No pictures

Christmas has been great this year. I haven't posted recently because we've been travelling like crazy. We left the 19th about an hour later than we meant to and drove north to my parents' home. We stayed there for about four days, enjoying family time with my parents and brother. The 22nd we drove down to Shreveport and went to SciPort, a neat museum. We probably won't go back anytime soon, though. We met my cousin, Eric, and his wife Rene for dinner that night before picking up a few groceries and heading back to Vivian. Christmas presents were opened the 24th after church as Jeremy and I were leaving the next morning. Of course, the stockings were filled with little goodies when we got up Christmas morning. I wonder if Mom will keep doing that after she has grandchildren. . .
We drove to Memphis on Christmas day to see Jeremy's family. The only real problem we encountered with travelling on Christmas day is that ALL places to eat are closed. Oops. We were rather hungry when we arrived that afternoon. We drug Jeremy's brother out of bed to open presents. There's just something wonderful about Christmas and it brings out the childish impatience in me to see what's in those packages. The most unique gift I got this year was from my mother-in-law: she started my tea set that I want, with all different cups and saucers. She got me four different sets and a pretty tea pot with pink flowers. I'm very excited.
The 27th, Jeremy's family all loaded into a van at 6 a.m. and drove to Atlanta. Jeremy's grandfather didn't know that Jeremy and I were coming. You should have seen his face when Jeremy walked in. It was like sunshine. The whole crew came over that night for their annual dinner and crazy "food" dirty santa. All the presents had to be something foodish. I got lots of different hot chocolate mixes and Jeremy got coffee and come CocaCola mugs.
We're still down in Jefferson, Georgia, soaking up the grandparent love. We'll load back in the van to drive back to Memphis tomorrow. It's hard to believe our vacation is already on the downhill slide. I know we've done a lot already, but it still feels like it just started. Oh well. I'm guessing you figured out that the title of this blog is because all my cameras are still at home. Yes. I always forget something. Maybe I'll get ahold of one of the shots of all the Anguish grandchildren to post on here soon. We'll see. I hope everyone else has had a Merry Christmas, too. Enjoy the rest of the holiday season.

My Sweet Husband

Jeremy knows what a gift-giver I am. I love finding the perfect gift to give to someone to make their face light up. I was really excited when I accomplished that with the gifts I have my co-workers yesterday. Such fun. Jeremy and I also had our own little Christmas last night. He likes to have it just the two of us instead of just packing up our gifts to each other to take to our other Christmases at parents' homes. I got him a warm robe because he's such a snuggler and a few little things. He got me the agenda I'd been asking for, and a travel mug. And in my stocking I found a little box. I had been teasing him about wanting a Journey necklace (the one with all the different sized diamonds in a little swirly path) even though we both knew we couldn't afford it. When I opened the box, there was a little pink jeweled necklace that had different sized stones and looked sort of like a Journey necklace. I love it. And I love him for wanting to get me what I want even though we both know we can't afford it. I wish I could post a picture, but my camera is still without batteries. I've been buying more gifts than essentials lately.
We're packing up to travel today. We'll start at my mom's in Louisiana. Then, we'll head to his parents' on Christmas (in Memphis). Then, to Atlanta for a few days to see his grandparents. Then, back again. Whew. I counted it up and we will be driving through seven states! Makes you want to jump right up and join in, doesn't it? *laugh* I'll try to post some over the holidays, but if I don't, I hope everyone has a merry Christmas!

Curious Hope

Kohl's has a thing every year where they do Kohl's Care for Kids. They have a character and his/her book and they sell everything for $5. Part of the proceeds go to buy toys for kids who don't get any otherwise. I went to Kohl's the other day to get my Mom's Christmas present. Of course, the stand with the characters are right up front for everyone to see as they check out. I couldn't resist. This year, their character is Curious George. I love Curious George. And he's so soft and huggable. I picked up and bought him. Then, I told Jeremy it was for the baby. The baby we hope to have. Now, George sits on my dresser as if to say, "I'm waiting." It's sort of hopeful. It makes me think now we have to have a baby so they can love George, too. So, I leave him there as a curious symbol of hope for us.

This and That

I would post Christmas pictures of my house (which is actually fairly neat at the moment), but my camera batteries are dead and I keep forgetting to get batteries when I go to the store. Sigh. You'll just have to wait.
It's our last week of school before break and I'm glad about that. The kids are even more wild because the weather got REALLY cold here. But I love the bite in the air and the smell of wood smoke from the neighbors' chimneys. It makes it actually feel like winter.
I had my ultrasound this morning. I have ovaries and they have eggs. That's good. It was weird looking at the gray screen with the black blobs on it as she told me what they all were. I'm just glad she knows what she's looking for. She wasn't totally happy with how small the eggs/follicles were, though, so if we don't conceive this month, we go to a higher prescription of Clomid next month. NOT looking forward to that.
I have most of my Christmas shopping done. That feels good, for sure. I have to put together a few more gifts and finish my Christmas cards. Sigh. This is what I get for deciding to send them this year after all. Jeremy and I will have our own private Christmas Thursday night before we leave on Friday. We're starting by going to my parents' place in Vivian, LA. Then, we'll head to Memphis to see his folks. Then, we're going with them down to Atlanta for a few days to see his grandparents. Then, we do the whole trip in reverse to get home again! I counted it up and we're going to hit seven states (even if it's just driving through them) in 16 days. Whew! It makes me tired just to think of it.

Scary Stuff

I just got off the phone with my doctor's office. I was scheduling an ultrasound. Next Tuesday morning. I'm terrified. I know it's silly. Women have ultrasounds everyday. But I've always been afraid of the unknown, and having never had an ultrasound before, I'm afraid of it. But at least I scheduled it. That's better than if I had chickened out of even calling. Dr. Pagette wanted to do one the first cycle, but I had decided to give it a couple months and just see what happened. So, this is cycle three. That is day 12. It's to see if the follicles are growing and doing what they're supposed to do to see if I'm ovulating or not. Is this more than you wanted to know? If the follicles aren't the way she wants them to be, she'll give me a higher dose of the medicine next cycle. I'm hoping against hope that she doesn't have to do that. The dose I'm on is the lowest and it gives me lightheadedness and mood swings. I hate this. I hate every bit of it. But there's not much I can do about it. Well, not much more than I already am. So, here goes nothing. I'm still traveling down the road of the unknown.

No Place Like Home

I know the saying is that "Home is where the heart is." In most ways, that is true. However, this Christmas is the first Christmas I'll be returning "home" to somewhere I've never lived before and have only visited once. Most of you already know that my parents were uprooted once more this summer and found work in Vivian, LA (just north of Shreveport). It's a nice little town and they are very happy there. However, the last time I made it to Harrisburg, AR, where they were living, was last Christmas. I graduated high school there. I was married there. Both of my siblings graduated high school there. We'd considered there to be home for about 9 years. Needless to say, it felt like home. It's not that it won't be nice to see my parents this Christmas in their new home in Vivian, and the church there is great, and very loving. But part of my heart will wish to be back in Harrisburg, hugging my loved ones there, too.
Of course, we're also traveling to Memphis for several days (with a trip to Atlanta to see Jeremy's grandparents in the middle of it), and that is home, too. I guess my heart is looking for things to be sad about this Christmas. And I need to get over it! I don't want to be a bah humbug for Christmas!

Christmas Cheer?

I started putting up the decorations, totally cheerful and carefree. I love getting out the Christmas things and arranging them so that my home feels festive. I like the music on the radios and the fact that a lot of people are trying to do good things for other people. I say a lot because it didn't feel like many of them were yesterday at Walmart at all -- especially the woman who pushed her cart into my car (I had just gotten in and was getting ready to leave) and then left it there. I got out and pushed it around my car to the cart carale on the other side of my car (big distance, there!) and muttered under my breath, "You're welcome." I try to believe she would have done it herself after she finished buckling her kid in on the other side, but I wanted to go ahead and leave so I beat her to it (I couldn't move my car while the cart was right next to my wheel!). Sigh.
Anyway, on to the real point of this blog. I started cycle number 3 this morning. I knew it was coming. I think I had talked myself into not being hopeful so much that it didn't really bother me until Jeremy found out yesterday and was sad about it. It's like, at least while I didn't think I COULD get pregnant, I didn't have to worry about whether or not I was. I could just go on about my life and the holidays and enjoy them as I wanted to. Now, I'm back to day one and have to think about when I should start taking the pills that make me lightheaded and moody, and I have to think about the days we're REQUIRED to have sex, and I have to think about having an ultrasound to see if I am actually ovulating. Any of this sound fun to you? I guess I sort of had been relying on my husband to have all the hope for both of us and that's not fair to him. I do want a child, I do want to know what it's like to feel him/her moving inside of me, and watch my belly grow big. I do want to enjoy his/her first Christmas and dress the child up in all sorts of things he/she will regret me doing later in life. So, now, my Christmas cheer isn't quite so cheery. I'm still trying to be merry and bright. But it's harder now. The worries I had pushed away are back and bigger than ever. Sigh.

Thankful

We interrupt this Christmas season which gets longer every year to bring you a little holiday we call Thanksgiving. So, for a few days out of this week, please, drop your shopping bags, turn off the holiday music, forget about untangling the lights, and just spend time with the people you are thankful for.
We're headed to my mom and dad's house Wednesday and I'm practically floating with happiness. I haven't seen them since Spring Break. My sister and brother are there now. I haven't seen them since last Christmas. I'm thankful to get to see them.
I'm thankful for our traditions. I love Thanksgiving. We watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade that morning (one day I'm going to be there in person!). We have a late lunch of turkey and dressing and rolls. And who can't be thankful for pumpkin pie? Then, the annual craft. My mom and I have gotten to where we do some sort of craft -- usually a holiday one -- every Thanksgiving. My sister and any other female relatives usually join in if they are there. It's our own little family traditions.
I'm thankful for my husband who keeps looking at me and saying, "I'll love you anyway," when I say, "What if . . ." I'm thankful for our own home, where we can paint walls and rip up carpet and plant gardens and have room to grow. I'm thankful for a good job where I can help kids see God through my actions and attitudes. I'm thankful for our friends who care so much that they pray for us and ask if we need anything. I'm thankful for our church family, who keep us sane while we're so far away from "home."
Most of all, I'm thankful for God and his love for me. It's been a hard year to remember that. I let the problems of my life (which really aren't that big compared to problems other people have) settle around me like a blanket and I just hold on to them so tightly that it's hard for the good things to get in, too.
This week, I'm going to try and do better to remember how blessed I am. But I don't want to limit it to this week only. This needs to be something I do everyday. I hope I'm inspiring you to do the same.

A Bad Person

I guess I must be a bad person. Round Rock schools has recently removed a book from their shelves. It's the book TTYL. I actually heard the author speak at the book festival several weekends ago and she was talking about how this book was a good one to read WITH your kids to discuss the matters covered in it. Round Rock has not banned the book. They removed it from their shelves because they don't want the younger middle schoolers reading it even thought it might be okay for older ones. They aren't allowed to have shelves for certain ages for some reason. Anyway, the point of all this is to say, I now really, really want to read the book. I want to know why it's taken off the shelf and why people have a problem with it. I want to know why my child should not read this book. I felt the same way about The Golden Compass when everyone was throwing their fit about it. I haven't gotten around to reading it yet, but I probably will. I have to know why.
I have decided to let Jeremy be in charge of taking my temperature and writing it down everyday. I don't want to see it anymore because I'm tired of worrying about it. So, this morning he took it and wrote it down. So far, I haven't peeked. But it's about to kill me to know if my temp spiked yet or not. It supposedly should have spiked last week and still hadn't as of yesterday which means I'm like a week late for ovulating. Sigh. I hate my body.

Last Week

Last week was sort of an up-and-down week. I mean temperatures, emotions, everything. I feel like I have very little control over my emotions right now and poor Jeremy is getting the brunt of it. He had to live with crazy emotions all those years I was on birth control and I think we've both been enjoying the last year and a half when I could actually decide how I was going to feel and feel that way instead of being led one way or another by hormones. I guess it's not a good thing I wasn't having any hormonal stuff over the last year and a half, but I did enjoy having my emotions back in check. I go through days now when I feel like crying but can't, then get really angry and just yell at Jeremy no matter what he says, which makes me feel guilty so I'm back to feeling like crying to laughing my head off at absolutely nothing. I think we're both ready for me to be back in more control.
It doesn't help my life that I try to cram so much into it. Last week, Grandma and Grandpa left Monday, I tried to get some writing done on my nanowrimo (and am just under 21,000 instead of where I need to be), went to the play Friday night, had two Pampered Chef shows Saturday, and then had tried to plan a Ladies' Craft Day for Sunday afternoon which fell through. I feel like I haven't stopped. In the midst of all that, I did this craft (http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/special/feature/famf1103_mgi_salad/) for my K-2 kids everyday which was really cute, but not so easy as they all had to wait their turn.
I know I bring much of this on myself, but what do I do when people look at me and ask if I'm going to have a baby or WHEN I'm going to have a baby. After all, everyone else is. I think I'm doing good, getting my priorities straightened out, knowing that I'm blessed even if God doesn't give me this opportunity. And then, I'm back down on my knees begging Him to let it have happened this time. Satan definitely knows my weaknesses.

This week

Isn't it funny how when you're told you HAVE to do something and WHEN you HAVE to do it, that you don't want to do it, even though it's something you usually enjoy?

To Cassie

This post is completely about my friend, Cassie. She decided that I was too wonderful to have just a normal blog and came up with this, despite my indecisiveness! Isn't it lovely? She's so great. I love her to death and very much miss her now that she has moved to Dallas. She's talented and creative and a great mom to her little Caleb.
So, Cassie, thanks for the new look. You're fabulous!

The Holiday Craze

Grandpa helped me so much. Sometimes, it's just nice to have someone say it's really not as bad as we had been told it was and can wait for later. Of course, with Grandpa here, we went to several stores, including Walmart for various things we needed to fix ceiling fans and tail-lights. Walmart. That wonderful world of retail. Want to know what music you'll hear in there right now? Christmas music. I kid you not. Halloween is over so bring on Christmas! I want to know what happened to Thanksgiving? Not to mention Veterans day! Of course, we'll have our Veterans day sales tomorrow as the only way to celebrate anything is with a sale and no mail, obviously. Do I sound frustrated to you? This culture is turning completely to buying things non-stop and I'm sick of the materialism here. I've been seeing KMart commercials (Heaven only knows why as we have no KMart around here) for layaway for Christmas and I think, that's how we got into the economic mess we're in now. Everyone had to have more than they could afford and they had to have it now. So, bring on the credit cards, adjustable mortgages, layaway plans. Ick. I hate money. Trust me. I use it -- a lot. But I still hate it. And I hate what it does to this country.
And I hate that Walmart is already playing Christmas music. I want my turkey and pumpkin pie!

A little bit of everything. . .

It's been an absolutely crazy week. In case you don't know already, my husband is a politics freak. I love Jeremy. I can't stand politics right now. I was naive in my hopes that after the election, the talk would die down. Silly me. I'm sort of mad at both sides of it right now because even though the man I voted for didn't win, I still know God is going to take care of us through the next four years. Yes. It would have been great to have a president who would install a more conservative judge on the Supreme Court so we could have taken another step towards the illegalization of baby murder (abortion), but we'll survive for now. Obviously, God has other plans and we need to trust Him. So, let's quit fighting about it, accept it, and move on with our lives!
Yesterday was a mess. Mr. Allen, one of the Extended Care Aides, has PTSD and sometimes suffers with it. His psychiatrist has decided that he doesn't need to work EC on the days he also makes burgers for the cafeteria. So, we were without him. We were also without two of our high school aides because of a play and sickness. We had one sub. You do the math. We made it through, though. Then, I went over to be with Jeremy while he did his class sponsor thing at the spaghetti dinner the Juniors were having before the concert. The food and company was good, but I was so tired by the time it was over. We totally have not made it to any of the school concerts this year -- we're such bad teachers!
I'm back on Clomid this week and that brings extra tiredness and some dizziness, too. Doesn't that sound like fun? It makes me want to sleep all the time but I can't.
My grandparents are coming today to stay the weekend with us in our house. Yay! Ever since we bought this house, Grandpa has wanted to come check it out and help us fix a few things on it and now he's coming! The interior decorator in me really wants to paint and peel wallpaper and find the perfect curtains and replace the dingy carpet. The realist knows we need to fix the short in the light socket and do something about the rotting post in our garage. So, for now, realism wins and my Grandpa is coming to help. Hooray for grandparents!

A Reminder

I think God likes to put reminders in our life right when we need them. I've been hearing a lot about the movie, "Facing the Giants" since "Fireproof" came out. It was made by the same people and I'd not seen it before I saw Kirk Cameron's movie. Since KXAN took a break from Time Warner for a while, they supplemented us with Starz Kidz and Family network. I really thought that was way better than KXAN, but oh well. Anyway, I caught a lot of movies I'd been meaning to see while we were in that interim, and one was "Facing the Giants." I DVRed it and watched it yesterday while folding laundry. It is REALLY good. Just what I needed. It's about a small Christian academy in Georgia and their football team as they try to win state championship. And it's about their coach and his struggle to get through his "giants" of fear and doubt and things like that. He has a sort of epiphany and comes to a new "game plan". He tells his team, "If we win, we praise God. And if we lose, we praise God." Wow. One moment in the movie, he asks his wife if she'll still love God if they can't have a child (I'm telling you I really needed this!) and she has to struggle to find out if she will or not. Do you know what that feels like? It's horrible! It's like you feel absolutely horrible. About as tall as a snake. I've gone through that in small bouts in the past year and there are some days I'm so mad at God! But I know deep, deep, deep down inside I'm still going to love God even if we can't have a baby. And I need to take on the game plan of the coach and praise God in the wins . . . and the losses.

Sunday Blues

I've been struggling in worship. I don't really want to be there. I sing the songs, but for the most part don't listen to what I'm saying. I don't pay much attention to the sermon at all. I'd like to blame it all on the fact that our preacher doesn't dig very deep when he preaches and I like more "meat" in my sermons. I'd like to blame on the distractions around me. But I came to the conclusion yesterday that it's my fault. I finally looked at some of the words I'd been singing for years. I listened to what I was saying and realized that I hadn't been meaning it in my life. Instead of thanking God for the blessings He gives me over and over again . . . more than I'll ever need . . . I'm focusing on the one thing I don't have.
I was talking with Jeremy about it last night and told him that. He glanced at me (he was driving and couldn't give me a full look) and said, "Sometimes I wonder if you really need me to be your spiritual leader. You seem to do a good job of it by yourself."
So, I guess I'm going to start trying to take care of the problem. I know I have it and that's the next step, right? I need to thank God for my blessings. I have plenty. And I need to give the rest to Him. That's the hardest part for me. The very hardest. I'm not good at letting go and letting God.
***
I was a hostess at a baby shower yesterday and sat next to the happy couple to write down their gifts for them. We all oohed and ahhed over the cute little clothes and toys. And I was asked again if Jeremy and I were thinking of having kids. That's a hard question for me. If I say "yes" they want details. If I say "no" I lie. I think I just gave them a crooked smile.
Someone else noticed my "blues." She sent me an email today saying she had noticed I seemed to be in a sad place and wondered if it was about wanting a baby. Do I need to try harder to look happy? Or just go ahead and admit to the rest of the world the struggles we're going through right now? I'm obviously not hiding my emotions very well lately.
I'm not trying to make anyone sad with my posts. I'm sort of just thinking out loud.

Nanowrimo Begins

It's Nanowrimo. National Novel Writing Month. Check out details at http://www.nanowrimo.org/. This is probably the third or fourth time I'm trying it and we'll see how far I get this year. I did get a "complete" story the last time I did it, although it wasn't quite to 50,000 words. Just over 40, actually. And I've since rewritten about half of it and am still working on finishing that rewrite as well as finishing fleshing it out. I'm hoping to get farther this time. Here's an excerpt from the story of the year.

Maybe it had been the romance of the moment or the starry sky or the fact that it was prom night, but when he dropped her off that night, she had lingered before going inside, enjoying the warm night and the boy leaning on the car next to her. And when he had asked her what she would be doing in ten years—if she would remember this night—she had just shrugged. Then, on a whim, she had suggested something: if they were both unmarried at their ten year high school reunion, they would marry each other. It was something right out of the movies. She had thought twenty-eight would make her an old maid and couldn’t imagine not being married by then. Yet, here she was, 28 today and still single. Was he still single, too? He had agreed those many years ago to her spontaneous plan and had even sealed it with the gentlest of kisses on her cheek.

As of today, I'm at 1,585 words and counting. Encourage me!

Tricks and Treats

Overall, I guess this hasn't been a horrible Halloween. I love the holiday. It's probably my favorite. The fall air, the candy, the dressing up and overall fun of it!
And it was pay day. Always good.
But the biggest trick of all that happened to me, was that I went from being on day 29 of my cycle back to day 1. Guess all those hopes get to start again. It hit me hard yesterday. I think the combination of hormones and stress didn't help. I had a slight breakdown -- for 20 minutes. I had gotten on Facebook to check statuses one more time before work and saw that one of my friends who has been married for only a couple of months is expecting. For some reason, that sent me over the edge. I sobbed and thought about not going to work. I'd been cramping and spotting for two days and my test confirmed that I was not pregnant. It just seemed so unfair that she could get what I had been wanting for years in just a few months. I did make it in to work, but it took a bit for me to really get control of myself and keep my tearducts dry.
Jeremy points out that we just get to try some more. And I know it was just the first cycle of Clomid and it's very rare for things like this to work on the first try . . . but it would have been perfect timing in my mind. I know. God's timing is different. I'm so sick of hearing about God's perfect timing and God's perfect plan for me. I know He has one and He's looking out for me, but that doesn't make it easier to live with right now. I know I'll look back on this and really appreciate my child more because it took so much extra work to get him/her. But that doesn't really help either.
I'm not giving up on God, mind you. I'm just . . . frustrated with Him. And that's a scary place to be.
Hope I didn't ruin anyone's Halloween with this news. I really do love this day. And thanks to all my friends who are helping me through it!

Poly C

When the doctor looked at my test results, she told me I probably have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I had sort of figured that out by myself and given that diagnosis to Jeremy and some friends, but it was pretty scary to hear it from someone who KNOWS way more than I do. I had just been reading article after article trying to figure out why my periods were so messed up. I came across this one (http://www.babyzone.com/mom_dad/womens_health/pcos/article/living-with-pcos-pg2#bm4) and here are the symptoms they list for PCOS.

Common PCOS Symptoms:
Irregular periods
Heavy/prolonged periods
Absent periods
Ovarian cysts
Irregular or absent ovulation
Hirsutism (excess facial/body hair)
Alopecia (male-pattern hair loss)
Insulin resistance
Weight problems
Adult acne
Skin tags
Acanthosis nigricans (brown skin patches, often found on the nape of the neck)
High cholesterol levels
High blood pressure
Exhaustion and/or lack of mental alertness (especially at end of day)
Decreased sex drive
High levels of "male" hormones such as androgens, DHEAS, or testosterone
Infertility
Decreased breast size
Enlarged clitoris (considered rare)
Enlarged ovaries
Enlarged uterus
Migraines (less recognized, not well studied)
Depression (may be caused by hormonal imbalances or as a result of suffering symptoms which adversely affect self-esteem)

I've highlighted the ones in red that were most noticable in me. And the ones in green are the ones I have a little bit. Obviously, I don't have excess weight gain or high blood pressure or anything. And the usual people with this "disease" are usually more overweight. I don't think I've even had a cyst before. But you can't deny the first three. As to the excess facial hair . . . that's the part I hate most. I'd always had one or two little coarse black hairs on my chin that I just keep plucked. But since getting off of birth control, I've noticed a few more above my lip, too. And I'm not the only one who's noticed. Several of the kids at school look at me and say, "Why do you have a mustache?" I'm totally embarrassed and totally upset by it. It doesn't bother Jeremy, but I guess my self-esteem is lower than it should be. I know it's silly to worry about a little hair -- and lots of women have hair above their lips. But that's the part I hate the most about having Poly C.

A Day in the Life

Not many people understand what I do every afternoon when I become the Extended Care Enrichment Aide at Brentwood Christian School in Austin, TX. Here's a "typical" day (although this might not have all happened on the same day, quite often we have more or less these scenarios, and I'm using situations that really did happen).
I get to work a little before two and collect my thoughts and breath before exiting my car to walk in Building B. Walking down the hallway, I catch snippets of third grade Bible and social studies as I pass their classrooms to get to ours. When I get in, I place my stuff beside the hamster cage and Miss Lilly pokes her head up to look at me before burrowing back under her bedding. Amber says "hi" and Arin says, "Hey, Mrs. Anguish." Even though Arin really is one of our aides, he isn't supposed to be there until 8th period and it's seventh. He's skipping Mr. Anguish's study hall again. I gather supplies and make sure I have everything ready for the K-2nd enrichment activity of the week. Since it's a run-around game outside this week, they're liking it better than the leaf wreath we made last week. I don't get as many "Do we have to?"s. Then, I make sure I have everything for my 3rd-6th grade club. Since it's Tuesday, I'm doing scrapbooking today. This club takes a lot of patience and endurance as it's pure chaos. Someone over the years has donated miscellaneous bits and pieces until we have three boxes full of scrapbooking supplies. The girls in the club are chatterboxes and talk about the Jonas brothers more than they work. Oh well. That's later. I have to get through my "little kids" first.
At 2:23, Kendra and I head over to Building A, the lower elementary. I unlock the door and we split up to each hall. I poke my head in Mrs. Troutman's door to warn her I'll be right back for her curbside kids and then go collect the kids from Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Allen down the hall. "Did you get your jacket?" "Zip your backpack up." "Shh. You need to be quiet in the hallway." We herd our way back down to get Mrs. Troutman's kids and we're out the door. We get up to our curbside corner and I start getting kids in cars while we wait for the 1st and 2nd graders. They're usually out about the same time we are, racing up the hill, knocking people over as they go. The bell rings and I finally see them coming so we can get these impatient parents out of here. "Adelle! Come on! Your mom is right here!" "Please stay off the sidewalk so no one runs you over." "Hello, Mrs. Weed!" At 2:40 the first chaos of the day is over. I take the "leftover" kids and walk to Extended Care in the Family Life Center (FLC).
I walk past the gym part of the FLC to the tables in the cafeteria to help Mr. Allen finish checking kids in. He's usually almost done by the time I get there. I gather my Palm Trees (the Volcanoes had their turn yesterday) and we line up at the back door to go play a game. I bring two long jump ropes to work as our lines and we head down the hill to play beside the gazebo. I place my lines at a pretty good distance and explain the rules of "Run, Rabbit, Run" to the few kindergarterners who have not had a chance to play the game before. Everyone is so excited, I give up on rules and let them line up to play with two being the taggers. After three passes (one skip, one gallop, and one run), all but two have been tagged and are sitting down, so we take the two left and they are the new taggers. Eventually, I don't have any winners who haven't been taggers before, so I start picking kids from the middle until everyone has had a turn. Rats! I have an odd number. I let one kid go twice. Of course, on the last play of the game, two kids collide and Andrew gets a bloody nose. I mean, it's gushing. I hate bloody noses. I send him inside to Mr. Allen while I gather everyone else up ("Stay away from the blood! Come on!") and bring them back inside with the others for a few minutes before snack. I can see the trail of blood as we walk inside and all the kids say "Ew!" as they tiptoe around it, like it's going to attack them!
Mr. Allen has given up on getting Andrew's nose to stop, so I'm starting him across campus to the nurse while he starts the kids on snack. We catch Amber as she comes in to give Cayden his ADHD pill and she has us wait for her. Drip, drip. More red spots on the floor. I feel sorry for the cleaning crew. Amber comes back and looks more closely at Andrew to see that he's still gushing so she picks up this little kindergartener (I swear they start out smaller every year) and we hightail it across campus. The crossing guards wave us across with their yellow flags and everyone who sees us whispers "What happened to him?" We get him to Nancy (our nurse) who knows just what to do, and I head back to help Mr. Allen finish up snack. He's already got them lined up and heading out the door so I tag on at the end, behind Cayden and Keri. I hear what they're saying. "Cayden, you're going to marry me, right?" "Yeah." "Why are you going to marry me, Cayden?" "I don't know." They're in first grade. I hide my laughter as I try to get them to catch up to the rest of the line and get to the playground.
I have a few moments to catch my breath on the playground while I wait for Paige to get out there. I enjoy sitting on the bench with Mr. Allen while the cool fall breeze blows by and I can hear the kids laughing as they swing upside down (I probably shouldn't be letting them do that, but they're short enough they won't graze the ground). Several girls bring their drama over "Jordan took her beads back from Zoe after she promised Zoe could have them." I hear Zoe crying. We always have some kind of drama. Mr. Allen calls it our own little Peyton Place.
Paige comes and I head inside to deal with 3rd-6th graders. I get back to the room in Building B, grab a snack (Animal Crackers, but I'm starving), and get the girls to help me carry the boxes. They plop into the chairs in the teacher's workroom and talk excitedly about the pictures they brought to put in their books today. I pass out the scrapbooks gently as they have stuffed items inside they wanted to use but didn't get to last time inside. "Mrs. Anguish, I need help," Samantha whines. "Claudya, why aren't you working?" I ask. "I don't know what to do." I try to help three girls at once and it isn't easy as scrapbooking is a detailed process. The girls end up leaving part-way through and I only have two left to help clean up at 4:55. They talk about everything they're going to do next time as we go back to the classroom. I spend a few moments straightening up and then it's time to leave.
The best part of the day: meeting Jeremy at the car to go home together.

Ups and Downs

I've been tracking my basal body temperature and other "signs" since February of this year. That was about five or six months into our trying to conceive. That's how the doctor knew with one look that I wasn't ovulating. Normal cycles are supposed to have a pattern. You're supposed to have fairly low temperatures before you ovulate and high after. I was having temperatures all over the chart with no pattern whatsoever. And my cycles were more like seasons in length. My periods were all over the place in length, too. I had one that was 56 days long. That's when I called the doctor, too. She ran some tests and determined that I probably have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). This syndrome comes with many side-effects, some of which are more annoying than others. The thing is, I'm not a typical PCOS person as I'm not overweight and most women with the . . . I guess it's a disease . . . are. Anyway, she put me on Clomid as you know. We declared the day I got the pills to be day 5 of my cycle as I had no idea when the real day 5 was. I started taking it and kept taking my temperatures. Last week my temperature spiked. And it's been up for days. I'm practically willing myself to have high temperatures (in the upper 97s and 98s) every morning as I stick the thermometer between my teeth and wait for the beep. So far, it's up. 98.2 this morning. It was 97.5 yesterday. 98.6 the day before. I hardly ever register as 98.6. Jeremy and I keep looking at each other and saying, "Maybe . . ." "What if?" What if I really am? These are my daily ups and downs. Ups of hope. Ups of temperature. Downs of trying to keep myself from hoping too much.

This Weekend

We often look at each other and wonder aloud if we'll get a weekend off anytime soon. This weekend was not one. We did take Friday night to veg and do nothing, though. Saturday, however, was packed. We got up early (you have to realize that 8:00 a.m. is early for people who don't have kids on a Saturday morning) to go get our Angel Food box. Angel Food is a really neat program we do where we pay $30 every month and get a box FULL of meat and vegetables. I couldn't get all the meat (or the variety) at a grocery store for any less. It help us supplement our grocery bills and it's not bad. If you want to check it out, go to www.angelfoodministries.org.
We brought our box of food home and unpacked it, ate breakfast and got ready to go again. This time, we headed to the church building to move furniture. As preachers' kids we are both so used to moving furniture at the church building that when help is asked for, it's ingrained in us to go. I'm thinking that probably makes our parents happy. So, we helped set up and straighten the lines of folding chairs under the huge tent in the church parking lot, decorate the lunch tables in the auditorium (I think it's hilarious that we ate inside and worshipped outside), and did other various odd jobs to get ready for today. More about today later.
The afternoon was spent quietly. I watched a movie on TV while Jeremy slept off a sinus headache he's had all week. Then, we loaded up again to head back to the church building for Trunk'n'Treat. I adore Halloween and everything that goes with it. Even though we don't have a child to take to get candy, I love being there to help out with this fun event. The costumes are always wonderful. One family of friends dressed up with just a letter across their chest. His was an E and hers and the son's were P's. He was email, she was chickpea, the boy was sweetpea. I love it. I saw Charlie Brown, several Hannah Montanas and East High cheerleaders (which amuses me as the stars of the movies aren't even cheerleaders), the inevitable Disney princesses and dinosaurs and pumpkins . . . Love it. I got to stand behind the cookies with another lady to try and keep the kids from touching every one as they made up their minds which one they wanted. Whew. We got home about 8:30.
We were back at the church building at 8:30 this morning. Normally, that would be late for us, as we tend to go to the early service starting at 8, but today was Friends' Day. It started with Bible Class at 9:30. This is the reason for the tent. Jeremy was helping park cars so were there extra early. They were hoping for 1200 people (our congregation is somewhere over 700 normally). I don't think they made it as we had set up about 1100 chairs and still had empty. Oh well. We did have a fairly good crowd, maybe 1000. Lunch was catered by Jason's Deli as one of our members is an owner of a local one. Then, we had 1:00 singing and a short message and were out by 2. We would normally stay to clean up, but Jeremy was up most the night regretting the three corn dogs he had eaten at Trunk'n'Treat, so we came home to nap. Now, I'm collecting my thoughts and anticipating the rest of the week. We have to make it through to Friday without money and that's going to be interesting. Maybe Jeremy will get a late birthday card with a few dollars to hold us over. At least the weather is fabulous! I love the chilly mornings and nights with the warm days. It almost feels like fall finally. If only it didn't make the kids twice as crazy . . .

Right now

I'm typing my first post with a purring cat in my lap. I don't know if he'll be much help, but at least he's warm on my cold legs. I don't really know why I'm starting this blog. I'm not even good at writing in my personal journal anymore. But here I am. We'll see where this goes.
I'm a hypochondriac and have always worried about getting some deadly disease. Or even just a bad one that wasn't deadly. I've also always wanted to be a mom. So, when my fears about infertility started proving that they might come true this last year, I wasn't at all sure what to feel. I know I worry too much and let things build up inside of me to where I can't stop thinking about them. I was hoping I was just reading too much into the fact that my cycles were messed up and we still weren't pregnant after a year of trying. The doctor confirmed several weeks ago that I am not ovulating. She put me on Clomid, one of the things I NEVER wanted to do. I had heard horror stories of what it did to other women who took it, including giving them depression. Since that particular disease runs in my family, I had to be extra scared of doing anything to make the chances higher of me becoming depressed as well. But, it was the option she gave me and she was optimistic. So, we took Clomid.
Now, we're in the waiting part. This is the hardest part to me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time don't want to think about the fact that it might not have worked. It was only the first month of us taking it and it does take some women longer than a month to conceive on fertility drugs. But I want to hold on to the hope. I want to think there is someone growing inside of me right now, days old. It's a terrifying and wonderful thought all at once.
So, instead of not thinking about it, like I probably should be, I am blogging about it. I'm throwing it out for all the world to see. A bit scary. A bit crazy. But maybe it will help me get through the waiting part -- and help me get to the part where I know for sure if it worked.
Okay, so I'm only throwing it out for certain people to see right now . . . but maybe eventually I'll get up the nerve to open my blog up to the whole world. We'll see.