Horrible, Awful, No Good, Very Bad Pain

Have you ever felt like your insides were going to be ripped out of your body from the inside out, starting from your belly button and going down in a straight line?  I have!  Two months in a row now.
Yes.  I evidently had another cyst rupture.  Seriously not like this at all.  Was really hoping it wouldn't happen again.  But last night, shortly before I lost my dinner, the pain began and I knew it was going to get worse before it got better.  Today, it sort of feels like little knife stabs every now and then -- like every time I move or have to pee.
Doesn't this sound like fun?  Don't you want to try this, too?
I've been doing a few searches to see if maybe this has anything at all to do with my taking Yaz for a couple months to get my cycle kick-started again.  If it does, it's no wonder they're having all those lawsuits against it.  And I regret taking it forever.
I texted my sis again last night.  She says she has a cyst at the same time every month.  I can so empathize with her now . . . something I'm pretty sure I didn't want to be able to do.  Ouch.
I didn't even bother calling the doctor this time.  Who can afford to have an ultrasound every month so the doctor can look at it and tell you, "Oh, that's where the fluid is from where your cyst burst.  That's why it's hurting."  Yeah, thanks.  So much help.
Am I sounding a bit bitter and angry and upset?  It's because I am.
On another note, though, at least when my mom told me that another one of my cousin's is pregnant, I'm obviously stable enough to handle it right now.  No tears or feelings like someone stabbing me in the heart.  I just said, "oh, okay."  This will be her second child.  I haven't quite worked up to being really happy for her, yet, but it's not killing me to know about it, either.
Now, to get through this pain so I can get back to enjoying my last few days off of work . . .

Faith

"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to." -- Miracle on 34th Street

That is one of my favorite movies, especially the 1947 version.  I love the characters, the story, the whole thing.  And AMC showed all of my favorite Christmas movies this year.  I love having a DVR and being able to watch them, especially this movie.  That saying fits so well with what I wanted to blog about anyway.

We ate dinner with friends last night and my friend wanted to know more about our fertility struggles.  She knew we were struggling, but not really any of the details.  So, I filled her in.  Towards the end, I was telling her about my struggle with the faith.  Really, more than any of the other struggles we've had over the last three years, that's the one that really bothered me the most.  How could my faith in God waiver?  How could I doubt Him? 

I had started out by telling her that I could talk about the struggle because I was in a pretty good place right now.  There are some days that I really don't want to even think about any of it.  Lately, I've had some more peace again.  I just really need to find a way to keep that peace.  And I know that God is the only one who can help me do that.

Anyway, towards the end of our discussion, she said something about if she ever complained about her own two boys or mentioned how she really wanted a girl or anything that might upset me, that I had the right to get onto her.  And I said that if God used me to help my friends see their blessings better, then I was glad that something good had come out of this.  I realize that more good than that has come from this.  For one, my faith is really my own faith now, and is much stronger than before we started this.  For another, I am better at seeing the blessings in my life (I don't always do that, but I am better about it).  And for another, I can see God using me to help my friends see their blessings, too.  After all, haven't my friends who have already gone through similar things helped me?  Why shouldn't I pass it on, too?  Even while I'm in the middle of it.

So, here's what God put on my heart as I thought about the whole thing last night -- I want to write a book.  I want to write a book on how to keep your faith in God while struggling with infertility.  I've had ideas to write a story about people going through it in the past, but have never really embraced that idea because I'm in the middle of it right now.  It's too close to home.  But this -- this is something I wish I had for myself right now.  And maybe something that could help other people who are struggling with similar issues my husband and I are struggling with.  And I'm always trying to figure out how I can use my abilities for God.  Maybe this is it.

Now, I just have to figure out exactly what all I've done to keep my faith.  And then, I have to write it down.  What do you think?  Is this as good an idea as I think it is?

Late Night Meanderings

I have either caught the cold my husband had last week or am suffering from Cedar Fever -- thank you central Texas allergy season!  Either way, I can't breathe well enough to sleep so I'm up again, sipping hot herbal tea and letting my meandering mind escape a little in this blog post.  I don't have anything in particular to write about, but just felt like writing anyway.
My husband and I are super blessed even though we don't always acknowledge it -- I'm sure a lot of people, if not all, have the same problem.  We live six hours from my parents, ten and a half from his, about fifteen from my sister and brother.  But we don't really feel alone.  You see, our church family is amazing.  I don't know how we would have made it through the last couple of years -- or even the last four and a half -- without them.  They've helped us find jobs, they've helped us pay for car repairs, fed us, prayed for and with us, listened to and advised us, cheered us, and become family.  I honestly don't know how people live without a church family.  To me, that seems lonelier than anything on earth.  Now, we're spending our second Christmas just the two of us and unable to travel.  I was feeling rather down about it.  I have to admit that when his mom said they just couldn't make it, I was really jealous that they're going to see his grandparents instead.  It's not that we had a bad time last year when we did our first Christmas just us.  We had a great time and have even started some traditions like seeing a movie on Christmas Eve.  But I also really wanted to see his family again, to have them come down to see us and join in our new traditions.  God is watching out for us, though, as always.  We've been invited to eat Christmas dinner with some dear friends from church here.  I'm going to be brave and make a pie.  And even though it's church family instead of physical family, it's still family.
I got to go "shopping" the other day in another girl from church's closet.  I love hand-me-downs.  These are super nice and I'm almost afraid to wear some of them.  We're talking Ann Taylor and Talbots.  But they're so pretty and I'm super excited to have the stack at the end of my bed to keep trying on and eventually wearing -- a lot of them are spring and summer clothes.  And I think I may have found a dress to wear to my brother's wedding!
I don't know about you, but my family's pretty tight.  Even extended family.  My dad's baby sister (no, she's not literally a baby -- her baby is seven) came down to our area for her job and took us to dinner the other night.  It was lovely to see her.  I do wish sometimes that we lived closer to family again, but at the same time I also realize my family is spread out all over the country.
I'm still dealing with different people being pregnant/having babies, but I'm dealing.  And even though I have Christmas taken care of now except for mailing the packages to family, I'm still staying busy.  And I'm enjoying having time to read or watch movies again.  Yay for a DVR and the channels that play the old Chrismtas movies like "Christmas in Connecticut," "Miracle on 34th Street," "White Christmas," "Holiday Inn," and "It's a Wonderful Life."  Love it!
I'm guessing I should wrap up these thoughts since they aren't really going anywhere in particular and you, dear readers, whoever you are, are probably wondering why I even bothered to write them down in the first place.  This is just the way my mind works at eleven at night.  Thanks for listening to it.

Isn't it Funny

Are you like me and worry over something, considering how bad it will turn out, only to have it turn out nothing like you feared when you actually get around to doing it?  Maybe I'm just too good at worrying -- scratch the maybe.  I know I am.
I had put off calling my grandmother for several weeks now even though I hadn't talked to her in a while.  You see, I was afraid she would spend most of the time talking about my cousin and her pregnancy (this is the one on my Dad's side, who is happily married and expecting a son in April).  I just didn't want to deal with that.
But today is my grandmother's 84th birthday so I called to chat for a while.  She only mentioned my cousin and her pregnancy in passing a couple of times and the rest of the call was about everything else in my life and hers. 
I worried for nothing. 
I usually do.
And I had a very nice birthday chat with my grandmother.

Feeling Sorry For Myself

I have to admit it. . . I've been the person I don't want to be this last week.  I've been focused more on what I don't have than what I do.  I've been thinking about how unfair it is that certain people can have babies while I can't.  I've been making myself miserable and depressed.  I didn't have to be this way.  I didn't have to be grumpy.  But I told myself I could be.

Last Sunday night, I found out my unwed, 20-year-old cousin is pregnant.  I don't know about how your family works, but mine is pretty tight.  My mom has a sister and two brothers.  There are 13 of us grandchildren in all.  This is the next-to-youngest.  She had not been going to church regularly.  Her boyfriend broke up with her when he found out about the baby.  Her parents made her call our grandparents to admit the truth.  My uncle called all his siblings to let them know and I found out through the grapevine.
I have to admit I was more mad than anything.  How could God let her get pregnant in a situation which was wrong when I can't get pregnant in a situation that is right?  That was the first thing running through my head.  And I realize that I'm being very selfish.  I can't imagine making bad choices and having to live with something like that for the rest of my life.  I can't imagine having to admit to Grandpa and Grandma something like that.  I can't imagine having a sin to take forward on a Sunday morning.  But instead of thinking about her, I was thinking about myself more.

The next day, I was on facebook and noticed that one of my best friends is pregnant with her third child.  She just had a baby back in June.  How is this fair? I wondered.  Part of me wanted to scream in frustration and tell her to stop it.  A big part of my wants to jump up and down and yell and tell people to stop flaunting their fertility.  Sounds sort of funny, right?  But if I were in their shoes, would I stop having babies just because my friend couldn't have one?  That's not fair, either.  Whatever fair is.

One of my dear friends I work with handed me a card earlier this week.  This is what was in it:

God's peace conquers fears (from Psalm 3)

O Lord, I'm overwhelmed by the enemies of my peace -- fear, doubt, despair.
I look at the situation I face and I hear malevolent voices whisper:
         "God doesn't care."
         "He won't answer your prayers."
         "These problems aren't important to Him."
But then I recall your past protection --
          the way you shielded me and held me up when I thought I was lost.
In my confusion and pain, I call to you again, Father, pouring out my heart in trembling words and aching sobs.
And once again you come to me with quiet, inexplainable peace that enfolds me like a comforting blanket.
In your presence I find rest, despite my problems.
You are the strength that takes me through each day.
Yours is the courage I claim in every fear-filled confrontation.
Together, You and I not only face my enemies but vanquish them.
I find in You the deliverance I seek.
May I always remain in this place of blessing, Father.


I don't want to be that person that no one wants to be around because she always talks about her infertility.  I don't want to be that person who everyone is afraid to tell that they are pregnant because they don't want to hurt her feelings.  I don't want to be that person.  I want to be God's person.

God, give me peace again, and help me to not be grumpy, but instead to be your light to the world!  Amen.

The Cyst Full of Hope

So, I'm sure not many people would consider a cyst a good thing . . . especially one that ruptured.  But here is my story.

A couple weeks ago, on a Saturday evening, I started having some major sharp pains in my lower abdomen.  I went ahead and took a shower, not really thinking a lot about it, but I knew they were then.  When I started to black out and feel nauseated, I turned off the water and sat down on the floor beside the tub.  I thought maybe I was just a little over heated until I lost part of my dinner.  I wrapped a towel around me and walked out and told Jeremy something was wrong and to look up my symptoms on Webmd.  I'm not about to go to the emergency room if I don't have to.  When he started listing off the options of what it might be and said cyst, I called my sister.  She confirmed that she had had those symptoms with a cyst in the past.  I took some painkillers, used a heating pad and made it through the night.
The pain wasn't as bad Sunday (although sneezing about killed me) and was almost completely gone Monday.  I called the doctor anyway (otherwise my husband would have killed me) and asked if I should come in.  She got me in that afternoon.  We talked about it and I told her my suspiscions.  She did an ultrasound to see if that was probably what it was.  She told me my right ovary looked great and then moved to the left.  Sure enough, there was some fluid where a cyst had ruptured.  Then, she said something that had my doing a double-take.
She told me I had ovulated.
What?  I didn't think that was possible?  I mean, I'm not on birth control or anything, but really?  All by myself?  Four weeks after I had thought I ovulated, I ovulated?  Whoa!
I really thought that God had given me the cyst just so I could know that.  And maybe He did.  But we still didn't get pregnant.  I didn't post about this sooner, partly because of time constraints and partly because I was really hoping it would have a better ending.  I really thought it would be fun to give everyone in the family "world's greatest Grandpa/Grandma/Nana/Granddaddy/Aunt/Uncle" stuff for Christmas.  Alas.  Not to be again.
But there is still hope.  I, who thought she needed fertility treatments to ovulate, did it without them.  Now, to work on our timing. . .

Contentment

Probably one of the hardest things in the world is being content.  It doesn't sound hard, but when you really think about it, it is.  The dictionary defines content as "satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else."  A lot of times people look at being content as the same as being happy.  It's not really.  You can be satisfied, or even not want more without being happy.  I do think happiness is easier to achieve when you are content, though.
I've talked some about what all we've been through over the last couple of years.  My husband lost the job he loved, teaching at a private Christian high school, a year and a half ago.  He spent the summer after trying to find another teaching job to no avail.  The economy hasn't exactly made it easy for private schools.  So, he started working at a local electronics store.  He started out as a person who stocked shelves and did odd jobs for an area of the store, then moved to telesales, where he answered the phone and got more money.  Last Christmas season, they moved him to returns and he's been there ever since.  It's probably one of the least appreciated jobs in retail, but he's good at it.  I think he's good at it because he's a Christian.  There may be more to it than that, but I know it helps.  It's basically the best-paid position in the store that's not commision-based.
Anyway, the point of all this being, the whole time he's been working at the electronics store, he's pretty much been unhappy.  He's been hating the fact that he has to work at such a place, that he isn't teaching, that he's not in a Christian environment, etc.  We've both had a lot of growing up to do.  Not only have we been dealing with our infertility, but also we've been living on a tight budget and dealing with him working at a job he hates.
I'm going to be honest with you, I didn't know what all good could come from this.  But I also know that you can't grow without a little adversity -- or at least, most people don't.  You know how you look at your life and wonder what lesson God is trying to teach you from it?  I've been praying and praying, not only for Jeremy to get a better job, not only for my infertility to go away, but also for us to grow stronger in our faith and better Christians as we go through this.  
Here comes the honesty -- I really think my faith rallied before my husband's.  I'm not trying to brag.  I just know that a while back, I quit being depressed all the time, quit sulking around and complaining so much.  I didn't even like myself when I was like that.  And I gave it to God.  And He gave me some peace.  That peace waivers a bit every now and then when I try to take back some of the worries and problems.  But for the most part, it's still there.
However, my husband hadn't really rallied until recently.  I got him on some St. John's Wort which helped his depression almost immediately.  Thank you, Mom, for your firm belief in herbal remedies!  But here's the part that triggered this whole post:
Sunday after services, he was talking to a friend of ours who is looking at taking a job somewhere we had lived in the past and wanted our advice on the location.  He's really happy about where his family lives now and wasn't sure about moving somewhere he didn't think was as safe even though it would be closer to his in-laws.  Here's the gist of Jeremy told him -- we've been thinking about moving for a while now and are still looking at moving in the next 18 months (by the way, I think God is making me more and more okay with that, too).  He told our friend that even if he doesn't get a teaching job for this next semester, he may look into getting a different job because he's tired of the store he's at and of working returns.  Then, he said that he may never be able to get into teaching again, but even if he doesn't, it's okay.  Even though he hates his job, we're okay.
He's learned contentment.  I've been praising God for this every day since he told me what he said.
Now, I just have to keep reminding myself not to say, "Okay, God, he's learned the lesson.  Can we move on now?"

Like Mother, Like Daughter

When I was younger, I always thought I was more like my daddy.  As I've grown up, I can see a lot of my Mom in me, too.  I like to think the two balance each other out, although I can see more good AND bad from each of them sometimes, too.  When you look at a picture of myself and my mom, our smiles are almost exactly the same.  I have cowlicks from my dad's side of the family and brown eyes like him.  I'm built like my mom, but I have my dad's skin tones.  Personality-wise, I have a bit of each of them, too.  I worry like my dad, but I'm crafty like my mom.  I learned to cook more from my dad, although my mom taught me to bake.  I have a temper more like my dad, and the ability to see irony in life like my mom.  However, there is one thing I wish I hadn't inherited from my mom and one thing I wish I had.
I wish I had not inherited her inability to say "no" quite so much.  I have a to-do list a whole page long right now and haven't even listed everything on it yet.  And so, when I got another email today asking if I could make one more thing, I said "yes, but you'll have to wait until I get a few other things done."  She was fine with that, but I still said "yes."  Not "no."
The thing I wish I had inherited a bit better is her cleaning-ness.  I know that's probably not a word, but I used it anyway.  Growing up, it seems like we cleaned every Saturday -- dusting, vacuuming, laundry.  In my house, well . . . here is my dirty little secret (pun intended).  I'm lucky if I vacuum twice or three times a year.  And dusting is about the same.  Mopping . . . that's even worse.  And let's not even discuss bathrooms.  My mom is coming for Thanksgiving and I'm very excited.  Until I look around my house and think, "AH!"  I need to clean!  So, for the last few days, I've started cleaning.  I've found my dining room table except for three stacks -- super amazing!  I vacuumed the living room and found the floor of my sewing room.  I made my husband put up all his laundry so I can actually see a bedroom instead of a walk-in closet.  Now, on to the bathrooms, kitchen, and little thing like trying to get most of the cat hair off the couch.  My sister is coming, too, and she and her husband are allergic.  I'm still excited.  Just wishing I had more of my mom's discipline when it came to cleaning so that it wasn't such a big job when I finally get around to it.

Bragging

This week was no ordinary week for us.  We were at my in-laws' home in Tennessee, in the city we started out our marriage in 6 years ago, at the congregation we started out our marriage in.  This week Jeremy was the speaker instead of his preacher Dad.  He was doing his series on church history that he actually did a couple of years ago in Oklahoma where my grandparents worship.  His dad had heard the series where they had recorded it and he and the elders decided to have us come so Jeremy could do it here as well.  This congregation is like family to us so the whole week we've been catching up not only with Jeremy's family, but also with our church family here.  *side note -- I also got to eat lunch with my brother and his fiancee' when they came through on the way home from mom and dad's this weekend today so that was icing on the cake*
The best part, though, is hearing what people say after hearing my husband speak.  He has always impressed me with his skill in speaking and his amazing intelligence and memory, but it's just so nice to hear other people impressed by him, too.  I have to admit, I'm very proud of my husband.  He has this amazing way of putting things that you just can't help but be drawn in when he's teaching you.
And, tonight being the last night, his dad got up at the end, before the closing prayer, and said a few words to wrap it up.
And we were all sniffling back tears by the end of it.  He said how proud he was of Jeremy, not only as a speaker, but how strong his faith is.  And he talked about how he and Jeremy's mom had always wanted their children to have a strong faith in the Lord more than success -- and that he was glad that Jeremy was the future of the church.
Guess I'm not the only one bragging tonight.  Especially since several members came up afterwards and said they agreed with Jeremy's dad, and that they were proud of him, too.

Hard Decision

Do you have that one friend from high school who isn't really anyone you would ever want to associate with now but is on your facebook list anyway?

You don't?

Well, I do.  But not for long.

I'm making a hard decision.

He was fun and sweet when I met him in the sixth grade, funny, smart, full of all sorts of good intentions and goals and dreams.

Through high school he changed a little from that sixth grade boy, but not that much, I thought.  Sure, the other high schoolers sometimes made fun of him and told him he acted "gay" (I SERIOUSLY HATE THAT WORD!), but I knew better.

After all, I was there when he was baptized, the same day as I was.  October 15, 1995.  I went forward to hand my life to Christ that Sunday morning.  He went forward with several of our other friends that evening.  He sat by me as we both took the Lord's Supper for the first time that night and laughed when I broke the cracker extra loudly.

So, why, ten years after high school, is he "gay"?  Obviously, October 15, 1995 didn't mean the same thing to him that it did to me.

And obviously, he is not someone I want to be friends with any longer.

I keep thinking that maybe if I remain in contact with certain people, if I live my life as I should, that I can be a good enough influence to change their lives.

But some people don't want to change their lives.

And while I hate the thought of losing a friend, I also feel like he's already lost to me.

A Few Pictures

 To wrap up a couple of other posts, here are a few pictures.

For the post, The Christian Thing to Do, here are a couple pictures of the babydoll I made for my friend.  The second picture has also her extra outfit and she lying on a little baby blanket.

For the post, And then, here are a couple pictures of the super cute tea cup my friend gave me.  Don't you love the legs on the bottom of the tea cup?

And just to end on a super cute note, here are my "babies" taking their Sunday afternoon nap.

Toby

Chester

It's All About Sex

Got your attention, didn't I?  Want to know what I'm talking about?

GLEE.

Yep.  That's right.  I'm talking about a tv show.  One that I've been watching.  But will no longer be watching anymore.

Even though the whole nation (world?) is in love with this show, and it has fun music and occasionally has neat and fun plot points, really it's all about sex.  And I can't stand it anymore.  If it's not the teachers -- yes teachers! -- talking about/acting on sex, then it's the high schoolers.

I just don't understand.  I started watching Secret Life of an American Teenager for maybe half a season and couldn't go any further because it was all about sex.  Now, it's Glee.  Why do these high school shows think that high school is the following:  at least one "gay" guy, one pregnant teenage girl, one bad boy, at least one bad girl, a nice boy, and then various and sundry other kids, but all of the above are only thinking about sex.  I don't remember sex being that big when I was in high school.  Has it changed that much in 10 years?  Is it that different in big cities than in small towns?  Or is television just completely and totally obsessed with sex and nothing else?

Maybe it's because in Ladies' Class we're doing this study called Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate.  It's a really good study, even though some of it is harder to take in than others.  Or maybe I'm just maturing as a Christian in general.  But I can't handle watching sin like that anymore.  So, I will give up my love of the fun music because I can't stand to be watching it and then glance up to see two girls making out . . . or a "gay" guy making moves on another guy.  It's just not something I want in my head.  Or my heart.  Or my house.

So, out with the Glee.  It's off my DVR.  It's out of my life.  I don't need more sin in my world.  Give me a good clean high school program . . . maybe that's why I like "High School Musical" 1, 2, and 3 so much.  It's just fun.  Good, clean, high school program with music.  Why can't Glee be more like that?  And less about sex?

And then

Know that point when the littlest thing can set you off and all of a sudden, you're crying?  Yep.  I'm there.
I got on facebook right before I was going to leave for work this afternoon (always a mistake) and saw that one of my dearest and sweetest friends (I really, really love this girl and her whole family and wish we lived much closer) is pregnant . . . with her fourth child.  And I bit my lip.  And I took a few deep breaths.  And I started crying.  *sigh*  Always fun to start crying right before you have to leave for work since you don't really have enough time to get it all out.  You just get control of yourself, splash some water on your face, and go.  I'm not sad that she's pregnant.  I'm just sad that I'm not.
Anyway, I went to work and my "boss" (I put that in quotes because we're more like coworkers than anything) came in with a plastic bag in her hand.  I couldn't remember asking her to pick up any supplies. She handed it to me and said, "Merry Christmas."  Needless to say, I was confused.  I opened it up an unwrapped a cute little tea cup and saucer set.  So cute.  Check back later if I don't have a picture posted yet.  I will after church.  I love it.  She had gone to a shop that had all sorts of them and she said she just had to pick one up for me.  She knows I'm trying to grow my collection until I have a mismatched tea set of 12 cups and saucers.  Gift-giving is so my love language and she totally spoke it today.  It's nice how God works through friends to give you a hug, isn't it?

Waiting

That's what the sermon this morning was about -- waiting.  Something I definitely know a thing or two about.  We started trying to get pregnant 3 years and 2 months ago.  My husband lost his job a year and a half ago.  I'm waiting.  Waiting on God.
Not easy, by the way.  As the preacher pointed out, we can wait on God or we can go do whatever we want to and then let God fix whatever we've done to mess up the plan He had for us in the first place.  I'm not sure that it's always God's plan or a mistake.  I think God takes our decisions and then uses us wherever we put ourselves, in whatever situation we're in.  After all, we do have free will.  And only being able to do His will would take that away from us.  But that doesn't mean He can't use our decisions for the good. 
Sometimes, it's hard to know how He's using us at the time.  Right now, I'm not sure why I'm where I am.  Why am I working four jobs (preschool teacher Tues/Thurs mornings, after-school activities director Mon through Fri, home-sales, and taking in sewing/making jewelry) instead of being a stay-at-home mom?  Why is my husband working a job he hates, with hours that are not always easy to live with, even though he's gone through all this work to make himself more hire-able as a teacher?  I have no idea.  But we are.  And we're waiting for our prayers to be answered.
But I will point out something that a lot of people don't seem to realize or accept -- God answers every prayer.  Sometimes, He says yes.  Sometimes, He says wait.  Sometimes, He says No.  Not easy to accept, but still true.  So, please quit saying that we're waiting on God to answer prayers.  He always answers.  I'm preaching to myself, too.  Reminding myself.  God's either telling me wait or no right now.  I choose to think it's wait.  After all, the persistent widow got her way in the Bible.  So, I'm going to continue to be persistent in my prayers as I wait.
And I'll continue to sing one of my favorite songs (Teach Me Lord to Wait), which quotes one of my favorite verses (Isaiah 40:28-31).  Here are the words to the song:

Teach me Lord to wait

Down on my knees.

Help humble my pride

Answer my pleas.

Teach me not to rely

On what others do,

But to wait in prayer

For an answer from you.


Teach me Lord to wait

While hearts are aflame.

Help me humble my pride

And call on Your name.

Keep my mind renewed

Keep my eyes on the Thee.

Help me be on earth

What you want me to be.



Those who wait upon the Lord

Shall renew their strength.

They shall mount up with wings like eagles.

They shall run and not be weary.

They shall walk and not faint.

Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord, to wait.

 
And to end, another verse, Psalm 27:14.  "Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!"  And yes, when the preacher told us to "wait on the Lord," this morning, I knew automatically what verse he was going to quote because I've read it so many times over the last 10 or so years.

The Christian Thing to Do

I have a friend from college who I do not always agree with.  Actually, as I read her posts on facebook, I disagree with her with scary regularity.  It's not just that she's divorced and remarried, although that gives me pause.  And it's not because she's pregnant, although that gives me jealousy.  She and I just do not see eye to eye.  She's a bit more liberal in her politics -- and maybe even in her interpretation of the Bible.  She's very much leaning towards feminist.  I just have major problems with feminism.  I don't feel that Christian women can be feminists as well, not the way the world defines feminist.  But that's another post.
I got tired of reading her posts and getting angry, ranting about it to my husband, letting it aggravate me for the better part of a day.  That's not a healthy way to live.  So, I decided to do something about it.  I am now praying for her every night.  As I've been told quite often, you can't be angry with someone you pray for.  I am also making her a baby doll for her baby.  It's turning out quite cute and I hope to post pictures soon.
I told my sister what I was doing and she said I'm a better person than she is.  I don't know about that.  I just know I'm trying to live up to the name of Christian.

Fighting Jealousy

So, I've been meaning to post about several things for a while now, but I guess I just needed a certain trigger to get me to actually type something on here.  I'm a facebook addict, although I have been weaning myself off a little bit lately, to try and actually get real things done during the day instead of just mindlessly sifting through friend after friend after friend's status posts.  But I do still get one two or three times a day (trust me, that's less than it was for a while).  Last night, I got on and saw my cousin's lastest post "[cousin's name] has a bun in the oven!"  Let me tell you, I have a lot of cousins.  I have ten on my mom's side and seven on my dad's.  Add my husband's to the mix, and we've got a great-sized family.  And most of us are getting up to reproducing age, if we haven't been there for a while.  Just like most of my friends.  I've sort of been expecting/dreading this.  On mom's side, I knew there was no way we would be the first to make great-grandkids for my grandparents.  That was done YEARS ago -- like, before we got married.  But on my dad's side, which this cousin is, no one had yet accomplished this feat, even though we've been married six years, this cousin about four, my sis and another cousin a little over one.  I was just hoping, being the oldest grandchild, that I might be the first to have a great-grandchild for my Grandma.  I know she'll love all her greats, no matter how many she gets, and what order they come in.  But I was still hoping.  And now, I'm hoping even more that we CAN be the first on Jeremy's dad's side.  I know that would mean a lot to him.
I actually had a dream about this cousin having a baby first.  I just didn't really think it would come true, considering MOST of my dreams don't.  Hm.  Scary.  Let's hope the rest of that dream doesn't come true as well.
Meanwhile, I'm fighting my jealousy, trying to find the deep part of me that really is happy for her.  It's in there . . .

Funny Little Chicks

This is a follow-up to the post "Counting our Chicks."  If you haven't already read it, go back and read it because this will make much more sense.

The checks came today.  One was for $.98.  The other was for $1.06.  Yep.  I find this absolutely laugh out loud funny.  It's too sad not to be.

On another note, to follow up on last night's post, I took the stuff back to Time Warner today.  According to the girl who checked it in, I should have a credit on my account and not a $500-something bill.  :-)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good:

We like to participate in a program called Angel Food Ministries every month or so.  It's a great way to supplement our grocery bills and it keeps us with a better variety of meat than we would get if I just bought it from the store.  The basic box is just over $30 and says it contains enough for meals for a family of 4 for a week.  This time we bought the "bit of blessing" box, too.  My freezer is stuffed with food right now.  So exciting to open the door and find it full instead of just semi-sort-of-full.  And I love that I have more options for dinner.  This is the good of the weekend.

The Bad:

I looked at Jeremy on Friday night and said, "It's the 24th!"  We were supposed to have turned in our Time Warner Cable cable box and modem and cords and remote by that day.  We just switched to AT&T Uverse because I decided we could save just a bit of money that way and we got a gift card and it looked like it had a better channel line-up despite their lack of MLB network (Jeremy is bummed about that).  And then I forgot to turn in the TWC stuff.  I'm running it tomorrow and hoping they knock off most of the $500-something bill they sent the other day for not having returned their stuff.  Grr.

The Ugly:

I am borrowing the quilt frame I bought my mom off craigslist a couple of years ago.  I knew she was finishing up a quilt she had been working on as long as I could remember and I thought it would help if she could put it in a frame to quilt it.  She's used it several times since.  Well, I am blessed and cursed with creativity and decided to make a quilt for my siblings when they got married.  My sister got married a year and a half-ish ago and I am finally finishing her quilt (I've had it mostly pieced forever), so I asked Mom if I could borrow the quilt frame to quilt it.  Jeremy and I struggled and finally got it up over a week ago, with the quilt in it fairly well.  Unfortunately, my two cats decided it would make a perfect cat hammock.  Needless to say, it's not made to hold a quilt and a cat.  One of the pieces of the frame has cracked and doesn't hold the bar with the quilt on it up anymore.  Not sure what I'm going to do.  I had only gotten two halves of two squares quilted and have a lot more to go . . . plus, it was my mom's frame and not mine!  Grr to my cats.

Rethinking

I've been meaning to post this for a while now.  My mom graciously got me a subscription to Christian Woman Magazine when I asked for it last year.  I really did think I'd read it more than I have, but I do usually skim through it and read several articles.  The most recent one had a very interesting article on birth control.  Evidently, this girl had to go in and have an ultrasound while using birth control because it was making her develop a tumor.  While in there, the ultrasound tech noticed she was ovulating (I still can't figure out how they can tell what all those blobs are, but I'm glad they can).  Anyway, she was surprised to hear this since she was on the pill and not supposed to be ovulating . . . so she started doing some research on birth control.  Come to find out, birth control works three ways.  I knew about the first two but not the third.  Evidently, it tricks your body into not ovulating, changes the texture of your mucus so the sperm can't reach the eggs just in case you do ovulate . . . AND it makes the lining of your uterus where a fertilized egg can't implant.  Wait, what?  I'm okay with the first two, but the third one threw me for a loop.  I mean, isn't that saying that it aborts a baby?  That's basically the point she was making in her article.  Totally something to rethink.  I have a feeling after I go through the rest of this month of birth control, I won't be on it again for a while as it sort of defeats the purpose of trying to get pregnant and I'm only on it to kick-start my system again anyway (which worked, by the way -- yay and boo at the same time).  But if I ever do decide to go back on the pill in the future, I'm definitely going to have some long talks with my OBGYN to see what she thinks about this new knowledge I have.  I'm not sure I like it.  Definitely rethinking my being okay with the pill.

Labyrinth

It's been forever since I've seen the movie Labyrinth, but this week has me thinking about the scene where she's walking through it and decides to mark the way she went by using lipstick and drawing arrows on the tiles.  However, little does she know that little goblins (or whatever they are) are coming behind her and turning her tiles around so that the arrows are no longer showing or pointed a different direction.  So, she ends up getting more and more lost with no way of finding her way back.  That's what my life feels like right now.
Every time it feels like we're heading in the right direction, we turn a corner and there is a tile we've marked but pointing back the way we came or straight up a mountain or down a cliff or into a volcano or I'm being overly dramatic now but you get the idea.
It's not even that anything much has changed really, but it just feels crazier this week.  Maybe it's the hormones (it IS nice to have something else to blame things on) or just life in general.  I don't know.  I just feel like crying.
I know I said I was going to try and make my blog more cheerful instead of so down and dreary all the time, but I also want it to be honest.  And my life and my faith are not perfect, much as I would like them to be.  After all, if they were perfect, I wouldn't need anything bad in my life to help me grow.  So, here is the honest real way I'm feeling.  And if you want a good happy thing to end it on, I do have one.
I was standing in after-school care this afternoon listening to some of the girls play-acting in the home center (play cash register, play food, dress-up clothes).  One said to the other, "I'm divorced and you're . . ."  I didn't really hear the rest.  It was that one line that caught me off-guard, though.  When I was a second grader, I would never have play-acted that.  Know why?  My parents were happily married (and still are) to each other.  And my kids, whenever we have them, will never have to look at someone and say, "my parents are divorced."  Because it's not an option in my life.  And even though it's really sad that it was something in this child's life this afternoon, I'm glad it's not going to be an issue in my kids' life someday.  That's something I can count on.

Going Down Again

So, lately, my roller coaster feels like it's been going down again.  I had forgotten what I was like on birth control.  Sort of like I don't have complete control over myself at all.  It affects my emotions.  It affects my memory.  It affects my body, obviously.  I guess in some ways it makes sense as the way birth control works is to trick your body into thinking it is already pregnant so it doesn't release an egg.  So, obviously, that's going to make my body act like it's pregnant, sort of.  I guess.  Maybe.  I don't know.  I just know I hate feeling out of control.
Meanwhile, I had my birthday two weeks ago.  Yay.  I threw myself a tea party. I couldn't think of anything I would like better . . . and I was right.
I'm still holding onto my faith, but God and I have had several teary conversations lately.  I've been trying to hold onto the belief that my sweet husband will find a teaching job, but as we're getting several weeks into school, it's not looking as good, and it's hard to hold onto that hope.  I don't want him to know I'm waivering in my faith.  I'm trying to keep up a good front for him.  It just really felt like everything was falling into place and now, I'm just not so sure.  It's like part of me desperately wants for him to get a better job so he can be happy and make more money.  The other part of me mostly wants it so we can go ahead and start fertility treatments.  I'm trying so hard to not focus on any of this.  After all, I'm trying to do four different jobs -- my after-school care job, my preschool job, my home sales job, and my sewing and jewelry-making.  *sigh*  I think I need a few more hours in my days.  But I'd probably just spend them worrying instead of using them for anything useful.

Going Backwards

So, I had my "well-woman" visit on Monday.  Wasn't really too big of a deal.  I'm healthy in spite of my body not doing what a woman's body is supposed to do.  I was sitting there talking with my Dr. (who I LOVE because she is so friendly and understanding and helpful) and asked if I should be worried about the fact that I'm once again not regular and haven't had a period since before Memorial Day.  I basically said, "Should I try to jumpstart it?"  She suggested going back on the pill.  She was talking and talking about how since we're not trying to conceive right now, it wouldn't hurt.  I didn't bother to argue that we ARE trying to conceive, just not with drugs and fertility treatments and and and . . .  It was easier to agree, but I did talk her into letting me just be on the pill for a couple of month instead of interminably.  I couldn't stand the thought of going back on them longer than that.  She hooked me up with two months worth samples of Yaz (trying not to think about anything bad I've heard about that drug) and I started taking them Tuesday morning.  I feel like I'm going backwards.  Like, I'm headed in the opposite direction of where I want to go but can't find a way to turn around.  It doesn't help that birth control pills leave me feeling like I have absolutely NO control over my emotions.  I'm happy to angry to crying in no time flat.  Grr.  I hate feeling like I'm out of control.  Here's what I AM looking forward to:  regularity for a couple of months and maybe my skin clearing up a bit.  We'll see how well that works out.

Check this out!

I am being featured on a crochet blog!

Click Here!

I'm doing a big happy dance right now as I type.  I feel so honored by this.

God's Reminders

I have to admit, I've been struggling a little lately.  (*side note* This post is going to get into some female stuff so if you don't want to read it, back off now)
I've never been regular.  In high school, they put me on birth control for a few weeks to get my periods to stop being so frequent and heavy (like, back to back with only a day between).  I sort of loved being on birth control the first few years of marriage because it meant I always knew when I would start and I never had to worry about anything except the cramping that was heavier on the pill.  It took me three months and a round of meds to get me started again after we got off the pill -- three years ago.  Since then, my body has fallen back into its "rhythm" which means doing whatever it wants to when it wants to.  I learned a lot about my body through this book:  Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health.  A friend gave me her copy and I read it cover to cover.  I still don't understand my body, though.  This summer I haven't really had a period.  Actually, just leave the "really" out.  I haven't had one, at all.  Not since before Memorial day.  I blame it a lot on the summer I've had -- being more active than normal, out in the heat, drinking more water, eating strange meals.
For those of you who have regular periods, you have no idea so let me try and explain what I'm struggling with.  Most women would love to not have a period for three months.  It's frustrating to me.  I'm never sure if my spotting is leading up to one or not.  Never sure if I'm going to need to wear a pad.  Never sure what my hormones are doing, although it does assure me I'm not ovulating.  But the most frustrating part is, it holds off just long enough to let you start believing.  Then, you can't shake the niggle in the back of your mind.  Everywhere you look, you see signs that maybe this time . . . maybe . . .  possibly . . . could you be?  I don't think I am, but there's still the niggle.
Meanwhile, several more of my friends are turning up pregnant.  I really am happy for them.  But I keep asking God, "Is it my turn yet?"
And the hardest part of the last summer is really about my other half.  It's like living with a zombie most of the time in my house.  Don't get me wrong -- God has blessed us tremendously with the jobs He's given us.  It's just not what my husband wants to be doing.  He wants to teach.  And him seeing me going back to my after-school-care job, seeing others going back to school, has really been hard on him.  I keep telling him not to give up.  Schools are still hiring even after school starts.  And he continues to flip through all the school websites he's bookmarked this last year, hoping for any kind of teaching opening and applying to the few he has found.

Are you depressed yet?  Here's the hope part.  I've been one of the girls in charge of our Wednesday night Ladies' class at church this year.  We've been studying the Bible all the way through from beginning to end, using The Daily Bible: In Chronological Order 365 Daily Readings - New International Version with Devotional Insights to Guide You Through God's Word.  We're also using the devotional that goes along with it.  I'm really enjoying re-reading the Bible as I haven't done it for several years.  And this one is broken up well, with nice commentary to explain some things that I haven't picked up on before.  Anyway, the reading this morning (which is actually for tomorrow morning because I read two days' worth on Saturdays knowing I don't have time on Sundays) sent me a reminder.  It was about Jeremiah.  He's been prophesying and the king has locked him in the courtyard because he doesn't like what Jeremiah has to say.  Jeremiah's cousin comes and asks him to buy some land.  Historical note:  Jerusalem is under siege by the Babylonians at this time and is about to fall to them.  Why would anyone by land when the land is about to be captured?  Jeremiah does it anyway.  God told him to.  It's a sign of hope.  The point of the devotional this morning was that life "ebbs and flows" in constant change . . . and that God delights in restoration.  The thought at the very end says this:  "The hopeful question is:  Have I took quickly given up all hope over some 'impossible' situation that God may yet turn completely around?"
Do I really need to say more?

I worked at camp all summer and all I got was. . .

• two staff t-shirts (slightly sweat and sunscreen stained)
• tan lines
• chigger bites
• mosquito bites
• sore muscles
• sweet memories
• new friends
• funny stories
• new experiences like climbing the rock wall and leading horses around to kids
• several Chick-fil-A sandwiches and Sonic drinks
• a couple icee pops
• a really great summer

Etsy Wish List

So, I saw this the other day on craftgossip.com and couldn't resist.  I love etsy, even have my own shop, and am always finding something I "need" on there.  So, here is a wishlist for me (kept under $100) and here's crossing my fingers that I win!

This daisy ring for $12 from lizhutnick because I love daisies and I love chunky rings.

Hat from BoringSidney (although I want a bunch more of these because I adore hats) because it's a great church hat.  ($55)

Custom stamp from cupcaketree.  I love stamps and think it would be neat to have all of hers-- they're so cute!  This one would come in handy for signing my work, though.  $12.

Earrings because I want to replace the strawberry earrings I lost ($8) from baublesbeads.

Decoration for the bedroom wall from JazzyGraphics for $10.

If my math is right, that only leaves me with $3.  I could probably find something else for $3 that I loved, but don't have anything off the top of my head right now so we'll just go with that.  Love me some etsy!

Faith

I've been thinking a lot lately about me.  Not in a self-centered way, but in an analyzing way.  I'm evaluating how I am, where I am spiritually and physically compared to where I want to be.  I'm not perfect.  I know that better than I know almost anything else.  But I'm a lot different from where I was a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago, etc.  Even though I still have little niggles of worry -- when will my husband get his teaching job (because I really do believe it's going to happen despite the fact that some schools are starting next week); will I ever get the chance to be pregnant; could I be pregnant now; how will I ever again find the time to clean my house; how are we going to get my car up to standards to pass inspection by October; when will God send my brother a better job so he can feel more comfortable getting married in April; etc -- they don't really take over my life like they did for a while.  Yes, I pray about them.  I pray a lot more now than I used to.  Every time I feel a worry start to gnaw at me I start praying and don't stop until I can feel a little better about it.  I pray in stolen moments during work when there is a short lull in the kids asking questions or demanding I pay attention to the new "trick" they can do in the pool.  I pray while driving -- and no, I do not close my eyes!  I pray myself to sleep at night.  And it works.  I'm not braggin on anyone but God because I know He's the one who is helping me get through everything.  And as I've been evaluating myself, I've noticed something wonderful:  I've developed my own faith.  When you're young, you sort of just believe whatever your parents tell you.  When you get to college, you start to question some of it, but maybe not much because it's comfortable.  But when life throws you enough curve balls, you really have to analyze and figure out what you truly believe in and can trust.  And even though I haven't always seen eye to eye with the way God has worked things out for us over the last few years, He HAS worked them out for us.  And where I couldn't see it as well before, I can see it a little better now.  And while I wouldn't want to go back and relive it, I'm glad I did live it because it made me closer to my Father God and I know I can trust Him.  I've been asking Him for some time to help us make ends meet, to help us find the money we need.  He helped me get this summer job, I still have my after-school job which will start up again next week, and I just got a job as a preschool teacher on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, too.  When Jeremy gets his teaching job, we'll have enough to live on and maybe can even start paying down some of the debt we've accumulated over the last year.  I'm trying not to count any chickens before they hatch, but I can't help but feel optimistic as I look over how life is going right now.  The only downer is seeing how depressed and stressed my husband is as he continues to search for a job that still hasn't shown itself yet.  We still need prayers that it will come soon, and I pray that I can be the wife he needs right now to help support him through what feels like the home stretch.  And I thank God for helping me develop a stronger faith through this instead of losing my faith like I could have.

Deeper Thoughts

My mom had the privilege to go back to the town I graduated high school in this week and visit with some friends while my Dad was up in that area at church camp.  She stayed with a very dear family friend of ours whose family is a bit eccentric . . . and who heavily rely on her.  Her oldest grandchild graduated from high school last year.  She has a lot of anger although we're not really sure why.  Everyone has been afraid for years that she'd end up pregnant . . . and sure enough . . .
I asked my mom if she were planning to keep the child.  I know a family who would take the child as our own if she wasn't.  Mom said she was planning to keep it right now, but mostly they're just praying that it is healthy.  The girl isn't sure who the father is, how far along she is, and has been off and on drugs.  She still smokes some marijuana and cigarettes and does who knows what else.
My heart is broken for this baby.  I want one so badly and girls like her get them.
My heart is also broken for the thoughts that ran through my head after mom told me the child might have some problems due to the drug use.  I almost felt like maybe I didn't want it after all, even if it did get offered.  Am I a bad person?  That child will need someone to love it and care for it maybe even more than any other child who hadn't gone through that.
The whole situation just breaks my heart.

Thoughts

So, here are an accumulation of thoughts that have come to me and I meant to write about over the last month, give or take a few that I might be forgetting.  This is what happens when you work at a day camp for four weeks and are completely exhausted all the time.  These are in no particular order.

Gardens take way too long to grow . . . especially when the rain comes all or nothing.  But I do have teeny tiny green beans and a little squash growing finally.  :-)  I figure they'll all grow while we're gone on vacation in a week.

Evidently, there is still some naivete in me.  This camp is the first time I have really worked with people besides just members of the church since the short stint of work I did my second summer of college.  I'm working with several people who are living with their boyfriend/girlfriend.  I get to hear about the "fun" some of them had the night before. . . like the one who turned 19 but partied like she was 21 and the one who came the next day with  hangover -- a very obvious one.  And the co-counselor I worked with last week hit his head on the playscape and then bragged about the fact that he didn't cuss.  I thought to myself, "well, why would you?"  Jeremy says I have this way of putting things that put people in their place even if I don't mean to.  I'm just wondering how all these people can be like this and still claim to be "christians."  Seems like their Bible must say different things than mine does.

I must admit to being proud of myself last week.  I am horrible at being able to say no, but lately I have taken way too much on myself.  I had asked around church to see if someone was already planning a shower for one of the girls who is expecting in August.  No one knew of one being planned and somehow I ended up magically becoming one of the hostesses because I brought it up.  It was planned for a weekend we're going to be gone.  I was supposed to do the corsages.  Another girl who wasn't around for the planning but wanted to help asked me what she could do.  I told her corsages and then I told several of the other girls that I was no longer a hostess . . . I didn't have time or money.  So, I sort of said no even if it was a little late.  :-)

I bought some of the shoes that are supposed to tone muscles while you walk  . . . the Payless kind, not the $80 or $100 kind from Reebok and Sketchers.  They work.  Just in case you wanted to know.

I was beginning to believe that maybe this was our summer.  I kept having weird (or at least random) cravings:  apple pie from McDonald's, biscuits and sausage gravy, etc.  And then, Hurricane Alex came through this week.  Alex is the name we've picked out for our son WHEN we have him.  I don't think I am pregnant right now. . . just PMS-y.  But it could still happen.  Do you believe in signs?

And I found out Francine Rivers, one of my favorite authors, has a new book out.  I'm on the waiting list at the library.  Yay!

To end, here are a couple of quotes from my first/second grade boys over the last few weeks that should make you smile:

• Mrs. Amy, are you a lady already?
• Me to the child:  Is it big or small?  Child to me:  It's small to a person but big to an ant.
• Mrs. Amy, it's raining!
• Me to the child: Why aren't you in the pool?  Him to me:  My leg hurts.  It keeps cracking.  -- I still don't know what that means!

Counting our Chickens

I decided we needed a date so last night we went to check out The Green Mesquite, a barbeque place in Austin that had been on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, and also sold pulled pork barbeque.  I'd been craving pork so off we went, to find this place we had never found before.  After circling the block four times, Jeremy finally found a parking place to pull into -- I was SO glad he was driving and not me as he can parallel park and I'm not so sure I can.  Into the tiny place we went and right back out the back door to their outdoor eating area where live music was blaring so loud it was hard to have a conversation.  As Jeremy said, "For cow people, it wasn't bad."  It will at least hold me until I can get some really good barbeque in Memphis in a few weeks.
While we were talking over the music, our conversation drifted to various things like baseball, politics, funny stories from work, and then to the fact that our DVD player has been messing up and Jeremy wants a Blue-ray.  I think working at an electronics store has spoiled him for life to all things simple when it comes to electronics.  I pointed out that I desperately need new tires and brakes on my car and he needs to have his checked because more often than not it sounds like it isn't going to start. . . and it's getting worse.  He pointed out that he knew all that, but . . .

Well, let me give you some back story.  We got a letter in the mail several weeks ago from our life insurance company telling us that they were being taken to court and that if that person won, everyone who had a policy with them would get a pay out.  I don't know if we'll get anything or really how much even though Jeremy said it could be up to $12,000.  I'm really honestly not holding my breath for it.

He is.

He keeps slipping into conversation, "when we get that check we can . . ."  I keep pointing out that he's counting our chickens before they hatch.  He says he knows, but wouldn't it be nice if . . .

Yes, it would.

Rain

I asked Jeremy last night as we were preparing for sleep on the night of our sixth anniversary, "Do you sometimes feel that we pray for rain but leave the umbrella at home?"

I know my faith has grown a lot over the last year.  Over the last two years.  Over the last three years.

Three years ago in August was when we started trying to get pregnant.

Two years ago we found out I had PCOS.

One year ago we found out the next step was fertility treatments -- and we found out Jeremy had lost the job he loved.

They always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  And I do feel stronger.  I just wonder if my faith isn't quite strong enough.  Am I acting like I believe God will give my husband a teaching job for this fall?  Am I acting like I will get pregnant?  I'm praying for those things all the time.  So, as I pray for rain, do I take my umbrella with me like it's actually going to happen . . . or am I leaving it at home because I don't really believe God listens?

Just a thought.

Priorities

One of the days of camp training, our manager led us in an activity to help us figure out our priorities.  He asked us to take four small pieces of paper and write our top priorities, one on each piece.  Then, he said, "Something bad has happened and you just lost whatever you wrote down as number four."  He continued in this way until he told us we had lost all four things we had written down.  Unfortunately for him, this activity didn't really work for me.  You see, God is my top priority, so when he said that  my top priority had been lost, I knew it wasn't true.  No matter what happens in my life, God is a constant.  I can't lose Him.  It made me feel good to know that as I thought about it, it felt true.  God is number one in my life.  Just in case you want to know, Jeremy was number two and friends/family were number three.  I couldn't really think of a number four.  The whole point of the activity was to make sure we knew what really mattered.  I do.

On another note, as a follow up to a post from several weeks ago about my co-worker who thought she was pregnant, she's not.  She was telling us that she felt so sad even though she hadn't really wanted kids to begin with.  As she had started to accept the possibility of being pregnant, she had come to terms with it.  She said her husband just couldn't understand why she was crying.  I could.  I pointed out that I could empathize with her -- she had just gotten a bit of a taste of what I've been going through for the last three years.  I do feel bad for her.  Maybe we're more on a level playing ground now and can get along better as we work together another year.

One of my Favorites and Self-Awareness

So, this is really two posts in one so get ready.

One of my Favorites:

Francine Rivers is an amazing author.  Let's be honest, I really want to write like she does.  And aside from her Mark of the Lion series (so good), my favorite book of hers is Redeeming Love.  I just reread it.  It's one of those books you can't put down, no matter how hard you try.  Let me give a short synopsis.  Know the story of Hosea in the Bible?  It's loosely based on that.  It's about Angel, a prostitute in gold-rush California, who marries Michael Hosea, but can't let him love her until she finds God's love.
Here's what caught my attention more this time, though.  She can't have kids because of a procedure the guy who "owned" her for years had performed on her to keep her from ever getting pregnant.  As she struggles with the fact that she can't give her husband children, I'm right there with her, in complete empathy.  Just once, though, I'd like to see a book have to get through a hurdle without it magically disappearing at the end.  If you've had a procedure done to keep you from getting pregnant, how can you get pregnant?  These things don't reverse themselves.  I want to read a book where a woman struggles with infertility and finds out it's okay even if she doesn't have children.  Maybe I should write one.  Maybe I will . . . someday.  It's been in the back of my mind to do something like that for a while now, but I still feel like I'm too wrapped up in the reality of it right now.  Does that make sense?

Self-Awareness:

There's nothing that makes you more aware of just how old 27, almost 28 years really is, than hanging out with teenage/early twenties "kids" all weekend as we all train to be camp counselors.  Did I used to have that much energy, that much uncontainable joy in life?  Why don't I still?  Is 27 really that old?  I'm hoping by the end of the summer that maybe I'll feel a little younger even though I'll be 28 in August.  Either that, or I'll remember why I don't want to go back to being 20 years old.  Not that it was a bad year . . . I've just been there, done that.
It does make me look more at my skin, my flabby thighs, the fact that I would never wear shorts that short -- EVER!  It also makes me so glad I'm not in school anymore, so glad I already know who I'm married to, instead of wondering who's out there for me.
Unfortunately, it also makes me very aware of just how unathletic I am, too. 

Hapari Swimsuit Giveaway

With summer coming, and the thought of working at a day camp all summer, I have been wanting a new swimsuit. So, when I found this post this morning, I had to enter. These are so cute. Crossing my fingers that I can win this giveaway!

Unnecessary Rudeness

Isn't it funny how, even though you've been told that the jewelry you make is so cute/pretty/fabulous/etc for four years, one little insult makes all those compliments seem to disappear?

Here's how it went down.

I've been selling on etsy (and buying every now and then) for three years now. I love etsy. Sometimes, it feels like the nicest place on the earth.

In the last year or so, I've fallen in love with chunky rings . . . big flowers, big fun designs, big funky, chunky rings. I love them. I don't go too overboard, but like them to be a little larger than my finger. They're just fun. So, I had a little money in my paypal account from some sales I'd had recently and I decided to shop for rings. Just for fun to see what was available. I found a cute daisy ring and then saw it was only $.20 so I clicked on it. Here's what it said: "*This ring is free with any purchase*"

Does that say to you, "You can't buy this ring unless you buy something else"? Because, it didn't say that to me. It said to me, "You can buy this ring OR get it free when you buy something else." So, I clicked and purchased it, thinking it was a little weird that it was only $.20 and no shipping, but maybe she was destashing or something.

The next morning, I get a message from her saying she is refunding my money because you can only get this ring if you buy something else. I messaged her back asking if I could just pay a bit more and still get the ring since I really didn't want anything else in her shop, but loved the ring. She said no, but gave me a link to another shop that sold a similar ring. I felt sort of "whatever" about the whole thing.

The other day I was on my etsy site looking at something else and noticed I needed to leave feedback for a couple of things so I went to that part of the site and saw that she was listed there as needing feedback. I left a neutral feedback because I really didn't mind that I didn't get the ring even though I liked it, but I felt she should have made her posting clearer. This is the message I got this morning:

"You are as pathetic as the ugly 'jewelry' you make. If you would learn to read you would save yourself the embarrassment of looking like a fool!"

Nice, no?

She also left me neutral feedback that said, "Person did not read the listing correctly or chose not to read it all. That is on her not me."

I'm getting mad all over again just thinking about it. And it's been bugging me all day. I'd love to send a message back to her saying something along the lines of "sorry I missed the line that you didn't put on your posting that said I couldn't buy this ring even though you posted it as an item for sale. From now on, I'll stay away from my shop and just visit shops that post items they are actually willing to sale. And, by the way, you're the only one who doesn't seem to like my 'jewelry.'"

Instead, I emailed the etsy people and asked if we could make this whole thing disappear. I just can't believe she'd email me that my jewelry is ugly (and put "jewelry" as if it wasn't real) just because I didn't give her a positive feedback. So rude. It's like my perfect image of etsy is ruined by one person. I'm hoping etsy will let me just get rid of the whole transaction, feedback included. And then I will avoid her shop like the plague, although I won't tell you who she is. No one else seems to have had problems with her. But you just don't treat people that way.

Worry-wart

All my life I've been a worrier. I like to say I get it from my dad who got it from his mom. It just feels sometimes like if you don't lie awake at night, worrying about worst case scenarios, then you haven't really invested enough of yourself into whatever you're worrying about. However, I've been working on that. The Bible says worry is a sin and I believe it. It's just a hard habit to let go of.
The other night, however, it was not me up worrying, but my sweet husband. You know, the one who always teases me about my worries. He's really stressed out about finding a new job for the fall. With this economy you never know if a job will open up or not so he's applying for every teaching job he can find in the area and checking all the Texas Christian School websites several times a day . . . even on Sundays when there is no way they'd be updated . . . trying to find something. I came out to ask if he was coming to bed anytime soon and could tell we were in for a long night. I don't really remember exactly what all was said, but I told him to stop worrying for the night and get some sleep. He gave me this look like, "YOU are telling ME not to worry?" And I said, "I'm not worried about anything right now."
After I said it, I realized it was true.
What a concept! I've actually given all my worries to God and let Him keep them! I fret a bit about my husband and how stressed he's making himself. I stress a bit when bills come due, or mornings like this morning that force me into getting new glasses earlier than I had planned to (stupid frames that break after only two years of hard wear and tear! :-) ). But I'm really not worried right now. I can finally sing with all my heart, "It is well with my soul." And that's a song I can't always sing with all honesty. Such a nice feeling. Now, to keep up letting God take care of the worries so I can try to be a better Christian everyday . . . and the wife my husband needs as he worries through all this stress.

Epitomy of Inconsiderate

So, my coworker and I have not exactly gotten along well this year. She's about five or six years younger than I am, freshly married, almost new to the world, it seems. We'd been getting along better for the most part lately, but today really pushed my limits of controlling my tongue.
She has been struggling with finding a birth control that works well for her. So, she's on the shot. Except she didn't know that when you first get on the shot, you're supposed to use back-up protection for a while. She thinks she's pregnant. And she told me all about her symptoms and how she wants to announce it to her family and how she is pretty much convinced this test on Friday will say she's pregnant. And I had to sit there and listen to her. She even said something like, "I guess that's the way it goes, huh? People like you and Jeremy who plan to have a baby and can't and then people who don't even want one get pregnant all the time."
Do me a favor. If you know someone who is struggling with infertility issues, don't be like that. We already know that the world is unfair. You don't have to rub it in.

What I Want to Say

So, sometimes it's harder to bite the tongue than others. After a couple years of getting asked "When are you going to have a baby?" it gets old. I usually reply, "When God wants me to," or something along those lines. People usually laugh because they don't realize that that's really what we're waiting on. However, deep inside, are darker, meaner, hateful things wanting to get out:

"When I can afford to go through who knows what kind of infertility treatments and one of them actually works!"

"When my body decides to work like God designed women's bodies to work instead of not ovulating."

"I've been wanting to have a baby for three years now. Any more questions?"

"Why don't you go hurt someone else with your questions?"

I actually had someone come up to me at church one night and sweetly ask, "Is there some news I haven't heard?" She looked pointedly at my stomach. I told her all about Jeremy's schooling and how it was going. She gave me a blank look before asking, "But nothing else?" I wanted to shout, "Do I really look that fat to you?"

Jeremy tells people, "Trust me, when we're pregnant, you'll know. It will be announced loudly and with much gladness."

I'm not really feeling spiteful right now. Just writing these things down. Better than actually letting them slip out of my lips.

On a good note, know that Michael Buble' song where he's talking about "just haven't met you yet?" I know it's probably a guy singing to a girl, but in a lot of ways, I think it fits really well with what my heart is saying to our future children. Here are the words. I love this song.

"I'm not surprised.

Not everything lasts.

I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.

Talk myself in.

I talk myself out.

I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.

I came up with a million excuses.

I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.

You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.

I'll never give up.

I guess it's half timing, And the other half's luck.

Wherever you are.

Whenever it's right.

You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.

And baby your is gonna change me.

And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair

In love and war.

But I won't need to fight it.

We'll get it right and, We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.

And being in your life is gonna change me.

And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.

And I'll work to work it out.

Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get, Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Ohhh! You know it'll all turn out.

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.

And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.

Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)

I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet."

New Sister!

This is my sweet, funny brother and his . . . FIANCEE'!
I am so excited. I get a new sister probably next April. Yay for Phillip and Melissa!

Just a Nail

I've never really hurt myself before. In my almost 28 years of existence, I've had no broken bones, no surgeries, nothing really more invasive than a yearly check-up with my "girl doctor." So, when I stepped on a nail in my backyard last night, I knew it hurt and I'd have to get a tetanus shot, but wasn't really expecting more than that. I head to the doctor this morning, the nurse gives me the shot, and the doctor tells me she wants and x-ray to see if anything's broken in my foot or if it hurt the bone, she wants me to wear a post-op shoe, she wants me on antibiotics and also prescribed vicadin. Whoa. Wait a minute. This isn't me. I've never had to do that kind of thing before. She was a little surprised I'd never taken any pain meds stronger than Aleve, but what can I say? This is obviously the worst thing I've ever done to my body . . . and it was just a nail!

Call Me a Frugalista - Sort of

I've never been rich. I've also never wanted for anything.
My dad is a preacher and I grew up living in the house owned by the church, loaned to the preacher while he worked with them. Giving the preacher living quarters allows a church to pay the preacher less. I'm not saying this as a bad thing. It's a good idea in my opinion. We didn't always have a lot, but we were fed, clothed, and happy. That's the way I grew up.
I never really expected to have a lot of money in my married life, either. I married a teacher -- who wants to teach in a private Christian school. That doesn't pay much, in case you wanted to know. For the first two years of our marriage, we actually were sort of backwards for the way you normally think of a couple earning money: I had the full-time job and he had the part-time while he took classes for his masters. When we moved to Texas for him to take a job at a private Christian school, we agreed that we'd switch so I could do the part-time thing and he'd do the full-time. And it worked fairly well for the first three years we were down here. However, when he lost his teaching job (stupid economy!) at the end of last school year, we had to do some quick thinking. God gave him a job at an electronics store for the past year and we're so grateful for him to have a job, period. It doesn't pay as much as the school, though. So, while we weren't rich, but weren't too bad off before, this year has been TIGHT. And I do mean TIGHT. Some months I haven't known how we were going to pay the bills. And some months they got paid by credit card because there was no other way.
All this to say, I've learned a few things about trying to save money, and while I'm not perfect at it yet, I feel like I'm getting the hang of it as we come to the end of this school year. I follow a couple of blogs/websites that help some. www.moneysavingmom.com and www.dealseekingmom.com are great, although a lot of the time they say the same things. I follow one on facebook and the other through her blog. I've also signed up for some programs like swagbucks (a search engine that pays you "swagbucks" occasionally for searching with it, which you can cash in later for fun things like gift cards and all sorts of things). If you want to join swagbucks, please put me as the one who referred you! I get swagbucks for that, too! :-)
And at the grocery store, I choose not to buy chips or things that are not "necessary." I do keep some cokes around because my husband gets headaches if he doesn't get caffeine for a while. And I do keep a good stash of tea and chocolate. A great friend in college pointed out that it's cheaper in the long run to keep things like that on hand instead of giving in to a craving at a more expensive place like a coke machine later on when you can't take it anymore because you haven't had it in so long. I clip coupons and try to use them as often as I can. I compare the price per unit. I cook at home a lot. We hardly ever eat out anymore.
It's not always easy. I'd love a new pair of shoes right now -- and probably need one soon -- but that will wait for a while. I'm hoping this summer might be a little easier money-wise because of my working at a day camp, which is longer hours for me, but more money per month, too. Maybe we can even get the new tires I need, and the new brake and shocks. And new glasses and contacts. And a few other things that have been pushed to the back burner over the last year.
One thing I've learned this year: the verse in Matthew about God caring more for you than the lilies of the field, it's true. He's helped us over and over again this last year. I can't imagine how people get through things like we've been through without the church family and a faith in God to support them and hold them up. Praise be to the Lord who cares about me so much that He knows how many hairs are on my head and who loved me enough to not only give me His Son, but to take care of me in this lifetime, too!