Faith

I've been thinking a lot lately about me.  Not in a self-centered way, but in an analyzing way.  I'm evaluating how I am, where I am spiritually and physically compared to where I want to be.  I'm not perfect.  I know that better than I know almost anything else.  But I'm a lot different from where I was a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago, etc.  Even though I still have little niggles of worry -- when will my husband get his teaching job (because I really do believe it's going to happen despite the fact that some schools are starting next week); will I ever get the chance to be pregnant; could I be pregnant now; how will I ever again find the time to clean my house; how are we going to get my car up to standards to pass inspection by October; when will God send my brother a better job so he can feel more comfortable getting married in April; etc -- they don't really take over my life like they did for a while.  Yes, I pray about them.  I pray a lot more now than I used to.  Every time I feel a worry start to gnaw at me I start praying and don't stop until I can feel a little better about it.  I pray in stolen moments during work when there is a short lull in the kids asking questions or demanding I pay attention to the new "trick" they can do in the pool.  I pray while driving -- and no, I do not close my eyes!  I pray myself to sleep at night.  And it works.  I'm not braggin on anyone but God because I know He's the one who is helping me get through everything.  And as I've been evaluating myself, I've noticed something wonderful:  I've developed my own faith.  When you're young, you sort of just believe whatever your parents tell you.  When you get to college, you start to question some of it, but maybe not much because it's comfortable.  But when life throws you enough curve balls, you really have to analyze and figure out what you truly believe in and can trust.  And even though I haven't always seen eye to eye with the way God has worked things out for us over the last few years, He HAS worked them out for us.  And where I couldn't see it as well before, I can see it a little better now.  And while I wouldn't want to go back and relive it, I'm glad I did live it because it made me closer to my Father God and I know I can trust Him.  I've been asking Him for some time to help us make ends meet, to help us find the money we need.  He helped me get this summer job, I still have my after-school job which will start up again next week, and I just got a job as a preschool teacher on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, too.  When Jeremy gets his teaching job, we'll have enough to live on and maybe can even start paying down some of the debt we've accumulated over the last year.  I'm trying not to count any chickens before they hatch, but I can't help but feel optimistic as I look over how life is going right now.  The only downer is seeing how depressed and stressed my husband is as he continues to search for a job that still hasn't shown itself yet.  We still need prayers that it will come soon, and I pray that I can be the wife he needs right now to help support him through what feels like the home stretch.  And I thank God for helping me develop a stronger faith through this instead of losing my faith like I could have.