to the doctor this morning, the nurse gives me the shot, and the doctor tells me she wants and x-ray to see if anything's broken in my foot or if it hurt the bone, she wants me to wear a post-op shoe, she wants me on antibiotics and also prescribed vicadin. Whoa. Wait a minute. This isn't me. I've never had to do that kind of thing before. She was a little surprised I'd never taken any pain meds stronger than Aleve, but what can I say? This is obviously the worst thing I've ever done to my body . . . and it was just a nail!

Call Me a Frugalista - Sort of

I've never been rich. I've also never wanted for anything.
My dad is a preacher and I grew up living in the house owned by the church, loaned to the preacher while he worked with them. Giving the preacher living quarters allows a church to pay the preacher less. I'm not saying this as a bad thing. It's a good idea in my opinion. We didn't always have a lot, but we were fed, clothed, and happy. That's the way I grew up.
I never really expected to have a lot of money in my married life, either. I married a teacher -- who wants to teach in a private Christian school. That doesn't pay much, in case you wanted to know. For the first two years of our marriage, we actually were sort of backwards for the way you normally think of a couple earning money: I had the full-time job and he had the part-time while he took classes for his masters. When we moved to Texas for him to take a job at a private Christian school, we agreed that we'd switch so I could do the part-time thing and he'd do the full-time. And it worked fairly well for the first three years we were down here. However, when he lost his teaching job (stupid economy!) at the end of last school year, we had to do some quick thinking. God gave him a job at an electronics store for the past year and we're so grateful for him to have a job, period. It doesn't pay as much as the school, though. So, while we weren't rich, but weren't too bad off before, this year has been TIGHT. And I do mean TIGHT. Some months I haven't known how we were going to pay the bills. And some months they got paid by credit card because there was no other way.
All this to say, I've learned a few things about trying to save money, and while I'm not perfect at it yet, I feel like I'm getting the hang of it as we come to the end of this school year. I follow a couple of blogs/websites that help some. www.moneysavingmom.com and www.dealseekingmom.com are great, although a lot of the time they say the same things. I follow one on facebook and the other through her blog. I've also signed up for some programs like swagbucks (a search engine that pays you "swagbucks" occasionally for searching with it, which you can cash in later for fun things like gift cards and all sorts of things). If you want to join swagbucks, please put me as the one who referred you! I get swagbucks for that, too! :-)
And at the grocery store, I choose not to buy chips or things that are not "necessary." I do keep some cokes around because my husband gets headaches if he doesn't get caffeine for a while. And I do keep a good stash of tea and chocolate. A great friend in college pointed out that it's cheaper in the long run to keep things like that on hand instead of giving in to a craving at a more expensive place like a coke machine later on when you can't take it anymore because you haven't had it in so long. I clip coupons and try to use them as often as I can. I compare the price per unit. I cook at home a lot. We hardly ever eat out anymore.
It's not always easy. I'd love a new pair of shoes right now -- and probably need one soon -- but that will wait for a while. I'm hoping this summer might be a little easier money-wise because of my working at a day camp, which is longer hours for me, but more money per month, too. Maybe we can even get the new tires I need, and the new brake and shocks. And new glasses and contacts. And a few other things that have been pushed to the back burner over the last year.
One thing I've learned this year: the verse in Matthew about God caring more for you than the lilies of the field, it's true. He's helped us over and over again this last year. I can't imagine how people get through things like we've been through without the church family and a faith in God to support them and hold them up. Praise be to the Lord who cares about me so much that He knows how many hairs are on my head and who loved me enough to not only give me His Son, but to take care of me in this lifetime, too!