For those of you who are keeping track, we're on to cycle three. I started my pills again last night. Merry Christmas to me. It was really hard to accept this time. With the proof of ovulation a month or so ago, it was like all our excuses for it not working were out the window. Jeremy had a hard time with it, too. He may have had an even harder time than I did although I shed my share of tears. I'm doing better again. After all, even though each new cycle comes with disappointment, it also comes with hope. The doctor said we'd try this for six months/cycles and see what happens. We've got five more shots before we have to move on to another plan. Keep praying. I may need even more peace later this week when we get together with some of my extended family, including a cousin with a baby. It's not that I don't want her to have an extremely cute child. I know somewhere deep down inside I even might want to meet the kid and love on him. But right now it's hard because I don't have one, too. And I did the math the other day . . . I'll now be at least 31 before I get to be a mommy. So much for having kids at 25. Or even around the same time as my mom. She turned 31 several months after I was born. I know there's no real time-frame we're obligated to fill, but it's frustrating to see me getting older year after year with not much to show for it.
Sorry if I've depressed you all on Christmas day, but I know a lot of you are keeping up with me and would want to know. Pray hard!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Second Ultrasound . . . or Third, really, I guess
Second round of clomid is complete. We did 100 mg this time instead of 50. I went in for the ultrasound today. I was around day 17. Nothing in the right ovary. Left ovary showed signs of . . . wait. Doesn't that look like I already ovulated? Yep. Yep, it does. Wahoo! I did something most women take for grated every month!
Now, please pray HARD that everything gets together like it's supposed to. And that I won't count my chickens too much before they hatch. . . . again.
Now, please pray HARD that everything gets together like it's supposed to. And that I won't count my chickens too much before they hatch. . . . again.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Results
I took a test tonight. It was negative. I'll call the doctor next week to discuss the next step of the plan. I hate this. I had gotten my hopes up really high this time . . . it just FELT like it worked. And then . . .
It was going to be perfect timing because we could have announced it to the families at Thanksgiving . . .
I was even okay with being pregnant through the summer.
But . . .
It was negative. Only one stripe instead of two. Again.
It was going to be perfect timing because we could have announced it to the families at Thanksgiving . . .
I was even okay with being pregnant through the summer.
But . . .
It was negative. Only one stripe instead of two. Again.
Monday, November 5, 2012
You would think. . .
You would think that with the time change, I'd be asleep already. Instead, I'm up and my brain won't shut off. No. It's not THAT late, but it is getting close to my bedtime.
For those of you who wanted to know, my doctor visit last week was inconclusive. He saw a follicle that was about 16mm, but he really wanted it closer to 20 to prove ovulation. He told me to do the every-other-day sex for a week and then take a test around day 35 if a new cycle didn't start by then. I'm to call him either way. If it doesn't work, we'll do a double nose next cycle.
I have no idea if it worked or not. I'm trying very hard not to over-analyze everything my body is doing or not doing right now. I'm busy and stressed at work because it's payroll week and we had something else dumped on us which means I got some overtime (not always a good thing). I was stressed at home thinking about whether or not the clomid had worked. And I was stressed because I knew I wasn't supposed to be stressed since that makes it harder to get pregnant.
Add to that I've started nanowrimo again. I'm over 10,000 words already, but I'm writing a story of two sisters who have to learn to love each other through their own separate struggles. The older sister struggles with infertility. It's hard to write, and yet not hard at all. It's been building up in me the last year or so and I'm just now to where I feel like I can let it out again.
So, now you're sort of updated on me.
Stressed but blessed. And now I should really go to bed.
For those of you who wanted to know, my doctor visit last week was inconclusive. He saw a follicle that was about 16mm, but he really wanted it closer to 20 to prove ovulation. He told me to do the every-other-day sex for a week and then take a test around day 35 if a new cycle didn't start by then. I'm to call him either way. If it doesn't work, we'll do a double nose next cycle.
I have no idea if it worked or not. I'm trying very hard not to over-analyze everything my body is doing or not doing right now. I'm busy and stressed at work because it's payroll week and we had something else dumped on us which means I got some overtime (not always a good thing). I was stressed at home thinking about whether or not the clomid had worked. And I was stressed because I knew I wasn't supposed to be stressed since that makes it harder to get pregnant.
Add to that I've started nanowrimo again. I'm over 10,000 words already, but I'm writing a story of two sisters who have to learn to love each other through their own separate struggles. The older sister struggles with infertility. It's hard to write, and yet not hard at all. It's been building up in me the last year or so and I'm just now to where I feel like I can let it out again.
So, now you're sort of updated on me.
Stressed but blessed. And now I should really go to bed.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
In a Few Hours
In a few hours, I'll be at the doctor's office, having another ultrasound. We'll see if the meds are working or not.
Part of me doesn't think it is. I'm trying to not look for signs or work myself up over this. It's only the first month we've been officially trying again.
The other part of me . . . she's seeing signs everywhere.
Say a prayer for me this morning. I'll let you know what he says.
Part of me doesn't think it is. I'm trying to not look for signs or work myself up over this. It's only the first month we've been officially trying again.
The other part of me . . . she's seeing signs everywhere.
Say a prayer for me this morning. I'll let you know what he says.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Almost to Action
Had an ultrasound on Monday (a day my doctor wasn't actually in the office -- no idea why they scheduled it that way, but that's another rant), and talked to him today. They found a small fibroid . . . tumor-like thing. I just hate the word tumor. He's not worried about it, says it doesn't appear to have any effect on my fertility and so we're moving on to the next phase of the plan. I'll start Clomid on Sunday (not as soon as I was hoping to, but at least we're getting closer) and then have another ultrasound on the 30th to see if it's working. We're starting again on the lowest dose since it's been so many years since we tried this.
I'm also going to try some herbal tea I found on amazon. It's called Fertilitea and there were quite a few really good reviews on it. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it just seems like there's more action going on this time than the last time we tried anything. I'm hoping that's a good sign.
Say a few extra prayers. Last time I took Clomid, I enjoyed nausea, dizziness and major mood swings. Here we go!
I'm also going to try some herbal tea I found on amazon. It's called Fertilitea and there were quite a few really good reviews on it. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it just seems like there's more action going on this time than the last time we tried anything. I'm hoping that's a good sign.
Say a few extra prayers. Last time I took Clomid, I enjoyed nausea, dizziness and major mood swings. Here we go!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Update
My bloodwork came back normal. It's not my thyroid causing the problems. We'll proceed with the plan we laid out last Monday by going back this Monday for an ultrasound to make sure the ovaries and uterus look fine. Then, on to a new round of Clomid. I re-read my journal entries last night from the last time I was on it. Not fun. Not looking forward to it, but hoping to be pregnant in the next year.
My Grandpa's tumors have been shrinking. Unfortunately, they found a new tumor and it is NOT shrinking with the chemo. So, on to a new drug that costs a LOT of money per pill. Actually thankful for Medicaid right now.
My parents are going to have to move at the end of this month. They stayed at this place for four years. Compared to some of the places my dad preached when I was really little, that's a little better, but still . . . he was hoping to stay here until he retired. Sometimes, I hate how society has affected the church and now a lot of congregations decide that one thing going wrong means they need a new preacher instead of just dealing with what went wrong and supporting the man who is preaching truth to people who don't want to hear it. I'm off my rant now. I know the church is made up of people and no one is perfect, but it seems like shouldn't we be MORE perfect than the rest of the world?
My Grandpa's tumors have been shrinking. Unfortunately, they found a new tumor and it is NOT shrinking with the chemo. So, on to a new drug that costs a LOT of money per pill. Actually thankful for Medicaid right now.
My parents are going to have to move at the end of this month. They stayed at this place for four years. Compared to some of the places my dad preached when I was really little, that's a little better, but still . . . he was hoping to stay here until he retired. Sometimes, I hate how society has affected the church and now a lot of congregations decide that one thing going wrong means they need a new preacher instead of just dealing with what went wrong and supporting the man who is preaching truth to people who don't want to hear it. I'm off my rant now. I know the church is made up of people and no one is perfect, but it seems like shouldn't we be MORE perfect than the rest of the world?
Monday, October 8, 2012
A Plan of Action
So, today was mostly just a check up and the start of coming up with a plan. My doctor is going to get my records from my past doctor so he can have the whole history. He also took some blood today to test things like my thyroid to see if maybe that's causing it. Next week, I'll go back to review the test results and he wants to do an ultrasound to see if things are the way they're supposed to be. If the tests come back okay, he suggested we just go ahead and start back on clomid to see if we can find a level that will work. Since it's been several years since we tried that, I'm okay with trying it again for a while. If we can't find a dosage that works, then he said I'll probably need to go see a fertility endocrinologist, which would mean going to Dallas as there are no actual fertility specialists here. We're praying that something works with this first plan so that we don't have to make constant trips back and forth between here and Dallas (at least two hours there and two hours back). Anyway, that's the plan right now, and I'll keep you updated. Thanks for any prayers you've offered so far and for those you offer in the future.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Tomorrow
This is the post I need to post and yet don't want to face at all.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my well-woman visit. And to talk to him about options. I need to know what can be done to get me closer to finding out WHY. And knowing whether or not there is a solution to this problem.
So, tomorrow may start a huge roller coaster we'll be riding for a while, or maybe just another portion of this roller coaster. Maybe the last five years have been the Up, Up, Up, Up part with just a few downs and now we're heading into the loop-the-loops and twists and turns that come with the ups and downs. I'm not really sure. I just know every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat and I feel nervous and unsure and teary.
So, I'm asking anyone and everyone who reads this today and tomorrow, please say a prayer for me . . . and for Jeremy, too, because he's on this ride right beside me. I need peace and strength and the ability to hold on to hope.
I'm struggling lately with everyone saying, "But God will answer your prayers if you pray hard enough." I tell them, "But He doesn't always answer with a 'yes.'" I'm not saying we'll never have kids. I'm just struggling with the fact that we've been praying for this for five years. I know there's power in prayer. And I know our God loves us and that His plans for us are bigger and better than the plans we could make for ourselves. That doesn't always make it easier to live through the parts of waiting.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my well-woman visit. And to talk to him about options. I need to know what can be done to get me closer to finding out WHY. And knowing whether or not there is a solution to this problem.
So, tomorrow may start a huge roller coaster we'll be riding for a while, or maybe just another portion of this roller coaster. Maybe the last five years have been the Up, Up, Up, Up part with just a few downs and now we're heading into the loop-the-loops and twists and turns that come with the ups and downs. I'm not really sure. I just know every time I think about it, my heart skips a beat and I feel nervous and unsure and teary.
So, I'm asking anyone and everyone who reads this today and tomorrow, please say a prayer for me . . . and for Jeremy, too, because he's on this ride right beside me. I need peace and strength and the ability to hold on to hope.
I'm struggling lately with everyone saying, "But God will answer your prayers if you pray hard enough." I tell them, "But He doesn't always answer with a 'yes.'" I'm not saying we'll never have kids. I'm just struggling with the fact that we've been praying for this for five years. I know there's power in prayer. And I know our God loves us and that His plans for us are bigger and better than the plans we could make for ourselves. That doesn't always make it easier to live through the parts of waiting.
Good Things
A friend pointed out to me the other day that I hadn't posted on here in a while. It's not that I hadn't had things in mind to post, just that I hadn't really sat down and done it.
So, here are some good things that have happend over the last month and a half. We paid off one credit card and the carpet that we had put in the house to sell it last year! We took the money from Jeremy preaching Labor Day weekend and used it on that first credit card. Then, when his raise kicked in in September, we used the raise and paid off the carpet. It's such a relief to just not have those hanging over us anymore. Now, we're down to two fairly big credit cards, but we're transferring their balances to another account so that we'll get 15 months with no interest. With that, we should be able to pay it off in a year or slightly more. I feel like I can breath again.
Also, health insurance benefits from my job kicked in this month so we are both going to get to go to the doctor. For the first time in a year, my husband is insured again and that is also a huge relief to me.
I'm trying to be grateful and not feel like the floor is about to open up and us fall through into more problems again. After several bad years, it's feeling almost too good to be true that this is working out so well right now. Please do me a favor and say a prayer of thanks for God answering those prayers the way He has and for taking care of us so well!
So, here are some good things that have happend over the last month and a half. We paid off one credit card and the carpet that we had put in the house to sell it last year! We took the money from Jeremy preaching Labor Day weekend and used it on that first credit card. Then, when his raise kicked in in September, we used the raise and paid off the carpet. It's such a relief to just not have those hanging over us anymore. Now, we're down to two fairly big credit cards, but we're transferring their balances to another account so that we'll get 15 months with no interest. With that, we should be able to pay it off in a year or slightly more. I feel like I can breath again.
Also, health insurance benefits from my job kicked in this month so we are both going to get to go to the doctor. For the first time in a year, my husband is insured again and that is also a huge relief to me.
I'm trying to be grateful and not feel like the floor is about to open up and us fall through into more problems again. After several bad years, it's feeling almost too good to be true that this is working out so well right now. Please do me a favor and say a prayer of thanks for God answering those prayers the way He has and for taking care of us so well!
Hard
I came down the hallway to put something up before trekking my bags out to the car and I stopped as I caught sight of my grandmother perched on the arm of Grandpa's chair, leaning over and kissing him, telling him she loved him. Tears sprang to my eyes.
It was Labor day and the weekend that had started out so well had not ended up going as planned. Jeremy and I had gone up on Saturday to spend the weekend. Grandpa had called earlier and asked Jeremy to preach while we were there so even though it was a long weekend, we knew it would still be busy.
We got to see one of my cousin's and her family (one four year old and two 18-month-olds and her husband). It was fun chaos and we all laughed together as my cousin and I made out the rolls for Grandma while she was on the phone with one of our aunts. After all, it was potluck Sunday that weekend and they wouldn't let us in if we didn't bring Grandma's rolls.
Sunday came and we all loaded up and headed to church, made it through class, and enjoyed Jeremy's sermon. We were eating, finishing up lunch in the fellowship room at the church building, when I looked over and noticed my Grandpa holding his head in his hands. Someone mentioned that we needed to finish up quickly because he wasn't feeling well. Next thing I know, he's passed out. His blood pressure dropped and just like that he was unconscious and unresponsive. Grandma hollered at a friend there who is a nurse and she came to check on him while they called 911.
I've never felt more helpless as I sat holding one of the twins and not sure what else to do. I knew he had passed out in the past, but for some reason, I had never pictured it like this. Drool dripped off his chin and his head hung down. The nurse rubbed his neck and checked his pulse, but didn't have her bag with her so couldn't do much more.
Jeremy helped steer the young ones into another room and then flagged down the ambulance as they got there. They came in and quickly moved my grandfather onto a stretcher to take out. Jeremy and I took Grandma to the emergency room while my cousin took her family back to the house for naps. Grandma was fairly calm as she steered Jeremy through the back roads and to where she's spent way too much time over the last year.
We went into the dingy little room and waited with her while she signed him in. Her hands shook as she pressed the black pen to the electronic pad. She kept pulling me close and saying she was glad she wasn't alone when he passed out this time (she had been the past two times). When they let us go back to the room he was in, he was wanting to sit up, but they couldn't let him because it made his blood pressure drop again. He was responsive again, talking to the nurses. He reached through the bars and held onto Grandma's hand, wanting to know everything that had happened. I got to see them do an EKG (I think that's what it's called) and take some blood. He offered the nurse my arm if she couldn't get any from his, so I could tell he was feeling better.
They did several more tests and decided maybe he had pneumonia again. My cousin and husband switched places and I got to catch up with her more than I had in years while we waited. Grandma finally came out and told us they were going to send him on to Tulsa. I watched them wheel him out to another ambulance to go north and then I went back to the house with Jeremy and called my mom and her sister and brothers to let them know.
Jeremy and I got to go get him the next morning before we headed home, but it was a rough weekend for me. It's so hard to see my hero, my Grandpa, so weak and . . . well, looking so old. I know he's old and we probably won't have him for many, many more years. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I thought about that kiss I had caught before we left on Monday and just broke down. Jeremy just held my hand as we headed down the turnpike towards Texas. He understands how hard it is to see our grandparents like that . . . he had done sort of the same trip to his grandparents earlier in the summer.
I'm glad I was there to help my Grandma that weekend. But if I get my choice, I don't want to see my Grandpa like that again.
It was Labor day and the weekend that had started out so well had not ended up going as planned. Jeremy and I had gone up on Saturday to spend the weekend. Grandpa had called earlier and asked Jeremy to preach while we were there so even though it was a long weekend, we knew it would still be busy.
We got to see one of my cousin's and her family (one four year old and two 18-month-olds and her husband). It was fun chaos and we all laughed together as my cousin and I made out the rolls for Grandma while she was on the phone with one of our aunts. After all, it was potluck Sunday that weekend and they wouldn't let us in if we didn't bring Grandma's rolls.
Sunday came and we all loaded up and headed to church, made it through class, and enjoyed Jeremy's sermon. We were eating, finishing up lunch in the fellowship room at the church building, when I looked over and noticed my Grandpa holding his head in his hands. Someone mentioned that we needed to finish up quickly because he wasn't feeling well. Next thing I know, he's passed out. His blood pressure dropped and just like that he was unconscious and unresponsive. Grandma hollered at a friend there who is a nurse and she came to check on him while they called 911.
I've never felt more helpless as I sat holding one of the twins and not sure what else to do. I knew he had passed out in the past, but for some reason, I had never pictured it like this. Drool dripped off his chin and his head hung down. The nurse rubbed his neck and checked his pulse, but didn't have her bag with her so couldn't do much more.
Jeremy helped steer the young ones into another room and then flagged down the ambulance as they got there. They came in and quickly moved my grandfather onto a stretcher to take out. Jeremy and I took Grandma to the emergency room while my cousin took her family back to the house for naps. Grandma was fairly calm as she steered Jeremy through the back roads and to where she's spent way too much time over the last year.
We went into the dingy little room and waited with her while she signed him in. Her hands shook as she pressed the black pen to the electronic pad. She kept pulling me close and saying she was glad she wasn't alone when he passed out this time (she had been the past two times). When they let us go back to the room he was in, he was wanting to sit up, but they couldn't let him because it made his blood pressure drop again. He was responsive again, talking to the nurses. He reached through the bars and held onto Grandma's hand, wanting to know everything that had happened. I got to see them do an EKG (I think that's what it's called) and take some blood. He offered the nurse my arm if she couldn't get any from his, so I could tell he was feeling better.
They did several more tests and decided maybe he had pneumonia again. My cousin and husband switched places and I got to catch up with her more than I had in years while we waited. Grandma finally came out and told us they were going to send him on to Tulsa. I watched them wheel him out to another ambulance to go north and then I went back to the house with Jeremy and called my mom and her sister and brothers to let them know.
Jeremy and I got to go get him the next morning before we headed home, but it was a rough weekend for me. It's so hard to see my hero, my Grandpa, so weak and . . . well, looking so old. I know he's old and we probably won't have him for many, many more years. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I thought about that kiss I had caught before we left on Monday and just broke down. Jeremy just held my hand as we headed down the turnpike towards Texas. He understands how hard it is to see our grandparents like that . . . he had done sort of the same trip to his grandparents earlier in the summer.
I'm glad I was there to help my Grandma that weekend. But if I get my choice, I don't want to see my Grandpa like that again.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Great is Thy Faithfulness
This is one of my favorite hymns. Really pay attention to the words as you read them.
"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!
We sang it tonight at church and I started crying as we sang the last verse. God blesses us so richly. Someone had posted something on facebook the other day about how God was blessing them, had finally answered a prayer or something like that. My mom had commented on how God blesses us even when it's not necessarily the blessing we're wanting the most. We're still blessed even if we don't get what we think we need.
I pretty much figured out today that even though I was beginning to believe I was about to get the best birthday present ever (I was two and a half weeks "late"), I'm not. I was dealing with it, but wasn't happy. And then as we were singing that beautiful song, it helped me remember that I am blessed no matter what. Even though I want so badly to be a mommy, and even though I wanted it to happen before 30 (which is next week), I'm going to be blessed even if none of that ever happens. It hurts to think about it not happening, but even if it doesn't, I'm still majorly blessed.
We're waiting on my health insurance from work to kick in before going to any doctors or anything, in case you were wondering. Anyway, it's just been a long day and that song got to me. I still believe it and sing it with all my heart, but together with the sermon tonight (which was on Isaiah 43:1-7, a GREAT verse about how God is with us through every struggle and hardship), I got a good dose of reminding that God will help me through this disappointment just like all the others and that He is good all the time, even when it doesn't feel like anything in this life is going the way we had it planned.
Great is His faithfulness.
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
- "Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!
We sang it tonight at church and I started crying as we sang the last verse. God blesses us so richly. Someone had posted something on facebook the other day about how God was blessing them, had finally answered a prayer or something like that. My mom had commented on how God blesses us even when it's not necessarily the blessing we're wanting the most. We're still blessed even if we don't get what we think we need.
I pretty much figured out today that even though I was beginning to believe I was about to get the best birthday present ever (I was two and a half weeks "late"), I'm not. I was dealing with it, but wasn't happy. And then as we were singing that beautiful song, it helped me remember that I am blessed no matter what. Even though I want so badly to be a mommy, and even though I wanted it to happen before 30 (which is next week), I'm going to be blessed even if none of that ever happens. It hurts to think about it not happening, but even if it doesn't, I'm still majorly blessed.
We're waiting on my health insurance from work to kick in before going to any doctors or anything, in case you were wondering. Anyway, it's just been a long day and that song got to me. I still believe it and sing it with all my heart, but together with the sermon tonight (which was on Isaiah 43:1-7, a GREAT verse about how God is with us through every struggle and hardship), I got a good dose of reminding that God will help me through this disappointment just like all the others and that He is good all the time, even when it doesn't feel like anything in this life is going the way we had it planned.
Great is His faithfulness.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Re-examining Mindsets
I was raised in a house where nothing was worn on Sunday morning except your nicest. And for me, that meant a dress. Never slacks, even when it was really cold outside. Of course, when I was growing up, there weren't that many women wearing slacks on Sunday morning. I didn't think much about it.
Now that I'm grown up (I guess being almost 30, I am, aren't I?), I still follow that rule. My husband doesn't mind either way, but I know he likes the way I look in a dress. I overheard a couple of ladies talking about shopping after services on Wednesday night so I went over to join their conversation. They were complaining about how hard it is to find anything modest and nice to wear anymore. I, who know how to use a sewing machine, hadn't thought about the fact that someone larger than I am (and I usually wear a 4 or 6, if you must know) would have as hard a time finding something dressy to wear as I do. I mean, they make a LOT of immodest clothing for skinny people and even though I'm not completely in love with my body, I know it's still skinny. I didn't realize that there was as much for people in the bigger sizes, too. I am so blessed because of my sewing abilities and hand-me-downs from friends who decided they'll never fit into these things again after having baby #1/2/3/4 . . . and my ability to be able to find a skirt here and a top there that I can tell is going to go together. And even if it doesn't fit perfectly, I can alter most things to fit better or be more modest if they're too low cut.
This is the first time that I guess I realized a lot of women wear slacks on Sunday mornings now because they can't find anything else that is modest enough for them to feel comfortable in. I always considered the pants side of it, never the modest side. Does that make sense? And please don't think that I judged them harshly for wearing pants. I didn't understand it, as my grandmothers would never dare set foot in a church building in pants on Sunday morning so I didn't realize anyone in the generation between them and my parents would. I was glad they were there, whatever they wore. I just didn't realize that their reason for wearing pants wasn't because they felt themselves liberated enough to do so . . . it was because there's nothing out there that works as well. (And yes, I realize this doesn't cover all women everywhere, but it probably covers more than I ever thought about.)
Who wants to help me start a modest clothing line for older women? I've been thoroughly reminded to stop jumping to conclusions. ;-)
Now that I'm grown up (I guess being almost 30, I am, aren't I?), I still follow that rule. My husband doesn't mind either way, but I know he likes the way I look in a dress. I overheard a couple of ladies talking about shopping after services on Wednesday night so I went over to join their conversation. They were complaining about how hard it is to find anything modest and nice to wear anymore. I, who know how to use a sewing machine, hadn't thought about the fact that someone larger than I am (and I usually wear a 4 or 6, if you must know) would have as hard a time finding something dressy to wear as I do. I mean, they make a LOT of immodest clothing for skinny people and even though I'm not completely in love with my body, I know it's still skinny. I didn't realize that there was as much for people in the bigger sizes, too. I am so blessed because of my sewing abilities and hand-me-downs from friends who decided they'll never fit into these things again after having baby #1/2/3/4 . . . and my ability to be able to find a skirt here and a top there that I can tell is going to go together. And even if it doesn't fit perfectly, I can alter most things to fit better or be more modest if they're too low cut.
This is the first time that I guess I realized a lot of women wear slacks on Sunday mornings now because they can't find anything else that is modest enough for them to feel comfortable in. I always considered the pants side of it, never the modest side. Does that make sense? And please don't think that I judged them harshly for wearing pants. I didn't understand it, as my grandmothers would never dare set foot in a church building in pants on Sunday morning so I didn't realize anyone in the generation between them and my parents would. I was glad they were there, whatever they wore. I just didn't realize that their reason for wearing pants wasn't because they felt themselves liberated enough to do so . . . it was because there's nothing out there that works as well. (And yes, I realize this doesn't cover all women everywhere, but it probably covers more than I ever thought about.)
Who wants to help me start a modest clothing line for older women? I've been thoroughly reminded to stop jumping to conclusions. ;-)
Monday, July 30, 2012
Less than a Month
It's less than a month to my birthday. Three decades is a long time. A lot can happen in 30 years, but I'm not sure how much I've actually accomplished in my time. I've graduated with a BA and gotten married. I've stayed married longer than several of my friends, sadly. (I say sadly not because I've stayed married for 8 years, but because it's such a short time to have friends who have already ended theirs.) I'm not a mom yet. I'm I'm not rich. I'm not even out of debt. And as far as I know, I haven't helped anyone come to Christ. So, have I wasted my first 30 years? I'm not sure. But I know I want to do better in my second 30 years.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Strange Times
So, normally in the middle of my cycle, I'm more hopeful and positive-thinking, but this time just seems like it's going the opposite direction. I know I've said we're planning to look into fertility treatments this fall, but a girl can still hope a miracle happens before then. Anyway, while I've been trying to hope, it's almost like I'm trying not to hope at the same time.
We're heading to Austin this weekend for the Bible Teacher's Workshop there and to see friends. I'm looking forward to seeing friends from the five years we lived in that area except for one thing. . . a bunch of them are pregnant or have newborns. And while I love my friends and am (somewhere deep inside of me) happy for them, it's also hard for me, especially since most of them this is three or four kids for them. We're staying with friends who went through infertility and I've been missing them majorly. They were a huge support while we lived there and I have definitely missed having her around to talk it through. Not that I couldn't pick up a phone and call her, mind you. It's just not the same. And I never seem to get around to calling people like I should. I don't even email or facebook message people very well anymore.
Another thing . . . I keep seeing this preview for a movie about a couple who can't have kids and then, bam, a boy shows up in their home out of the garden. I sort of want to watch it. And I sort of don't. I think I'll cry if I do. Because a boy isn't going to just show up out of our garden (that would consist of one planter and a sad little tomato plant on my front porch right now).
See? I'm just not in an optimistic mood right now. Not sure why I'm feeling so down when so many things seem to be going right, but I am.
We're heading to Austin this weekend for the Bible Teacher's Workshop there and to see friends. I'm looking forward to seeing friends from the five years we lived in that area except for one thing. . . a bunch of them are pregnant or have newborns. And while I love my friends and am (somewhere deep inside of me) happy for them, it's also hard for me, especially since most of them this is three or four kids for them. We're staying with friends who went through infertility and I've been missing them majorly. They were a huge support while we lived there and I have definitely missed having her around to talk it through. Not that I couldn't pick up a phone and call her, mind you. It's just not the same. And I never seem to get around to calling people like I should. I don't even email or facebook message people very well anymore.
Another thing . . . I keep seeing this preview for a movie about a couple who can't have kids and then, bam, a boy shows up in their home out of the garden. I sort of want to watch it. And I sort of don't. I think I'll cry if I do. Because a boy isn't going to just show up out of our garden (that would consist of one planter and a sad little tomato plant on my front porch right now).
See? I'm just not in an optimistic mood right now. Not sure why I'm feeling so down when so many things seem to be going right, but I am.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Unexpected Mentoring
Remember several Christmases ago when I decided to write a book to help other people who were going through the same thing I'm going through? Well, just in case you were wondering, no, I've never gotten it written. Anyway, when I decided to do that, I really wanted God to use me and this bad situation for good. Instead, I've gotten caught up in my life and not gone in that direction I really wanted to go in.
Anyway, I had a friend call the other day who I haven't gotten to talk to in a while. I was in her wedding and have counseled her through various relationships and other things over the years since college. When she called to talk and started out by telling me that she and her husband have started trying to have kids, I wasn't sure where the conversation would go. I thought maybe she was going to tell me they had succeeded since she said she wanted to tell me instead of posting it on facebook.
Instead, she said she was dealing with disappointment because it had been three months and she had just started a new cycle. I completely understood since I had just started, too. And while I know three months isn't long, it can feel really long when each week brings more and more worries and wondering. For me, it's been almost five years. And while I talked her through some things rather calmly, inside I was struggling. For some reason, even though I want to be a mentor and help others through this struggle, I guess I'm not really ready inside yet. I'm still needing mentors myself.
It was just unexpected.
Anyway, I had a friend call the other day who I haven't gotten to talk to in a while. I was in her wedding and have counseled her through various relationships and other things over the years since college. When she called to talk and started out by telling me that she and her husband have started trying to have kids, I wasn't sure where the conversation would go. I thought maybe she was going to tell me they had succeeded since she said she wanted to tell me instead of posting it on facebook.
Instead, she said she was dealing with disappointment because it had been three months and she had just started a new cycle. I completely understood since I had just started, too. And while I know three months isn't long, it can feel really long when each week brings more and more worries and wondering. For me, it's been almost five years. And while I talked her through some things rather calmly, inside I was struggling. For some reason, even though I want to be a mentor and help others through this struggle, I guess I'm not really ready inside yet. I'm still needing mentors myself.
It was just unexpected.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Stability or Something Like It
The job I've been temping at for about three and a half months now is going to hire me full-time. It's not my dream job or anything, but it's a job I know with people I know and a steady paycheck. And after 90 more days, benefits, too.
Somehow, everything seems to be falling into place lately. Jeremy got his raise. Our rent went down. And now I'm getting hired full-time.
I've got to admit, I'm sort of waiting for the floor to fall out from under us after not having things like this happen for so long.
So, prayers of thanksgiving and praise to our God who has helped us through the really hard times and is now blessing us beyond what we were expecting. Isn't that what He always does, whether we recognize it or not?
Somehow, everything seems to be falling into place lately. Jeremy got his raise. Our rent went down. And now I'm getting hired full-time.
I've got to admit, I'm sort of waiting for the floor to fall out from under us after not having things like this happen for so long.
So, prayers of thanksgiving and praise to our God who has helped us through the really hard times and is now blessing us beyond what we were expecting. Isn't that what He always does, whether we recognize it or not?
Friday, June 8, 2012
Dread
With the decision to stay here made and the promise of some "extra" money this fall, not only are we talking about paying down our debt . . . something I've been longing for a while now. We're also talking about going to talk to a fertility specialist. I need to know why I'm not ovulating. I need to know why I can't have a baby. More than just "PCOS." And that makes me excited and dreading at the same time.
I was really hoping we'd never have to go through all the fertility treatment stuff. I was hoping against hope that a miracle would occur and I would just end up pregnant on my own instead of forking out thousands of dollars to go through agonizing months of trying while adding chemicals and hormones and needs and ultrasounds and other things I don't even want to think about. I wanted God to answer that prayer so badly. I still do. There's still time.
But at the same time, I'd like to know the reasons anyway. I want to know why I've had to go through these almost five years of hoping and crying and doubting and bitterness and jealousy and wishing and agonizing and negative pregnancy tests and answering questions about why we haven't "started our family yet." What's wrong with my body that it can't do what all the rest of my friends seem to be able to do with no problems . . . again and again and again?
So, I'm looking forward to finally doing something about this problem. I'm not looking forward to any of the treatments. And I don't even know what they are yet. In case you haven't realized this about me in reading this blog, I'm really good at expecting the worst. So, get ready. It could get interesting on here after summer. I'll keep you posted.
I was really hoping we'd never have to go through all the fertility treatment stuff. I was hoping against hope that a miracle would occur and I would just end up pregnant on my own instead of forking out thousands of dollars to go through agonizing months of trying while adding chemicals and hormones and needs and ultrasounds and other things I don't even want to think about. I wanted God to answer that prayer so badly. I still do. There's still time.
But at the same time, I'd like to know the reasons anyway. I want to know why I've had to go through these almost five years of hoping and crying and doubting and bitterness and jealousy and wishing and agonizing and negative pregnancy tests and answering questions about why we haven't "started our family yet." What's wrong with my body that it can't do what all the rest of my friends seem to be able to do with no problems . . . again and again and again?
So, I'm looking forward to finally doing something about this problem. I'm not looking forward to any of the treatments. And I don't even know what they are yet. In case you haven't realized this about me in reading this blog, I'm really good at expecting the worst. So, get ready. It could get interesting on here after summer. I'll keep you posted.
Final Decisions
With the end of school every year comes decisions. Or at least, that's the way it feels it happens in our family. I thought we had decided already to just stay on here another year at least. Evidently, Jeremy was holding out hope to hear back from one more school before reaching a final decision. Can you tell we've been too busy to really sit down and talk lately?
It basically came down to the wire on this one, because we also received the notice that our lease was soon to be up and a decision about that must be made as well. We looked over the list for prices if we renewed at various length leases and discovered that a year lease would actually lessen our rent instead of a raising it. Then, the headmaster of the school here told Jeremy that he had talked with the school board and they had agreed to get him a raise.
Jeremy called the other school just to see if he could get a few more details to make sure it wouldn't be better for us. Sure enough, what they would be paying would be less than what he made this year. So, here we stay. And when he had made this decision, the headmaster actually told him his raise was going to be more than what we had originally thought it would be.
Seems like maybe God's blessing this decision, huh?
It basically came down to the wire on this one, because we also received the notice that our lease was soon to be up and a decision about that must be made as well. We looked over the list for prices if we renewed at various length leases and discovered that a year lease would actually lessen our rent instead of a raising it. Then, the headmaster of the school here told Jeremy that he had talked with the school board and they had agreed to get him a raise.
Jeremy called the other school just to see if he could get a few more details to make sure it wouldn't be better for us. Sure enough, what they would be paying would be less than what he made this year. So, here we stay. And when he had made this decision, the headmaster actually told him his raise was going to be more than what we had originally thought it would be.
Seems like maybe God's blessing this decision, huh?
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Graduation and Other Important Things
So, my husband graduated with his Masters on May 12th. Sorry I'm just now posting this. It was a pretty big weekend for us. We both took off Thursday and Friday that week to drive up to Memphis. He finished everything up Friday and graduated Saturday. He now has a Masters in Theological History or something like that. See how handsome he is?
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| Getting hooded |
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| And one with me, of course! |
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| This one I made him do. I teased him that it was better than a batman cape. |
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| I'm so proud of him! |
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| From left to right, his parents, his brother, us, my sis and her husband |
The headmaster talked to the school board who agreed to give him A TWENTY-PERCENT raise! So, we're staying another year at least here. It's not so bad. We have some good friends at church and I feel needed there. It does lead to other questions . . . like what will happen if the place I'm temping at doesn't need me anymore and I have to find something else again. But I'll face that when it happens and can't worry so much about it right now.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself. But we all know I'm a worrier, even when I tell myself not to be.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Decisions
You know how the ask the football players after they win the Super Bowl, "You've just won the Super Bowl. What are you going to do now?" They always say, "I'm going to Disney World" or some inane answer like that.
My husband, after nine years of working on it and having it hang over his head, will finish his master's tomorrow. I get to watch him walk across the stage and get his diploma. He started this the year before we got married and it's finally finished. When we get home, he'll take one more test and have his certification. As I boast to everyone about how much my husband has accomplished this year, I continue to get the question, "What now?" They're wondering things like if he wants to go on and get a further degree or if he wants to try and teach at a higher level. The answers are "maybe someday" and "not really." Mostly, we're just going to enjoy being able to live without having those two goals hanging over us anymore. We're hoping to settle somewhere and start working for real on our goal to have kids. I'm not sure how we'll do that, but it's what we want.
The school he was hoping to return to next year has decided to hire a coach. He's disappointed, but I really didn't think it would be in our best interest to move back. It's not that I don't love a LOT of people there and wouldn't love to have a couple of my old jobs back. But it just seemed like we'd be going backwards. We've changed since we moved away from there and our friends and church family have moved on without us. It wouldn't be like returning from being gone a weekend. We'd have to refind a niche and see if we could start over with it not being the same. To me, that doesn't sound like fun.
He's talking to one more school before just deciding to stay where we are another year. It's not going to be a bad thing to stay where we are. I have the possibility of getting a job with the daycare I interviewed with a while back to help with her summer camps. And we'll have over $400 a month more from his paycheck after June when we've got his certification paid off. And I'm not unhappy working this temp job that has stretched from a week to three months. I don't think they want me to leave even though they haven't figured out how to keep me for sure yet. He'd still be teaching and even though he has some things that aren't perfect at the school he's at, he knows that he'd find something he didn't like about any school he worked at.
So, we'll be okay no matter what. And as we start to move on to this next phase in our life, who knows what it will bring our way? But I think we're better prepared for it now that we've gone through the last almost eight years together and faced and learned from all that happened to us this far.
Thank you, God, for preparing us for whatever is ahead, even if we didn't always like the ways you did it.
My husband, after nine years of working on it and having it hang over his head, will finish his master's tomorrow. I get to watch him walk across the stage and get his diploma. He started this the year before we got married and it's finally finished. When we get home, he'll take one more test and have his certification. As I boast to everyone about how much my husband has accomplished this year, I continue to get the question, "What now?" They're wondering things like if he wants to go on and get a further degree or if he wants to try and teach at a higher level. The answers are "maybe someday" and "not really." Mostly, we're just going to enjoy being able to live without having those two goals hanging over us anymore. We're hoping to settle somewhere and start working for real on our goal to have kids. I'm not sure how we'll do that, but it's what we want.
The school he was hoping to return to next year has decided to hire a coach. He's disappointed, but I really didn't think it would be in our best interest to move back. It's not that I don't love a LOT of people there and wouldn't love to have a couple of my old jobs back. But it just seemed like we'd be going backwards. We've changed since we moved away from there and our friends and church family have moved on without us. It wouldn't be like returning from being gone a weekend. We'd have to refind a niche and see if we could start over with it not being the same. To me, that doesn't sound like fun.
He's talking to one more school before just deciding to stay where we are another year. It's not going to be a bad thing to stay where we are. I have the possibility of getting a job with the daycare I interviewed with a while back to help with her summer camps. And we'll have over $400 a month more from his paycheck after June when we've got his certification paid off. And I'm not unhappy working this temp job that has stretched from a week to three months. I don't think they want me to leave even though they haven't figured out how to keep me for sure yet. He'd still be teaching and even though he has some things that aren't perfect at the school he's at, he knows that he'd find something he didn't like about any school he worked at.
So, we'll be okay no matter what. And as we start to move on to this next phase in our life, who knows what it will bring our way? But I think we're better prepared for it now that we've gone through the last almost eight years together and faced and learned from all that happened to us this far.
Thank you, God, for preparing us for whatever is ahead, even if we didn't always like the ways you did it.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Holding Back
I sort of feel like I've been holding back on things lately. With Jeremy having his hopes set so high on this school he wants to work at next year even though we haven't heard back from them yet, it's hard to think about our future in terms of any certainty. I have no idea where I'll be living in two months. Will I be moving or signing another year on our lease on this teeny tiny apartment where I can't find anything and don't have my cats? Should I keep booking parties into June and July or should I sort of hold back a bit and see if I'll even be in the area? Should I worry so much about my job situation and the fact that I never seem to get a call back from the various interviews or should I be content with the temporary position God has given me for the last three months that doesn't seem to want to end any time soon? I sort of feel like even though I'm living day-to-day and we have a GREAT church family here where we can serve a lot, everything else in my life is up in the air. I'm so tired of feeling like everything is up in the air. Say a little prayer for us that we can find out SOMETHING soon.
And say another prayer for my Grandpa, too. He's been back in the hospital with breathing problems again this week. He's home now, but they're waiting on test results before the start back with the chemo. Have I said lately that I hate cancer? I do.
And say another prayer for my Grandpa, too. He's been back in the hospital with breathing problems again this week. He's home now, but they're waiting on test results before the start back with the chemo. Have I said lately that I hate cancer? I do.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Would You?
I was watching "Facing the Giants" again the other day. I just couldn't help myself. I saw it on tv and thought, I need to watch it again and remind myself. And I sat there with tears running down my face as he asked his wife, "If God never gave us a child, would you still love Him?" She doesn't answer at that moment. I can understand why. It's so hard to accept that it's a possibility, that we might not have kids. At least not physically. And I love to think I'd love a child born by another woman as much as one born by me after I adopted him/her, but I still feel like I'd be missing something. If it comes down to it, and we find out we can't have kids physically, will I still love God? I want to say yes, but there's this little part of me that rebels and yells, "NO!" If you were in my situation, would it be easy for you to say "yes"? Oh for a faith that lets me shout, "YES" to the ends of the earth and the heights of the sky with no hesitation and no doubt!
Waiting Again Still
My husband and I don't always find much time to talk, but when we do, I seem to always learn something new about him. You'd think after dating/being married for eleven years now that I'd know just about all there is to know about this wonderful man. Ha! Of course, I guess we've both been growing a lot over the last few years and therefore have new things to learn about each other . . .
Anyway, we were talking yesterday about how we're waiting to hear back from a school Jeremy has contacted. We've both agreed that while this school is okay, it doesn't pay enough for us to be able to do what we want to do (fertility treatments and/or adoption). So, he's been keeping his ears to the ground for something better. One of the schools he's worked at before has a history position coming open, we heard, so he's emailed the proper person and now we wait. Waiting seems to be the whole of our lives.
He mentioned that he's trying to convince himself that if he doesn't get that job, he'll be okay. Even if we stay here at this school another year, we'll be okay. He pointed out that he had sort of put all his hopes and dreams on getting a teaching job ANYWHERE last year that this year was doomed to be a let-down in many ways because his expectations were so high to begin with. I think that's what I'm feeling, too. And while this has been a good year in many ways (I now know several jobs I don't want to have and he will be certified to teach and have finished his masters), we were also disappointed with how things just didn't seem to work out quite like we had thought they would.
So, we're trying to convince ourselves that it's not the end of the world to stay here another year. And we're waiting to hear back from a school . . . again.
Anyway, we were talking yesterday about how we're waiting to hear back from a school Jeremy has contacted. We've both agreed that while this school is okay, it doesn't pay enough for us to be able to do what we want to do (fertility treatments and/or adoption). So, he's been keeping his ears to the ground for something better. One of the schools he's worked at before has a history position coming open, we heard, so he's emailed the proper person and now we wait. Waiting seems to be the whole of our lives.
He mentioned that he's trying to convince himself that if he doesn't get that job, he'll be okay. Even if we stay here at this school another year, we'll be okay. He pointed out that he had sort of put all his hopes and dreams on getting a teaching job ANYWHERE last year that this year was doomed to be a let-down in many ways because his expectations were so high to begin with. I think that's what I'm feeling, too. And while this has been a good year in many ways (I now know several jobs I don't want to have and he will be certified to teach and have finished his masters), we were also disappointed with how things just didn't seem to work out quite like we had thought they would.
So, we're trying to convince ourselves that it's not the end of the world to stay here another year. And we're waiting to hear back from a school . . . again.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
A Tough Week
So, this last week didn't start out so bad. I started it with a job interview on Monday afternoon for an assistant director position for a daycare. I thought the interview went really well, I liked the girl I'd be working with, the hours were perfect. She said she'd talk to the owner and get back with me with a time to meet the owner. I waited all week and still haven't heard from her again.
I seriously thought I had finally found a "perfect" job for me. I don't know if I was wrong or if the timing was just off, but I'm frustrated that I haven't at least heard back from her. And I realize I still could, but my pessimism is kicking in full-time, I guess.
Jeremy is growing unhappy with the school he works at. He loves the kids. He loves teaching. He just is frustrated by some of the things the board of directors are doing, including letting some of the students take over the planning of chapel and letting those students bring in instruments for the worship part.
I'm also struggling with money stuff. We're paying taxes this week and paid H&R Block last week. That means most of our "extra" money for this month that I could have used for a million other things is going to the taxes. I have known my car has a problem for like four or five months now and we still haven't fixed it. My computer is dying. I'd LOVE to pay off some of this stupid debt! I'm so sick and tired of worrying about all the credit cards we've gotten ourselves into. And it just seems neither of us has a way to control our spending even when we know we don't have much money in the bank. Every time I go to the store, I pick up at least one thing not on my list. I'm so bad when it comes to things like that. Sigh.
All of this has grown in my discontent to make this week just seem really bad. I know there are lots of great things in my life. Jeremy is almost finished with his graduate degree and his certification program. He's had a teaching job this year which has made him a lot happier even when he's not as happy as I'd like him to be. He's still much happier than last year and the year before. We have a great church family who don't want us to ever leave because they want to use us up for God, which is what I had prayed for when we were moving up here. We have great families who we keep up with on fairly regular basis and who loves us so much. And my husband loves me even when we don't always have as much time for each other lately as I'd like for us to.
I just have this bad habit of letting the bad stuff come to the front of my brain instead of the good stuff.
Also, please pray for my friend Alyson. She lost her baby this week and my heart is broken over that, too.
I seriously thought I had finally found a "perfect" job for me. I don't know if I was wrong or if the timing was just off, but I'm frustrated that I haven't at least heard back from her. And I realize I still could, but my pessimism is kicking in full-time, I guess.
Jeremy is growing unhappy with the school he works at. He loves the kids. He loves teaching. He just is frustrated by some of the things the board of directors are doing, including letting some of the students take over the planning of chapel and letting those students bring in instruments for the worship part.
I'm also struggling with money stuff. We're paying taxes this week and paid H&R Block last week. That means most of our "extra" money for this month that I could have used for a million other things is going to the taxes. I have known my car has a problem for like four or five months now and we still haven't fixed it. My computer is dying. I'd LOVE to pay off some of this stupid debt! I'm so sick and tired of worrying about all the credit cards we've gotten ourselves into. And it just seems neither of us has a way to control our spending even when we know we don't have much money in the bank. Every time I go to the store, I pick up at least one thing not on my list. I'm so bad when it comes to things like that. Sigh.
All of this has grown in my discontent to make this week just seem really bad. I know there are lots of great things in my life. Jeremy is almost finished with his graduate degree and his certification program. He's had a teaching job this year which has made him a lot happier even when he's not as happy as I'd like him to be. He's still much happier than last year and the year before. We have a great church family who don't want us to ever leave because they want to use us up for God, which is what I had prayed for when we were moving up here. We have great families who we keep up with on fairly regular basis and who loves us so much. And my husband loves me even when we don't always have as much time for each other lately as I'd like for us to.
I just have this bad habit of letting the bad stuff come to the front of my brain instead of the good stuff.
Also, please pray for my friend Alyson. She lost her baby this week and my heart is broken over that, too.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
My Hero Has Cancer
You know how you know that the people you love in life are not always going to be in your life, but you don't really think about the fact that they could leave this life ANY TIME? I'm dealing with the fact that my eyes have been opened again to how short life really is and how we must treasure each and every moment we've been given.
My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer last summer. It is in his lungs, but not necessarily what they call lung cancer. He went through chemo and radiation last fall and winter. Then, we waited several months before they could do the tests to see if they had gotten it all. Through all of this, they acted encouraging and like they were going to knock it out, no problem. It was shrinking.
When we got the test results back last week, it was still there. Two spots. One in each lung. My aunt informed me yesterday that the doctor says it's uncurable. This doesn't mean it can't be cured, just that it never has been. She asked him why they were going to make him go through poison again (chemo) if it's uncurable, and the doctor says it is to keep it from spreading.
Grandpa is my hero. He is 86 years old. I know we've had him a lot longer than most people have been blessed to have a grandparent. He is an elder in the church where he has lived in Oklahoma for the last fifty or so years. He's been married to my grandmother for almost 65 years (their anniversary is in June). He is amazing in his capabilities to go out in his garage and make or fix things, out of wood, pvc pipe, glue, nails, metal, etc. He's fixed my car several times and I know he's done the same for pretty much everyone else in our family. He's the father to four kids, four kids-in-law, grandfather to thirteen grandkids, nine grandkids-in-law, and great-grandfather to eleven great-grandkids. None of us have been divorced. Almost all of us are still faithful in our Christianity. I want to be at least half as good a person as he is when I "grow up."
I'm strugging right now. I don't like the thought that there's something inside of him "unfixable." He's who we go to when something needs to be fixed. He helped us buy our first house . . . and sell it. He's just always there when we need him.
He emailed me a while back after I had loaned him a copy of one of my stories so he could read it and asked where he could buy it so he could send copies to his cousins and brag on me. I wish I had been braver and tried harder to get published before now so he could have already done that. Guess I better step up my plans and goals. I wish I could have given him another great-grandchild. I want to go and eat another apple with him, something I used to do when I was growing up. I want to hear him pray again, his deep voice humming up and down as he breathes in and out while speaking. I want to hold his rough, large hands and laugh with him as he teases me.
I know he's not dead yet. But it feels closer than it ever has before. And I'm selfish and not ready to let him go.
My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer last summer. It is in his lungs, but not necessarily what they call lung cancer. He went through chemo and radiation last fall and winter. Then, we waited several months before they could do the tests to see if they had gotten it all. Through all of this, they acted encouraging and like they were going to knock it out, no problem. It was shrinking.
When we got the test results back last week, it was still there. Two spots. One in each lung. My aunt informed me yesterday that the doctor says it's uncurable. This doesn't mean it can't be cured, just that it never has been. She asked him why they were going to make him go through poison again (chemo) if it's uncurable, and the doctor says it is to keep it from spreading.
Grandpa is my hero. He is 86 years old. I know we've had him a lot longer than most people have been blessed to have a grandparent. He is an elder in the church where he has lived in Oklahoma for the last fifty or so years. He's been married to my grandmother for almost 65 years (their anniversary is in June). He is amazing in his capabilities to go out in his garage and make or fix things, out of wood, pvc pipe, glue, nails, metal, etc. He's fixed my car several times and I know he's done the same for pretty much everyone else in our family. He's the father to four kids, four kids-in-law, grandfather to thirteen grandkids, nine grandkids-in-law, and great-grandfather to eleven great-grandkids. None of us have been divorced. Almost all of us are still faithful in our Christianity. I want to be at least half as good a person as he is when I "grow up."
I'm strugging right now. I don't like the thought that there's something inside of him "unfixable." He's who we go to when something needs to be fixed. He helped us buy our first house . . . and sell it. He's just always there when we need him.
He emailed me a while back after I had loaned him a copy of one of my stories so he could read it and asked where he could buy it so he could send copies to his cousins and brag on me. I wish I had been braver and tried harder to get published before now so he could have already done that. Guess I better step up my plans and goals. I wish I could have given him another great-grandchild. I want to go and eat another apple with him, something I used to do when I was growing up. I want to hear him pray again, his deep voice humming up and down as he breathes in and out while speaking. I want to hold his rough, large hands and laugh with him as he teases me.
I know he's not dead yet. But it feels closer than it ever has before. And I'm selfish and not ready to let him go.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Work Ethics
I was always brought up to know that when I had a job I should do it to the best of my ability, be on time, etc. So, as I have been sitting at this job for the last month and a half, I'm appreciating the fact that I have good work ethic. I'm the last temp there, and we started with four. But I'm the one who hasn't been talking on my cell phone, checking my email/facebook, talking to the girl next to me constantly, getting up to get a snack or walk around, etc., constantly. I'm always on time and always make sure they know when I leave. And I'm assuming that those are the reasons I'm still earning a paycheck right now and the other girls are not.
Of course, helping with payroll has shown me more about others' work ethic, too. The company I'm working for is a home health agency with providers who go out to help people the government has declared to need help due to mental/physical/age disabilities. They help clean, shop, bathe, dress, etc. for these clients. They're supposed to call in their time to the number which logs them in and out when they call. I am the on ewho cleans up the database as they consistently do it wrong. And I see them working the wrong hours, less hours, more hours, basically whenever they want. I hear about them calling to say they can't work because they don't have money for gas. Any other job, if they tried to pull something like that, they wouldn't last long. I just don't understand why they think it's okay.
I guess I never really knew people before that didn't hae a good work ethic. See how much I'm learning through all these experiences?
Of course, helping with payroll has shown me more about others' work ethic, too. The company I'm working for is a home health agency with providers who go out to help people the government has declared to need help due to mental/physical/age disabilities. They help clean, shop, bathe, dress, etc. for these clients. They're supposed to call in their time to the number which logs them in and out when they call. I am the on ewho cleans up the database as they consistently do it wrong. And I see them working the wrong hours, less hours, more hours, basically whenever they want. I hear about them calling to say they can't work because they don't have money for gas. Any other job, if they tried to pull something like that, they wouldn't last long. I just don't understand why they think it's okay.
I guess I never really knew people before that didn't hae a good work ethic. See how much I'm learning through all these experiences?
An Off-handed Compliment
So, I've still been working at the temp job where I'm helping with the payroll database. They moved me the other day to a different desk to help one of the girls who was behind since another girl quit. Anyway, she didn't really have much for me to do so I teasingly asked if she wanted me to move back to my other desk. She said "no" and that I was actually keeping her from cursing so much.
It made me feel really good. I haven't said anything to the girls at this job about how much their cursing bothers me even though they do it quite a bit. I just also knew (or thought I knew) that this job wouldn't last too long. So, anyway, it makes me feel good that they have noticed that I'm different and don't cuss and don't like it. It makes me feel like God is answering my constant prayer that I'll be a light for Him to those around me.
It made me feel really good. I haven't said anything to the girls at this job about how much their cursing bothers me even though they do it quite a bit. I just also knew (or thought I knew) that this job wouldn't last too long. So, anyway, it makes me feel good that they have noticed that I'm different and don't cuss and don't like it. It makes me feel like God is answering my constant prayer that I'll be a light for Him to those around me.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Adulthood
When I grow up, I want to be . . .
. . . I have no idea.
I'm almost 30 years old and besides being a stay-at-home mom and writing and crafting and doing my direct sales business, I don't know what else I want to be besides Jeremy's wife. I've been doing this temp job for almost three weeks now and had two interviews with other companies (may have gotten one of the other jobs, but not sure yet). When they ask me what my long-term plans are, I'm very honest with them. I say I want to eventually be able to stay home with kids. In the meantime, however, I don't know what I want to do, besides something I can enjoy that makes a decent paycheck.
The guy who has been helping me at the temp agency asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I didn't know. Maybe I'll figure it out before I'm forty.
I don't really like adulthood sometimes. I like the freedom it comes with, but not the cost of said "freedom." I don't like taxes . . . especially since we'll have to pay them again this year (the really big downside to not having kids). I don't like having to have a job. I don't like bills that come due before the paycheck comes in that make your checking account bounce. I don't like fees or sales tax or the price of gas. I don't like having to make tough decisions and then live with whatever consequences come with them. Is adulthood what you thought it would be like when you were a kid? I'm not sure it's like what I thought it would be like.
. . . I have no idea.
I'm almost 30 years old and besides being a stay-at-home mom and writing and crafting and doing my direct sales business, I don't know what else I want to be besides Jeremy's wife. I've been doing this temp job for almost three weeks now and had two interviews with other companies (may have gotten one of the other jobs, but not sure yet). When they ask me what my long-term plans are, I'm very honest with them. I say I want to eventually be able to stay home with kids. In the meantime, however, I don't know what I want to do, besides something I can enjoy that makes a decent paycheck.
The guy who has been helping me at the temp agency asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I didn't know. Maybe I'll figure it out before I'm forty.
I don't really like adulthood sometimes. I like the freedom it comes with, but not the cost of said "freedom." I don't like taxes . . . especially since we'll have to pay them again this year (the really big downside to not having kids). I don't like having to have a job. I don't like bills that come due before the paycheck comes in that make your checking account bounce. I don't like fees or sales tax or the price of gas. I don't like having to make tough decisions and then live with whatever consequences come with them. Is adulthood what you thought it would be like when you were a kid? I'm not sure it's like what I thought it would be like.
Monday, February 20, 2012
My Prayer
I've titled this "my prayer" although I probably should have titled it what I want my prayer to be. I'm still reading from Jennifer Saake's Hannah's Hope (it's taking me a while to get through because I only read a chapter here, a chapter there due to it being so emotionally involved).
Anyway, she has written down this prayer in the chapter I was reading the other night and it definitely spoke to me. I'm sharing it here so you can help me pray this way for my life.
Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off myself. Take my eyes off the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby -- someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
I have to admit, I cry a bit every time I read this.
Anyway, she has written down this prayer in the chapter I was reading the other night and it definitely spoke to me. I'm sharing it here so you can help me pray this way for my life.
Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off myself. Take my eyes off the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby -- someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
I have to admit, I cry a bit every time I read this.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Reality Strikes Again
I've had all sorts of posts floating around in my head recently, but haven't gotten them down (or is it up) here yet. I guess you're wondering about the title of this post. There's several points to it, most of which are all from the posts that hadn't been written yet and are now going to be all crammed into one. I apologize for not being more organized than that, but mostly this is me trying to get some of this off of my chest/out of my head so that I can go to bed and sleep instead of lying awake worrying half the night.
I didn't realize when I started working at the car dealership that I was really entering a sort of mission field. But it is. I guess any workplace that's not "Christian" is one, huh? Having never worked for anything that wasn't Christian unless you count those two months one summer when I worked at Fred's during college, this was a bit of an eye-opener for me. It sort of felt like I was back in high school. The thing that fascinated me most, though, were all the "christian" perspectives from the other people who worked with me. Honestly, mostly I was surrounded by Baptists if they went to church. One of them has gone his whole life to the Baptist church, plays trumpet in their band (still blows my mind that there are that many different instruments in their worship service), and is a really great guy. But he told me one day that he quit going to Sunday school because he got tired of it and wasn't getting anything out of it. Another one said he grew up in the Church of Christ, but then started going to the Baptist after his parents got divorced (evidently the Baptists are more accepting or something), but he felt that really it was pretty much just like the CofC except that there was instrumental music. He also cusses a lot and I'm pretty sure he's living with his fiancee' before they're married. I don't know. It just blows my mind that we can all be reading the same Bible which says the same thing and come about such different answers for how we should live our lives/worship our God.
Anyway, I am no longer in that exact mission field because I was laid off last week. Due to financial reasons, they decided to not have a full-time receptionist and instead make the other girls do my duties as well as their own. I feel sorry for them. But I'm also looking at our checkbook and our bills and trying to figure out what to do. I've already called the temp agency and they're on the lookout for something else. I guess reality is just really setting in tonight more than it has over the last few days. I was told Wednesday and worked through Friday so it didn't feel real. And then it was the weekend so I didn't have to think about it much then. But now it's Sunday night and I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning and it's weighing heavily on me. I know I complained a bunch about how people acted there, how I hated having people yell at me on the phone because someone else wouldn't pick up, the smoking, the cussing, etc. But now I have to start all over again when I thought I was actually about to get hired on full-time and actually work for them instead of through my temp agency. Talk about a meeting not going the way you thought it would! I just don't deal with change well. And this is a lot of changes for only one year.
On a good note, I guess, my last two cycles have been normal without the pill. The problem with that for me is that I'm still wondering . . . well, let me explain to you how my cycle goes so you can understand. A normal woman has a period, then knows that she ovulates around day fourteen, then fourteen days later expects another period. I'm more like this: oh, my period is starting, I'm not pregnant; hm, it's around day twelve, wonder if anything is going on, was that a twinge? day fourteen, should we have sex? day sixteen, is it too late or are we right on time? day eighteen, I really need to quit thinking about this; day twenty-six, hm, broken out forehead, tender breasts, tired, moody . . . pregnant or pms? day twenty-eight, is my period going to start today? And then it goes on like that until my period actually does start, usually around day thirty-two or four (ish). So, having a normal twenty-eight day cycle when I'm not on birth control is very abnormal. And it's giving me nothing but more to think about. I have to wonder if I actually ovulated or if I just am still dealing with the leftover effects of being on several months of birth control a couple months ago. Or if I'll ever get pregnant.
And this is all swimming around in my head, bugging me, keeping me awake. I'm not good at letting go and trusting God to take it and make it better, I guess.
Say a prayer for me. I'm stressed out and need all the help I can get.
I didn't realize when I started working at the car dealership that I was really entering a sort of mission field. But it is. I guess any workplace that's not "Christian" is one, huh? Having never worked for anything that wasn't Christian unless you count those two months one summer when I worked at Fred's during college, this was a bit of an eye-opener for me. It sort of felt like I was back in high school. The thing that fascinated me most, though, were all the "christian" perspectives from the other people who worked with me. Honestly, mostly I was surrounded by Baptists if they went to church. One of them has gone his whole life to the Baptist church, plays trumpet in their band (still blows my mind that there are that many different instruments in their worship service), and is a really great guy. But he told me one day that he quit going to Sunday school because he got tired of it and wasn't getting anything out of it. Another one said he grew up in the Church of Christ, but then started going to the Baptist after his parents got divorced (evidently the Baptists are more accepting or something), but he felt that really it was pretty much just like the CofC except that there was instrumental music. He also cusses a lot and I'm pretty sure he's living with his fiancee' before they're married. I don't know. It just blows my mind that we can all be reading the same Bible which says the same thing and come about such different answers for how we should live our lives/worship our God.
Anyway, I am no longer in that exact mission field because I was laid off last week. Due to financial reasons, they decided to not have a full-time receptionist and instead make the other girls do my duties as well as their own. I feel sorry for them. But I'm also looking at our checkbook and our bills and trying to figure out what to do. I've already called the temp agency and they're on the lookout for something else. I guess reality is just really setting in tonight more than it has over the last few days. I was told Wednesday and worked through Friday so it didn't feel real. And then it was the weekend so I didn't have to think about it much then. But now it's Sunday night and I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning and it's weighing heavily on me. I know I complained a bunch about how people acted there, how I hated having people yell at me on the phone because someone else wouldn't pick up, the smoking, the cussing, etc. But now I have to start all over again when I thought I was actually about to get hired on full-time and actually work for them instead of through my temp agency. Talk about a meeting not going the way you thought it would! I just don't deal with change well. And this is a lot of changes for only one year.
On a good note, I guess, my last two cycles have been normal without the pill. The problem with that for me is that I'm still wondering . . . well, let me explain to you how my cycle goes so you can understand. A normal woman has a period, then knows that she ovulates around day fourteen, then fourteen days later expects another period. I'm more like this: oh, my period is starting, I'm not pregnant; hm, it's around day twelve, wonder if anything is going on, was that a twinge? day fourteen, should we have sex? day sixteen, is it too late or are we right on time? day eighteen, I really need to quit thinking about this; day twenty-six, hm, broken out forehead, tender breasts, tired, moody . . . pregnant or pms? day twenty-eight, is my period going to start today? And then it goes on like that until my period actually does start, usually around day thirty-two or four (ish). So, having a normal twenty-eight day cycle when I'm not on birth control is very abnormal. And it's giving me nothing but more to think about. I have to wonder if I actually ovulated or if I just am still dealing with the leftover effects of being on several months of birth control a couple months ago. Or if I'll ever get pregnant.
And this is all swimming around in my head, bugging me, keeping me awake. I'm not good at letting go and trusting God to take it and make it better, I guess.
Say a prayer for me. I'm stressed out and need all the help I can get.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Sarah
Jeremy and I are teaching the kids' class on Wednesday nights at church. Because the congregation is so small, we have all the ages of kids, from elementary through the teenagers, stuffed into one classroom. It can be sort of crazy. And it's the first time we've tag-team-taught. Usually, I'm the one who teaches the kids and he's the one who teaches the teenagers, and we're hoping to get the congregation to grow to the point that we can split the class into two classes like that.
Anyway, we're teaching through the story of Abraham right now. Last week, we talked about how God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a child. Abraham was 99 and Sarah was 90. Needless to say, they laughed. After all that time of waiting, God was finally going to give Sarah what she'd been wanting for so long. Back then, if you didn't have children, you didn't have anyone to take care of you in your old age. It was definitely a thing looked down upon and often you were looked at and others wondered what you had done wrong to make God not give you such a blessing. I guess even though I'd heard the story hundreds of times, I was in a more emotional state that night. And I wondered, at what point did Sarah give up? When did she just decide that she wasn't ever going to have a child? I know it was by the time she was in her seventies, because she gave Hagar to Abram so he could have a child that way. But still . . . I guess I just wished I knew more of the story. I wanted the backstory, the details, if you will, of how she dealt with that, not even having the medical advances that we have today to give her extra hope. Because I'm struggling right now with all of it, and I do have the thought that someday we might be able to afford such a thing.
And then, the verse that stabs me in the heart everytime and reminds me that there is still hope, even in a situation that seems hopeless . . . "Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son." Genesis 18:14. I added the emphasis. Because that's the part I need to keep reminding myself. Is anything too hard for the Lord? If He could give a 90 year old woman a son, couldn't he give me a child, too?
Anyway, we're teaching through the story of Abraham right now. Last week, we talked about how God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a child. Abraham was 99 and Sarah was 90. Needless to say, they laughed. After all that time of waiting, God was finally going to give Sarah what she'd been wanting for so long. Back then, if you didn't have children, you didn't have anyone to take care of you in your old age. It was definitely a thing looked down upon and often you were looked at and others wondered what you had done wrong to make God not give you such a blessing. I guess even though I'd heard the story hundreds of times, I was in a more emotional state that night. And I wondered, at what point did Sarah give up? When did she just decide that she wasn't ever going to have a child? I know it was by the time she was in her seventies, because she gave Hagar to Abram so he could have a child that way. But still . . . I guess I just wished I knew more of the story. I wanted the backstory, the details, if you will, of how she dealt with that, not even having the medical advances that we have today to give her extra hope. Because I'm struggling right now with all of it, and I do have the thought that someday we might be able to afford such a thing.
And then, the verse that stabs me in the heart everytime and reminds me that there is still hope, even in a situation that seems hopeless . . . "Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son." Genesis 18:14. I added the emphasis. Because that's the part I need to keep reminding myself. Is anything too hard for the Lord? If He could give a 90 year old woman a son, couldn't he give me a child, too?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Justification
Isn't it "funny" how we justify things?
We justify watching a show with foul language and sex in it because it's really a crime-solving show, not a show about sex. And the language just makes it realistic.
We justify not reading the Bible because we really need those minutes in the morning to do the dishes or straighten the living room before work. And after all, we've read it several years in a row now. It's not going to hurt to skip a year.
We justify not praying before every meal because we don't want to offend the people around us in the breakroom at work, or we just don't think of it as we do our million and two things during breakfast to get our day started.
We justify not saying anything to our co-workers about their language, even though it offends us, because we don't want to offend them or to look like we think we're better than they are.
We justify not sharing our faith more because everyone thinks that just because we're a Christian we think we're going to heaven and know all the answers and that we think they don't know anything.
We justify putting up with some "friends" on facebook who use "OMG" or post pictures that aren't necessarily what we like to see because we're hoping that just by being facebook friends, maybe they'll see us as a good influence and maybe we can rub off on them instead of just saying, "I'm not going to put up with it. I didn't know you that well in high school anyway."
I've been thinking a lot about things like that. About what I allow in my house, what I put up with at work without saying anything. Today was really hard for me. One of the first co-workers who walked in this morning cussed twice in one sentence because they had pranked his office while he was off yesterday since he's a newbie. Then, he messed up the office of the guy he thought it was first and bragged about how he had changed the guy's computer desktop to a picture of a baby flipping a bird. I pointed out that it was rude, and he thought about how a customer might see it so then he changed it to a rainbow joking that the guy was "gay." I said something about how that wasn't funny, either, and that the guy was engaged to a girl. He called me a homophobe. My day went down from there with so many of my co-workers using bad language around me. I've asked one or two of them to at least tone it down when they're close to me, but it still seems to just get worse everyday. What I really hate, though, is that the more I hear it, the more it just appears in my thoughts when something bad happens or things don't go as I wanted them, too. And that makes me mad. I work so hard to be pure and clean and not use language that would offend God, but if it's in my head, then it's just as bad as if it had come out of my mouth, according to the Bible.
So, I'm making it a goal in my life this year to try harder to stop letting so much filth into my life. I might pare down my facebook friends. I will hopefully step up and ask the co-workers to please watch their language around me. I will try to not let things slide by so much on what I let into my home through the television and movies. I want to be more like Christ and less like the world. And the only one who can make that happen, is me.
We justify watching a show with foul language and sex in it because it's really a crime-solving show, not a show about sex. And the language just makes it realistic.
We justify not reading the Bible because we really need those minutes in the morning to do the dishes or straighten the living room before work. And after all, we've read it several years in a row now. It's not going to hurt to skip a year.
We justify not praying before every meal because we don't want to offend the people around us in the breakroom at work, or we just don't think of it as we do our million and two things during breakfast to get our day started.
We justify not saying anything to our co-workers about their language, even though it offends us, because we don't want to offend them or to look like we think we're better than they are.
We justify not sharing our faith more because everyone thinks that just because we're a Christian we think we're going to heaven and know all the answers and that we think they don't know anything.
We justify putting up with some "friends" on facebook who use "OMG" or post pictures that aren't necessarily what we like to see because we're hoping that just by being facebook friends, maybe they'll see us as a good influence and maybe we can rub off on them instead of just saying, "I'm not going to put up with it. I didn't know you that well in high school anyway."
I've been thinking a lot about things like that. About what I allow in my house, what I put up with at work without saying anything. Today was really hard for me. One of the first co-workers who walked in this morning cussed twice in one sentence because they had pranked his office while he was off yesterday since he's a newbie. Then, he messed up the office of the guy he thought it was first and bragged about how he had changed the guy's computer desktop to a picture of a baby flipping a bird. I pointed out that it was rude, and he thought about how a customer might see it so then he changed it to a rainbow joking that the guy was "gay." I said something about how that wasn't funny, either, and that the guy was engaged to a girl. He called me a homophobe. My day went down from there with so many of my co-workers using bad language around me. I've asked one or two of them to at least tone it down when they're close to me, but it still seems to just get worse everyday. What I really hate, though, is that the more I hear it, the more it just appears in my thoughts when something bad happens or things don't go as I wanted them, too. And that makes me mad. I work so hard to be pure and clean and not use language that would offend God, but if it's in my head, then it's just as bad as if it had come out of my mouth, according to the Bible.
So, I'm making it a goal in my life this year to try harder to stop letting so much filth into my life. I might pare down my facebook friends. I will hopefully step up and ask the co-workers to please watch their language around me. I will try to not let things slide by so much on what I let into my home through the television and movies. I want to be more like Christ and less like the world. And the only one who can make that happen, is me.
A Good-bye
Something hit me the other day -- not anything physical, but a thought.
All my life I've said I didn't want to wait until I was 30 to have kids like my mom did. I'm the oldest of three. She was 35 before she had my brother.
And until now, I had a chance to achieve that goal.
I will be 30 in August. August 28, actually.
Unless something happens and I get pregnant in the next month and then have a preemie, I won't have a child until I'm at least 30.
So, we say good-bye to this promise I made to myself forever ago. I know it's silly to think so seriously about something like that. Everyone says I'm young, and I know it's true. But, still. . . it's sad to me.
All my life I've said I didn't want to wait until I was 30 to have kids like my mom did. I'm the oldest of three. She was 35 before she had my brother.
And until now, I had a chance to achieve that goal.
I will be 30 in August. August 28, actually.
Unless something happens and I get pregnant in the next month and then have a preemie, I won't have a child until I'm at least 30.
So, we say good-bye to this promise I made to myself forever ago. I know it's silly to think so seriously about something like that. Everyone says I'm young, and I know it's true. But, still. . . it's sad to me.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
By the Way
For those of you who remember way back when I posted about my writer friend who has been struggling with cancer, she just got this report. :-)
Thoughts on 2011
I meant to do this before 2012 started, but as you can see, it didn't happen. Anyway, here are some thoughts on everything that happened last year.
We didn't start out the best. Jeremy was still working retail and not happy. I was feeling more and more like I was living with a zombie instead of the man I fell in love with. I was still working three or four part-time jobs, including my home-sales job.
As Spring approached, Jeremy searched even more diligently than he already was for a teaching job. He got a couple of interviews and maybes and hopes, but each one turned into nothing. When the one he had really set his hopes on and tried so hard to get let him down, that's when he hit the bookcase and broke the bone in his hand right above his pinky (I thought we had it all paid off, but we got another bill the other day -- go figure). It seemed like nothing was going to go right. He only had one more year to finish his accreditation course and we weren't sure but that it was going to be a waste after all.
I worked summer camp again in the summer, hating the hot weather that didn't seem to give any mercy. All the plans we had made seemed like they would never happen.
However, things took a turn toward the end of the summer. Jeremy got a job interview in July when I was in Chicago for the national conference for my business and he was offered a teaching job at a Christian school in east Texas. He took it and everything changed quickly after that. My Mom and sister spent the week with me to help work on the house and spruce it up. Jeremy went ahead and moved to the new town while I worked a month at my old job and waited on the house to sell. I don't know how I'd do it over if I had the chance, but I would try to not be apart from my husband for so long. That was probably the hardest part of it all.
Finally, late in October, we were both moved along with all our things to a small apartment. We went from having 1300 square feet to having 800. It's definitely been a test to our patience and sanity. Our house finally sold in mid-November and I finally got a job through a temp agency in early November. The only problem with selling our house was that we took a loss. This means, that even though I got the escrow check the other day, I still owe more on the new carpet we had to put into the house. Sigh.
I did achieve my 50,000 words in November for the fourth year in a row, but have not achieved my goal of getting closer to being published. This goal has been moved forward to 2012.
December was almost a blur. It went so fast. I barely had the tree up for long and it just didn't feel the same as it usually does. I don't know if it was because I was working full-time and didn't have as much time to enjoy it, or if it was just that kind of a year. I will say that I enjoyed getting to see our families at Christmas for the first time in three years. That made it the best Christmas in a while. It was hard going back to work last week, though, with Jeremy still off.
So, 2011 wasn't terrible. We're several steps closer to being where we want to be. Still no kids. Still no master's degree for Jeremy, but he got his prospectus approved and is scheduled to finish this semester. Still not sure where we'll be after this school year, but I'm just trying to enjoy the wonderful friends God is giving us here in east Texas. So, thank you God, for a wonderful 2011. Let's do even better in 2012!
We didn't start out the best. Jeremy was still working retail and not happy. I was feeling more and more like I was living with a zombie instead of the man I fell in love with. I was still working three or four part-time jobs, including my home-sales job.
As Spring approached, Jeremy searched even more diligently than he already was for a teaching job. He got a couple of interviews and maybes and hopes, but each one turned into nothing. When the one he had really set his hopes on and tried so hard to get let him down, that's when he hit the bookcase and broke the bone in his hand right above his pinky (I thought we had it all paid off, but we got another bill the other day -- go figure). It seemed like nothing was going to go right. He only had one more year to finish his accreditation course and we weren't sure but that it was going to be a waste after all.
I worked summer camp again in the summer, hating the hot weather that didn't seem to give any mercy. All the plans we had made seemed like they would never happen.
However, things took a turn toward the end of the summer. Jeremy got a job interview in July when I was in Chicago for the national conference for my business and he was offered a teaching job at a Christian school in east Texas. He took it and everything changed quickly after that. My Mom and sister spent the week with me to help work on the house and spruce it up. Jeremy went ahead and moved to the new town while I worked a month at my old job and waited on the house to sell. I don't know how I'd do it over if I had the chance, but I would try to not be apart from my husband for so long. That was probably the hardest part of it all.
Finally, late in October, we were both moved along with all our things to a small apartment. We went from having 1300 square feet to having 800. It's definitely been a test to our patience and sanity. Our house finally sold in mid-November and I finally got a job through a temp agency in early November. The only problem with selling our house was that we took a loss. This means, that even though I got the escrow check the other day, I still owe more on the new carpet we had to put into the house. Sigh.
I did achieve my 50,000 words in November for the fourth year in a row, but have not achieved my goal of getting closer to being published. This goal has been moved forward to 2012.
December was almost a blur. It went so fast. I barely had the tree up for long and it just didn't feel the same as it usually does. I don't know if it was because I was working full-time and didn't have as much time to enjoy it, or if it was just that kind of a year. I will say that I enjoyed getting to see our families at Christmas for the first time in three years. That made it the best Christmas in a while. It was hard going back to work last week, though, with Jeremy still off.
So, 2011 wasn't terrible. We're several steps closer to being where we want to be. Still no kids. Still no master's degree for Jeremy, but he got his prospectus approved and is scheduled to finish this semester. Still not sure where we'll be after this school year, but I'm just trying to enjoy the wonderful friends God is giving us here in east Texas. So, thank you God, for a wonderful 2011. Let's do even better in 2012!
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