Christmas Cheer?

I started putting up the decorations, totally cheerful and carefree. I love getting out the Christmas things and arranging them so that my home feels festive. I like the music on the radios and the fact that a lot of people are trying to do good things for other people. I say a lot because it didn't feel like many of them were yesterday at Walmart at all -- especially the woman who pushed her cart into my car (I had just gotten in and was getting ready to leave) and then left it there. I got out and pushed it around my car to the cart carale on the other side of my car (big distance, there!) and muttered under my breath, "You're welcome." I try to believe she would have done it herself after she finished buckling her kid in on the other side, but I wanted to go ahead and leave so I beat her to it (I couldn't move my car while the cart was right next to my wheel!). Sigh.
Anyway, on to the real point of this blog. I started cycle number 3 this morning. I knew it was coming. I think I had talked myself into not being hopeful so much that it didn't really bother me until Jeremy found out yesterday and was sad about it. It's like, at least while I didn't think I COULD get pregnant, I didn't have to worry about whether or not I was. I could just go on about my life and the holidays and enjoy them as I wanted to. Now, I'm back to day one and have to think about when I should start taking the pills that make me lightheaded and moody, and I have to think about the days we're REQUIRED to have sex, and I have to think about having an ultrasound to see if I am actually ovulating. Any of this sound fun to you? I guess I sort of had been relying on my husband to have all the hope for both of us and that's not fair to him. I do want a child, I do want to know what it's like to feel him/her moving inside of me, and watch my belly grow big. I do want to enjoy his/her first Christmas and dress the child up in all sorts of things he/she will regret me doing later in life. So, now, my Christmas cheer isn't quite so cheery. I'm still trying to be merry and bright. But it's harder now. The worries I had pushed away are back and bigger than ever. Sigh.