I turned 31 around 3:25 this afternoon. I woke up in a terrible funk over it. I don't know why 31 sounded so much worse than 30 did. Although I should probably go back and see how horrible I thought 30 was going to be. And it wasn't all horrible.
I didn't get the two main birthday presents I wanted: to be pregnant and get published. But maybe we're a few steps closer to both.
We started year seven of trying to get pregnant, and round 3 of combo-cycle IUI. Those are both lucky numbers, right?
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
How I'm Doing
I've had several people ask how I am doing lately. I have been meaning to post on here several times over the last few weeks, but just didn't sit down and do it. So, this post may be a little bit of a conglomeration of different things I've been thinking about over the last few weeks. You've been warned.
For those of you who have never been to a fertility clinic, let me try to describe what it feels like to sit in the waiting room. It is quiet, with just a few whispered conversations between couples. There is a mix of hope, despair, last resorts, trepidation, nervousness. You try not to meet anyone's eyes, even though you are going through something similar. There's just something about not wanting people to know you have to go to such a place to accomplish something that is supposed to come naturally. You flip through a magazine you really don't care anything about just so you can be distracted about whatever is about to happen behind the doors. It's not fun.
We're back to waiting again, and the closer we get to knowing whether it worked or not, the more I almost don't want to know. If I don't know for sure, I can hold on to the hope that this was the time. This was the one that stuck. I have a job that allows me way too much time to think, and the last few days of work I've caught myself playing different scenarios in my head. Some of them end with me finding out I'm pregnant. And some don't . . . and I almost cry, even though it's just my imagination at this point. I think of everything we've been through, the waiting every month is really the hardest part. It's a lot like sitting in that waiting room, with all the emotions flowing through you.
The farther into this we get, the more I just tell people what we're going through. It's amazing how much I used to be embarrassed to talk about certain things and now I'm spouting details most people probably didn't want to know in the first place. I have to catch myself and stop before I give too many details. It's amazing how much you change when going through things like this . . . become someone you never imagined you would be, but maybe is better than what you were aiming for in the first place. I'd like to think so anyway.
My faith has really struggled with this cycle. Something I thought I had gotten past. I've really been fighting with being able to trust God with this. How sad is that? He is in charge of everything and I can't even trust Him to bless me with something so "simple." I'm having trouble letting go and giving it to Him. I pray about it, but then I still sit and worry about it some more. And yes, I know, worrying isn't good for someone trying to get pregnant. Yeah. That helps a lot.
Anyway, that's a little bit of how I am right now. I'm a mess. But I'm fighting to not be quite so much of a mess.
For those of you who have never been to a fertility clinic, let me try to describe what it feels like to sit in the waiting room. It is quiet, with just a few whispered conversations between couples. There is a mix of hope, despair, last resorts, trepidation, nervousness. You try not to meet anyone's eyes, even though you are going through something similar. There's just something about not wanting people to know you have to go to such a place to accomplish something that is supposed to come naturally. You flip through a magazine you really don't care anything about just so you can be distracted about whatever is about to happen behind the doors. It's not fun.
We're back to waiting again, and the closer we get to knowing whether it worked or not, the more I almost don't want to know. If I don't know for sure, I can hold on to the hope that this was the time. This was the one that stuck. I have a job that allows me way too much time to think, and the last few days of work I've caught myself playing different scenarios in my head. Some of them end with me finding out I'm pregnant. And some don't . . . and I almost cry, even though it's just my imagination at this point. I think of everything we've been through, the waiting every month is really the hardest part. It's a lot like sitting in that waiting room, with all the emotions flowing through you.
The farther into this we get, the more I just tell people what we're going through. It's amazing how much I used to be embarrassed to talk about certain things and now I'm spouting details most people probably didn't want to know in the first place. I have to catch myself and stop before I give too many details. It's amazing how much you change when going through things like this . . . become someone you never imagined you would be, but maybe is better than what you were aiming for in the first place. I'd like to think so anyway.
My faith has really struggled with this cycle. Something I thought I had gotten past. I've really been fighting with being able to trust God with this. How sad is that? He is in charge of everything and I can't even trust Him to bless me with something so "simple." I'm having trouble letting go and giving it to Him. I pray about it, but then I still sit and worry about it some more. And yes, I know, worrying isn't good for someone trying to get pregnant. Yeah. That helps a lot.
Anyway, that's a little bit of how I am right now. I'm a mess. But I'm fighting to not be quite so much of a mess.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
What's Been Going On
So, it's been a while since I last posted. Sorry about that. Life sort of got crazy lately.
We went through our first cycle of IUI. I was able to give myself shots without freaking out or anything. All the sonograms were great and I had a follicle 23mm! That's the biggest I've ever had that I know about. Everything looked good, but it didn't work.
We went to Oklahoma a couple weekends ago to celebrate the life of my grandfather. He passed away peacefully, sleeping in his recliner . . . exactly how I always thought he would. ALL of my cousins and their kids and most of their spouses made it to the funeral so we had 39 of the 41 members of our family crammed into Grandma's house. The funeral was sweet with lots of fun memories shared. He had requested that they play a recording of our family singing and it was weird to sit and listen to myself. But special. And those of us who were still there Saturday sat and sang together once again. Grandpa would have loved it. And we're all going to miss him a bunch!
We headed east on vacation last weekend. We lost the air conditioning in the car a little over halfway across Louisiana. I got the call that I wasn't pregnant shortly after we hit Alabama. I was literally a hot mess when we finally got to my sister's house. We spent several days with her, went to Jeremy's cousin's wedding, headed up to see my other Grandma in middle TN, and then to Memphis a few days to hang out with Jeremy's family. It was sort of a crazy trip that didn't go quite like I had planned, but I don't know what I would have changed except the whole air conditioning debacle.
By the time we got back to Texas, we were thinking we needed to just replace my car since it was going to cost a whopping $1500 to fix the A/C. It wasn't our plan. We were hoping to have the credit card paid off first, but by the time we got the car to the dealership to just see what we could get, it was smoking from another issue and we figured it was time to say good-bye to my very first car. It was my dream car, a Jeep Grand Cherokee we purchased shortly after we got married. We had 206,000 miles on that thing by the time we traded it in.
Now, I have a 2008 Hyundai Santa Fe with moon roof and seat warmers, a CD player, and several other bells and whistles. And a car payment starting in September. Sigh. It's nice, but I am still upset that we had to do it right now.
I went to work Friday and wished the whole day that I had just taken one more day off. Oh well. I survived. Then, Friday night we drove to Dallas again and stayed with my cousin. Then, up early Saturday for the sonogram to get this cycle started. We're still not sure what this next weekend will hold until the nurse can talk to my doctor, but we know we'll be driving back and forth to Dallas at least once this weekend. I really just want to stay home for a few weeks and not go anywhere. So tired!
I'm just feeling really worn down right now. I figure I'm probably slightly depressed and partly catching up still from all the going we've been doing lately. Not much chance to rest this weekend, though, because we have a Gospel Meeting starting Wednesday night and a VBS Saturday (which we will probably miss due to dr appts in Dallas -- a HUGE bummer for me because I LOVE VBS). My faith is dipping and waivering some lately, but I'm clenching onto it with my fingernails, trying to remember all the good things in my life, and trying to work out some other things. I refuse to let Satan take the promise of Heaven from me. Too many people I love are going to be there for me to not aim for it, too.
We went through our first cycle of IUI. I was able to give myself shots without freaking out or anything. All the sonograms were great and I had a follicle 23mm! That's the biggest I've ever had that I know about. Everything looked good, but it didn't work.
We went to Oklahoma a couple weekends ago to celebrate the life of my grandfather. He passed away peacefully, sleeping in his recliner . . . exactly how I always thought he would. ALL of my cousins and their kids and most of their spouses made it to the funeral so we had 39 of the 41 members of our family crammed into Grandma's house. The funeral was sweet with lots of fun memories shared. He had requested that they play a recording of our family singing and it was weird to sit and listen to myself. But special. And those of us who were still there Saturday sat and sang together once again. Grandpa would have loved it. And we're all going to miss him a bunch!
We headed east on vacation last weekend. We lost the air conditioning in the car a little over halfway across Louisiana. I got the call that I wasn't pregnant shortly after we hit Alabama. I was literally a hot mess when we finally got to my sister's house. We spent several days with her, went to Jeremy's cousin's wedding, headed up to see my other Grandma in middle TN, and then to Memphis a few days to hang out with Jeremy's family. It was sort of a crazy trip that didn't go quite like I had planned, but I don't know what I would have changed except the whole air conditioning debacle.
By the time we got back to Texas, we were thinking we needed to just replace my car since it was going to cost a whopping $1500 to fix the A/C. It wasn't our plan. We were hoping to have the credit card paid off first, but by the time we got the car to the dealership to just see what we could get, it was smoking from another issue and we figured it was time to say good-bye to my very first car. It was my dream car, a Jeep Grand Cherokee we purchased shortly after we got married. We had 206,000 miles on that thing by the time we traded it in.
Now, I have a 2008 Hyundai Santa Fe with moon roof and seat warmers, a CD player, and several other bells and whistles. And a car payment starting in September. Sigh. It's nice, but I am still upset that we had to do it right now.
I went to work Friday and wished the whole day that I had just taken one more day off. Oh well. I survived. Then, Friday night we drove to Dallas again and stayed with my cousin. Then, up early Saturday for the sonogram to get this cycle started. We're still not sure what this next weekend will hold until the nurse can talk to my doctor, but we know we'll be driving back and forth to Dallas at least once this weekend. I really just want to stay home for a few weeks and not go anywhere. So tired!
I'm just feeling really worn down right now. I figure I'm probably slightly depressed and partly catching up still from all the going we've been doing lately. Not much chance to rest this weekend, though, because we have a Gospel Meeting starting Wednesday night and a VBS Saturday (which we will probably miss due to dr appts in Dallas -- a HUGE bummer for me because I LOVE VBS). My faith is dipping and waivering some lately, but I'm clenching onto it with my fingernails, trying to remember all the good things in my life, and trying to work out some other things. I refuse to let Satan take the promise of Heaven from me. Too many people I love are going to be there for me to not aim for it, too.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Reality Sinking In
The FedEx man came today. He brought a box with ice packs . . . and drugs. $425 worth of fertility drugs. Half are in my fridge now, waiting for my new cycle. It makes it a little more real, ya know?
I keep dreaming I'm pregnant. When I mention that, people are usually like, but isn't that good? Sure. Until I wake up. . . and am no longer pregnant. *sigh*
I caught myself thinking, "What if this doesn't work the first cycle? Will be in the middle of our vacation when it's time to be heading back and forth to Dallas again?" I had to stop and force myself to stop thinking about it. What's the point of going through all this if I can't hope it will work? Easier said than done.
On a side note, they've discovered a spot of cancer on my grandfather's brain so now not only will he be doing chemo for the spots he still has on his lungs that won't go away, but he'll add radiation for the spot on his brain. Last time I saw him, he had lost so much weight that his dentures looked too big for his face. My aunt says when she walked in to their house a couple weeks ago, she thought, "Well, there's Dad's shadow, but where is Dad?" I'm trying to brace myself. It's not easy.
I keep dreaming I'm pregnant. When I mention that, people are usually like, but isn't that good? Sure. Until I wake up. . . and am no longer pregnant. *sigh*
I caught myself thinking, "What if this doesn't work the first cycle? Will be in the middle of our vacation when it's time to be heading back and forth to Dallas again?" I had to stop and force myself to stop thinking about it. What's the point of going through all this if I can't hope it will work? Easier said than done.
On a side note, they've discovered a spot of cancer on my grandfather's brain so now not only will he be doing chemo for the spots he still has on his lungs that won't go away, but he'll add radiation for the spot on his brain. Last time I saw him, he had lost so much weight that his dentures looked too big for his face. My aunt says when she walked in to their house a couple weeks ago, she thought, "Well, there's Dad's shadow, but where is Dad?" I'm trying to brace myself. It's not easy.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I'm Going Crazy
Have I ever told you how much I hate birth control? I abhor it. It does bad things to me. I'm emotionally a wreck, have a bad case of the munchies ALL THE TIME, and this time it's keeping me from sleeping well. Serious insomnia. Jeremy keeps asking me how many more days we have to be on the pill (just a few more now). I'm definitely ready to not be so grumpy all the time (and am sure my coworkers feel the same way).
I'm also ready to put our plan into action now that we have one. All the tests have come back normal and fine. Genetics, estrogen, HSG screening, etc. Which also begs the question, "So why isn't it working?" But that question aside, let's get this going and see if it works or not. Also, I need to go ahead and face my fear of stabbing a needle in my belly. Because the more I think about it, the more terrified I am.
I have a huge stack of stuff ready to take to my sister in July for her baby girl she's having in August. I sort of think I've been focusing on getting things like that ready so that I don't focus on the fact that I'm NOT having a baby still.
And tomorrow is Father's day. Another hard one. Because I want so desperately to make Jeremy a daddy. The other day, I woke up to the sound of him getting in the shower and the thought that ran through my head was, "Daddy's up." I don't think I've ever referred to him that way before, but it sounded so right.
So, we'll keep praying and hoping and trucking along as we wait a little longer and put this plan into action over the next few weeks.
I'm also ready to put our plan into action now that we have one. All the tests have come back normal and fine. Genetics, estrogen, HSG screening, etc. Which also begs the question, "So why isn't it working?" But that question aside, let's get this going and see if it works or not. Also, I need to go ahead and face my fear of stabbing a needle in my belly. Because the more I think about it, the more terrified I am.
I have a huge stack of stuff ready to take to my sister in July for her baby girl she's having in August. I sort of think I've been focusing on getting things like that ready so that I don't focus on the fact that I'm NOT having a baby still.
And tomorrow is Father's day. Another hard one. Because I want so desperately to make Jeremy a daddy. The other day, I woke up to the sound of him getting in the shower and the thought that ran through my head was, "Daddy's up." I don't think I've ever referred to him that way before, but it sounded so right.
So, we'll keep praying and hoping and trucking along as we wait a little longer and put this plan into action over the next few weeks.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
A plan
So, it's been a while since I posted anything on here. The last month hasn't gone exactly to plan. We made it through cycle six and still no pregnancy. Yesterday, we drove to the Dallas area to visit with a reproductive endocrinologist. He was very straight-forward with us, no icing on the cake. He pointed out that obviously the clomid wasn't working just by itself. I'm going in tomorrow for an HSG Screening to find out if I have any blockages. If everything is clear, we'll start something new this next cycle. He has me on birth control until then to keep me regulated. Once the new cycle starts, I'll go in for a sonogram between days 1 and 5 to make sure there are no cysts or anything. I'll start clomid again (it was working a little so we'll keep it in the plan for now). Then, days 7, 9 and 11, I'll get to inject another drug into my belly. This drug will help grow more and larger eggs. On day 12, we'll head back for another sonogram to make sure everything is working. If it is, they'll inject one more drug in me which will actually force my ovaries to release the egg(s) so that we won't have to wonder when I'm ovulating. The next day, we'll do IUI (intrauterine insemination). Then, he wants me on progesterone after that to help make everything keep working like it should. Whew!
I keep reminding myself that I wanted a more aggressive plan than what we had been doing, but I wasn't really anxious to start injectables. This sort of takes all the fun out of making a baby, but we're just hoping it will work. There is only one more step between this plan and IVF, and I don't want to go down that road (that's another post I haven't written yet). So, that's where we are right now. If you want to know how I'm doing mentally, I honestly am not sure. I think I'm a little overwhelmed, but slightly heartened, too, because it feels like we're not just sitting still anymore. And, this is sort of the plan that got put on hold when Jeremy lost his job four years ago, so we're really just catching up with ourselves.
Now, one foot in front of the other and get through the rest of tonight (hoping I sleep despite thinking about what I'll have to do tomorrow), and tomorrow morning. And then go from there.
I keep reminding myself that I wanted a more aggressive plan than what we had been doing, but I wasn't really anxious to start injectables. This sort of takes all the fun out of making a baby, but we're just hoping it will work. There is only one more step between this plan and IVF, and I don't want to go down that road (that's another post I haven't written yet). So, that's where we are right now. If you want to know how I'm doing mentally, I honestly am not sure. I think I'm a little overwhelmed, but slightly heartened, too, because it feels like we're not just sitting still anymore. And, this is sort of the plan that got put on hold when Jeremy lost his job four years ago, so we're really just catching up with ourselves.
Now, one foot in front of the other and get through the rest of tonight (hoping I sleep despite thinking about what I'll have to do tomorrow), and tomorrow morning. And then go from there.
Monday, April 1, 2013
It's Been a While
In case you're wondering, yes I'm still alive. Yes, I'm still not pregnant. It seems like it's taken over my thoughts more and more lately, even though I'm staying busy doing other things as well. I made myself a new dress for Easter . . . and then embroidered it . . . because I could. I've been commissioned to make a baseball baby quilt from my etsy shop so I'm busy starting to applique and embroider that. I'm helping host two wedding showers for girls at church and making baby things for the million and two people it seems like have wound up pregnant lately. Think they'd sell me some of their water?
By the way, my sister is having a girl so now I have to decide how many cute little things I can make for her before it's called spoiling. My sister is having a rough time of it, still dealing with morning sickness. But I know she wouldn't change it for the world. I would deal with it happily if it meant I was pregnant.
I'm on my fifth cycle. The doctor said six before we get sent to a reproductive endocrinologist. Meanwhile, my Grandma has had a dream about me that I'll have twin girls. Yeah. Not really wanting to think about that either.
This post is sort of meandering, but I really just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know I'm still muddling through. I'm taking Pregnitude along with doing the Clomid and I don't know if it's doing any good or not. It can't hurt, though.
I noticed that my prayers changed toward the middle of the last cycle. I had been praying -- let's change that to begging and pleading -- for God to let me have a baby. It seemed for a while like that's all my prayers were. Then, as I got more toward the middle of the cycle, I noticed I was praying more like this: please let me not be jealous of the girls who are pregnant and bless them with healthy safe pregnancies, please give me your strength and peace no matter what comes, and please help my unbelief.
I'm not saying I'm super-Christian now. Far from it. I'm still struggling with jealousy and doubt and I still beg God for what I want. But maybe I'm one step closer to where I want to be in my walk with God.
By the way, my sister is having a girl so now I have to decide how many cute little things I can make for her before it's called spoiling. My sister is having a rough time of it, still dealing with morning sickness. But I know she wouldn't change it for the world. I would deal with it happily if it meant I was pregnant.
I'm on my fifth cycle. The doctor said six before we get sent to a reproductive endocrinologist. Meanwhile, my Grandma has had a dream about me that I'll have twin girls. Yeah. Not really wanting to think about that either.
This post is sort of meandering, but I really just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know I'm still muddling through. I'm taking Pregnitude along with doing the Clomid and I don't know if it's doing any good or not. It can't hurt, though.
I noticed that my prayers changed toward the middle of the last cycle. I had been praying -- let's change that to begging and pleading -- for God to let me have a baby. It seemed for a while like that's all my prayers were. Then, as I got more toward the middle of the cycle, I noticed I was praying more like this: please let me not be jealous of the girls who are pregnant and bless them with healthy safe pregnancies, please give me your strength and peace no matter what comes, and please help my unbelief.
I'm not saying I'm super-Christian now. Far from it. I'm still struggling with jealousy and doubt and I still beg God for what I want. But maybe I'm one step closer to where I want to be in my walk with God.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Announcement
I haven't been allowed to say anything since Christmas because they wanted to keep it a secret for a while, but my sister is pregnant. She's due August 20th. They've been married for less years than Jeremy and I have been trying to get pregnant. I knew before-hand that they were talking about starting to try sometime in the near future. But I had no idea that they had actually started trying until our family get-together at Christmas when she hands both me and my brother a card we have to open at the same time. It was her, standing in front of a sign in London, that says something about seats being reserved for disabled or pregnant people. It was a huge shock. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a minute. Somewhere, way deep down around my toenails, I was really happy for her. Unfortunately, that feeling didn't make it to my face. I didn't give her the reaction I wanted to be able to give her. I didn't cry . . . much . . . right then. But it was about the same time that I was having to take my clomid so I was already frustrated with everything and all I could think about was that it was supposed to be me. I'm the older sister. I've been married longer. I've been TTC longer. Why couldn't it be me, too? It would have been so much fun to be pregnant at the same time as my sister.
Jeremy didn't pick up on what was going on right away so it didn't hit him as quickly. And then I think he was trying to be strong for me, but not sure what to do. My sister-in-law didn't realize the whole struggle Jeremy and I have been through so she was gushing and asking questions. We were at my brother's townhouse and I had nowhere to go. I had to sit there and hold it in.
Jeremy and I cried for ourselves that night, trying to figure out exactly what we were thinking and feeling. We drove home the next day and so had lots of time to hash it out as we made the journey west from TN to TX. Somewhere around the middle of Arkansas, I started to come to grips with it. I do like the name Aunt Amy. And I have all sorts of cute ideas of things I can make for this niece or nephew. I'm just sad for myself.
I called my sister several days later and apologized for not giving her the reaction I wanted to be able to give her. I wanted to jump up and hug her neck and squeal with joy and gush like my sister-in-law did, but I physically couldn't. I told her a lot of the things I was feeling and going through. She had been a little worried about how I would take it and had even asked Mom and Dad how she should tell me. They reassured her that I would be happy for her, but would also be sad.
Most days I'm doing okay with the thought of it. But I still have down days. And with her making the public announcement on facebook yesterday, today was sort of hard. It doesn't help that I'm exhausted because I work all the time and don't stop to rest . . . and was up early this morning. And I'm hormonal . . . because I'm hormonal all the time!
My bittersweet announcement. Wasn't what you were expecting, was it? Me, either.
Jeremy didn't pick up on what was going on right away so it didn't hit him as quickly. And then I think he was trying to be strong for me, but not sure what to do. My sister-in-law didn't realize the whole struggle Jeremy and I have been through so she was gushing and asking questions. We were at my brother's townhouse and I had nowhere to go. I had to sit there and hold it in.
Jeremy and I cried for ourselves that night, trying to figure out exactly what we were thinking and feeling. We drove home the next day and so had lots of time to hash it out as we made the journey west from TN to TX. Somewhere around the middle of Arkansas, I started to come to grips with it. I do like the name Aunt Amy. And I have all sorts of cute ideas of things I can make for this niece or nephew. I'm just sad for myself.
I called my sister several days later and apologized for not giving her the reaction I wanted to be able to give her. I wanted to jump up and hug her neck and squeal with joy and gush like my sister-in-law did, but I physically couldn't. I told her a lot of the things I was feeling and going through. She had been a little worried about how I would take it and had even asked Mom and Dad how she should tell me. They reassured her that I would be happy for her, but would also be sad.
Most days I'm doing okay with the thought of it. But I still have down days. And with her making the public announcement on facebook yesterday, today was sort of hard. It doesn't help that I'm exhausted because I work all the time and don't stop to rest . . . and was up early this morning. And I'm hormonal . . . because I'm hormonal all the time!
My bittersweet announcement. Wasn't what you were expecting, was it? Me, either.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Lost
Do you ever just feel lost? It's not so much that you don't know exactly where you are, but more a case of you don't really know how you got there? That's the way I feel.
I know where I am. I'm working full-time for a job I don't hate but don't necessarily love either. I'm sitting on about three manuscripts I want to get published, but not sure how to get them that way. I'm 5 years past when I wanted to start having children. I'm living in a tiny apartment where I can usually find what I'm looking for but which we never completely unpacked because we didn't have room . . . and now seem to have less room. I'm married to a great guy, but sometimes it feels like we're just taking turns fighting this battle of infertility. I'm frustrated and down-hearted, but trying to be positive and think "it's only been two months of 100mg clomid. The doctor said we'd try for 6 months before giving up and going to something else." But every month is another heart-ache . . . and I've done the math. Assuming I have about 11 periods a year (this is assuming a lot since I'm not anything close to regular when I'm not on some sort of pill), my heart has been broken over the same thing close to sixty times now. And I keep picking up all the little tiny pieces and fitting them back together, taping them up again, hoping the glue will hold this time. I'm not giving up. I'm just trying to find a reason not to.
I was talking to a friend the other night who went through infertility and ended up adopting. She told me that they started out with the plan of adoption if everything else didn't work out. Their child is perfect for their family. Just what God had planned. And she said it helped her to remind herself that even if they didn't have a child "naturally," she would end up with a child no matter what because she knew she had that other route. Jeremy and I have always talked about adopting a kid or two eventually. We just never really thought it might be more something we needed to do to have kids at all. So, it is an option for us. And I know we'll have a child (or more) eventually. I don't know how or when or anything else that might resemble a detail. But I know that much.
I just need a map to get me from here . . . to there.
I know where I am. I'm working full-time for a job I don't hate but don't necessarily love either. I'm sitting on about three manuscripts I want to get published, but not sure how to get them that way. I'm 5 years past when I wanted to start having children. I'm living in a tiny apartment where I can usually find what I'm looking for but which we never completely unpacked because we didn't have room . . . and now seem to have less room. I'm married to a great guy, but sometimes it feels like we're just taking turns fighting this battle of infertility. I'm frustrated and down-hearted, but trying to be positive and think "it's only been two months of 100mg clomid. The doctor said we'd try for 6 months before giving up and going to something else." But every month is another heart-ache . . . and I've done the math. Assuming I have about 11 periods a year (this is assuming a lot since I'm not anything close to regular when I'm not on some sort of pill), my heart has been broken over the same thing close to sixty times now. And I keep picking up all the little tiny pieces and fitting them back together, taping them up again, hoping the glue will hold this time. I'm not giving up. I'm just trying to find a reason not to.
I was talking to a friend the other night who went through infertility and ended up adopting. She told me that they started out with the plan of adoption if everything else didn't work out. Their child is perfect for their family. Just what God had planned. And she said it helped her to remind herself that even if they didn't have a child "naturally," she would end up with a child no matter what because she knew she had that other route. Jeremy and I have always talked about adopting a kid or two eventually. We just never really thought it might be more something we needed to do to have kids at all. So, it is an option for us. And I know we'll have a child (or more) eventually. I don't know how or when or anything else that might resemble a detail. But I know that much.
I just need a map to get me from here . . . to there.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Holding Pattern
You know how annoying it is when you're in a plane, flying in circles, waiting for the airport to say you can land? That's sort of how I feel about my whole life right now. Like I'm just flying in circles waiting for the go-ahead. I hate this part of the month, where I can't really do anything else to further my desire for mommy-hood except just wait and pray. And so, right now, every prayer I say starts with, "Please God, please let it have worked this time."
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