Just a Little Uplift

George sits on my dresser. He's waiting for a baby, too. I put him there to remind me to not give up.

It dawned on me last night that I will be at least 27 when I have a child. When we first got married, my goal was 25. I don't know why, but it just bothered me.

This week/year (I know it hasn't been that long, but still. . .) has been hard for both of us. I've tried to hold back on being too negative, because I know you guys are probably tired of hearing about all these negative things in my life. It's not all bad, I promise. I do usually laugh at least once a day.

Jeremy sat in the faculty meeting Monday and listened to them talk about the teacher who just had their third child -- and about the principal's wife who has preeclampsia, but is at 30 weeks so could have the baby any day now. And he struggled to keep a straight face and not show how much it was bothering him. Both of us seem to feel it harder this time around because we really thought it might have happened this last time.

Every time I get a period, it's not just the annoying "That time of the month" feeling for me. I basically feel like I'm losing a child. Every time. I'm not trying to break anyone's heart, but that's the way it feels. And my heart is broken right now.

It's gotten to the point where I'm asking God in my prayers what I have to do to meet His requirements for me to have a child. I feel like we're the most stable we've ever been and even have a nursery we could get ready at the drop of a hat. Instead, everyone around me is having a child, including teenagers or unwed movie stars (so they aren't really AROUND me, per se, but I still have to hear about it). It's so frustrating and maddening and confusing.

I've finally picked the Bible back up to read through again. I skipped a couple of years and have been missing it. This is my fifth or sixth time to read it all the way through, and every time, I seem to find something I missed the previous times. Anyway, I've been reading through Genesis. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel all had trouble conceiving. Did you know that? I joked to Jeremy last night that Rebekah hadn't been able to conceive, so Isaac prayed for her and she had twins. I told him not to pray that hard. It was a joke, but it felt good to be able to joke about it.

You're probably wondering why I titled this "uplifting". I was in the car with Amber, my co-worker, on Monday while we shopped for craft supplies for Extended Care. I don't think she'll mind me sharing this. We were talking about me starting and how bummed I was. And she said that she was jealous of me -- she with her three beautiful children. I couldn't believe it so I waited to hear why. She got pregnant at 19, unexpectedly, and had easy pregnancies. She took them for granted and didn't really enjoy them like she wishes she had now. She said that I'm trying so hard and long and wanting it so much that when it does happen, I won't be taking any of it for granted. And she is jealous of it.

No one had ever said that to me. No one had ever pointed out that aspect of it. And it did help to hear it. It doesn't change my desire to keep bursting into tears or the fact that I have to start taking stronger medicine tonight. But it does help to know all of you are praying for me, and that you keep my hope alive. Thank you for that. This sounds weird, but I can't wait for morning sickness and swollen feet and a big, fat belly. And I hope she's right and that I won't take it for granted.

I promised a picture of the necklace Jeremy gave me for Christmas, and I'm afraid my camera isn't very good, so hopefully you can see how lovely it is from this picture below. On really bad days, I make sure I'm wearing it so I can remember how much he loves me, too. Because that's one of the best things in my life. And we'll keep working on the next best thing -- an extension of our love, a soul to cherish and bring up to love God, a child to share jokes and talents and interests with, a heritage.