Going Backwards

So, I had my "well-woman" visit on Monday.  Wasn't really too big of a deal.  I'm healthy in spite of my body not doing what a woman's body is supposed to do.  I was sitting there talking with my Dr. (who I LOVE because she is so friendly and understanding and helpful) and asked if I should be worried about the fact that I'm once again not regular and haven't had a period since before Memorial Day.  I basically said, "Should I try to jumpstart it?"  She suggested going back on the pill.  She was talking and talking about how since we're not trying to conceive right now, it wouldn't hurt.  I didn't bother to argue that we ARE trying to conceive, just not with drugs and fertility treatments and and and . . .  It was easier to agree, but I did talk her into letting me just be on the pill for a couple of month instead of interminably.  I couldn't stand the thought of going back on them longer than that.  She hooked me up with two months worth samples of Yaz (trying not to think about anything bad I've heard about that drug) and I started taking them Tuesday morning.  I feel like I'm going backwards.  Like, I'm headed in the opposite direction of where I want to go but can't find a way to turn around.  It doesn't help that birth control pills leave me feeling like I have absolutely NO control over my emotions.  I'm happy to angry to crying in no time flat.  Grr.  I hate feeling like I'm out of control.  Here's what I AM looking forward to:  regularity for a couple of months and maybe my skin clearing up a bit.  We'll see how well that works out.

Check this out!

I am being featured on a crochet blog!

Click Here!

I'm doing a big happy dance right now as I type.  I feel so honored by this.

God's Reminders

I have to admit, I've been struggling a little lately.  (*side note* This post is going to get into some female stuff so if you don't want to read it, back off now)
I've never been regular.  In high school, they put me on birth control for a few weeks to get my periods to stop being so frequent and heavy (like, back to back with only a day between).  I sort of loved being on birth control the first few years of marriage because it meant I always knew when I would start and I never had to worry about anything except the cramping that was heavier on the pill.  It took me three months and a round of meds to get me started again after we got off the pill -- three years ago.  Since then, my body has fallen back into its "rhythm" which means doing whatever it wants to when it wants to.  I learned a lot about my body through this book:  Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health.  A friend gave me her copy and I read it cover to cover.  I still don't understand my body, though.  This summer I haven't really had a period.  Actually, just leave the "really" out.  I haven't had one, at all.  Not since before Memorial day.  I blame it a lot on the summer I've had -- being more active than normal, out in the heat, drinking more water, eating strange meals.
For those of you who have regular periods, you have no idea so let me try and explain what I'm struggling with.  Most women would love to not have a period for three months.  It's frustrating to me.  I'm never sure if my spotting is leading up to one or not.  Never sure if I'm going to need to wear a pad.  Never sure what my hormones are doing, although it does assure me I'm not ovulating.  But the most frustrating part is, it holds off just long enough to let you start believing.  Then, you can't shake the niggle in the back of your mind.  Everywhere you look, you see signs that maybe this time . . . maybe . . .  possibly . . . could you be?  I don't think I am, but there's still the niggle.
Meanwhile, several more of my friends are turning up pregnant.  I really am happy for them.  But I keep asking God, "Is it my turn yet?"
And the hardest part of the last summer is really about my other half.  It's like living with a zombie most of the time in my house.  Don't get me wrong -- God has blessed us tremendously with the jobs He's given us.  It's just not what my husband wants to be doing.  He wants to teach.  And him seeing me going back to my after-school-care job, seeing others going back to school, has really been hard on him.  I keep telling him not to give up.  Schools are still hiring even after school starts.  And he continues to flip through all the school websites he's bookmarked this last year, hoping for any kind of teaching opening and applying to the few he has found.

Are you depressed yet?  Here's the hope part.  I've been one of the girls in charge of our Wednesday night Ladies' class at church this year.  We've been studying the Bible all the way through from beginning to end, using The Daily Bible: In Chronological Order 365 Daily Readings - New International Version with Devotional Insights to Guide You Through God's Word.  We're also using the devotional that goes along with it.  I'm really enjoying re-reading the Bible as I haven't done it for several years.  And this one is broken up well, with nice commentary to explain some things that I haven't picked up on before.  Anyway, the reading this morning (which is actually for tomorrow morning because I read two days' worth on Saturdays knowing I don't have time on Sundays) sent me a reminder.  It was about Jeremiah.  He's been prophesying and the king has locked him in the courtyard because he doesn't like what Jeremiah has to say.  Jeremiah's cousin comes and asks him to buy some land.  Historical note:  Jerusalem is under siege by the Babylonians at this time and is about to fall to them.  Why would anyone by land when the land is about to be captured?  Jeremiah does it anyway.  God told him to.  It's a sign of hope.  The point of the devotional this morning was that life "ebbs and flows" in constant change . . . and that God delights in restoration.  The thought at the very end says this:  "The hopeful question is:  Have I took quickly given up all hope over some 'impossible' situation that God may yet turn completely around?"
Do I really need to say more?

I worked at camp all summer and all I got was. . .

• two staff t-shirts (slightly sweat and sunscreen stained)
• tan lines
• chigger bites
• mosquito bites
• sore muscles
• sweet memories
• new friends
• funny stories
• new experiences like climbing the rock wall and leading horses around to kids
• several Chick-fil-A sandwiches and Sonic drinks
• a couple icee pops
• a really great summer

Etsy Wish List

So, I saw this the other day on craftgossip.com and couldn't resist.  I love etsy, even have my own shop, and am always finding something I "need" on there.  So, here is a wishlist for me (kept under $100) and here's crossing my fingers that I win!

This daisy ring for $12 from lizhutnick because I love daisies and I love chunky rings.

Hat from BoringSidney (although I want a bunch more of these because I adore hats) because it's a great church hat.  ($55)

Custom stamp from cupcaketree.  I love stamps and think it would be neat to have all of hers-- they're so cute!  This one would come in handy for signing my work, though.  $12.

Earrings because I want to replace the strawberry earrings I lost ($8) from baublesbeads.

Decoration for the bedroom wall from JazzyGraphics for $10.

If my math is right, that only leaves me with $3.  I could probably find something else for $3 that I loved, but don't have anything off the top of my head right now so we'll just go with that.  Love me some etsy!

Faith

I've been thinking a lot lately about me.  Not in a self-centered way, but in an analyzing way.  I'm evaluating how I am, where I am spiritually and physically compared to where I want to be.  I'm not perfect.  I know that better than I know almost anything else.  But I'm a lot different from where I was a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago, etc.  Even though I still have little niggles of worry -- when will my husband get his teaching job (because I really do believe it's going to happen despite the fact that some schools are starting next week); will I ever get the chance to be pregnant; could I be pregnant now; how will I ever again find the time to clean my house; how are we going to get my car up to standards to pass inspection by October; when will God send my brother a better job so he can feel more comfortable getting married in April; etc -- they don't really take over my life like they did for a while.  Yes, I pray about them.  I pray a lot more now than I used to.  Every time I feel a worry start to gnaw at me I start praying and don't stop until I can feel a little better about it.  I pray in stolen moments during work when there is a short lull in the kids asking questions or demanding I pay attention to the new "trick" they can do in the pool.  I pray while driving -- and no, I do not close my eyes!  I pray myself to sleep at night.  And it works.  I'm not braggin on anyone but God because I know He's the one who is helping me get through everything.  And as I've been evaluating myself, I've noticed something wonderful:  I've developed my own faith.  When you're young, you sort of just believe whatever your parents tell you.  When you get to college, you start to question some of it, but maybe not much because it's comfortable.  But when life throws you enough curve balls, you really have to analyze and figure out what you truly believe in and can trust.  And even though I haven't always seen eye to eye with the way God has worked things out for us over the last few years, He HAS worked them out for us.  And where I couldn't see it as well before, I can see it a little better now.  And while I wouldn't want to go back and relive it, I'm glad I did live it because it made me closer to my Father God and I know I can trust Him.  I've been asking Him for some time to help us make ends meet, to help us find the money we need.  He helped me get this summer job, I still have my after-school job which will start up again next week, and I just got a job as a preschool teacher on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, too.  When Jeremy gets his teaching job, we'll have enough to live on and maybe can even start paying down some of the debt we've accumulated over the last year.  I'm trying not to count any chickens before they hatch, but I can't help but feel optimistic as I look over how life is going right now.  The only downer is seeing how depressed and stressed my husband is as he continues to search for a job that still hasn't shown itself yet.  We still need prayers that it will come soon, and I pray that I can be the wife he needs right now to help support him through what feels like the home stretch.  And I thank God for helping me develop a stronger faith through this instead of losing my faith like I could have.