I have to admit it. . . I've been the person I don't want to be this last week. I've been focused more on what I don't have than what I do. I've been thinking about how unfair it is that certain people can have babies while I can't. I've been making myself miserable and depressed. I didn't have to be this way. I didn't have to be grumpy. But I told myself I could be.
Last Sunday night, I found out my unwed, 20-year-old cousin is pregnant. I don't know about how your family works, but mine is pretty tight. My mom has a sister and two brothers. There are 13 of us grandchildren in all. This is the next-to-youngest. She had not been going to church regularly. Her boyfriend broke up with her when he found out about the baby. Her parents made her call our grandparents to admit the truth. My uncle called all his siblings to let them know and I found out through the grapevine.
I have to admit I was more mad than anything. How could God let her get pregnant in a situation which was wrong when I can't get pregnant in a situation that is right? That was the first thing running through my head. And I realize that I'm being very selfish. I can't imagine making bad choices and having to live with something like that for the rest of my life. I can't imagine having to admit to Grandpa and Grandma something like that. I can't imagine having a sin to take forward on a Sunday morning. But instead of thinking about her, I was thinking about myself more.
The next day, I was on facebook and noticed that one of my best friends is pregnant with her third child. She just had a baby back in June. How is this fair? I wondered. Part of me wanted to scream in frustration and tell her to stop it. A big part of my wants to jump up and down and yell and tell people to stop flaunting their fertility. Sounds sort of funny, right? But if I were in their shoes, would I stop having babies just because my friend couldn't have one? That's not fair, either. Whatever fair is.
One of my dear friends I work with handed me a card earlier this week. This is what was in it:
God's peace conquers fears (from Psalm 3)
O Lord, I'm overwhelmed by the enemies of my peace -- fear, doubt, despair.
I look at the situation I face and I hear malevolent voices whisper:
"God doesn't care."
"He won't answer your prayers."
"These problems aren't important to Him."
But then I recall your past protection --
the way you shielded me and held me up when I thought I was lost.
In my confusion and pain, I call to you again, Father, pouring out my heart in trembling words and aching sobs.
And once again you come to me with quiet, inexplainable peace that enfolds me like a comforting blanket.
In your presence I find rest, despite my problems.
You are the strength that takes me through each day.
Yours is the courage I claim in every fear-filled confrontation.
Together, You and I not only face my enemies but vanquish them.
I find in You the deliverance I seek.
May I always remain in this place of blessing, Father.
I don't want to be that person that no one wants to be around because she always talks about her infertility. I don't want to be that person who everyone is afraid to tell that they are pregnant because they don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want to be that person. I want to be God's person.
God, give me peace again, and help me to not be grumpy, but instead to be your light to the world! Amen.
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