Nesting Without an Egg

I don't know if it's the thought of Spring coming or just the fact that a new year has started, but I want to do all these home projects. I want to finish ripping down wallpaper and tearing out the floor in the bathroom so we can paint and replace the tiles. I want to paint the bedroom and get curtains that I actually like. I want to clean out the "Spare 'oom" so that it can be used as a nursery eventually. I want to straighten the sewing room so I can find things. And move the boxes out of the dining room so that I'm not always tripping over them. And trim back the roses. And till up some land to plant a garden. I know it's too early to do the outside things, but still. . . doesn't it sound like I'm mentally getting ready to nest?

Projects

I'm totally the wrong age. Why do I say that? Because I'm at the age where most of my friends are having kids. Anyway, the whole point of this is to show off what I've been making for upcoming baby showers (and previous ones). Check it out!

These blocks I actually like better than the dresses! I'm totally making some of these when I have kids! I left the nail polish bottle in one picture for you to have size reference. They're five by five inches. Very fun.

I have plans to do one more dress and then maybe I can work on other projects for a while. I'm full of ideas right now.

Pooled Faith

I know they always talk about pooled ignorance, but I have been experiencing something else lately: pooled faith. My faith has waivered a bit lately. It's not that I don't believe in God, because how can I not see Him everywhere when I work with kids every day? It's that my faith has waivered in His answering prayers. I cry and pray to Him, asking Him why I have to go through this; why all my friends seem to be able to get pregnant, but not me; why He is allowing this to go on and on. I don't really expect an answer as to the why, at least not yet. But . . . still. I had a long talk with Him the other night and told Him everything about how I was feeling: about how mad I was at Him and the girls who were getting pregnant, about my jealousies and my anger, about my broken heart and the fact that I have trouble finding hope in my life anymore. I didn't yell at Him -- but I "let Him have it," so to speak. He's strong enough to take my anger. And most of it seems to have gone away after that prayer.
Anyway, what do you do for a weak faith? You read your Bible and spend more time talking with God and surround yourself with friends who share a like faith. The friends are what I'm getting to. I have friends who have babies. I have friends who are pregnant. I have friends who never got to physically have a baby, but adopted. I have friends who were told they would never get pregnant and then had two kids. And I love them all. But the last two have helped me more lately than the first two -- they can empathize with my situation, my frustrations, my hatred of the medicine and required sex days. They can empathize with my broken heart which hurts a little more every month. They can empathize with me not wanting to go to all these baby showers, or even church sometimes. And they encourage me to keep my faith. I look at how much they went through and how strong their faith is now. Maybe that's why God is "letting" this happen to me. Maybe He wants me to have a faith as strong as theirs is. Either way, I'm glad I can borrow some of my friends' faith as I struggle with my own right now.

A Little Bit of Daddy

Every time I think, "It's not fair," I hear my Daddy's voice saying, "Who told you life would be fair?" I know I sound really whiny when I say things like that so I try not to very often, but it does run through my head every now and then. And my Daddy's voice is ever there, echoing all the times he said it to me in the past.

A couple in class this morning announced they're expecting twins in July. I know it's not really right for me to think this way, but I can't help but thinking, "but they already have ONE kid and now you're giving them two more?!?" I don't mind them having more kids. I just can't understand why they can have three, when I haven't even been able to have one yet.

Psalm 27:14. It was in the sermon this morning. It's been underlined in my Bible for a long time. That and Isaiah 40:28-31. Look them up. I'm repeating them over and over in my head and heart.

Just a Little Uplift

George sits on my dresser. He's waiting for a baby, too. I put him there to remind me to not give up.

It dawned on me last night that I will be at least 27 when I have a child. When we first got married, my goal was 25. I don't know why, but it just bothered me.

This week/year (I know it hasn't been that long, but still. . .) has been hard for both of us. I've tried to hold back on being too negative, because I know you guys are probably tired of hearing about all these negative things in my life. It's not all bad, I promise. I do usually laugh at least once a day.

Jeremy sat in the faculty meeting Monday and listened to them talk about the teacher who just had their third child -- and about the principal's wife who has preeclampsia, but is at 30 weeks so could have the baby any day now. And he struggled to keep a straight face and not show how much it was bothering him. Both of us seem to feel it harder this time around because we really thought it might have happened this last time.

Every time I get a period, it's not just the annoying "That time of the month" feeling for me. I basically feel like I'm losing a child. Every time. I'm not trying to break anyone's heart, but that's the way it feels. And my heart is broken right now.

It's gotten to the point where I'm asking God in my prayers what I have to do to meet His requirements for me to have a child. I feel like we're the most stable we've ever been and even have a nursery we could get ready at the drop of a hat. Instead, everyone around me is having a child, including teenagers or unwed movie stars (so they aren't really AROUND me, per se, but I still have to hear about it). It's so frustrating and maddening and confusing.

I've finally picked the Bible back up to read through again. I skipped a couple of years and have been missing it. This is my fifth or sixth time to read it all the way through, and every time, I seem to find something I missed the previous times. Anyway, I've been reading through Genesis. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel all had trouble conceiving. Did you know that? I joked to Jeremy last night that Rebekah hadn't been able to conceive, so Isaac prayed for her and she had twins. I told him not to pray that hard. It was a joke, but it felt good to be able to joke about it.

You're probably wondering why I titled this "uplifting". I was in the car with Amber, my co-worker, on Monday while we shopped for craft supplies for Extended Care. I don't think she'll mind me sharing this. We were talking about me starting and how bummed I was. And she said that she was jealous of me -- she with her three beautiful children. I couldn't believe it so I waited to hear why. She got pregnant at 19, unexpectedly, and had easy pregnancies. She took them for granted and didn't really enjoy them like she wishes she had now. She said that I'm trying so hard and long and wanting it so much that when it does happen, I won't be taking any of it for granted. And she is jealous of it.

No one had ever said that to me. No one had ever pointed out that aspect of it. And it did help to hear it. It doesn't change my desire to keep bursting into tears or the fact that I have to start taking stronger medicine tonight. But it does help to know all of you are praying for me, and that you keep my hope alive. Thank you for that. This sounds weird, but I can't wait for morning sickness and swollen feet and a big, fat belly. And I hope she's right and that I won't take it for granted.

I promised a picture of the necklace Jeremy gave me for Christmas, and I'm afraid my camera isn't very good, so hopefully you can see how lovely it is from this picture below. On really bad days, I make sure I'm wearing it so I can remember how much he loves me, too. Because that's one of the best things in my life. And we'll keep working on the next best thing -- an extension of our love, a soul to cherish and bring up to love God, a child to share jokes and talents and interests with, a heritage.

The Waiting is Over

I'm back to Day One.

Waiting

The hardest part is the end of the cycle. That's when all you can really do is wait. I'm not good at waiting.
Jeremy and I are very different when it comes to this. He maintains his optimism all the way through or at least assures me that if it doesn't happen this time, that just means we get to keep trying. I am at the other end of the spectrum. The first part of the cycle, I keep my hopes up, thinking things like, "this is it -- it's going to happen -- today." The end of the cycle, I tell myself it didn't happen. Somehow, I've convinced myself that if I assume it didn't happen, then it won't be as hard when it comes true. I'm not sure that this is really true -- almost positive it isn't. But that's what I do anyway.
So, here I sit, waiting. I keep telling myself that cycle number four will start any day now and I've even got my "upped" prescription ready and waiting for me from when I had a panic moment over Christmas and thought the cycle was starting early. Sigh. Waiting stinks.

Bittersweet

When you don't see someone for several years at a time, it's hard for you to think of them as any different from how they were the last time you were together. When we walked into Jeremy's grandparents' home and saw Grandpa sitting in his chair, it was a huge shock. We expected to see sly, energetic, fun-loving Grandpa and instead saw someone who was trying to be that, but was more dejected and frustrated. Grandpa had hip-replacement surgery (I think for the third time) about six months ago. He's not recovering as fast as he wants. He's always been up doing something and being confined to a chair or bed is not easy for someone like that. He zips around in his chair and runs over everyone's toes, but he also just sits and hangs his head like he's giving up. This is especially hard on Jeremy. Jeremy is a lot like his dad and that side of the family. A LOT. Seeing his role model in that state . . . it's hard. Here's the part that's hard for me, though. Jeremy has to work through things alone before he can let me in on the process. I'm one of these people who just sit down and talk through everything so that I can come to grips with whatever I'm dealing with. He's the opposite. He has to come to grips with it first. Do you see the problem? I feel left out as he deals with his grandfather's condition. And it's breaking my heart. I can't fix it and I'm a fixer, for sure. I hate it when things are out of my control (yes -- I know that everything is really out of my control and that my life would go a lot smoother if I'd give it to God and let Him be in control, but I'm still working on actually putting that into practice). Anyway, I guess this is my way of talking it through until I can talk it through with him. Please pray for Jeremy and his family as we watch our loved ones continue to grow old.