Going Down Again

So, lately, my roller coaster feels like it's been going down again.  I had forgotten what I was like on birth control.  Sort of like I don't have complete control over myself at all.  It affects my emotions.  It affects my memory.  It affects my body, obviously.  I guess in some ways it makes sense as the way birth control works is to trick your body into thinking it is already pregnant so it doesn't release an egg.  So, obviously, that's going to make my body act like it's pregnant, sort of.  I guess.  Maybe.  I don't know.  I just know I hate feeling out of control.
Meanwhile, I had my birthday two weeks ago.  Yay.  I threw myself a tea party. I couldn't think of anything I would like better . . . and I was right.
I'm still holding onto my faith, but God and I have had several teary conversations lately.  I've been trying to hold onto the belief that my sweet husband will find a teaching job, but as we're getting several weeks into school, it's not looking as good, and it's hard to hold onto that hope.  I don't want him to know I'm waivering in my faith.  I'm trying to keep up a good front for him.  It just really felt like everything was falling into place and now, I'm just not so sure.  It's like part of me desperately wants for him to get a better job so he can be happy and make more money.  The other part of me mostly wants it so we can go ahead and start fertility treatments.  I'm trying so hard to not focus on any of this.  After all, I'm trying to do four different jobs -- my after-school care job, my preschool job, my home sales job, and my sewing and jewelry-making.  *sigh*  I think I need a few more hours in my days.  But I'd probably just spend them worrying instead of using them for anything useful.