In a few hours, I'll be at the doctor's office, having another ultrasound. We'll see if the meds are working or not.
Part of me doesn't think it is. I'm trying to not look for signs or work myself up over this. It's only the first month we've been officially trying again.
The other part of me . . . she's seeing signs everywhere.
Say a prayer for me this morning. I'll let you know what he says.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Almost to Action
Had an ultrasound on Monday (a day my doctor wasn't actually in the office -- no idea why they scheduled it that way, but that's another rant), and talked to him today. They found a small fibroid . . . tumor-like thing. I just hate the word tumor. He's not worried about it, says it doesn't appear to have any effect on my fertility and so we're moving on to the next phase of the plan. I'll start Clomid on Sunday (not as soon as I was hoping to, but at least we're getting closer) and then have another ultrasound on the 30th to see if it's working. We're starting again on the lowest dose since it's been so many years since we tried this.
I'm also going to try some herbal tea I found on amazon. It's called Fertilitea and there were quite a few really good reviews on it. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it just seems like there's more action going on this time than the last time we tried anything. I'm hoping that's a good sign.
Say a few extra prayers. Last time I took Clomid, I enjoyed nausea, dizziness and major mood swings. Here we go!
I'm also going to try some herbal tea I found on amazon. It's called Fertilitea and there were quite a few really good reviews on it. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it just seems like there's more action going on this time than the last time we tried anything. I'm hoping that's a good sign.
Say a few extra prayers. Last time I took Clomid, I enjoyed nausea, dizziness and major mood swings. Here we go!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Update
My bloodwork came back normal. It's not my thyroid causing the problems. We'll proceed with the plan we laid out last Monday by going back this Monday for an ultrasound to make sure the ovaries and uterus look fine. Then, on to a new round of Clomid. I re-read my journal entries last night from the last time I was on it. Not fun. Not looking forward to it, but hoping to be pregnant in the next year.
My Grandpa's tumors have been shrinking. Unfortunately, they found a new tumor and it is NOT shrinking with the chemo. So, on to a new drug that costs a LOT of money per pill. Actually thankful for Medicaid right now.
My parents are going to have to move at the end of this month. They stayed at this place for four years. Compared to some of the places my dad preached when I was really little, that's a little better, but still . . . he was hoping to stay here until he retired. Sometimes, I hate how society has affected the church and now a lot of congregations decide that one thing going wrong means they need a new preacher instead of just dealing with what went wrong and supporting the man who is preaching truth to people who don't want to hear it. I'm off my rant now. I know the church is made up of people and no one is perfect, but it seems like shouldn't we be MORE perfect than the rest of the world?
My Grandpa's tumors have been shrinking. Unfortunately, they found a new tumor and it is NOT shrinking with the chemo. So, on to a new drug that costs a LOT of money per pill. Actually thankful for Medicaid right now.
My parents are going to have to move at the end of this month. They stayed at this place for four years. Compared to some of the places my dad preached when I was really little, that's a little better, but still . . . he was hoping to stay here until he retired. Sometimes, I hate how society has affected the church and now a lot of congregations decide that one thing going wrong means they need a new preacher instead of just dealing with what went wrong and supporting the man who is preaching truth to people who don't want to hear it. I'm off my rant now. I know the church is made up of people and no one is perfect, but it seems like shouldn't we be MORE perfect than the rest of the world?
Monday, October 8, 2012
A Plan of Action
So, today was mostly just a check up and the start of coming up with a plan. My doctor is going to get my records from my past doctor so he can have the whole history. He also took some blood today to test things like my thyroid to see if maybe that's causing it. Next week, I'll go back to review the test results and he wants to do an ultrasound to see if things are the way they're supposed to be. If the tests come back okay, he suggested we just go ahead and start back on clomid to see if we can find a level that will work. Since it's been several years since we tried that, I'm okay with trying it again for a while. If we can't find a dosage that works, then he said I'll probably need to go see a fertility endocrinologist, which would mean going to Dallas as there are no actual fertility specialists here. We're praying that something works with this first plan so that we don't have to make constant trips back and forth between here and Dallas (at least two hours there and two hours back). Anyway, that's the plan right now, and I'll keep you updated. Thanks for any prayers you've offered so far and for those you offer in the future.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Tomorrow
This is the post I need to post and yet don't want to face at all.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my well-woman visit. And to talk to him about options. I need to know what can be done to get me closer to finding out WHY. And knowing whether or not there is a solution to this problem.
So, tomorrow may start a huge roller coaster we'll be riding for a while, or maybe just another portion of this roller coaster. Maybe the last five years have been the Up, Up, Up, Up part with just a few downs and now we're heading into the loop-the-loops and twists and turns that come with the ups and downs. I'm not really sure. I just know every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat and I feel nervous and unsure and teary.
So, I'm asking anyone and everyone who reads this today and tomorrow, please say a prayer for me . . . and for Jeremy, too, because he's on this ride right beside me. I need peace and strength and the ability to hold on to hope.
I'm struggling lately with everyone saying, "But God will answer your prayers if you pray hard enough." I tell them, "But He doesn't always answer with a 'yes.'" I'm not saying we'll never have kids. I'm just struggling with the fact that we've been praying for this for five years. I know there's power in prayer. And I know our God loves us and that His plans for us are bigger and better than the plans we could make for ourselves. That doesn't always make it easier to live through the parts of waiting.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my well-woman visit. And to talk to him about options. I need to know what can be done to get me closer to finding out WHY. And knowing whether or not there is a solution to this problem.
So, tomorrow may start a huge roller coaster we'll be riding for a while, or maybe just another portion of this roller coaster. Maybe the last five years have been the Up, Up, Up, Up part with just a few downs and now we're heading into the loop-the-loops and twists and turns that come with the ups and downs. I'm not really sure. I just know every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat and I feel nervous and unsure and teary.
So, I'm asking anyone and everyone who reads this today and tomorrow, please say a prayer for me . . . and for Jeremy, too, because he's on this ride right beside me. I need peace and strength and the ability to hold on to hope.
I'm struggling lately with everyone saying, "But God will answer your prayers if you pray hard enough." I tell them, "But He doesn't always answer with a 'yes.'" I'm not saying we'll never have kids. I'm just struggling with the fact that we've been praying for this for five years. I know there's power in prayer. And I know our God loves us and that His plans for us are bigger and better than the plans we could make for ourselves. That doesn't always make it easier to live through the parts of waiting.
Good Things
A friend pointed out to me the other day that I hadn't posted on here in a while. It's not that I hadn't had things in mind to post, just that I hadn't really sat down and done it.
So, here are some good things that have happend over the last month and a half. We paid off one credit card and the carpet that we had put in the house to sell it last year! We took the money from Jeremy preaching Labor Day weekend and used it on that first credit card. Then, when his raise kicked in in September, we used the raise and paid off the carpet. It's such a relief to just not have those hanging over us anymore. Now, we're down to two fairly big credit cards, but we're transferring their balances to another account so that we'll get 15 months with no interest. With that, we should be able to pay it off in a year or slightly more. I feel like I can breath again.
Also, health insurance benefits from my job kicked in this month so we are both going to get to go to the doctor. For the first time in a year, my husband is insured again and that is also a huge relief to me.
I'm trying to be grateful and not feel like the floor is about to open up and us fall through into more problems again. After several bad years, it's feeling almost too good to be true that this is working out so well right now. Please do me a favor and say a prayer of thanks for God answering those prayers the way He has and for taking care of us so well!
So, here are some good things that have happend over the last month and a half. We paid off one credit card and the carpet that we had put in the house to sell it last year! We took the money from Jeremy preaching Labor Day weekend and used it on that first credit card. Then, when his raise kicked in in September, we used the raise and paid off the carpet. It's such a relief to just not have those hanging over us anymore. Now, we're down to two fairly big credit cards, but we're transferring their balances to another account so that we'll get 15 months with no interest. With that, we should be able to pay it off in a year or slightly more. I feel like I can breath again.
Also, health insurance benefits from my job kicked in this month so we are both going to get to go to the doctor. For the first time in a year, my husband is insured again and that is also a huge relief to me.
I'm trying to be grateful and not feel like the floor is about to open up and us fall through into more problems again. After several bad years, it's feeling almost too good to be true that this is working out so well right now. Please do me a favor and say a prayer of thanks for God answering those prayers the way He has and for taking care of us so well!
Hard
I came down the hallway to put something up before trekking my bags out to the car and I stopped as I caught sight of my grandmother perched on the arm of Grandpa's chair, leaning over and kissing him, telling him she loved him. Tears sprang to my eyes.
It was Labor day and the weekend that had started out so well had not ended up going as planned. Jeremy and I had gone up on Saturday to spend the weekend. Grandpa had called earlier and asked Jeremy to preach while we were there so even though it was a long weekend, we knew it would still be busy.
We got to see one of my cousin's and her family (one four year old and two 18-month-olds and her husband). It was fun chaos and we all laughed together as my cousin and I made out the rolls for Grandma while she was on the phone with one of our aunts. After all, it was potluck Sunday that weekend and they wouldn't let us in if we didn't bring Grandma's rolls.
Sunday came and we all loaded up and headed to church, made it through class, and enjoyed Jeremy's sermon. We were eating, finishing up lunch in the fellowship room at the church building, when I looked over and noticed my Grandpa holding his head in his hands. Someone mentioned that we needed to finish up quickly because he wasn't feeling well. Next thing I know, he's passed out. His blood pressure dropped and just like that he was unconscious and unresponsive. Grandma hollered at a friend there who is a nurse and she came to check on him while they called 911.
I've never felt more helpless as I sat holding one of the twins and not sure what else to do. I knew he had passed out in the past, but for some reason, I had never pictured it like this. Drool dripped off his chin and his head hung down. The nurse rubbed his neck and checked his pulse, but didn't have her bag with her so couldn't do much more.
Jeremy helped steer the young ones into another room and then flagged down the ambulance as they got there. They came in and quickly moved my grandfather onto a stretcher to take out. Jeremy and I took Grandma to the emergency room while my cousin took her family back to the house for naps. Grandma was fairly calm as she steered Jeremy through the back roads and to where she's spent way too much time over the last year.
We went into the dingy little room and waited with her while she signed him in. Her hands shook as she pressed the black pen to the electronic pad. She kept pulling me close and saying she was glad she wasn't alone when he passed out this time (she had been the past two times). When they let us go back to the room he was in, he was wanting to sit up, but they couldn't let him because it made his blood pressure drop again. He was responsive again, talking to the nurses. He reached through the bars and held onto Grandma's hand, wanting to know everything that had happened. I got to see them do an EKG (I think that's what it's called) and take some blood. He offered the nurse my arm if she couldn't get any from his, so I could tell he was feeling better.
They did several more tests and decided maybe he had pneumonia again. My cousin and husband switched places and I got to catch up with her more than I had in years while we waited. Grandma finally came out and told us they were going to send him on to Tulsa. I watched them wheel him out to another ambulance to go north and then I went back to the house with Jeremy and called my mom and her sister and brothers to let them know.
Jeremy and I got to go get him the next morning before we headed home, but it was a rough weekend for me. It's so hard to see my hero, my Grandpa, so weak and . . . well, looking so old. I know he's old and we probably won't have him for many, many more years. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I thought about that kiss I had caught before we left on Monday and just broke down. Jeremy just held my hand as we headed down the turnpike towards Texas. He understands how hard it is to see our grandparents like that . . . he had done sort of the same trip to his grandparents earlier in the summer.
I'm glad I was there to help my Grandma that weekend. But if I get my choice, I don't want to see my Grandpa like that again.
It was Labor day and the weekend that had started out so well had not ended up going as planned. Jeremy and I had gone up on Saturday to spend the weekend. Grandpa had called earlier and asked Jeremy to preach while we were there so even though it was a long weekend, we knew it would still be busy.
We got to see one of my cousin's and her family (one four year old and two 18-month-olds and her husband). It was fun chaos and we all laughed together as my cousin and I made out the rolls for Grandma while she was on the phone with one of our aunts. After all, it was potluck Sunday that weekend and they wouldn't let us in if we didn't bring Grandma's rolls.
Sunday came and we all loaded up and headed to church, made it through class, and enjoyed Jeremy's sermon. We were eating, finishing up lunch in the fellowship room at the church building, when I looked over and noticed my Grandpa holding his head in his hands. Someone mentioned that we needed to finish up quickly because he wasn't feeling well. Next thing I know, he's passed out. His blood pressure dropped and just like that he was unconscious and unresponsive. Grandma hollered at a friend there who is a nurse and she came to check on him while they called 911.
I've never felt more helpless as I sat holding one of the twins and not sure what else to do. I knew he had passed out in the past, but for some reason, I had never pictured it like this. Drool dripped off his chin and his head hung down. The nurse rubbed his neck and checked his pulse, but didn't have her bag with her so couldn't do much more.
Jeremy helped steer the young ones into another room and then flagged down the ambulance as they got there. They came in and quickly moved my grandfather onto a stretcher to take out. Jeremy and I took Grandma to the emergency room while my cousin took her family back to the house for naps. Grandma was fairly calm as she steered Jeremy through the back roads and to where she's spent way too much time over the last year.
We went into the dingy little room and waited with her while she signed him in. Her hands shook as she pressed the black pen to the electronic pad. She kept pulling me close and saying she was glad she wasn't alone when he passed out this time (she had been the past two times). When they let us go back to the room he was in, he was wanting to sit up, but they couldn't let him because it made his blood pressure drop again. He was responsive again, talking to the nurses. He reached through the bars and held onto Grandma's hand, wanting to know everything that had happened. I got to see them do an EKG (I think that's what it's called) and take some blood. He offered the nurse my arm if she couldn't get any from his, so I could tell he was feeling better.
They did several more tests and decided maybe he had pneumonia again. My cousin and husband switched places and I got to catch up with her more than I had in years while we waited. Grandma finally came out and told us they were going to send him on to Tulsa. I watched them wheel him out to another ambulance to go north and then I went back to the house with Jeremy and called my mom and her sister and brothers to let them know.
Jeremy and I got to go get him the next morning before we headed home, but it was a rough weekend for me. It's so hard to see my hero, my Grandpa, so weak and . . . well, looking so old. I know he's old and we probably won't have him for many, many more years. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I thought about that kiss I had caught before we left on Monday and just broke down. Jeremy just held my hand as we headed down the turnpike towards Texas. He understands how hard it is to see our grandparents like that . . . he had done sort of the same trip to his grandparents earlier in the summer.
I'm glad I was there to help my Grandma that weekend. But if I get my choice, I don't want to see my Grandpa like that again.
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