I've been struggling in worship. I don't really want to be there. I sing the songs, but for the most part don't listen to what I'm saying. I don't pay much attention to the sermon at all. I'd like to blame it all on the fact that our preacher doesn't dig very deep when he preaches and I like more "meat" in my sermons. I'd like to blame on the distractions around me. But I came to the conclusion yesterday that it's my fault. I finally looked at some of the words I'd been singing for years. I listened to what I was saying and realized that I hadn't been meaning it in my life. Instead of thanking God for the blessings He gives me over and over again . . . more than I'll ever need . . . I'm focusing on the one thing I don't have.
I was talking with Jeremy about it last night and told him that. He glanced at me (he was driving and couldn't give me a full look) and said, "Sometimes I wonder if you really need me to be your spiritual leader. You seem to do a good job of it by yourself."
So, I guess I'm going to start trying to take care of the problem. I know I have it and that's the next step, right? I need to thank God for my blessings. I have plenty. And I need to give the rest to Him. That's the hardest part for me. The very hardest. I'm not good at letting go and letting God.
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I was a hostess at a baby shower yesterday and sat next to the happy couple to write down their gifts for them. We all oohed and ahhed over the cute little clothes and toys. And I was asked again if Jeremy and I were thinking of having kids. That's a hard question for me. If I say "yes" they want details. If I say "no" I lie. I think I just gave them a crooked smile.
Someone else noticed my "blues." She sent me an email today saying she had noticed I seemed to be in a sad place and wondered if it was about wanting a baby. Do I need to try harder to look happy? Or just go ahead and admit to the rest of the world the struggles we're going through right now? I'm obviously not hiding my emotions very well lately.
I'm not trying to make anyone sad with my posts. I'm sort of just thinking out loud.
No one is meant to handle their problems on their own. That was part of God's incredible plan for community. We share our sorrows and our joys and in doing it, it makes them both better! So, I think sharing your heart with others, especially others in your church or Christian friends, is what the Lord wants you to do. Who knows how HE will work through THEM to bless YOU! Don't feel like you have to pretend. I think that only makes it worse for you and doesn't allow others prayers to work on your behalf! We are called to "rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep." I think rejoicing with your friends for their blessings and allowing them to weep with you over your sorrows is a very Godly and wonderful thing to experience! The tables will be turned one day and you will be the one being rejoiced with! That moment will be so sweet.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts on worship and thankfulness, as well. I tend to have a "grass is greener" mentality about my life and so many times fail to see the blessings right in front of my face! Thank you for reminding me of that...and most of all to be thankful!
Sorry I posted a whole new entry:) I just want you to feel encouraged!