To the Point

I'm to the point of not believing anything will ever get better money-wise. It's not that we're suffering. We totally splurged on fast food on the way home last night. But it's frustrating. We're paying off the car next month -- and it's over a hundred dollars less than I thought it was going to be. We got paid well for Jeremy's gospel meeting so that helped pay of a chunk of our huge credit card bill. I was thinking we'd actually have extra money to go ahead and buy plane tickets for Phillip's graduation next month, but today when I started my laundry, something happened. My washer quit rinsing, spinning and draining. Instead, it just sits there, full of icky water and soaked clothes. Sigh. I was going to traipse the clothes to the shower or sink and rinse them out before drying them, but I gave up when I couldn't even lift the basket. Sigh. Wet clothes are heavy. Jeremy tells me we're going to be okay. And I know that. But it's still frustrating to start thinking everything is going to work out like I wanted it to, only to find out that something else jumps in the way. Grr. Stupid mud washing machines. No. I don't want to go back to the way it was before washing machines. I just want mine to work.

Struggling

So, here's my question: how strong is my faith really? I believe there is a God and I believe He loves me. I even believe He's going to let me in heaven one day.
So, why can't I trust Him with my infertility? Why is it this ever-continuing struggle between me and me to let go and trust Him? I feel like such a bad Christian because I know God is big enough to take care of EVERY problem we have. It's just that every month that goes by, it feels more and more like He doesn't care about this problem. I'm tired of hearing about all these "oops" people who wind up pregnant on accident. I'm tired of having to give smiles to the new babies at church because I'm friends with their parents. I'm tired of everyone else getting a baby shower and not me. I'm tired of wondering every month if it's going to work out. I'm tired of taking my temperature every morning, my pills every evening days 5-9, and having to have sex when I don't feel like it. Sorry if I offended you, but that's the way it is. But I can't give up.

Jeremy has this plan: we wind up pregnant soon and he gets to go in and tell the Juniors we can't go to Europe with them next spring break after all because we'll need to stay home with the baby. I think it's a lovely plan, but it breaks my heart to think it might not work out the way he wants it to. And my heart breaks a little more every time I hear it and wonder if it's going to be an option or not.

My biggest question is "why?" Why am I having to go through this? Why is this happening to me? Why can't I get pregnant? Why? Why? Why?

I know how selfish this all sounds. I know how selfish I feel. How bitter and angry and frustrated and eternally sad.

So, my other biggest question is "How much more of this can I take before I completly break down and go crazy?"

Spring Break Begins

Whew! It's been a full Saturday -- a full week. Mom and Dad were visiting with us Tuesday through Thursday. We enjoyed the short time we had with them -- I never get enough time with them. Mom's always make things better, it seems. Of course, I started the day she left so it was doubly hard on me. I stayed busy yesterday getting things ready for today. Today, we got up, loaded the car, and headed north to Salado where I did a show. Then, we loaded back up and headed north to Okmulgee, OK to my grandparents' home. Jeremy is going to be preaching a gospel meeting here for them on the Restoration Movement in the church. Since it's his topic of his master's degree, I feel like he'll do a good job. My cousin, Michelle (same age as me) and her three kids are here tonight, too, before they head south to Houston to see her family. Darien is 5 going to be 6 in July. Ayden and Aylene are both 2 going to be 3 in June. They are so cute and cuddly and fun. And make me want one of my own even more. Sigh. They're leaving tomorrow, but it's been fun to snuggle with the kids. We don't get to see them very often. I'm looking forward to a week with Grandma and Grandpa. I want to go through her fabric scraps again (maybe) and get some more aloe vera for me to kill. Or for Toby to kill, more like it. I love my cat, but he's really annoying when it comes to plants. I hope everyone has a great Spring Break!

Sadness where you look for it

My cycle is winding down. I can feel it, and I dread it. Blah.
The bluebonnets are blooming. I started seeing them this week, as they peek their purply-blue heads up next to the roads and interstates (and in some yards). It's a big thing down here to take pictures in the bluebonnets. I see families along the roadside, dressed to the nines, avoiding the fire ants and bumblebees to capture the perfect family photo in a field of bluebonnets and black-eyed susans. I really want to have my pregnancy photos taken in bluebonnets because I think it would be so neat. So, it's a happy and sad thing to see them popping their heads up, announcing the true arrival of Spring. Isn't Spring supposed to be when you have a baby? Isn't it the coming of all things new? I'd say maybe next Spring, but I sort of hope it doesn't happen so we can go to Europe with the Seniors next year. Is that limiting God?

Hard Weekend

I don't know why, but this weekend has been hard. Friday I woke up having this sense that my period will start next week. That, together with the leftover upsettedness from Thursday night, made me sort of down all day long and I couldn't shake the depression. I cheered up a bit that night because my sweetheart spent time with me and we watched his brother in Spring Sing (online -- we didn't head to Oklahoma). It was fun to laugh at his brother dressed up like a girl. Saturday I was still down. I puttered around the house, but didn't really convince myself to do anything. Finally, I talked Jeremy into helping me start the garden that evening and that gave me something else to focus on for a while. But this morning in church, they announced that they are about to start looking for more deacons. And I realized that by not having kids, Jeremy is ineligible to be a deacon. And it breaks my heart even more. I know, if we do not have kids, eventually we can adopt and have kids. But right now, it's just hard to accept that. And I'm struggling a lot with all of this. Poor Jeremy has had to step back into the help me through it role instead of the be helped through it role. Pray extra hard this week as I struggle with all this. Evidently, I am not as faithfully strong as I needed to be -- maybe that's why God is letting me struggle right now. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Hermit Crab

I'm not usually a hermit. I love to get out and do things with people. I hate shopping by myself and always wish I had a friend to go with. Needless to say, most of the time, I don't avoid going to things like Bunko or church or showers. However, I'm reconsidering lately.
I sat at Bunko tonight and listened to them all talk about their kids, their pregnancies, how much weight they gained, their C-sections, etc, etc, etc. And I know that only two of them knew anything about what I'm going through. But at the same time, I just wanted to stand up and scream, "Really?! Can't you see I don't want to hear about this right now?" I know they don't know they're bothering me. If I had kids, I'd probably jump right in and swap the horror stories with them. But I don't. It just makes me want to curl up somewhere away from everyone and not come out again until my situation changes.
I'm not really going to do that. But it makes me want to. And I have successfully avoided the last four baby showers (although I did make gifts for them). Just call me a hermit crab.

Pampered Chef blog show beginnings

I have a great friend in Dallas who is doing a show for me right now . . . on her blog. I've never heard of anyone else doing this, so we'll see how it goes. If you want to see how we're doing it, check out her blog. She's super crafty and fun anyway, but I think she's doing a great job on the show, trying to get some more sales for me. If you're interested in doing the same thing, let me know. I'd love to help you earn free stuff.
As for me, I'm not thinking about that other THING. At least, I'm trying not to. Instead, I'm focusing on planting a garden, seeing my parents next week, going to Oklahoma for Spring break(Jeremy's doing a gospel meeting where my grandparents worship), fixing up the bathroom, booking plane tickets for my brother's graduation, selling Pampered Chef, working on a quilt I started in high school, and going to Europe with Jeremy's class at school next spring break. Probably thinking about a few other things, too. Anything but getting pregnant.

Spoke Too Soon

Satan has this fun way of helping you think you have everything under control. I think that while I've had this peace for the last month, he has been trying to find weaknesses and cracks in my wall, to sneak in a finger here or there and break out a chunk so my peace goes away. I won't let him get away with it. But the last couple of days have been harder again. I had forgotten how big the sadness was. I was boasting of how I had finally given it to God, had let Him take over and wasn't going to worry about it anymore. And Satan used my boasting, my overconfidence, to slip in and add some worry and some envy and some sadness. I will give it back to God. And hopefully, this time I won't take it back. He doesn't need my help. I need His.