Depressed

Isn't that what you are when you don't really feel like doing anything, don't want to get out of bed, eat chocolate all day long?  If so, then I am right now.  I keep thinking I'm going to shake it, but it is still lingering on.  Off to take a St. John's Wort to try and lift my spirits to get through each day . . .
I've been this way for a couple of weeks now.  Maybe that's why I haven't been blogging much until the last few days.  Not sure.  I just know that I don't like feeling like this.  And it's definitely not doing good things for my husband's attitude to have mine so bad all the time.
We had a great weekend last weekend, seeing my family and my brother's wedding, cooling off from the Texas heat, seeing some friends.  Why couldn't I be happy?  While we were there, we had some friends of ours that we "grew up" with (I put grew up in quotes because I grew up so many places that it's hard to know exactly where I did grow up).  She's a great-grandmother now.  Her granddaughter had a baby last December, has no idea who the father was, was doing drugs at the time, has no job, has no ambition besides finding more marijuana.  Now, this woman is getting custody of the baby in the next couple of weeks.  She's a beautiful little girl.  I really just wanted to pack her up and take her home with me, but the lady wasn't about to let someone else have her despite the fact that she's getting old enough she really doesn't need another little one to raise.  She's already had to mostly raise half her grandkids.  It just blows my mind that people like her granddaughter can get pregnant and I can't.
My sister has a bad attitude about our cousin who got pregnant out of wedlock.  It was almost surprising to me how mad she is at this girl.  The girl has gone forward and asked for forgiveness of the church and God.  It's not like she can take a big eraser and undo her mistakes.  I told my sister that she really needs to get over this because if I'm not mad at her for being pregnant, then she shouldn't be mad, either.  She said she'd be mad even if I weren't in this situation.
I keep making the mistake of getting on facebook to see what friends and family are up to.  Several babies have been born to my friends in the last week or so.  They're beautiful with tiny feet and tiny hands and I really want one.  Then, I noticed that a girl I used to work with who swore up and down that she never wanted to have kids, never wanted to get pregnant, is now gushing about how she is pregnant.  Of course she is.
There's a sweet family at church now who just moved to the area with their family from California and then the mother of the five children died from a brain anuerism and a heart attack.  Our congregation has stepped up in so many amazing ways to take care of this family -- food, money, childcare.  I was talking to my friend who is arranging all of the childcare and she was asking if I could work Friday mornings.  The only child I'd have would be the three-month-old.  And I said I wasn't sure I could.  For one thing, it terrifies me to think of taking care of someone else's baby.  I'm in such an emotional upheaval that I can't even look at facebook without crying half the time.  How am I going to go in there and hold and smell and feel someone else's child when I want one of my own so badly and not cry every time?
I hate this.

Cousins

One of the perks of last weekend was that we got to spend an extra day or so with my sister and her husband . . . and got to see one of Jeremy's cousins who lives in the same town as they do.  She informed Jeremy, though, that one of their other cousins is pregnant -- well, his wife is anyway.  Jeremy really had his heart set on being the first to give his grandparents a great-grandchild.  And this cousin and his wife aren't exactly trying to live like adults the last time we heard anything about them.  They're living with his parents and don't really have jobs and and and . . . it's not fair.  Jeremy was pretty quiet Sunday night while it sank in.  My heart's not much better right now.  I'm feeling like I've let him down because I'm unable to give him a child.

Wedding

Last weekend we went east to see my brother get married.  :-)  Now, all three of us siblings are married and Mom and Dad have three children-in-law.  That's a funny word, isn't it?
Anyway, it was definitely colder in TN than here in TX, but it was a great weekend and I didn't want to come back when we had to.
Attached are a few of my favorite pics from the weekend.

My idea.  The sisters kissing their little brother.

The groom plays with legos at the rehearsal dinner -- what?  You didn't decorate your rehearsal dinner with legos?

His face when his bride came in.

Our whole family now.

Grandma always does the wedding party in Barbies.  She's amazing like that.

I think I like this girl!  :-)

Grandma and Grandpa add their thumbprints and names to the guest picture.

Envy and Jealousy

I taught Ladies' Bible Class Wednesday before last.  My given topic was Envy, Jealousy and other related sins.  When I first saw the topic, I thought, "that will be easy."  Then, I forgot about it in the hecticness that is my life . . . until a couple weeks ago when it dawned on me that my turn to teach was coming up very shortly.  And I realized it might not be so easy after all.
As I read over the lesson again and again, I fought  myself, trying to decide if I should or should not bring up why I was jealous and envious of others.  I finally decided that I would.
So, I stood in front of a room full of women who love me . . . and I told them that not only was I envious of women whose husbands have jobs they love, but that I was also envious of women who were mothers.  Because I wasn't either of those things that I so desperately want to be.
And I cried . . . something I said I'd never do when I was teaching.
They all told me I did a great job after class, but it was definitely one of the hardest things I've done in a while.

Sometimes

Sometimes I go see how many times people have looked at my blog in the last week.  I'm not really sure who all reads it, although I know a few of you.  Whoever you are, thank you for stopping by to read my random thoughts.  I know this is mostly just an outlet for me, but I also hope that it can help someone else, too.
Sometimes, you need a cry.  We are getting a free preview weekend of Starz so I'm DVR-ing a lot of movies I haven't seen yet -- or have seen and enjoyed but don't own -- and catching up some.  Today, I watched "The Last Song."  Usually, I try to avoid Nicholas Sparks.  He's just too sad for me.  But this one was a good kind of sad.  And sometimes you need a cry and you have to find something to trigger it before it builds and builds and builds and you just explode.
Of course, sometimes a movie cry isn't good enough.  So, later when I was on facebook (I really need to give that up probably), I noticed that my cousin (Dad's side of the family) had posted pics of her new baby boy.  He's beautiful, of course.  And I saw the picture of her and her husband each holding him and looking adoringly into his face.  And I thought, I want a picture of Jeremy like that.  And I closed the computer and went back to the bedroom and laid across the bed like I used to in high school and had a deeper cry.  And I told God I was hurting again and asked him for strength and peace to get through this once more.
And sometimes, you just need a hug and laugh.  Which I got from a dear friend tonight after church.  Because that's what church family is for.